Re: How to handle lying

[Guest guest]

He might think he is being honest. Maybe he ate 2 cups but 5 times. It's hard to know how he is justifying it to himself. You might have to hide the cereal when you go out.SuzanneSent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®From: "" <denise092769@...>Sender: Date: Thu, 30 Dec 2010 22:18:40 -0000< >Reply Subject: ( ) How to handle lying My boyfriend son 14 he has aspergers ocd, he also diabetic i had to to do errands was whole boxs cereal gone he measure his cereal he alowed 2 cups ok i see the empty box i asked what happened i asked if ate some later he says no he was only one in house he swears doesnt know what happened to rest i know it not a big deal i hate he lying to me i wasnt yelling i told i rather he be honest i guess he believes he didnt very fustrating how do i handle this

[Guest guest]

I would have him talk to the school nurse about other healthy

food choices when he is hungry or ask the nurses at the

endocronologist's office to talk to him. He has to learn to

cope with diabetes. More than 1/2 of typical kids with diabetes

deny their condition and refuse to take meds. And these are typical

kids. I would ignore that he lied, you know and he knows what happened

it is just shaming him to do any more. I would go down the

path of helping him with food choices when he is hungry or wants

to snack. And praise all his healthy choices. Unfortunately

there are not too many food he can really munch on, too many

carbs. My husband is 50, diabetic and he sneaks cookies into his basement TV

room and he does better after a talk from the doctor.

Pam

>

> My boyfriend son 14 he has aspergers ocd, he also diabetic i had to to do

errands was whole boxs cereal gone he measure his cereal he alowed 2 cups ok

i see the empty box i asked what happened i asked if ate some later he says no

he was only one in house he swears doesnt know what happened to rest i know it

not a big deal i hate he lying to me i wasnt yelling i told i rather he be

honest i guess he believes he didnt very fustrating how do i handle this

>

[Guest guest]

We have had simillar issues in our house with other food - Ive just accepted that this is

going to be an ongoing thing. Like you though, it isn't about the item it is the lying that

is not OK with me. I keep thinking this is little and doesn't matter but what happens when

it turns into money or other items of other people.

We keep emphasising that it is important to tell the truth and that it doesn't always mean

that you will get into trouble... I think this isn't black and white enough in explanation

though. My latest was biscuits that I had made for christmas gifts not being there when

I went to package them... grrr!!!

From: <denise092769@...>Subject: ( ) How to handle lying Received: Friday, 31 December, 2010, 9:18 AM

My boyfriend son 14 he has aspergers ocd, he also diabetic i had to to do errands was whole boxs cereal gone he measure his cereal he alowed 2 cups ok i see the empty box i asked what happened i asked if ate some later he says no he was only one in house he swears doesnt know what happened to rest i know it not a big deal i hate he lying to me i wasnt yelling i told i rather he be honest i guess he believes he didnt very fustrating how do i handle this

[Guest guest]

later on in the nite i saw a lot of things low like he had a eating binge i'm worried he gonna have a eating addiction for example if there extra food he has stare at it like its killing him he cant have it im very concerned about him being a diabetic

From: <denise092769@...>Subject: ( ) How to handle lying Received: Friday, 31 December, 2010, 9:18 AM

My boyfriend son 14 he has aspergers ocd, he also diabetic i had to to do errands was whole boxs cereal gone he measure his cereal he alowed 2 cups ok i see the empty box i asked what happened i asked if ate some later he says no he was only one in house he swears doesnt know what happened to rest i know it not a big deal i hate he lying to me i wasnt yelling i told i rather he be honest i guess he believes he didnt very fustrating how do i handle this

[Guest guest]

We had this too - if you know for almost certain they did the

something, try to get into the habit of starting with question 2,

not question 1 and then they don't get the "option" to lie, for

example:

Don't ask "did you eat all the cereal?" - prime option to lie as a

straight yes/no answer is too tempting to say "no" and then you are

having to accuse...

Instead ask "when did you eat all the cereal"

Don't ask "did you go to the mall?"

Ask "who did you go to the mall with?"

Don't ask "did you take money out of my purse?"

Ask "how much did you take out of my purse?" or "what did you use

the money for that was in my purse?"

You get the general idea - otherwise you can't deal with the lying or

the background problem as you ground out right at the beginning of

the conversation and have to accuse them of lying to get anywhere. 

If dd genuinely hadn't done whatever then her next statement was a

surprised "I didn't". Even if she said "I didn't" and I knew she

had, from there it was easier to say "I know you did xyz, I just

want to know why/when" etc. I found this way we were having the

conversation about the problem AND I could deal with the

fact that their behaviour was underhand ie next time eat some fruit

if you're hungry/let me go with you to the mall/let's discuss what

you spend money on etc.

I don't think in their heads they know they are lying as we see it,

they are merely escaping feeling uncomfortable in the same way they

stim to cope/avoid certain clothing/daydream etc - lying is as

simple as another coping mechanism to them so they don't see it as

"wrong" anymore than they can see the other coping mechanisms as

wrong.  Obviously they have to be taught that it is wrong but I

found the only way to do that in the end was to demonstrate lying

and stealing back to them - whoa did they not like that as it threw

the black and white default setting that "Mum is always to be

trusted" and showed how we have to be able to trust one another, to

date we have not had a problem since.

One other thing, please be aware that to someone with AS, some foods

can be an addiction they may not be able to control - when we got

beneath the lying, we discovered that various food items were

"flashing" (her word) in a way dd could not ignore across the room

eg the sugar bowl kept on the side by the kettle was "flashing" so

much she could not leave it alone.  We ended up for a period with a

chain and padlock on our cupboard with all food kept inside it.  If

you would not put an adult alcoholic alone in a liquor store, you

cannot expect a child with a food problem to control themselves left

alone in a kitchen with access to food.  Until we could start to

control the addiction, we could not deal with the lying or the self

control issues and although it was a complete nightmare locking up

food and dealing with the deception aspects etc if you liken it to

dealing with an alcoholic, it might help you cope with the process. 

We detoxed dd from mega sugar intake (given by the foods she was

fixating on eg cereals, biscuits, hot chocolate etc etc) and then we

could deal with her going forwards but this took a couple of months

of locked cupboards, measured food portions etc.

Hope some of this helps - I found it all incredibly traumatic at the

time.

a

On 31/12/2010 01:44, Tammy Phelps wrote:

 

We have had simillar issues in our house with

other food - Ive just accepted that this is

going to be an ongoing thing. Like you

though, it isn't about the item it is the lying

that

is not OK with me. I keep thinking this is

little and doesn't matter but what happens when

it turns into money or other items of other

people.

 

We keep emphasising that it is important to

tell the truth and that it doesn't always mean

that you will get into trouble... I think

this isn't black and white enough in explanation

though. My latest was biscuits that I had

made for christmas gifts not being there when

I went to package them... grrr!!!

 

 

From: <denise092769@...>

Subject: ( ) How to handle lying

Received: Friday, 31 December, 2010, 9:18 AM

 

My boyfriend son 14 he has aspergers

ocd, he also diabetic i had to to do

errands was whole boxs cereal gone he

measure his cereal he alowed 2 cups ok i

see the empty box i asked what happened i

asked if ate some later he says no he was

only one in house he swears doesnt know

what happened to rest i know it not a big

deal i hate he lying to me i wasnt yelling

i told i rather he be honest i guess he

believes he didnt very fustrating how do i

handle this

 

[Guest guest]

My son, 15, is exactly the same way. He will deny everything. One day he was home sick. He called for something and I told him no. Well, when I got home he was in a better mood. But when I went into my bedroom, I noticed a nice hole in the wall...directly across from my bed. Then, I could not find the remote. Of course, my son said he didn't know anything about it. He will deny it till he is blue in the face.

He is my only child. Then, he says...You never believe me. How can I ever believe him when he is telling the truth. I am constantly reminding him of the "Boy who cried Wolf".

What I do now is...I don't give him a chance to deny it. I know he did it. No one else was in the house. So, I say, well there is a new hole in my bedroom wall. When your dad comes home, you are going to help him fix it. And, the next time you throw or break something the money needed to fix it will come out of your savings account.

Sometimes he will admit to doing it ....but that is usually months down the road. Of course it is always explained by X made me mad or upset me. I tell him again and again he needs to control his anger in another way. Go for a walk, punch his pillow or go bang a tree. I wish I had room in my house for a punching bag....

So far ...no more broken things...but let's see how long this last.

Jan

"In the Midst of Difficulty lies Opportunity" Albert Einstein

Success is not measured by one's position but by the obstacles one has overcome to obtain that position

From: Tammy Phelps <phelpstammy@...> Sent: Thu, December 30, 2010 8:44:12 PMSubject: Re: ( ) How to handle lying

We have had simillar issues in our house with other food - Ive just accepted that this is

going to be an ongoing thing. Like you though, it isn't about the item it is the lying that

is not OK with me. I keep thinking this is little and doesn't matter but what happens when

it turns into money or other items of other people.

We keep emphasising that it is important to tell the truth and that it doesn't always mean

that you will get into trouble... I think this isn't black and white enough in explanation

though. My latest was biscuits that I had made for christmas gifts not being there when

I went to package them... grrr!!!

From: <denise092769@...>Subject: ( ) How to handle lying Received: Friday, 31 December, 2010, 9:18 AM

My boyfriend son 14 he has aspergers ocd, he also diabetic i had to to do errands was whole boxs cereal gone he measure his cereal he alowed 2 cups ok i see the empty box i asked what happened i asked if ate some later he says no he was only one in house he swears doesnt know what happened to rest i know it not a big deal i hate he lying to me i wasnt yelling i told i rather he be honest i guess he believes he didnt very fustrating how do i handle this

[Guest guest]

Why is there instinct to lie. I even said if you were adult what would you think. He he says same thing. Its so fustrating. I want to know lying bad. But he swears he didn't do it and crySent via BlackBerry from T-MobileFrom: rushen janice <jrushen@...>Sender: Date: Fri, 31 Dec 2010 07:47:29 -0800 (PST)< >Reply Subject: Re: ( ) How to handle lying My son, 15, is exactly the same way. He will deny everything. One day he was home sick. He called for something and I told him no. Well, when I got home he was in a better mood. But when I went into my bedroom, I noticed a nice hole in the wall...directly across from my bed. Then, I could not find the remote. Of course, my son said he didn't know anything about it. He will deny it till he is blue in the face.He is my only child. Then, he says...You never believe me. How can I ever believe him when he is telling the truth. I am constantly reminding him of the "Boy who cried Wolf". What I do now is...I don't give him a chance to deny it. I know he did it. No one else was in the house. So, I say, well there is a new hole in my bedroom wall. When your dad comes home, you are going to help him fix it. And, the next time you throw or break something the money needed to fix it will come out of your savings account. Sometimes he will admit to doing it ....but that is usually months down the road. Of course it is always explained by X made me mad or upset me. I tell him again and again he needs to control his anger in another way. Go for a walk, punch his pillow or go bang a tree. I wish I had room in my house for a punching bag.... So far ...no more broken things...but let's see how long this last. Jan "In the Midst of Difficulty lies Opportunity" Albert Einstein Success is not measured by one's position but by the obstacles one has overcome to obtain that positionFrom: Tammy Phelps <phelpstammy@...> Sent: Thu, December 30, 2010 8:44:12 PMSubject: Re: ( ) How to handle lying We have had simillar issues in our house with other food - Ive just accepted that this is going to be an ongoing thing. Like you though, it isn't about the item it is the lying thatis not OK with me. I keep thinking this is little and doesn't matter but what happens whenit turns into money or other items of other people. We keep emphasising that it is important to tell the truth and that it doesn't always meanthat you will get into trouble... I think this isn't black and white enough in explanationthough. My latest was biscuits that I had made for christmas gifts not being there whenI went to package them... grrr!!! From: <denise092769@...>Subject: ( ) How to handle lying Received: Friday, 31 December, 2010, 9:18 AM My boyfriend son 14 he has aspergers ocd, he also diabetic i had to to do errands was whole boxs cereal gone he measure his cereal he alowed 2 cups ok i see the empty box i asked what happened i asked if ate some later he says no he was only one in house he swears doesnt know what happened to rest i know it not a big deal i hate he lying to me i wasnt yelling i told i rather he be honest i guess he believes he didnt very fustrating how do i handle this

[Guest guest]

he sounds similar i just worry about the lying i guess he believes he not

From: <denise092769@...>Subject: ( ) How to handle lying Received: Friday, 31 December, 2010, 9:18 AM

My boyfriend son 14 he has aspergers ocd, he also diabetic i had to to do errands was whole boxs cereal gone he measure his cereal he alowed 2 cups ok i see the empty box i asked what happened i asked if ate some later he says no he was only one in house he swears doesnt know what happened to rest i know it not a big deal i hate he lying to me i wasnt yelling i told i rather he be honest i guess he believes he didnt very fustrating how do i handle this

[Guest guest]

My

daughter is the same way. One way she handles her anger issues is by throwing

softballs. We have a big piece of plywood with a target on it in the back yard.

When she’s starting to get tense I have her go outside and throw some balls.

Recently she has started playing softball, pitching if you can believe it. This

kills two birds with one stone (ball)!

From:

[mailto: ] On

Behalf Of Cachia

Sent: Sunday, January 02, 2011

11:02 PM

To:

Subject: Re: ( )

How to handle lying

he sounds similar i just worry about the lying

i guess he believes he not

From: <denise092769@...>

Subject: ( ) How to handle lying

Received: Friday, 31 December, 2010, 9:18 AM

My boyfriend son 14

he has aspergers ocd, he also diabetic i had to to do errands was whole

boxs cereal gone he measure his cereal he alowed 2 cups ok i see the empty

box i asked what happened i asked if ate some later he says no he was only

one in house he swears doesnt know what happened to rest i know it not a

big deal i hate he lying to me i wasnt yelling i told i rather he be honest

i guess he believes he didnt very fustrating how do i handle this

[Guest guest]

I would suggest not giving him the option to lie. If you know he did something, skip questioning "who" did it and go straight to your point.

Roxanna

"I

predict future happiness for Americans if they can prevent the government from wasting the labors of the people under the pretense of taking care of them." - Jefferson

( ) How to handle lying

My boyfriend son 14 he has aspergers ocd, he also diabetic i had to to do errands was whole boxs cereal gone he measure his cereal he alowed 2 cups ok i see the empty box i asked what happened i asked if ate some later he says no he was only one in house he swears doesnt know what happened to rest i know it not a big deal i hate he lying to me i wasnt yelling i told i rather he be honest i guess he believes he didnt very fustrating how do i handle this