Re: Time outs at home for school behaviors??

March 22, 2010

While I appreciate in theory what the teacher is trying to do, I'm not sure it's approriate. At least for my son, it wasn't. I always try to consider intent when punishing my son for misbehavior. When I'm not in the classroom, I can't be certain of intent or what led up to the misbehavior in the first place. Around the age of 7, I decided that when my son entered our home, he had a clean slate. This didn't mean we wouldn't talk about what happened at school and I would encourage him to act appropriately, but I wouldn't punish him. I realized he was in trouble all day and night long during the school week and who wants to live like that? I think he'd just feel bad because I was disappointed but that could not translate into him making a different choice the next day at school. It helped our relationship immensely because I was just burnt out at that point. It gets old receiving constant feedback about how your child is not acting right. If it was that hard for me to hear it, I can only imagine what it was like for Dylan to live it. If you feel confident about his intent, you might give him some sort of consequence, but I wouldn't make it so drastic that he gives up. Sent via BlackBerry by AT&TFrom: "moonfly_jenn" <moonfly_jenn@...>Date: Mon, 22 Mar 2010 22:18:33 -0000< >Subject: ( ) Time outs at home for school behaviors?? Is that right? My 5 year old has been calling kids names at school the last few days (poopyhead mainly) and he gets puts in a timeout at school. They also have a system where every kid has a clothespin that is clipped onto a green board. If they get in trouble they have to move their clip to yellow, then more trouble means red. Matty has gone into red the last 3 days. We talked with him a lot over the weekend and told him that if he went into red again today he wold lose his Legos until he behaved better. So the Legos are put away. So far he is taking it fairly well but that won't stay for long. His teacher emailed me last week and then today to give me the details about the problems and she informed me that since todays name-calling happened at the end of the day he wold be taking a time out first thing tomorrow and that maybe a time-out at home would be good as well? I don't feel right about that. Wondering what your thoughts were on school behavios having to be disciplined at home.Thanks, Jen

March 22, 2010

I'm sure answers will vary. Generally I haven't punished at home if punished at

school; however, for things like calling others names (and happening

frequently), then - just me - I would punish at home to make sure he " gets the

message " that it's serious to the school and to you that he is NOT to call

others names like that -- at school, home, community, anywhere. Otherwise,

with any of my sons, they might think I'm not serious about not doing that,

punishment at school but not at home.... So - if I had taken Legos away today,

then that would be enough. But if I took them away yesterday and my son still

called names today, then I would go for the time out at home or other

consequence.

Just what I'd probably do with mine if they were doing that at school IF they

were starting the name calling (and not joining in after others began it -- then

I'd have to think on it again).

LOL, this said as *I* hated being teased/called names!

>

> Is that right? My 5 year old has been calling kids names at school the last

few days (poopyhead mainly) and he gets puts in a timeout at school. They also

have a system where every kid has a clothespin that is clipped onto a green

board. If they get in trouble they have to move their clip to yellow, then more

trouble means red. Matty has

March 22, 2010

If I really trust the teacher, then I'm okay with following through at home.

You kind of want some consistency, but if the behavior continues, then you need

to do a functional behavior analysis or something to find out what causes it and

to make it easier to find a creative solution.

Personally, I'd probably stick with " if you have a good day at school, you get

to play X when you get home. " That doesn't mean punish him all day long...it

just means that he doesn't get that after school playtime for an hour. Then

maybe have a period late at night for good behavior in the afternoon. I'm not

sure what the " home timeout " does aside from give the teacher a break. If the

child doesn't like school then staying home isn't a meaningful punishment.

-

March 22, 2010

Oh I must have written something wrong. She didn't mean home timeouts, just that he would be having a time out at school and then maybe I should have him take a timeout at home too as a consequence for his school behavior. I was always lead to believe that school behaviors should be addresses at school and home at home. I worry that if we have to give hime consequences at home for school stuff that he will stop talking to us about school. It's like pulling teeth right now.

From: bucaroobonzai2003 <ssernaker@...>Subject: Re: ( ) Time outs at home for school behaviors?? Date: Monday, March 22, 2010, 7:12 PM

If I really trust the teacher, then I'm okay with following through at home. You kind of want some consistency, but if the behavior continues, then you need to do a functional behavior analysis or something to find out what causes it and to make it easier to find a creative solution.Personally, I'd probably stick with "if you have a good day at school, you get to play X when you get home." That doesn't mean punish him all day long...it just means that he doesn't get that after school playtime for an hour. Then maybe have a period late at night for good behavior in the afternoon. I'm not sure what the "home timeout" does aside from give the teacher a break. If the child doesn't like school then staying home isn't a meaningful punishment.-

March 22, 2010

I don't agree with it carrying over to the next day...that will make the child not want to go to school!! It needs to be dealt with immediately, at school. That's not to say there can't be a consequence when your child gets home but it has to be first dealt with at school. :)From: moonfly_jenn <moonfly_jenn@...>Subject: ( ) Time outs at home for school behaviors?? Date: Monday, March 22, 2010, 6:18 PM

Is that right? My 5 year old has been calling kids names at school the last few days (poopyhead mainly) and he gets puts in a timeout at school. They also have a system where every kid has a clothespin that is clipped onto a green board. If they get in trouble they have to move their clip to yellow, then more trouble means red. Matty has gone into red the last 3 days. We talked with him a lot over the weekend and told him that if he went into red again today he wold lose his Legos until he behaved better. So the Legos are put away. So far he is taking it fairly well but that won't stay for long. His teacher emailed me last week and then today to give me the details about the problems and she informed me that since todays name-calling happened at the end of the day he wold be taking a time out first thing tomorrow and that maybe a time-out at home would be good as well? I don't feel right about that. Wondering what your thoughts were on

school behavios having to be disciplined at home.

Thanks, Jen

March 23, 2010

Well, I think there should be consistency in a behavior program, and having the

school and home on the same page is probably a good thing. He should understand

that if he has a bad day at school there will be meaningful consequences. The

only time I wouldn't is if the child is constantly having issues at school and

thus in a situation of constant punishment (which will probably just hurt their

self esteem).

Still, having set play times for their obsessions allows you to take away a

break right after school while still allowing them to earn Lego time in the

evening. In my case, I had daily notice from the teacher on whether he was on

'green', 'yellow' or 'red', and if he was on green, he got to play. Since the

teacher communicated this to me, I didn't think it interfered with him talking

about his school day with other stuff. For us it worked well.

BUT, the teacher was very experienced and had put him on a token type economy

(stickers on a sheet every hour) at school almost immediately, and I knew that

when he was on green he earned it.

-

>

> From: bucaroobonzai2003 <ssernaker@...>

> Subject: Re: ( ) Time outs at home for school behaviors??

>

> Date: Monday, March 22, 2010, 7:12 PM

>

> Â

>

> If I really trust the teacher, then I'm okay with following through at home.

You kind of want some consistency, but if the behavior continues, then you need

to do a functional behavior analysis or something to find out what causes it and

to make it easier to find a creative solution.

>

> Personally, I'd probably stick with " if you have a good day at school, you get

to play X when you get home. " That doesn't mean punish him all day long...it

just means that he doesn't get that after school playtime for an hour. Then

maybe have a period late at night for good behavior in the afternoon. I'm not

sure what the " home timeout " does aside from give the teacher a break. If the

child doesn't like school then staying home isn't a meaningful punishment.

>

> -

>

March 23, 2010

HI Jenn,

We've always talked about what goes on in school......especially when it's "bad",,,,but have never punished for what took place there.

Especially a time out.........those are supposed to take place immediately, aren't they? We never did them. But,,,,,I don't think I'd let the time out take place in the morning for what took place the day before....seems odd.

I look at punishing at home for what took place at school like this.......would school punish him for not picking up his toys at home...or pushing his sister? For us, personally,,,,it would make for an even more-upset kid.

Good luck.

It really is simple. Just treat others kindly and with respect.

Robin

From: moonfly_jenn <moonfly_jenn@...>Subject: ( ) Time outs at home for school behaviors?? Date: Monday, March 22, 2010, 5:18 PM

Is that right? My 5 year old has been calling kids names at school the last few days (poopyhead mainly) and he gets puts in a timeout at school. They also have a system where every kid has a clothespin that is clipped onto a green board. If they get in trouble they have to move their clip to yellow, then more trouble means red. Matty has gone into red the last 3 days. We talked with him a lot over the weekend and told him that if he went into red again today he wold lose his Legos until he behaved better. So the Legos are put away. So far he is taking it fairly well but that won't stay for long. His teacher emailed me last week and then today to give me the details about the problems and she informed me that since todays name-calling happened at the end of the day he wold be taking a time out first thing tomorrow and that maybe a time-out at home would be good as well? I don't feel right about that. Wondering what your thoughts were on school

behavios having to be disciplined at home.Thanks, Jen

March 23, 2010

I understand if it happened at the end of the day, why the teacher would recommend a timeout at home. That is a more immediate consequence than getting in time out at school the next morning. But he should not get both timeouts, I don't think that's fair.

In general if our kids get into big trouble at school like sent to the principal's office, or do something physical like kick or hit another kid, they will also get punished at home. We'll take away TV and video games, that usually makes them suffer enough. You have to do something to reinforce the lesson at home. But if they are getting in trouble every day, at that point punishment is not going to help. Something else needs to be changed with the school or counseling, etc.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Suzanne

suzmarkwood@...

From: moonfly_jenn <moonfly_jenn>Subject: ( ) Time outs at home for school behaviors?? Date: Monday, March 22, 2010, 6:18 PM

Is that right? My 5 year old has been calling kids names at school the last few days (poopyhead mainly) and he gets puts in a timeout at school. They also have a system where every kid has a clothespin that is clipped onto a green board. If they get in trouble they have to move their clip to yellow, then more trouble means red. Matty has gone into red the last 3 days. We talked with him a lot over the weekend and told him that if he went into red again today he wold lose his Legos until he behaved better. So the Legos are put away. So far he is taking it fairly well but that won't stay for long. His teacher emailed me last week and then today to give me the details about the problems and she informed me that since todays name-calling happened at the end of the day he wold be taking a time out first thing tomorrow and that maybe a time-out at home would be good as well? I don't feel right about that. Wondering what your thoughts were on school

behavios having to be disciplined at home.Thanks, Jen

March 23, 2010

I wouldn't do time outs at home. Especially for a child so young. Instead you

can tell him, if you don't get in the red we can... and promise something that

you know you can follow through on. I do this with . Sometimes if we have

a plan to do something fun and he's having trouble behaving then I might say to

, you are having a hard time following the rules and that makes me think you

don't want to... or I am afraid to take you to Mcs because I don't want

you to behave that way when we are there. It's kind of a natural consequence

that way, but I usually don't make consequences for school. There was one day

when we lived in Texas when I was at the school volunteering in the library and

was having a whacking huge meltdown just across the hall. He had been

telling everyone all day that we would be going to Game Stop after school. The

para came to me and asked if we could somehow use that to help him get calmed

down. I told the para that I would be afraid to take to game stop if he

was acting like that and that I need him to calm down. It was immediate and it

was tangible to and it wasn't a punishment. It was a reminder of what he

wanted to do and it was natural that he couldn't be in gamestop while having a

meltdown. I'd taken him out of stores plenty of times for that particular

behavior, so it worked very well. This particular school was fantastic with

behavior and not the least bit afraid to ask me for suggestions. They never saw

it as a weakness to ask me for help and we had a great relationship. I was

there pretty much every friday during 's library time so I was available

often.

If I feel the school is not dealing with appropriately then I will not take

responsibility for it by trying to deal with it at home. " He's with you when he

does it. " Is what I like to say. Don't think they wouldn't use that in an IEP

meeting. " We're not seeing that at school " is probably a pretty familiar thing

many of us have to hear.

I really believe rewarding for good and ignoring bad as much as possible is the

best way to go. For name-calling, if I was in a classroom with 5 year olds I'd

talk to the child doing the name calling, telling them that it wasn't a nice

thing to say and wasn't a good way to be a friend then I'd talk to them about

what might be a better thing to say or do. If he's upset he can go to a

teacher. really didn't get this at age 5, however. But when he was 7 and

started at the school I mentioned above they used this to great effect. They

didn't punish , exactly, but if he had trouble with a social skill he would

have to go to " practice " where he and either a para or a special ed teacher

would work with him on a social story to help with similar situations in the

future. They'd brainstorm with about what kinds of things he could choose

to do instead. He didn't like going to practice, but it wasn't harsh or mean

and it didn't make him as angry as punishment would have.

at age 5 my son did not have any impulse control, he couldn't help his behavior

and needed to be taught the right things many times over before he could

actually use them but very slowly he started to get the hang of it and with me

coaching him in as many social situations as I could and not fighting battles

that were unimportant he really came to trust me. Last year, when he was 12

asked me for help with another friend, a much younger friend. He said,

" Mom, I told that kid he had a cylindar Bakugan and he went ballistic! " He knew

I'd have some idea of what went wrong. I told him that this boy might not know

what a cylindar was and that he might have thought was being mean.

said, " I was just stating the obvious. " LOL. Typical asperger thing. But the

thing is, kept trying and eventually this kid really saw as the older

kid with more experience who could help him. He'd ask to help him in

social situations and since has had more time to learn he really is able to

help him. It takes time and patience and rewarding good behavior and repetition

of acceptable choices over and over and over but it does happen.

and the other little boy I mentioned had ESY and did day camp together.

After it was done, out of the blue said, " Mom, Hunter always head butts

me. " I was shocked I hadn't heard about this during the 4 weeks of camp. I

asked if he told an adult and he said, " Nah, he can't help it, I just hold

him away from me so he can't hurt me. " He didn't get angry about it and I was

just so PROUD of him. This other little guy is probably about 5 years younger

than , maybe more. I can't remember what grade he's in. Anyway, even as

recent as 6 months before camp I don't think could have handled it. He

just suddenly got the hang of it. He uses strategies that I used when he was

small. I would hold in ways that he couldn't hurt himself or me as I

carried him screaming from the toy store. still says insensitive things

quite a bit and I still have to coach him but that's because the world doesn't

get less complicated as he and his peers get older.

Miriam

>

> Is that right? My 5 year old has been calling kids names at school the last

few days (poopyhead mainly) and he gets puts in a timeout at school. They also

have a system where every kid has a clothespin that is clipped onto a green

board. If they get in trouble they have to move their clip to yellow, then more

trouble means red. Matty has gone into red the last 3 days. We talked with him

a lot over the weekend and told him that if he went into red again today he wold

lose his Legos until he behaved better. So the Legos are put away. So far he

is taking it fairly well but that won't stay for long. His teacher emailed me

last week and then today to give me the details about the problems and she

informed me that since todays name-calling happened at the end of the day he

wold be taking a time out first thing tomorrow and that maybe a time-out at home

would be good as well? I don't feel right about that. Wondering what your

thoughts were on school behavios having to be disciplined at home.

>

> Thanks, Jen

>

March 23, 2010

Yeah, it's a sticky situation. The teacher said because the name-calling happened the last few minutes of the day outside of his homeroom, that there wasn't time for a time-out yesterday so it needed to be done this morning. I can understand that. I have been emailing with the teacher this morning and so far Matty went to yellow but not red yet. I have my fingers crossed! His teacher thanked me this morning for being so helpful so we can maintain the consistency at home and school and we talked about using his legos as incentive. She knows that he got them taken away so she is reminding him of that in the hopes the he will stop and think before he calls someone a name. I learned they have a character at school named "slow-down snail" and he is used when kids need to slow down and stop and think before they talk so

we are trying to refer to him at home now too.

My little guy is soooo funny tho. He can't build a plane with his legos so you can see his wheels turning in his mind as to what he can to to fill that void. He ends up going up to his room (which ne never plays in) and found his old mega bloks, which are huge, and trying to build a plane that way. Then he had to show me with this little smirk on his face like he's such a smartie. God love 'em, he's such a cutie!

Jen

From: moonfly_jenn <moonfly_jenn>Subject: ( ) Time outs at home for school behaviors?? Date: Monday, March 22, 2010, 5:18 PM

Is that right? My 5 year old has been calling kids names at school the last few days (poopyhead mainly) and he gets puts in a timeout at school. They also have a system where every kid has a clothespin that is clipped onto a green board. If they get in trouble they have to move their clip to yellow, then more trouble means red. Matty has gone into red the last 3 days. We talked with him a lot over the weekend and told him that if he went into red again today he wold lose his Legos until he behaved better. So the Legos are put away. So far he is taking it fairly well but that won't stay for long. His teacher emailed me last week and then today to give me the details about the problems and she informed me that since todays name-calling happened at the end of the day he wold be taking a time out first thing tomorrow and that maybe a time-out at home would be good as well? I don't feel right about that. Wondering what your thoughts were on school

behavios having to be disciplined at home.Thanks, Jen

March 24, 2010

I think intent is an important word. Why is he name calling? I would request a "functional behavior assessment" (FBA) be done to figure out why he's doing it and then to implement a positive behavior plan. The law requires these things.

Roxanna

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

( ) Time outs at home for school behaviors??

Is that right? My 5 year old has been calling kids names at school the last few days (poopyhead mainly) and he gets puts in a timeout at school. They also have a system where every kid has a clothespin that is clipped onto a green board. If they get in trouble they have to move their clip to yellow, then more trouble means red. Matty has gone into red the last 3 days. We talked with him a lot over the weekend and told him that if he went into red again today he wold lose his Legos until he behaved better. So the Legos are put away. So far he is taking it fairly well but that won't stay for long. His teacher emailed me last week and then today to give me the details about the problems and she informed me that since todays name-calling happened at the end of the day he wold be taking a time out first thing tomorrow and that maybe a time-out at home would be good as well? I don't feel right about that. Wondering what your thoughts were on school behavios havin

g to be disciplined at home.

Thanks, Jen

March 24, 2010

I agree with you Jen. I did not punish at home for school behavior issues. I encourage you to get an FBA done to figure out why this problem is happening at school and finding a solution. I would also add that doing more of the same isn't working. Her way of handling the problem is not working. Her way of punishing him for the behavior is not fixing the problem. Now it's time to do an FBA and put together a positive behavior plan that DOES work.