Re: (AspergersSuppor) Newbie and need HELP!

[Guest guest]

Dear Raina – I am probably not the best resource on this

list to give you advice as far as school and IEP’s and I know those

people will post some excellent advice. But, I am sending you a great big

hug. I too have experienced the stress and anger you are feeling –

and the guilt that also comes with these feelings. My 20 yo son was a lot

like your son when he was younger – angry, destructive, scary,

unmanageable, disciplining did not seem to work, I could go on and on.

Nothing we did seemed to help. Plus, we did not have an Aspergers

diagnosis until he was 15 – had ADHD diagnosis at age 5. I can only

imagine the added stress you have with 5 other children – Tyler was my

youngest and my others were 10 and 14 years older (not that it wasn’t

stressful for them but they were more removed from the effects just due to

their ages). I can promise you that things will get better with the

proper supports, both academically and at home, and with his maturity. I

can also tell you that there were many times that I was ready to throw the

towel in so you are not alone – I think there are probably many on here

that also experienced these feelings.

Just a few quick suggestions:

·

If you haven’t done so yet, you need to find a good

psychiatrist who specializes in Aspergers for medication management.

·

Check out wrightslaw.com – this is a great resource

for special education law and advocacy for children.

·

Request in writing from the school a full evaluation (I am not

sure where you are but I think they are called “psychoeducational

evaluation” here in Texas) – you will need to state areas of

concern, e.g., “Ashton runs away when __________”, “Ashton hides

under his desk when asked to sit in the reading circle and won’t

participate”, etc.

·

Find an advocate to help you with the school – try googling

“educational advocate” with the name of your city or county.

·

Look for any organizations that offer services for children on

the spectrum – again try googling or asking the special ed person at your

school.

·

Take a break at least once a week – go for a walk, out to

a movie or dinner with a friend, go to the library, read a book, take a long

bubble bath, just something for yourself. Can your husband keep the kids

one evening so you can get out?

Again, I apologize as I know I did not offer much advice. But, I know

many others on this list will help you. And, please feel free to jump in

at any time.

From:

[mailto: ] On

Behalf Of Raina

Sent: Wednesday, September 22, 2010 7:55 PM

Subject: ( ) Newbie and need HELP!

Wow my story is quite a lengthy one and I have

been watching the threads and have finally decided I think I need to post as

you all seem so helpful to one another and maybe just maybe I dont have to be

alone in this!I am a 33 year old mom to 6 yes 6 wonderful boys (as if 6 wasnt

shocking enough) my husband and I have been married 12 years..our kiddos range

from 12 is our oldest to 4 and a half almost 5...

I am a stay at home mom, we run a very very tight household and have a strict

routine...I totally had it all figured out! UNTIL my 5th son Ashton started

showing signs of very high hyper activity..Then at the age of 4 my youngest son

suffered an accident that almost took his little life..Ashton is always

escaping out of the house so we had to put locks on all the insides of the

doors up high where he could not reach them, well one day I went out to do

laundry (it was in our basement and we had to go outside to get to it) when I

returned I noticed that our dog was not by the door which led me to believe ashton

had let him out or escaped (I could not lock the door as I would have been

locked out) it was then I realized my then 2 year old son was missing to and I

immediately went looking for them. We lived on a dead end road surrounded by

elderly people...When I found ashton he was playing by the neighbors house and

no Owen...I asked ashton where owen was and he looked and me and said straight

faced " hes in the pond " There was a pond in between two houses far in

the back across the street from us! I ran like I had never ran before to the

pond only to find my baby face down floating...I jumped in and got him and he

was blue, and not breathing! After running for help and my neighbor heard and

called 911 I knew I had to do something and luckily had taken infant child cpr

a year earlier for a dental office I worked for! My instincts kicked in and I

started breaths and compressions....after 4 sets of breaths and compressions he

coughed and started breathing! at that point the ambulance had shown up! Long

story short he ended up being PERFECT no lung issues, chest x-ray clean and no

neurological problems! He is my miracle baby!

So at this point amongst all of the other questions I had I was then questionig

why why...didnt ashton run home to tell me Owen had fallen in the water..all of

my other kids at the age would have most def done just that! At my sons checkup

with his pediatrician as I was telling him the story he stopped me mid sentence

and said " Ashton saw it " ? and I said yes and at that point he looked at

me put his hand on my leg and said " we have a problem " a year later

he had a diagnosis of ADHD and ODD and 4 months ago was Finally diagnosed with

aspergers! (took us 8 months to get into a psychologist in our area)

The last 2 years have been the worst and most hardest, trying, emotially

draining, mentally exhausting years of my life! I dont even know where to

begin! He has been on 5 diff meds and we are finally on track to seeing

therapists and counselors...my question is this.....Why as a parent can I not

find that connection with him? he is self destructive, vindictive, at times

scary, unmanagable, intolerable, and all around just difficult! He has sensory

issues so he is not a cuddler but I am having the worst feeling a mother should

NEVER have. When I look at him I see the chaos and craziness he has brought to

our lives not just mine and my husbands but my other kids as well...They have

missed out on SOOOO much as our day routine is around whether or not ashton is

having a good day..if he is not I will not go out in public as I cannot control

him! He runs off over every little thing and he is fast.. He will take off on

me at a store and I cant catch him. He destroys everything of his brothers (wii

games 4 in the last month) breaks his glasses when he is made, wont think twice

about grabbing a pen and wtriting all over the walls etc..I know he is

different and I know I should not get mad at him as he does not understand

however when he gets in trouble and I try to discipline him (which at this

point dont have the slightest clue how as most methods with my other kids wont

work) he looks at me and laughs this evil laugh! I cry myself to sleep and some

mornings dont even want to face the day..the resentment in my house is sooo

severe with his brothers its hard to take some days, however he is usually 99

percent of the time the root of the problem! I am suppose to be an advocate for

him for school (which he gets sent home from at least 3 days a week and still

after a year of me fighting tooth and nail not on an IEP) when I cannot control

him myself...I am seriously at the end of my rope!

I dont want to feel this way I want sooo badly to love him but at this point in

time I am fighting with my emotions and most of it is just sadness and anger.

Is this normal and what do I do? I am trying to understand him but going from 5

boys to a child with his behaviorial issues and aspergers I am at a loss! I

have read book after book but none tell me how to deal with this emotion..I

know somewhere deep down I do love him, I am his mom I should love him and want

to hold him and love on him however when he comes near me I dont even want to

be in the same room as him! Please help me I need some sort of reassurance or

direction! thank you soo much!!

Raina

[Guest guest]

, Reading your post was like a breath of fresh air!

Thank you so much for your wonderful response and all of the great advice!

Some days are harder than others and its soo nice to know I am not alone!! Thank

goodness my husband is sooo wonderful he lets me get out and take a break now

and then. I recently took a position at our junior/ senior high school as Junior

high cheer coach and let me tell you that experience has been amazing!!!

getting to work with Girls (I dont get that at home ha ha) and also just

having something to escape to now and then. We also live close to the beach and

I walk there often it is a good stress reliever!

Once again thank you for your help! I will for sure be revisiting the thread

often!

Hugs to you too!

Raina

>

> Dear Raina - I am probably not the best resource on this list to give you

> advice as far as school and IEP's and I know those people will post some

> excellent advice. But, I am sending you a great big hug. I too have

> experienced the stress and anger you are feeling - and the guilt that also

> comes with these feelings. My 20 yo son was a lot like your son when he was

> younger - angry, destructive, scary, unmanageable, disciplining did not seem

> to work, I could go on and on. Nothing we did seemed to help. Plus, we did

> not have an Aspergers diagnosis until he was 15 - had ADHD diagnosis at age

> 5. I can only imagine the added stress you have with 5 other children -

> Tyler was my youngest and my others were 10 and 14 years older (not that it

> wasn't stressful for them but they were more removed from the effects just

> due to their ages). I can promise you that things will get better with the

> proper supports, both academically and at home, and with his maturity. I

> can also tell you that there were many times that I was ready to throw the

> towel in so you are not alone - I think there are probably many on here that

> also experienced these feelings.

>

>

>

> Just a few quick suggestions:

>

> . If you haven't done so yet, you need to find a good psychiatrist

> who specializes in Aspergers for medication management.

>

> . Check out wrightslaw.com - this is a great resource for special

> education law and advocacy for children.

>

> . Request in writing from the school a full evaluation (I am not

> sure where you are but I think they are called " psychoeducational

> evaluation " here in Texas) - you will need to state areas of concern, e.g.,

> " Ashton runs away when __________ " , " Ashton hides under his desk when asked

> to sit in the reading circle and won't participate " , etc.

>

> . Find an advocate to help you with the school - try googling

> " educational advocate " with the name of your city or county.

>

> . Look for any organizations that offer services for children on the

> spectrum - again try googling or asking the special ed person at your

> school.

>

> . Take a break at least once a week - go for a walk, out to a movie

> or dinner with a friend, go to the library, read a book, take a long bubble

> bath, just something for yourself. Can your husband keep the kids one

> evening so you can get out?

>

>

> Again, I apologize as I know I did not offer much advice. But, I know many

> others on this list will help you. And, please feel free to jump in at any

> time.

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> From:

> [mailto: ] On Behalf Of Raina

> Sent: Wednesday, September 22, 2010 7:55 PM

>

> Subject: ( ) Newbie and need HELP!

>

>

>

>

>

> Wow my story is quite a lengthy one and I have been watching the threads and

> have finally decided I think I need to post as you all seem so helpful to

> one another and maybe just maybe I dont have to be alone in this!I am a 33

> year old mom to 6 yes 6 wonderful boys (as if 6 wasnt shocking enough) my

> husband and I have been married 12 years..our kiddos range from 12 is our

> oldest to 4 and a half almost 5...

> I am a stay at home mom, we run a very very tight household and have a

> strict routine...I totally had it all figured out! UNTIL my 5th son Ashton

> started showing signs of very high hyper activity..Then at the age of 4 my

> youngest son suffered an accident that almost took his little life..Ashton

> is always escaping out of the house so we had to put locks on all the

> insides of the doors up high where he could not reach them, well one day I

> went out to do laundry (it was in our basement and we had to go outside to

> get to it) when I returned I noticed that our dog was not by the door which

> led me to believe ashton had let him out or escaped (I could not lock the

> door as I would have been locked out) it was then I realized my then 2 year

> old son was missing to and I immediately went looking for them. We lived on

> a dead end road surrounded by elderly people...When I found ashton he was

> playing by the neighbors house and no Owen...I asked ashton where owen was

> and he looked and me and said straight faced " hes in the pond " There was a

> pond in between two houses far in the back across the street from us! I ran

> like I had never ran before to the pond only to find my baby face down

> floating...I jumped in and got him and he was blue, and not breathing! After

> running for help and my neighbor heard and called 911 I knew I had to do

> something and luckily had taken infant child cpr a year earlier for a dental

> office I worked for! My instincts kicked in and I started breaths and

> compressions....after 4 sets of breaths and compressions he coughed and

> started breathing! at that point the ambulance had shown up! Long story

> short he ended up being PERFECT no lung issues, chest x-ray clean and no

> neurological problems! He is my miracle baby!

> So at this point amongst all of the other questions I had I was then

> questionig why why...didnt ashton run home to tell me Owen had fallen in the

> water..all of my other kids at the age would have most def done just that!

> At my sons checkup with his pediatrician as I was telling him the story he

> stopped me mid sentence and said " Ashton saw it " ? and I said yes and at that

> point he looked at me put his hand on my leg and said " we have a problem " a

> year later he had a diagnosis of ADHD and ODD and 4 months ago was Finally

> diagnosed with aspergers! (took us 8 months to get into a psychologist in

> our area)

> The last 2 years have been the worst and most hardest, trying, emotially

> draining, mentally exhausting years of my life! I dont even know where to

> begin! He has been on 5 diff meds and we are finally on track to seeing

> therapists and counselors...my question is this.....Why as a parent can I

> not find that connection with him? he is self destructive, vindictive, at

> times scary, unmanagable, intolerable, and all around just difficult! He has

> sensory issues so he is not a cuddler but I am having the worst feeling a

> mother should NEVER have. When I look at him I see the chaos and craziness

> he has brought to our lives not just mine and my husbands but my other kids

> as well...They have missed out on SOOOO much as our day routine is around

> whether or not ashton is having a good day..if he is not I will not go out

> in public as I cannot control him! He runs off over every little thing and

> he is fast.. He will take off on me at a store and I cant catch him. He

> destroys everything of his brothers (wii games 4 in the last month) breaks

> his glasses when he is made, wont think twice about grabbing a pen and

> wtriting all over the walls etc..I know he is different and I know I should

> not get mad at him as he does not understand however when he gets in trouble

> and I try to discipline him (which at this point dont have the slightest

> clue how as most methods with my other kids wont work) he looks at me and

> laughs this evil laugh! I cry myself to sleep and some mornings dont even

> want to face the day..the resentment in my house is sooo severe with his

> brothers its hard to take some days, however he is usually 99 percent of the

> time the root of the problem! I am suppose to be an advocate for him for

> school (which he gets sent home from at least 3 days a week and still after

> a year of me fighting tooth and nail not on an IEP) when I cannot control

> him myself...I am seriously at the end of my rope!

> I dont want to feel this way I want sooo badly to love him but at this point

> in time I am fighting with my emotions and most of it is just sadness and

> anger. Is this normal and what do I do? I am trying to understand him but

> going from 5 boys to a child with his behaviorial issues and aspergers I am

> at a loss! I have read book after book but none tell me how to deal with

> this emotion..I know somewhere deep down I do love him, I am his mom I

> should love him and want to hold him and love on him however when he comes

> near me I dont even want to be in the same room as him! Please help me I

> need some sort of reassurance or direction! thank you soo much!!

> Raina

>