Re: Update - Sharing for the first time

[Guest guest]

Thank you Pamela and to all who responded. Pursuing the Yale followups is

feeling overwhelming at this moment, but I do appreciate learning about this

direction that I might pursue.

Our son is 16 3/4.

This past week has been hectic as we try to find a private boarding school that

can provide the academic and life skills support that he is resistant to or are

not available at home/public school. For those of you in the same boat, I have

learned that we can cash in our IRAs without penalty for school related

expenses. While that isn't ideal, the gamble is to maximize the chance he will

be able to function independently and successfully after high school. Otherwise,

our small retirement funds at ages 54 & 62 will eventually be used to cover

support expenses anyway if we don't figure out a way to help him cope or

compensate for the effects of AS & find secure employment. We are looking at

Oak Hill Academy and also Bachman Academy if anyone here has a recommendation or

knows someone who has attended either.

After he's 18, we will lose the control to find suitable options and just be

reacting to HIS choices (or inertia based on who he tends to be now). My fear

is that he will choose the military because he isn't able to use theory of the

mind in projecting himself into the demands of boot camp, combat stress,

communal living, communal showering, insitutional food, and many other aspects

that , in my opinion, are usually extremely difficult for neurotypical kids to

cope with. Since TV and movies are so much of a part of how he finds

satisfaction & soothing in life, his perception of military reality is skewed by

1-2 hour scenarios in which life and death are completed at fictional rates &

with unrealistic developments. Hollywood, where anything looks possible,

further solidifies his disconnected reality between choices/actions taken today

and future options. So, one of my questions for this Group has to do with

whether anyone knows if the military accepts high funtioning autism recruits.

Since the dx has changed to HFA, there won't be a differentiation by the time he

might enlist in 1.5 years. As for the interview at a recruitment center, I'm

sure he would go alone because he would believe that I would screw it up for

him. He " presents " very very well in structured male-dominated interactions

that are casual and limited time wise. It would be easy for him to impress a

recruiter and not project anything out of the range of normal/ordinary based on

what is a stressful interview situation for any young man. In fact, I think the

recruiter would be impressed as my son has LEARNED by observation how to

assertively shake hands, dress, and act like a " man's man " . He is able to look

people in the eye as long as the conversation is comfortable to him. He says

his full name as he shakes the person's hand. Adult men almost always react

very positively to him, his strong hand shake, and believe he's exceptionally

mature for his age as a result of this learned behavior. He gets LOTS of

positive reinforcement at church and everywhere so he has shaped it to an art!

He is a shining example of how an AS kid can develop good social skills by

imitation of socially approved behavior. But underneath the surface are many of

the same behaviors that are discussed here and these are exhausting and

worrisome, particularly as I contemplate him joining the military. I often

wonder about the high number of suicides in today's military that I read about

in the news. Are these the young people that, for whatever reason, can't cope

with the stress and because they have an instrument of self destruction at their

ready disposal, it makes suicide an easy solution. Since AS affects the ability

to project one's actions as they relate to consequences in the future, he would

not think of how it would devastate those left behind. My child currently does

not self advocate so it would be highly unlikely he would ask for help.

Hopefully, these young adults would just act strangely and this gets them help

or discharge before they take self-destructive action. But just like with

bullied victims in schools, I wonder if a high percentage of suicide victims in

today's military are non-diagnosed as well as diagnosed AS recruits who are high

functioning enough to pass through the recruitment process. I would appreciate

your thoughts or knowledge on the subject. If we do not get him into a

successful boarding situation, I fear that our only child will join when he

turns 18.

---

Related to some current posts, I am with others who find their child just

doesn't have the typical motivation to do things that are not directly related

to something he/she is interested in. It's part of the bigger picture that my

son doesn't seem to have as a result of aspergers:

1. Even with black and white explanations, he doesn't " get it " that stepping

stones are worth taking because they lead to where success and fulfillment (that

he does want) can be found.

2. He cannot experience personal value in doing something (homework, a boring

chore, initiating a social activity, participating in a club are some of our

examples) simply because we tell him that it would make his parents (us)feel

good/soothed/helped. I suppose this could change with the passage of

adolescence but because it is so consistently present, I wonder if it applies to

all relationships, ?pets, bosses?

I ask, on behalf of those parents and myself, if any medications (ours does not

take any), schools, specific diets, time, alternative treatments, therapy, etc

have actually changed their child's behavior in either of these two specific

definition areas.

I was encouraged last night when I spoke with a new friend's husband that says

he believes that he had/has both ADD and AS but that he doesn't experience the

same amount of anxiety or limitations now that hs is an adult. He is in his 50s

and referenced that over the past ten years he has noticed the changes. His

2nd/current wife says, however that he still exhibits some maddening behaviors.

She so clearly loves and understands him that it just gave me great hope, and

yes HAPPY tears, as I drove home after the visit.

Thank you for reading and for continuing to be strong for when those of us are

low, and perhaps not sharing anything as I didn't for more than a year.

>

> On Monday of this week, after ten weeks of a supposed observation of our 16

year old son (in 10th grade)who was diagnosed a year ago with AS... the school

psychologist, County Head for Spec Ed, the school Special Ed teacher, and one of

the Assistant Principals with a background in Special Ed...all met with my

husband, son , and myself to determine whether he will be evaluated for an IEP.

He currently has a 504 plan that allows for extra time to turn in homework as

needed, a separate test area if needed, and some other things that never come

up. He never advocates for any of the 504 accomodations, never asks for help.

He does not do ANY homework outside of school (he gets some done at school) and

nothing we do can get him to do it. He will not stay after school either. He

has never communicated well with us and even less as a teenager. He hates us

to ask questions and if I do, he will be mad for the rest of the night and

possibly the next day too.

>

> Anyway, the end result is that they ARE going to administer some tests to get

a better fix on what specific learning difficulties he may have, but they said

they believe that he is " choosing " to do defeating behavior and THAT is NOT a

learning disability. For example, I asked if an IEP would allow the rule for

out-of-school- suspension to be waived when he has more than 10 (or whatever the

amount is) tardies. I explained that getting him up in the morning was

difficult because of the aspergers. The COUNTY HEAD of Special Ed told me that

that is not an aspect of aspergers and I firmly told her that it most certainly

is. She held her ground and said that all adolescents have difficulty with

getting up in the morning and that this is a behavioral issue that parents deal

with all the time. Besides, she informed me that there is no accomodation with

an IEP for tardies...the same rules apply unless there is a physical medical

condition that causes the tardiness. OK...am I wrong in understanding that

aspergers is often associated with severe difficulty getting up and going in the

morning no matter how much sleep is had? Later. she asked our son why he

doesn't do his work (he is close to failing two core classes) and he said

because it doesn't interest him. She , and the others, said that is not a

special ed issue. They also said that a D in an Honors Class is fine because

that translates into a C in regular classes. The COUNTY HEAD told us that he

should choose only regular classes next year rather than Honors Classes in order

to minimize stress since we expressed the belief that stress kicks in asperger

" shut down " for him. It does, but it's not because the educational material is

difficult in itself...it is other stuff going on in the school or classroom that

is the problem we just don't understand.

>

> I am new to all of this and what I learned, after a direct question about

this, is that Special Ed is not there to help students maximize their potential.

Though he may have an IQ in the 120s, making Cs in regular classes is fine as

far as the state special ed stipulations go. He would be bored silly in regular

classes and he is not tolerant of slow thinkers in normal life so I would expect

he is the same in school. I called it dumbing up to my husband because he'll

make Cs instead of Ds and learn even less than he is learning now. They do not

seem to see the correlation that his lack of willingness to accomplish work is

related to his complete inability to deal with frustration. I don't know WHY

the work or perhaps the directions or the processing in some form is creating

frustration for him because I'm not in school to see it and he does not

communicate with us about it. It is incredibly difficult for me to see this

very smart young man with so much potential spiral down without being able to

understand what the triggers are to give him tools or a way to work around them.

And now, my hope that Special Ed would help him appears very unlikely since they

explained that they are educational providers and only when a disability impairs

the child's ability to obtain that education are they required to aid the child.

Because he is doing " fine " in their estimation in terms of his education i.e. Ds

in his classes, there does not appear to be a disability impacting his

education. They said if he chooses not to do homework or projects, that is a

choice a lot of teenagers make. I didn't bother explaining that he has a total

disconnect with projected future desires and understaning how his current grades

do not support those desires. The choices he is making are driven by the

disabiilty itself...not his lack of motivation or desire. When I talked to him

after the meeting, he said that he wants to be pushed to reach his potential,

not be average. It is heartbreaking to see the lack of control he has to reach

his potential.

>

> After anticipating and waiting so long for some hope...I came away from the

meeting very dissapointed. I guess I expected something unrealistic in terms of

public education support. Should I contiue to advocate for an IEP...if so,

why? Was I completely off base here in thinking an IEP would give him tools to

get the education he deserves. They also told me that a lot of kids really

resent getting the IEP and being put in a class for special ed. That was the

icing on top of the cake. I do think he would benefit from being in a special

ed class for one period each day but now I wonder if it is a stigma since they

brought it up.

>

> I feel like we have no direction to head toward now and the help I thought the

school could provide is not what they are required to provide by law apparently.

We live in NC.

>

> Thank you for reading this long story. Nothing would make me happier than to

believe that his issues are just adolescent and by " choice " rather than accept

the dx from a licensed psychologist that he sees every single week! We are now

looking at a private boarding school that specializes in learning disabilities

but the cost is astronomical. My husband is in his 60s, I'm in my 50s and we

would be using all of our savings and going into retirement funds. Has anyone

sent their aspie student to a private school like that? Was it worth it????

did it make a long term difference in their ability to live independently and

happily? We cannot homeschool (both work)and he would not cooperate anyway. We

would like to be able to visit with him regularly so the private schools we

would consider would have to be within a reasonable 6 hours drive or less.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

, if you are referring to Bachman Academy in Tennessee I do know a lot

about it. Let me know if that is the school, or you can contact me off list,

sue@...

Sue

> >

> > On Monday of this week, after ten weeks of a supposed observation of our 16

year old son (in 10th grade)who was diagnosed a year ago with AS... the school

psychologist, County Head for Spec Ed, the school Special Ed teacher, and one of

the Assistant Principals with a background in Special Ed...all met with my

husband, son , and myself to determine whether he will be evaluated for an IEP.

He currently has a 504 plan that allows for extra time to turn in homework as

needed, a separate test area if needed, and some other things that never come

up. He never advocates for any of the 504 accomodations, never asks for help.

He does not do ANY homework outside of school (he gets some done at school) and

nothing we do can get him to do it. He will not stay after school either. He

has never communicated well with us and even less as a teenager. He hates us

to ask questions and if I do, he will be mad for the rest of the night and

possibly the next day too.

> >

> > Anyway, the end result is that they ARE going to administer some tests to

get a better fix on what specific learning difficulties he may have, but they

said they believe that he is " choosing " to do defeating behavior and THAT is NOT

a learning disability. For example, I asked if an IEP would allow the rule for

out-of-school- suspension to be waived when he has more than 10 (or whatever the

amount is) tardies. I explained that getting him up in the morning was

difficult because of the aspergers. The COUNTY HEAD of Special Ed told me that

that is not an aspect of aspergers and I firmly told her that it most certainly

is. She held her ground and said that all adolescents have difficulty with

getting up in the morning and that this is a behavioral issue that parents deal

with all the time. Besides, she informed me that there is no accomodation with

an IEP for tardies...the same rules apply unless there is a physical medical

condition that causes the tardiness. OK...am I wrong in understanding that

aspergers is often associated with severe difficulty getting up and going in the

morning no matter how much sleep is had? Later. she asked our son why he

doesn't do his work (he is close to failing two core classes) and he said

because it doesn't interest him. She , and the others, said that is not a

special ed issue. They also said that a D in an Honors Class is fine because

that translates into a C in regular classes. The COUNTY HEAD told us that he

should choose only regular classes next year rather than Honors Classes in order

to minimize stress since we expressed the belief that stress kicks in asperger

" shut down " for him. It does, but it's not because the educational material is

difficult in itself...it is other stuff going on in the school or classroom that

is the problem we just don't understand.

> >

> > I am new to all of this and what I learned, after a direct question about

this, is that Special Ed is not there to help students maximize their potential.

Though he may have an IQ in the 120s, making Cs in regular classes is fine as

far as the state special ed stipulations go. He would be bored silly in regular

classes and he is not tolerant of slow thinkers in normal life so I would expect

he is the same in school. I called it dumbing up to my husband because he'll

make Cs instead of Ds and learn even less than he is learning now. They do not

seem to see the correlation that his lack of willingness to accomplish work is

related to his complete inability to deal with frustration. I don't know WHY

the work or perhaps the directions or the processing in some form is creating

frustration for him because I'm not in school to see it and he does not

communicate with us about it. It is incredibly difficult for me to see this

very smart young man with so much potential spiral down without being able to

understand what the triggers are to give him tools or a way to work around them.

And now, my hope that Special Ed would help him appears very unlikely since they

explained that they are educational providers and only when a disability impairs

the child's ability to obtain that education are they required to aid the child.

Because he is doing " fine " in their estimation in terms of his education i.e. Ds

in his classes, there does not appear to be a disability impacting his

education. They said if he chooses not to do homework or projects, that is a

choice a lot of teenagers make. I didn't bother explaining that he has a total

disconnect with projected future desires and understaning how his current grades

do not support those desires. The choices he is making are driven by the

disabiilty itself...not his lack of motivation or desire. When I talked to him

after the meeting, he said that he wants to be pushed to reach his potential,

not be average. It is heartbreaking to see the lack of control he has to reach

his potential.

> >

> > After anticipating and waiting so long for some hope...I came away from the

meeting very dissapointed. I guess I expected something unrealistic in terms of

public education support. Should I contiue to advocate for an IEP...if so,

why? Was I completely off base here in thinking an IEP would give him tools to

get the education he deserves. They also told me that a lot of kids really

resent getting the IEP and being put in a class for special ed. That was the

icing on top of the cake. I do think he would benefit from being in a special

ed class for one period each day but now I wonder if it is a stigma since they

brought it up.

> >

> > I feel like we have no direction to head toward now and the help I thought

the school could provide is not what they are required to provide by law

apparently. We live in NC.

> >

> > Thank you for reading this long story. Nothing would make me happier than

to believe that his issues are just adolescent and by " choice " rather than

accept the dx from a licensed psychologist that he sees every single week! We

are now looking at a private boarding school that specializes in learning

disabilities but the cost is astronomical. My husband is in his 60s, I'm in my

50s and we would be using all of our savings and going into retirement funds.

Has anyone sent their aspie student to a private school like that? Was it

worth it???? did it make a long term difference in their ability to live

independently and happily? We cannot homeschool (both work)and he would not

cooperate anyway. We would like to be able to visit with him regularly so the

private schools we would consider would have to be within a reasonable 6 hours

drive or less.

> >

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I've heard conflicting information about the military & Aspergers so can't help

you there.

For my son, Prozac helped a great deal when he was 16 to help turn down the

anxiety and help him focus. My son has a good friend with AS who must take a

variety of medications to get through the day. But from time to time, the

medications need to be adjusted. We resisted medications for a long time, but

when my son clearly needed more help, I am so grateful that they were there.

Temple Grandin has written about her experiences as an autistic and what a gift

that her medication has been. In my son's case, he took Prozac for while and

then he refused to take it any more. He is doing OK without the medication for

now but I think he may need it again in the future.

My son crashed in the public schools - no 504, no IEP, and he reached a meltdown

at 15 where he could not get out of bed and absolutely refused to go to school

or even enter a school district building. His doctor said not to force him to go

because the school had become a toxic place for him. Our solution was to beg for

a full evaluation & finally get an IEP in place and then look for Plan B in case

he still couldn't go to public school. We looked at tutors from the school

district, homeschooling, alternative schools, and then found a private school

for AS kids close by. We enrolled him and he blossomed. I had enough money in

savings for one year of tuition and just prayed that we'd find a way for him to

stay. Since he was going to the new school and actually doing the homework, the

school district agreed that his private school was the best placement and they

paid tuition. We worked with an advocate and then a lawyer and it was money well

spent.

My son felt safe at his new school. He was with his tribe. He made friends.

Eventually he started doing all of his homework and fully participating. He

calmed down alot. No meltdowns at home anymore. Home was a happier place to be

for everyone. During his senior year, with the encouragement from his high

school, he started taking night classes at college.

Maybe you don't need to send your son to a boarding school, but definitely get

him out of the school where he is now.

[Guest guest]

,

When you say aspergers school--is it a school specificially for asperger children? I've called all the schools here and they are for lower spectrum autistic children, and said my son would not be the right fit, as he is too high functioning.

Now I'm trying to see if a private school might be better if it is smaller, because my son is the same way. He thinks the teacher hates him at school, and got so depressed, that he refused to go back. He is 10 and I'm currently homeschooling.

Purrs & Kisses,

Kristal of Digi Kitty Stamps

www.thedigikitty.blogspot.com

Join us for challenges, freebies, and fun!

From: <tamaoki_s@...>Subject: ( ) Re: Update - Sharing for the first time Date: Thursday, May 20, 2010, 2:13 PM

I've heard conflicting information about the military & Aspergers so can't help you there. For my son, Prozac helped a great deal when he was 16 to help turn down the anxiety and help him focus. My son has a good friend with AS who must take a variety of medications to get through the day. But from time to time, the medications need to be adjusted. We resisted medications for a long time, but when my son clearly needed more help, I am so grateful that they were there. Temple Grandin has written about her experiences as an autistic and what a gift that her medication has been. In my son's case, he took Prozac for while and then he refused to take it any more. He is doing OK without the medication for now but I think he may need it again in the future. My son crashed in the public schools - no 504, no IEP, and he reached a meltdown at 15 where he could not get out of bed and absolutely refused to go to school or even enter a school

district building. His doctor said not to force him to go because the school had become a toxic place for him. Our solution was to beg for a full evaluation & finally get an IEP in place and then look for Plan B in case he still couldn't go to public school. We looked at tutors from the school district, homeschooling, alternative schools, and then found a private school for AS kids close by. We enrolled him and he blossomed. I had enough money in savings for one year of tuition and just prayed that we'd find a way for him to stay. Since he was going to the new school and actually doing the homework, the school district agreed that his private school was the best placement and they paid tuition. We worked with an advocate and then a lawyer and it was money well spent. My son felt safe at his new school. He was with his tribe. He made friends. Eventually he started doing all of his homework and fully participating. He calmed down alot. No

meltdowns at home anymore. Home was a happier place to be for everyone. During his senior year, with the encouragement from his high school, he started taking night classes at college. Maybe you don't need to send your son to a boarding school, but definitely get him out of the school where he is now.

[Guest guest]

Doing baby steps/experiencing value in doing things: I am late in getting into this conversation but we have also dealt with these issues. You might look into cognitive behavior therapy. A teacher who worked really well with my older ds used this "concept" with him and it really worked well. I don't know whether it would work with your ds or not. But here are some thoughts:

Don't ask him to do things to make you happy. He won't. You will get discouraged and hurt. And nobody wins. And remember, some perfectly NT kids will refuse to do things that might make their parents happy just because they can. What you need to do is find out why he should do something and help him connect those dots and make those connections.

How. Each child is different. What worked for us was the CBT and finding direct connections. For instance, teacher would say to my ds, "I know you hate writing poetry and aren't good at it. But in order to pass this class and pass 8th grade, you have to write this poem. So let's think of what we can write it about." She knew his primary interests and led him towards those to help. She also helped outline the process with him. I mean, she didn't just say "Do it because you have to" and walk off. She explained why, then helped him chunk it into do-able pieces, then helped him complete those parts. When he completed things, we did a lot of cheering and letting him know how this helped him reach goals. She also rewarded him from time to time to encourage him. Sometimes just praise is not that interesting to some of our kids. Mine is like that. So using tangible rewards helps in those cases. Now he is older and he gets it - that sometimes he just has to do things and there is no really good reason except that's life. That is a big step to get to! And sometimes he still won't do it. lol. But most of the time, he cooperates. I chalk that up to a lot of practice over many years.

Another idea - write things down. Many times our kids cannot see how one thing leads to another! This is a good time to use visuals - either drawing or writing and connecting the dots (literally!) so that they can see how one thing will lead to what they want. A reverse idea would be to find out a goal that they have and then write down the steps necessary to get from here to there. Cross things off as you go to see progress being made. Then celebrate when he reaches the end. It would be great to do small things first and build up to larger "what should I do with my life" concepts later once he gets the hang of it.

Another thought: At age 18, it can become dicey. You do have the option of getting guardianship over him. I don't know the right language and it may vary by state, so contact a lawyer in your area to discuss the possibility. But if you are that worried, it may be something you might have to consider.

Roxanna

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

( ) Re: Update - Sharing for the first time

Thank you Pamela and to all who responded. Pursuing the Yale followups is feeling overwhelming at this moment, but I do appreciate learning about this direction that I might pursue.

Our son is 16 3/4.

This past week has been hectic as we try to find a private boarding school that can provide the academic and life skills support that he is resistant to or are not available at home/public school. For those of you in the same boat, I have learned that we can cash in our IRAs without penalty for school related expenses. While that isn't ideal, the gamble is to maximize the chance he will be able to function independently and successfully after high school. Otherwise, our small retirement funds at ages 54 & 62 will eventually be used to cover support expenses anyway if we don't figure out a way to help him cope or compensate for the effects of AS & find secure employment. We are looking at Oak Hill Academy and also Bachman Academy if anyone here has a recommendation or knows someone who has attended either.

After he's 18, we will lose the control to find suitable options and just be reacting to HIS choices (or inertia based on who he tends to be now). My fear is that he will choose the military because he isn't able to use theory of the mind in projecting himself into the demands of boot camp, combat stress, communal living, communal showering, insitutional food, and many other aspects that , in my opinion, are usually extremely difficult for neurotypical kids to cope with. Since TV and movies are so much of a part of how he finds satisfaction & soothing in life, his perception of military reality is skewed by 1-2 hour scenarios in which life and death are completed at fictional rates & with unrealistic developments. Hollywood, where anything looks possible, further solidifies his disconnected reality between choices/actions taken today and future options. So, one of my questions for this Group has to do with whether anyone knows if the military accepts high funtion

ing autism recruits. Since the dx has changed to HFA, there won't be a differentiation by the time he might enlist in 1.5 years. As for the interview at a recruitment center, I'm sure he would go alone because he would believe that I would screw it up for him. He "presents" very very well in structured male-dominated interactions that are casual and limited time wise. It would be easy for him to impress a recruiter and not project anything out of the range of normal/ordinary based on what is a stressful interview situation for any young man. In fact, I think the recruiter would be impressed as my son has LEARNED by observation how to assertively shake hands, dress, and act like a "man's man". He is able to look people in the eye as long as the conversation is comfortable to him. He says his full name as he shakes the person's hand. Adult men almost always react very positively to him, his strong hand shake, and believe he's exceptionally mature fo

r his age as a result of this learned behavior. He gets LOTS of positive reinforcement at church and everywhere so he has shaped it to an art! He is a shining example of how an AS kid can develop good social skills by imitation of socially approved behavior. But underneath the surface are many of the same behaviors that are discussed here and these are exhausting and worrisome, particularly as I contemplate him joining the military. I often wonder about the high number of suicides in today's military that I read about in the news. Are these the young people that, for whatever reason, can't cope with the stress and because they have an instrument of self destruction at their ready disposal, it makes suicide an easy solution. Since AS affects the ability to project one's actions as they relate to consequences in the future, he would not think of how it would devastate those left behind. My child currently does not self advocate so it would be highly unlikely he would a

sk for help. Hopefully, these young adults would just act strangely and this gets them help or discharge before they take self-destructive action. But just like with bullied victims in schools, I wonder if a high percentage of suicide victims in today's military are non-diagnosed as well as diagnosed AS recruits who are high functioning enough to pass through the recruitment process. I would appreciate your thoughts or knowledge on the subject. If we do not get him into a successful boarding situation, I fear that our only child will join when he turns 18.

---

Related to some current posts, I am with others who find their child just doesn't have the typical motivation to do things that are not directly related to something he/she is interested in. It's part of the bigger picture that my son doesn't seem to have as a result of aspergers:

1. Even with black and white explanations, he doesn't "get it" that stepping stones are worth taking because they lead to where success and fulfillment (that he does want) can be found.

2. He cannot experience personal value in doing something (homework, a boring chore, initiating a social activity, participating in a club are some of our examples) simply because we tell him that it would make his parents (us)feel good/soothed/helped. I suppose this could change with the passage of adolescence but because it is so consistently present, I wonder if it applies to all relationships, ?pets, bosses?

I ask, on behalf of those parents and myself, if any medications (ours does not take any), schools, specific diets, time, alternative treatments, therapy, etc have actually changed their child's behavior in either of these two specific definition areas.

I was encouraged last night when I spoke with a new friend's husband that says he believes that he had/has both ADD and AS but that he doesn't experience the same amount of anxiety or limitations now that hs is an adult. He is in his 50s and referenced that over the past ten years he has noticed the changes. His 2nd/current wife says, however that he still exhibits some maddening behaviors. She so clearly loves and understands him that it just gave me great hope, and yes HAPPY tears, as I drove home after the visit.

Thank you for reading and for continuing to be strong for when those of us are low, and perhaps not sharing anything as I didn't for more than a year.

>

> On Monday of this week, after ten weeks of a supposed observation of our 16 year old son (in 10th grade)who was diagnosed a year ago with AS... the school psychologist, County Head for Spec Ed, the school Special Ed teacher, and one of the Assistant Principals with a background in Special Ed...all met with my husband, son , and myself to determine whether he will be evaluated for an IEP. He currently has a 504 plan that allows for extra time to turn in homework as needed, a separate test area if needed, and some other things that never come up. He never advocates for any of the 504 accomodations, never asks for help. He does not do ANY homework outside of school (he gets some done at school) and nothing we do can get him to do it. He will not stay after school either. He has never communicated well with us and even less as a teenager. He hates us to ask questions and if I do, he will be mad for the rest of the night and possibly the next day too.

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> Anyway, the end result is that they ARE going to administer some tests to get a better fix on what specific learning difficulties he may have, but they said they believe that he is "choosing" to do defeating behavior and THAT is NOT a learning disability. For example, I asked if an IEP would allow the rule for out-of-school- suspension to be waived when he has more than 10 (or whatever the amount is) tardies. I explained that getting him up in the morning was difficult because of the aspergers. The COUNTY HEAD of Special Ed told me that that is not an aspect of aspergers and I firmly told her that it most certainly is. She held her ground and said that all adolescents have difficulty with getting up in the morning and that this is a behavioral issue that parents deal with all the time. Besides, she informed me that there is no accomodation with an IEP for tardies...the same rules apply unless there is a physical medical condition that causes the tardines

s. OK...am I wrong in understanding that aspergers is often associated with severe difficulty getting up and going in the morning no matter how much sleep is had? Later. she asked our son why he doesn't do his work (he is close to failing two core classes) and he said because it doesn't interest him. She , and the others, said that is not a special ed issue. They also said that a D in an Honors Class is fine because that translates into a C in regular classes. The COUNTY HEAD told us that he should choose only regular classes next year rather than Honors Classes in order to minimize stress since we expressed the belief that stress kicks in asperger "shut down" for him. It does, but it's not because the educational material is difficult in itself...it is other stuff going on in the school or classroom that is the problem we just don't understand.

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> I am new to all of this and what I learned, after a direct question about this, is that Special Ed is not there to help students maximize their potential. Though he may have an IQ in the 120s, making Cs in regular classes is fine as far as the state special ed stipulations go. He would be bored silly in regular classes and he is not tolerant of slow thinkers in normal life so I would expect he is the same in school. I called it dumbing up to my husband because he'll make Cs instead of Ds and learn even less than he is learning now. They do not seem to see the correlation that his lack of willingness to accomplish work is related to his complete inability to deal with frustration. I don't know WHY the work or perhaps the directions or the processing in some form is creating frustration for him because I'm not in school to see it and he does not communicate with us about it. It is incredibly difficult for me to see this very smart young man with so much potential spiral down without being able to understand what the triggers are to give him tools or a way to work around them. And now, my hope that Special Ed would help him appears very unlikely since they explained that they are educational providers and only when a disability impairs the child's ability to obtain that education are they required to aid the child. Because he is doing "fine" in their estimation in terms of his education i.e. Ds in his classes, there does not appear to be a disability impacting his education. They said if he chooses not to do homework or projects, that is a choice a lot of teenagers make. I didn't bother explaining that he has a total disconnect with projected future desires and understaning how his current grades do not support those desires. The choices he is making are driven by the disabiilty itself...not his lack of motivation or desire. When I talked to him after the meeting, he said that he wants to be pushed to reach his potent

ial, not be average. It is heartbreaking to see the lack of control he has to reach his potential.

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> After anticipating and waiting so long for some hope...I came away from the meeting very dissapointed. I guess I expected something unrealistic in terms of public education support. Should I contiue to advocate for an IEP...if so, why? Was I completely off base here in thinking an IEP would give him tools to get the education he deserves. They also told me that a lot of kids really resent getting the IEP and being put in a class for special ed. That was the icing on top of the cake. I do think he would benefit from being in a special ed class for one period each day but now I wonder if it is a stigma since they brought it up.

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> I feel like we have no direction to head toward now and the help I thought the school could provide is not what they are required to provide by law apparently. We live in NC.

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> Thank you for reading this long story. Nothing would make me happier than to believe that his issues are just adolescent and by "choice" rather than accept the dx from a licensed psychologist that he sees every single week! We are now looking at a private boarding school that specializes in learning disabilities but the cost is astronomical. My husband is in his 60s, I'm in my 50s and we would be using all of our savings and going into retirement funds. Has anyone sent their aspie student to a private school like that? Was it worth it???? did it make a long term difference in their ability to live independently and happily? We cannot homeschool (both work)and he would not cooperate anyway. We would like to be able to visit with him regularly so the private schools we would consider would have to be within a reasonable 6 hours drive or less.

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