Re: Re: Disrespectful Comments

October 18, 2010

I think all our children are this way to some extent. Their brains think a completely different way and sometimes what they say comes out differently. For instance......at church my son asked my girlfriend's daughter if she ever had "sex"....OMG. The girl got so embarrassed and mad at my son. Later she told her parents who then told me.

Well, I spoke to my son and this is what was behind the whole thing. On Facebook kids were talking about her and saying she had sex with this guy, blah blah blah. My son, defended her and when he asked her he was just making sure so he could really defend her. He wasn't interested in the fact if she did or didn't...he just didn't want people telling lies about her. He was trying to do good but it came out all wrong and he looked like the "bad" one.

Another time when he was little he was swimming with this girl and her little brother. Now my son was good friends with the girl...they were about 6 or 7 at the time. The girl's brother kept bothering her and she would push him away. Finally my son had a enough of it and pushed him. Of couse the boy ran and told on my son. My son was blamed for hurting him even though my son was really protecting his girl friend. My son got so upset he ran to the other side of the pool and would not come over by us for an hour. Of course I didn't find out the truth till that night. I did tell him to stay out of fights between brothers and sisters.

Now my son is 15. He is respectful in school 98% of the time but very disrespectful to us at home. I think it is because he is burnt out in school from trying so hard and all the noise and such. I tell him to stay in his room until he can be nice. Or, if he wants something from me, I tell him no....I am not going to do or buy anything for someone who is so disrespectful to me.

jan

"In the Midst of Difficulty lies Opportunity" Albert Einstein

Success is not measured by one's position but by the obstacles one has overcome to obtain that position

From: mimasdprofile <callis4773@...> Sent: Mon, October 18, 2010 8:10:44 PMSubject: ( ) Re: Disrespectful Comments

I don't believe he is doing it on purpose. My son does a lot of these things and they really don't get that someone else would feel differently than they do about what they're saying. They get so perplexed because they think that everyone else is thinking what they are. Then when other people behave differently than they expect it can really throw them off the deep end. I try to calmly and gently remind that the things he says will make people feel bad or make them not want to be around him. I've also written social stories. The situation in the car is completely different from the restroom situation. He may not have the impulse control not to blurt out random things in a public restroom yet. My son is 13 and I think he still talks randomly in restrooms. It makes sense to him and I expect your son's comment makes sense to him. He may have heard someone else say that and he's just repeating it. repeats things all the time. It can get him into

huge trouble and he's oblivious about why. The car situation was probably more anxiety and sensory related. It is overwhelming for someone else to be in the back seat with him. It also wasn't a planned thing. You could write a social story. "Sometimes when we ride in the car someone who doesn't usually have to sit in the back with me, might have to sit in the back with me. It might not feel good to me because this person will be a little too close. I don't have to like it but I need to tolerate it."You can then give him some things he CAN do. "If this happens I can..." Maybe you could get some special items you'll know he likes and let him play with them only when he's in a situation in the back seat that makes him uncomfortable. "I can play with my nintendo DS" or "I can look at pokemon cards" to try to distract myself from the uncomfortable feeling of someone sitting too close to me. It won't be very long before the ride is finished and then I

will get a break from being in the back seat.If the ride will be longer, you can plan for breaks at regular intervals and remind him that he will get to take breaks. You can let him have a watch to remind him of when his next break will be if he can tell time.Sometimes my son will learn a new word and try to use it in context and that can get us into trouble. Once we were at an appointment and in the waiting room this woman was talking on her cellphone. had just learned the word 'hideous'. So he shouted, "WHAT IS THAT HIDEOUS WOMAN DOING ON THE PHONE?!!" He didn't really know what hideous meant at that point. LOL. The poor woman left in quite a hurry as I was trying to explain to that it was a mean thing to say. He genuinely didn't know that. has a habit right now of saying, "You do that." Whenever anyone says they're going to do that. "I'm going to the grocery store now." "You do that." Which comes off sounding

sarcastic. But he has no idea that it sounds that way because if you take it at face value it isn't mean at all. got in trouble on his bus last year for saying to the bus driver, "It would be in your best interest to turn off the music." He didn't know that sounded like a threat. I really believe these kids don't understand when they're being rude most of the time.Miriam>> Guess I'm wondering how common this is or if my son is just being disrespectful. He constantly says things that are rude and inappropriate and I often believe it is the AS, but am I just making an excuse? Do I baby him too much and have not taught him to be respectful? Manners have always been a big deal with me and I have worked on

this constantly from the time he could talk. I try my best to practice the manners I want my son to see.......yet the things that come out of his mouth are often appaling!> > For example......we were on our way to church last night and I was driving. My boyfriend went to sit in the front passengers seat, but for some reason the seat would not move up. We were running late so he said he would just jump in the back seat with my ds. He instantly started to protest and says, "Mom, why can't he just ride in his own car? Why does he have to ride with us?". The other day while in the mens restroom with my boyfriend and yells, "boys are weird". Just doesn't even make sense. I try to explain to him what he says is inappropriate or rude, but he either wants to argue his point or it goes in one ear and out the other.> > He is almost 9, so I think there is less tolerance for this type of behavior from others than there was when he was 3

or 4. I myself am losing tolerance. He gets straight A's and is soooooo smart and it can be hard to understand. I sometimes wonder if he does it on purpose and knows just what he is doing. Am I just using AS as an excuse?> > Yesterday I got mad and smacked his leg when he was being rude in the car. After dealing with his hard headedness all day, I guess I had enough! I felt terrible after and hate this state of constantly feeling frustrated, embarrased, tired, guilty. etc. It's like an endless battle. I watch people with their children and it seems sooooo easy. They tell their child something and they listen. They don't cringe waiting for whining, arguing, disrespect, etc. I feel like other people must think I never teach my child anything, when in all reality I probably teach him more than most parents (with little or no results). It is frustrating. It must be nice to be able to spend time with your child without getting stressed or

frustrated! Am I the only one feeling this way? > > People close to me compliment me on my patience, but quite honestly I don't feel very patient. It's hard to be patient when it is the same thing, day after day!! And I feel bad, because he has improved in many areas........it just seems like there is always something I will have to work on while others just get to play with and enjoy their kids. I get to work on eye contact, social stories, social cues, etc. I still have to remind my 9 year old to say hi and bye when someone says it to him!> > Guess I'm just having a guilt induced, feel bad for myself kind of day!!> > Thanks for listening!>

October 18, 2010

I would like to ask how many of us take these situations and ask what is at the root of this behavior? Go beyond, " my son was angry, he always does this, etc. "

Think: Behind every challenging behavior is a lagging skill or an unsolved problem. Don't just let this behavior become a part of your child's persona. Ross Greene does a fantastic job of walking you through how to approach problems that gets a kid to " buy in " to the solution to solve difficult problems.

Can u tell I love this author?

On Mon, Oct 18, 2010 at 8:38 PM, rushen janice <jrushen@...> wrote:

I think all our children are this way to some extent. Their brains think a completely different way and sometimes what they say comes out differently. For instance......at church my son asked my girlfriend's daughter if she ever had " sex " ....OMG. The girl got so embarrassed and mad at my son. Later she told her parents who then told me.

Well, I spoke to my son and this is what was behind the whole thing. On Facebook kids were talking about her and saying she had sex with this guy, blah blah blah. My son, defended her and when he asked her he was just making sure so he could really defend her. He wasn't interested in the fact if she did or didn't...he just didn't want people telling lies about her. He was trying to do good but it came out all wrong and he looked like the " bad " one.

Another time when he was little he was swimming with this girl and her little brother. Now my son was good friends with the girl...they were about 6 or 7 at the time. The girl's brother kept bothering her and she would push him away. Finally my son had a enough of it and pushed him. Of couse the boy ran and told on my son. My son was blamed for hurting him even though my son was really protecting his girl friend. My son got so upset he ran to the other side of the pool and would not come over by us for an hour. Of course I didn't find out the truth till that night. I did tell him to stay out of fights between brothers and sisters.

Now my son is 15. He is respectful in school 98% of the time but very disrespectful to us at home. I think it is because he is burnt out in school from trying so hard and all the noise and such. I tell him to stay in his room until he can be nice. Or, if he wants something from me, I tell him no....I am not going to do or buy anything for someone who is so disrespectful to me.

jan

" In the Midst of Difficulty lies Opportunity " Albert Einstein

Success is not measured by one's position but by the obstacles one has overcome to obtain that position

From: mimasdprofile <callis4773@...>

Sent: Mon, October 18, 2010 8:10:44 PMSubject: ( ) Re: Disrespectful Comments

I don't believe he is doing it on purpose. My son does a lot of these things and they really don't get that someone else would feel differently than they do about what they're saying. They get so perplexed because they think that everyone else is thinking what they are. Then when other people behave differently than they expect it can really throw them off the deep end. I try to calmly and gently remind that the things he says will make people feel bad or make them not want to be around him. I've also written social stories. The situation in the car is completely different from the restroom situation. He may not have the impulse control not to blurt out random things in a public restroom yet. My son is 13 and I think he still talks randomly in restrooms. It makes sense to him and I expect your son's comment makes sense to him. He may have heard someone else say that and he's just repeating it. repeats things all the time. It can get him into

huge trouble and he's oblivious about why. The car situation was probably more anxiety and sensory related. It is overwhelming for someone else to be in the back seat with him. It also wasn't a planned thing. You could write a social story. " Sometimes when we ride in the car someone who doesn't usually have to sit in the back with me, might have to sit in the back with me. It might not feel good to me because this person will be a little too close. I don't have to like it but I need to tolerate it. "

You can then give him some things he CAN do. " If this happens I can... " Maybe you could get some special items you'll know he likes and let him play with them only when he's in a situation in the back seat that makes him uncomfortable. " I can play with my nintendo DS " or " I can look at pokemon cards " to try to distract myself from the uncomfortable feeling of someone sitting too close to me. It won't be very long before the ride is finished and then I

will get a break from being in the back seat.If the ride will be longer, you can plan for breaks at regular intervals and remind him that he will get to take breaks. You can let him have a watch to remind him of when his next break will be if he can tell time.

Sometimes my son will learn a new word and try to use it in context and that can get us into trouble. Once we were at an appointment and in the waiting room this woman was talking on her cellphone. had just learned the word 'hideous'. So he shouted, " WHAT IS THAT HIDEOUS WOMAN DOING ON THE PHONE?!! " He didn't really know what hideous meant at that point. LOL. The poor woman left in quite a hurry as I was trying to explain to that it was a mean thing to say. He genuinely didn't know that.

has a habit right now of saying, " You do that. " Whenever anyone says they're going to do that. " I'm going to the grocery store now. " " You do that. " Which comes off sounding

sarcastic. But he has no idea that it sounds that way because if you take it at face value it isn't mean at all. got in trouble on his bus last year for saying to the bus driver, " It would be in your best interest to turn off the music. " He didn't know that sounded like a threat. I really believe these kids don't understand when they're being rude most of the time.

Miriam>> Guess I'm wondering how common this is or if my son is just being disrespectful. He constantly says things that are rude and inappropriate and I often believe it is the AS, but am I just making an excuse? Do I baby him too much and have not taught him to be respectful? Manners have always been a big deal with me and I have worked on

this constantly from the time he could talk. I try my best to practice the manners I want my son to see.......yet the things that come out of his mouth are often appaling!> > For example......we were on our way to church last night and I was driving. My boyfriend went to sit in the front passengers seat, but for some reason the seat would not move up. We were running late so he said he would just jump in the back seat with my ds. He instantly started to protest and says, " Mom, why can't he just ride in his own car? Why does he have to ride with us? " . The other day while in the mens restroom with my boyfriend and yells, " boys are weird " . Just doesn't even make sense. I try to explain to him what he says is inappropriate or rude, but he either wants to argue his point or it goes in one ear and out the other.

> > He is almost 9, so I think there is less tolerance for this type of behavior from others than there was when he was 3

or 4. I myself am losing tolerance. He gets straight A's and is soooooo smart and it can be hard to understand. I sometimes wonder if he does it on purpose and knows just what he is doing. Am I just using AS as an excuse?

> > Yesterday I got mad and smacked his leg when he was being rude in the car. After dealing with his hard headedness all day, I guess I had enough! I felt terrible after and hate this state of constantly feeling frustrated, embarrased, tired, guilty. etc. It's like an endless battle. I watch people with their children and it seems sooooo easy. They tell their child something and they listen. They don't cringe waiting for whining, arguing, disrespect, etc. I feel like other people must think I never teach my child anything, when in all reality I probably teach him more than most parents (with little or no results). It is frustrating. It must be nice to be able to spend time with your child without getting stressed or

frustrated! Am I the only one feeling this way? > > People close to me compliment me on my patience, but quite honestly I don't feel very patient. It's hard to be patient when it is the same thing, day after day!! And I feel bad, because he has improved in many areas........it just seems like there is always something I will have to work on while others just get to play with and enjoy their kids. I get to work on eye contact, social stories, social cues, etc. I still have to remind my 9 year old to say hi and bye when someone says it to him!

> > Guess I'm just having a guilt induced, feel bad for myself kind of day!!> > Thanks for listening!>

October 19, 2010

Oh boy do I relate to this. My daughter now says "Nice" a lot and in

a reeaalllly sarcastic way. But she uses it when, well, things are

nice! Unfortunately, she got this way of saying 'nice' from ME

because she would do or say something that would drive me nutty or

frustrate me and instead of getting mad I would just say "nice"

under my breath... I forget that saying something under my breath is

not quiet enough for this little sponge.

Jen

Lyme Parents, LIAspie 5yo

On 10/18/2010 8:10 PM, mimasdprofile wrote:

has a habit right now of saying, "You do that."

Whenever anyone says they're going to do that. "I'm going

to the grocery store now." "You do that." Which comes off

sounding sarcastic. But he has no idea that it sounds that

way because if you take it at face value it isn't mean at

all.

....

Miriam

October 19, 2010

Believe me...I don't buy into his attitude or disrespect. But, I do understand that with his DX that there is an underlying cause. I know his anger is caused by fustration at school, anger at having aspergers, anger about us nagging him and anger that he doesn't have a lot of friends at school.

At school he is normally (98-99%) respectful...it is at home where he takes out his fustration and disrespect. We are working on it with a therapist and it seems to be helping!

Jan

"In the Midst of Difficulty lies Opportunity" Albert Einstein

Success is not measured by one's position but by the obstacles one has overcome to obtain that position

From: <doyourecycle@...> Sent: Mon, October 18, 2010 10:52:50 PMSubject: Re: ( ) Re: Disrespectful Comments

I would like to ask how many of us take these situations and ask what is at the root of this behavior? Go beyond, "my son was angry, he always does this, etc."

Think: Behind every challenging behavior is a lagging skill or an unsolved problem. Don't just let this behavior become a part of your child's persona. Ross Greene does a fantastic job of walking you through how to approach problems that gets a kid to "buy in" to the solution to solve difficult problems.