Re: Meeting with school tomorrow - ideas needed please

[Guest guest]

Good morning,

It's been our experience that anxiety and separation anxiety just go with our little people. I don't know why. I don't know if anyone does. My guess would be that since it is so difficult for our guys to connect with others they really treasure the ones (usually us moms) that they do connect with. My son held on to my hair for the first few years of life. He's six and he still seeks my hair for comfort. Please don't feel like everything is your fault. My guess is that if you're on this site you're doing everything you can think of as a mom.

[Guest guest]

I only know what we went through with my DS from 5th through now (9th) She was allowed to call me and it became the thing to do by 9:30 every day and it evolved into, "I want to go home!" by the time I retired... Just don't get into that cycle! It is far better to say "I am happy to see you!" and "I had a good day, how about you?" etc...From: jannalynn6 <jannalynn6@...>To:

Sent: Wed, January 5, 2011 8:53:51 AMSubject: ( ) Meeting with school tomorrow - ideas needed please

not for a PPT, but just to work on a few ideas to help my 8 yr. old son with some "behavioural issues". A little background - we put in his IEP a plan of rewards for good behaviour - he has 3 rewards that he can choose from if he does his work, does not disrupt the class, etc. This has worked pretty well, but the school felt that he still needed something as punishment for misbehaviour. We agreed as you really can't have this child hitting people, screaming "NO" at his teacher, and acting out. Little things are ignored and redirection is used, but when it's out of hand, he goes to the principal's office, tells her what he did and then he has to call me at work to tell me the same. The school feels that if they tell him that they have to bother mom and interrupt her at work, that will work. And it DID work.....last year. He also gets weepy at school and says that he misses his mommy.

So - we seem to have some separation anxiety now and I believe that he is beginning to act out so that he CAN call me at work. I believe this "punishment" is no longer working. I believe this anxiety may be a direct result of something I have done - when I get home from work, I typically hug him and say "I missed you so much" - by extension, I believe I have caused him to feel that if I miss him, he therefore must miss me. SO - I am changing my greeting to "I'm so happy to see you" and not talk about missing him. I'm hoping that will help with the anxiety.

I'm meeting with his teacher and the social worker tomorrow to discuss a plan. I'm stumped and really have little to offer except the change in what I say - so that may help him with his separation anxiety, but it won't help with the rest of the behaviours during the day. Does anybody have any ideas to offer? Thanks in advance.

Janna

[Guest guest]

I am having similar issues with my son's school but it's not separation anxiety, it's avoidance. Whenever he would disrupt the class or get upset and cry they would take him to the office and call us. Once my husband or I spoke to him we could get him to calm down or comply. Next thing I know we were getting calls almost daily and sometimes more than once a day. We spoke to an advocate and were told that that instead of the school dealing with the behaviors they were making it OUR problem by having him call us all the time. Since most of my son's behaviors were avoidance driven, to avoid an axious situation, or difficult or non preferred task, by them having him call us every time they were reinforcing the negative behaviors. Since he was getting exactly what he wanted... he was getting out of an unwanted situation and getting to speak to mom or dad! This

is not a punishment, but a reward!

If I were you I would talk to the school and stop this. Have him only call you in extreme situations and then be very specific on the definition of "extreme". I know this is tough, it is for us. When your child is hurting or "needs" you, you want to be there for them. But you in effect could be reenforcing his behavior.

I hope this helps. I know it is difficult, but it sounds like the school is taking the easy way out. ne

From: jannalynn6 <jannalynn6@...>Subject: ( ) Meeting with school tomorrow - ideas needed please Date: Wednesday, January 5, 2011, 8:53 AM

not for a PPT, but just to work on a few ideas to help my 8 yr. old son with some "behavioural issues". A little background - we put in his IEP a plan of rewards for good behaviour - he has 3 rewards that he can choose from if he does his work, does not disrupt the class, etc. This has worked pretty well, but the school felt that he still needed something as punishment for misbehaviour. We agreed as you really can't have this child hitting people, screaming "NO" at his teacher, and acting out. Little things are ignored and redirection is used, but when it's out of hand, he goes to the principal's office, tells her what he did and then he has to call me at work to tell me the same. The school feels that if they tell him that they have to bother mom and interrupt her at work, that will work. And it DID work.....last year. He also gets weepy at school and says that he misses his mommy.So - we seem to have some separation anxiety now and I

believe that he is beginning to act out so that he CAN call me at work. I believe this "punishment" is no longer working. I believe this anxiety may be a direct result of something I have done - when I get home from work, I typically hug him and say "I missed you so much" - by extension, I believe I have caused him to feel that if I miss him, he therefore must miss me. SO - I am changing my greeting to "I'm so happy to see you" and not talk about missing him. I'm hoping that will help with the anxiety.I'm meeting with his teacher and the social worker tomorrow to discuss a plan. I'm stumped and really have little to offer except the change in what I say - so that may help him with his separation anxiety, but it won't help with the rest of the behaviours during the day. Does anybody have any ideas to offer? Thanks in advance.Janna

[Guest guest]

But be wary because sometimes when the school can't call you, they call the police instead.  This is because they still don't have the coping tools in place just because they have had the option of having you cope for them.

Kathy J.On Thu, Jan 6, 2011 at 8:43 PM, susanne hansen <s_hansen34@...> wrote:

 

I am having similar issues with my son's school but it's not separation anxiety, it's avoidance. Whenever he would disrupt the class or get upset and cry they would take him to the office and call us. Once my husband or I spoke to him we could get him to calm down or comply. Next thing I know we were getting calls almost daily and sometimes more than once a day. We spoke to an advocate and were told that that instead of the school dealing with the behaviors they were making it OUR problem by having him call us all the time. Since most of my son's behaviors were avoidance driven, to avoid an axious situation, or difficult or non preferred task, by them having him call us every time they were reinforcing the negative behaviors. Since he was getting exactly what he wanted... he was getting out of an unwanted situation and getting to speak to mom or dad! This

is not a punishment, but a reward!

If I were you I would talk to the school and stop this. Have him only call you in extreme situations and then be very specific on the definition of " extreme " .  I know this is tough, it is for us. When your child is hurting or " needs " you, you want to be there for them. But you in effect could be reenforcing his behavior.

I hope this helps. I know it is difficult, but it sounds like the school is taking the easy way out. ne

From: jannalynn6 <jannalynn6@...>Subject: ( ) Meeting with school tomorrow - ideas needed please

Date: Wednesday, January 5, 2011, 8:53 AM

 

not for a PPT, but just to work on a few ideas to help my 8 yr. old son with some " behavioural issues " . A little background - we put in his IEP a plan of rewards for good behaviour - he has 3 rewards that he can choose from if he does his work, does not disrupt the class, etc. This has worked pretty well, but the school felt that he still needed something as punishment for misbehaviour. We agreed as you really can't have this child hitting people, screaming " NO " at his teacher, and acting out. Little things are ignored and redirection is used, but when it's out of hand, he goes to the principal's office, tells her what he did and then he has to call me at work to tell me the same. The school feels that if they tell him that they have to bother mom and interrupt her at work, that will work. And it DID work.....last year. He also gets weepy at school and says that he misses his mommy.

So - we seem to have some separation anxiety now and I

believe that he is beginning to act out so that he CAN call me at work. I believe this " punishment " is no longer working. I believe this anxiety may be a direct result of something I have done - when I get home from work, I typically hug him and say " I missed you so much " - by extension, I believe I have caused him to feel that if I miss him, he therefore must miss me. SO - I am changing my greeting to " I'm so happy to see you " and not talk about missing him. I'm hoping that will help with the anxiety.

I'm meeting with his teacher and the social worker tomorrow to discuss a plan. I'm stumped and really have little to offer except the change in what I say - so that may help him with his separation anxiety, but it won't help with the rest of the behaviours during the day. Does anybody have any ideas to offer? Thanks in advance.

Janna

[Guest guest]

How about a note home (or email) to mommy about today's behavior instead of

calling you? Or a rule that if he acts out, then they will call you at XX time

each day (which would be later in the day) to tell you, while he's back in

class.

Or perhaps that he will sit in office but NOT be able to talk to you, the

teacher/other will do the talking and pass on any of your comments.... Though

with the latter, he might get upset, act out, beg to talk to you so that may not

work.

I know part of the punishment was that he had to tell you (who wants to be the

one telling their mom they've misbehaved!) but you seem to be on track with now

he just wants to be able to talk to you. So some way to notify you but " no more

calls to mom " . And maybe time in the office to calm down (whether from sep

anxiety or just outburst/behavior) before returning to class, which you will

hear how long he had to stay in the office, etc.

Quick thoughts, let us know how meeting goes!

>

> not for a PPT, but just to work on a few ideas to help my 8 yr. old son with

some " behavioural issues " . A little background - we put in his IEP a plan of

rewards for good behaviour - he has 3 rewards that he can choose from if he does

his work, does not disrupt the class, etc. This has worked pretty well, but the

school felt that he still needed something as punishment for misbehaviour. We

agreed as you really can't have this child hitting people, screaming " NO " at his