Re: How Do You Stay Calm????

[Guest guest]

Well,

Whether it is the AS or not, you still need coping mechanisms or parenting

techniques to either stop the behavior or bring it down a notch. I read Temple

Grandin's book " The Way I See it " and what she said about behavior made a lot of

sense to me as I try to wade through what is physical, what is psychological,

etc. Your probably doing just fine parenting, but what works with 99% of

children does not work for the 1%! I know you just posted so you could rant, so

if advice is not wanted, then take this with a grain of salt. If you really

could use some ideas, read on. Maybe something will help.

I find myself questoining my parenting techniques all the time, but when I think

about it, there are some things that, AS or not, they are still not acceptable

behaviors, so I need to keep looking for new ways to try and work it out. I have

5 kids and one on the way, but sometimes I have to stop everything I'm doing and

focus on the one child and figure out WHY she is freaking out. If I can solve

that and fix it, we can finish our grocery trip in relative peace AND she will

be more likely to communicate(rather than have a fit)in the future.

Specifically, whenever one of my kids argue with me, I just look at them like

they are speaking another language or give the I'm sorry I can't help you look

and say, " You're arguing " . After a few times of this statement, they usually

realize that they need to use another form of communication. I try to make

arguing counterproductive.

I know some kids are bothered by the lights in grocery stores and will have a

fit everytime, but if it was an isolated incident, then that's probably not the

case. I might have said in the situaton, " if you can behave then you can help me

pick which fruit we get and put the items in the cart for me " or asked some

silly question about which cereal would be the healthier choice and why (my 8yr

old is obsessed with nutrition facts). I try to use distraction of their own

thoughts as much as possible, by asking open ended questions. I find that if

they are busy(mentally and physically) they are less likely to act out.

I guess that's how I stay calm.

>

> My 8 year old has been so disrespectful and argumentative lately and I swear

I'm going to lose it!!! I have had numerous episodes over the past week where I

find myself yelling at him and even spanked him the other night. I feel so

guilty and horrible for handling things this way, but one can only take so much.

For example, he had to go to the grocery with me tonight. He made it know when

we left he did not want to go and I felt he continued this attitude through the

whole store. He was running around in circles with the cart, threw a big fit

when I took the cart away from him, and even through himself on the ground in

the produce section!!! At one point he was running all around and through

himself on the ground again right by a bunch of bath sponges. He proceeds to

knock some of the floor and go on and on about how I threw him in to the sponges

and it is all my fault they are on the floor. Mind you, I wasn't even arguing

with him at this point....this was just part of his obnoxious behavior. Then it

took him forever to pick up the 5 sponges, all the while sitting on the floor.

I get sooooooooooooo sick of people looking at me like I am the worst mother

ever, while my child yells about how mean I am and this is a store and I can't

do this or that to him!! What right does he have to talk to me that way? How

do you know when their behavior is AS related?

>

> I get so sick of him blaming everyone for everything!! If he hits a kid at

school, it is there fault for doing this or that. If he pulls a stick at school

(their form of getting in trouble), it was the teachers fault cause she didn't

understand. He has an excuse for absolutely everything and will argue until he

is blue in the face. I just can't stand it any more! Will I have to deal with

this forever???? Please tell me there is something I can do....it is times like

this that I find myself thinking his behavior is just my poor parenting, not the

AS. I am really struggling to accept his behaviors these days...............

>

> Thanks for listening to my rant!!!!!!!

>

[Guest guest]

,

First, It is not your poor parenting!!! I am in the same boat with you except I have a 9 year old daughter with AS. She is very similar to your son and I can't tell you the amount of times I have "lost it" and yelled at her. I feel like an awful parent when I do this. At times it is as if I have a big bulls eye on my body that says to her that I am her target for all things. I understand your anger and frustration. We love our kids so much and it is so frustrating to lose our cool with them. I know I feel guilty and like an awful mom when I do. I just want to encourage you to hang in there. There are plenty of us moms just like us that go through this daily. Some days are just better than others in our ability to deal with our kids. Give yourself a break and don't come down too hard on yourself. You are only human and can only take so much "targeting". I believe they do this to us because they feel closest to us.

I just want to encourage you that you are not alone even though you feel like you are the only mom whose kid does this. I know it's tough, but hang in there God has a wonderful plan for your son and he chose you to be his mom. What a special assignment! I know there are days that I question what I am doing but I just try to focus on all the unique and awesome qualities my daughter has that no one else has. There are also days that I feel "beat up" emotionally by her. Those are the days that I ask my husband to just watch the kids for an hour or so and I take a break away from the house. It really helps. I hope you have someone who can do this for you. Sometimes I am saddened for acoupel of days by all that I have to deal with but invariably hope returns! Reading this board has really helped me. I hope it will help you too.

Good luck and hang in there sister!

Patty

( ) How Do You Stay Calm????

My 8 year old has been so disrespectful and argumentative lately and I swear I'm going to lose it!!! I have had numerous episodes over the past week where I find myself yelling at him and even spanked him the other night. I feel so guilty and horrible for handling things this way, but one can only take so much. For example, he had to go to the grocery with me tonight. He made it know when we left he did not want to go and I felt he continued this attitude through the whole store. He was running around in circles with the cart, threw a big fit when I took the cart away from him, and even through himself on the ground in the produce section!!! At one point he was running all around and through himself on the ground again right by a bunch of bath sponges. He proceeds to knock some of the floor and go on and on about how I threw him in to the sponges and it is all my fault they are on the floor. Mind you, I wasn't even arguing with him at this point....this was just part of his obnoxious behavior. Then it took him forever to pick up the 5 sponges, all the while sitting on the floor. I get sooooooooooooo sick of people looking at me like I am the worst mother ever, while my child yells about how mean I am and this is a store and I can't do this or that to him!! What right does he have to talk to me that way? How do you know when their behavior is AS related? I get so sick of him blaming everyone for everything!! If he hits a kid at school, it is there fault for doing this or that. If he pulls a stick at school (their form of getting in trouble), it was the teachers fault cause she didn't understand. He has an excuse for absolutely everything and will argue until he is blue in the face. I just can't stand it any more! Will I have to deal with this forever???? Please tell me there is something I can do....it is times like this that I find myself thinking his behavior is just my poor parenting, not the AS. I am really struggling to accept his behaviors these days...............Thanks for listening to my rant!!!!!!!

[Guest guest]

,

I find a nice glass of wine helps... LOL

Seriously, My son is 9, and we have been where you are. The outbursts are

lessening, and I think it's in part because the way we present the situation, he

feels he has 'power'. For example, I'd tell him we have to go to the store, and

he has to go even though he doesn't want to.(And this has really happened on

more than one occasion) I'd say, " Here's the options: you can go, be helpful and

follow directions, and we'll get done quickly and be able to get home and back

to (whatever activity), OR if you chose NOT to be helpful and follow directions,

you will lose (activity or privilege - earning privileges is a big deal at our

house) for the rest of the day. " I always end with, " The choice is yours; you

can decide " .

It's helped for us. Just sharing.

>

> My 8 year old has been so disrespectful and argumentative lately and I swear

I'm going to lose it!!! I have had numerous episodes over the past week where I

find myself yelling at him and even spanked him the other night. I feel so

guilty and horrible for handling things this way, but one can only take so much.

For example, he had to go to the grocery with me tonight. He made it know when

we left he did not want to go and I felt he continued this attitude through the

whole store. He was running around in circles with the cart, threw a big fit

when I took the cart away from him, and even through himself on the ground in

the produce section!!! At one point he was running all around and through

himself on the ground again right by a bunch of bath sponges. He proceeds to

knock some of the floor and go on and on about how I threw him in to the sponges

and it is all my fault they are on the floor. Mind you, I wasn't even arguing

with him at this point....this was just part of his obnoxious behavior. Then it

took him forever to pick up the 5 sponges, all the while sitting on the floor.

I get sooooooooooooo sick of people looking at me like I am the worst mother

ever, while my child yells about how mean I am and this is a store and I can't

do this or that to him!! What right does he have to talk to me that way? How

do you know when their behavior is AS related?

>

> I get so sick of him blaming everyone for everything!! If he hits a kid at

school, it is there fault for doing this or that. If he pulls a stick at school

(their form of getting in trouble), it was the teachers fault cause she didn't

understand. He has an excuse for absolutely everything and will argue until he

is blue in the face. I just can't stand it any more! Will I have to deal with

this forever???? Please tell me there is something I can do....it is times like

this that I find myself thinking his behavior is just my poor parenting, not the

AS. I am really struggling to accept his behaviors these days...............

>

> Thanks for listening to my rant!!!!!!!

>

[Guest guest]

Get some good behavior modification/ABA therapy. Set up a behavior program and

get him invested in it. IMHO, there is a whole lot of contingency with these

kids...if x behavior occurs, then they get y reward or punishment. Ideally,

he's got a reward he is working for so he is motivated to behave in the store.

Then if he misbehaves he loses that, and perhaps you can escalate by taking away

other things that he cares about. With my son, I'd probably take him out of the

store temporarily for a time out so he can't put on a show. Since his area of

extreme interest is video games, he would lose that for the day, and longer if

he persisted.

I might have spanked my son as well, but we should try to keep that and yelling

to a minimum because when these kids get afraid, their ability to process goes

way down. Having a system of rewards and punishments helps with that as well

because you generally have a plan for when he does misbehave.

-

>

> My 8 year old has been so disrespectful and argumentative lately and I swear

I'm going to lose it!!! I have had numerous episodes over the past week where I

find myself yelling at him and even spanked him the other night. I feel so

guilty and horrible for handling things this way, but one can only take so much.

For example, he had to go to the grocery with me tonight. He made it know when

we left he did not want to go and I felt he continued this attitude through the

whole store. He was running around in circles with the cart, threw a big fit

when I took the cart away from him, and even through himself on the ground in

the produce section!!! At one point he was running all around and through

himself on the ground again right by a bunch of bath sponges. He proceeds to

knock some of the floor and go on and on about how I threw him in to the sponges

and it is all my fault they are on the floor. Mind you, I wasn't even arguing

with him at this point....this was just part of his obnoxious behavior. Then it

took him forever to pick up the 5 sponges, all the while sitting on the floor.

I get sooooooooooooo sick of people looking at me like I am the worst mother

ever, while my child yells about how mean I am and this is a store and I can't

do this or that to him!! What right does he have to talk to me that way? How

do you know when their behavior is AS related?

>

> I get so sick of him blaming everyone for everything!! If he hits a kid at

school, it is there fault for doing this or that. If he pulls a stick at school

(their form of getting in trouble), it was the teachers fault cause she didn't

understand. He has an excuse for absolutely everything and will argue until he

is blue in the face. I just can't stand it any more! Will I have to deal with

this forever???? Please tell me there is something I can do....it is times like

this that I find myself thinking his behavior is just my poor parenting, not the

AS. I am really struggling to accept his behaviors these days...............

>

> Thanks for listening to my rant!!!!!!!

>

[Guest guest]

Patty...thank you so much for the sweet response and encouragement...I really

needed that!!

I do often give him options and use the phrase, " it's your choice, you choose " ,

however, I was in a hurry last night and that seems to be when things are the

worst. He was tired, it was late, and he had just been to the store with his

Dad (we are divorced and I had just picked him up from his Dad's). Not the best

time to go to the store. I could of asked his Dad to keep him later, which is

what I should have done. I often think I could prevent some of these things but

instead try to make him go with the flow. I just need to learn to stop trying

so hard to make him conform. I suppose that is part of my guilt. I have always

had a hard time just accepting the way he is. I spend too much time and energy

trying to make him like the " other kids " . I think by taking him here or putting

him in this or that, he will suddenly get it or something. I am realizing more

and more each day that is not going to happen and he is who he is. How do you

finally just accept that? I have spent so many years in therapies and working

with him at home. I still remind him to look at me when he is talking (which I

have done since he was 3!!), remind him when he has changed the subject or is

obsessing over something, coach him while playing with other kids (I think the

kids might think I'm the crazy Mom, lol), and so on. I find myself embarrassed

often by the things he says or does around others and constantly correct him.

It has become such a habit and I feel that I spend all of my time correcting him

(wherever we go I'm sure people know his name from me saying it a million times

in an effort to keep him out of trouble). Are these things wrong? Should I

just accept how he is? I constantly worry I am handling things wrong and am

going to hurt his self esteem. I want the best for him and want to help him,

but can you go too far???? These are the things that go through my head after

I've yelled at him. I try to remind myself that God picked me to be his

mother....but sometimes I have to ask...what was he thinking, lol???

[Guest guest]

I agree with about getting Behavior Training (ie ABA).

You will feel more in control. Your son may still not

want to go to the store but you will say fine you don't

earn your computer/tv time for this afternoon. That is it no

spanking, lecturing, or yelling. No escalating either you

don't pile on punishments. You are extremely lucky if your

son is not hitting you back and if doesn't now you

don't want to condition him that you hit when you get mad.

I contacted Yale Parent and Child Conduct Clinic and they

have a 10 week program that can be taught over the phone

on Behavior Therapy. The cost is a sliding scale for us

it was $75 a week. I can't encourage you enough to get this

kind of training and you will see that life will be more

manageable. If it is not than you can evalaute if medication

needs to be added. But from the incident you described

I think your son would benefit from behavior therapy.

Best of luck,

Pam

>

> My 8 year old has been so disrespectful and argumentative lately and I swear

I'm going to lose it!!! I have had numerous episodes over the past week where I

find myself yelling at him and even spanked him the other night. I feel so

guilty and horrible for handling things this way, but one can only take so much.

For example, he had to go to the grocery with me tonight. He made it know when

we left he did not want to go and I felt he continued this attitude through the

whole store. He was running around in circles with the cart, threw a big fit

when I took the cart away from him, and even through himself on the ground in

the produce section!!! At one point he was running all around and through

himself on the ground again right by a bunch of bath sponges. He proceeds to

knock some of the floor and go on and on about how I threw him in to the sponges

and it is all my fault they are on the floor. Mind you, I wasn't even arguing

with him at this point....this was just part of his obnoxious behavior. Then it

took him forever to pick up the 5 sponges, all the while sitting on the floor.

I get sooooooooooooo sick of people looking at me like I am the worst mother

ever, while my child yells about how mean I am and this is a store and I can't

do this or that to him!! What right does he have to talk to me that way? How

do you know when their behavior is AS related?

>

> I get so sick of him blaming everyone for everything!! If he hits a kid at

school, it is there fault for doing this or that. If he pulls a stick at school

(their form of getting in trouble), it was the teachers fault cause she didn't

understand. He has an excuse for absolutely everything and will argue until he

is blue in the face. I just can't stand it any more! Will I have to deal with

this forever???? Please tell me there is something I can do....it is times like

this that I find myself thinking his behavior is just my poor parenting, not the

AS. I am really struggling to accept his behaviors these days...............

>

> Thanks for listening to my rant!!!!!!!

>

[Guest guest]

Here are some tips from Yale: If he argues walk away. Some

AS kids are so very gifted verbally they love to argue and

engage in this way. I called my daughter the little lawyer

she you to get the best of me by escalating and calling

me such disrespectful things. Yale instructed me to just

walk away. That is it. No lectures. The big change is that instead

of yelling or spanking you are going to only give assess

to rewards if and when your son is respectful and cooperates.

But you can't make it hard. You have to give out lots of small

increments (or points) and never take them away otherwise

it gets to be too hard to accomplish anything. So in the

morning if your son gets up and gets dressed and doesn't argue he

gets 15 minutes of video/computer etc earned. Maybe he never

argues in the am that is OK make it easy. Then after school

he gets 1 hour of something for going to school. On weekends

this hour is earned for going to a family activity or maybe

doing a chore with you. Then after dinner same thing no TV etc

until some homework or chore or shower is taken cooperately.

A behaviorist would help you work out the specific details.

Yale could help.

Pam

>

> My 8 year old has been so disrespectful and argumentative lately and I swear

I'm going to lose it!!! I have had numerous episodes over the past week where I

find myself yelling at him and even spanked him the other night. I feel so

guilty and horrible for handling things this way, but one can only take so much.

For example, he had to go to the grocery with me tonight. He made it know when

we left he did not want to go and I felt he continued this attitude through the

whole store. He was running around in circles with the cart, threw a big fit

when I took the cart away from him, and even through himself on the ground in

the produce section!!! At one point he was running all around and through

himself on the ground again right by a bunch of bath sponges. He proceeds to

knock some of the floor and go on and on about how I threw him in to the sponges

and it is all my fault they are on the floor. Mind you, I wasn't even arguing

with him at this point....this was just part of his obnoxious behavior. Then it

took him forever to pick up the 5 sponges, all the while sitting on the floor.

I get sooooooooooooo sick of people looking at me like I am the worst mother

ever, while my child yells about how mean I am and this is a store and I can't

do this or that to him!! What right does he have to talk to me that way? How

do you know when their behavior is AS related?

>

> I get so sick of him blaming everyone for everything!! If he hits a kid at

school, it is there fault for doing this or that. If he pulls a stick at school

(their form of getting in trouble), it was the teachers fault cause she didn't

understand. He has an excuse for absolutely everything and will argue until he

is blue in the face. I just can't stand it any more! Will I have to deal with

this forever???? Please tell me there is something I can do....it is times like

this that I find myself thinking his behavior is just my poor parenting, not the

AS. I am really struggling to accept his behaviors these days...............

>

> Thanks for listening to my rant!!!!!!!

>

[Guest guest]

I don't think there is an easy answer but with work and planning, you

can try to make these events go more smoothly. For the store, try to

fit " have to chores " between good things so you have more incentive for

him to behave. i.e. " We have to go to the grocery store. If you help

me find everything on the list and behave, we can be home in time to

watch that movie we rented! " Enlist his help. Make a list and have

him help you find things. Ask his opinion (which size ketchup do you

think we need?) and otherwise, get him involved (what do you call that

green vegetable?)

When my ds was little, he used to strip naked after a short time in a

store. Well, ok, a short time anywhere. lol. I used a positive

reward system where I gave him a fish (goldfish crackers) each five

minutes he kept his clothes on, pairing it with praise, " Great job for

keeping your shirt on! " I did not say, " IF you keep your clothes on

you will get a cracker " but rather, praised him after he had succeeded

and rewarded him after he did it. And we started out in 5 minute

intervals (he was 3 - 5 yo when we did it) I also distracted him

through the store with a lot of questions because he was in an ABA

program - so many times we discussed products, counted numbers, looked

for colors, added prices, etc. It was a whole lesson just walking

through the store and kept him busy. It took a few years to manage to

get him to keep his clothes on, the shoes were the last to stay on.

But we made baby steps as we went.

So maybe you can work it out to make short term goals with him and

celebrate the smaller victories. Try to plan things you know he

behaves badly during for times when you can go alone. If not, then

plan then when he's likely in a better mood and not going to be grouchy

and tired. Also, it helps to give him a schedule so he knows it's

coming. So if you know you have to grocery shop at the end of the day,

let him know at the beginning of the day that it's something on the

list to get done. Make sure he understands the rules before you start.

And as for his bad attitude of not wanting to go to the store, find out

why! And sometimes, I agree with my kids and say, " I don't want to

have to go either! I'm tired. But we need.... " and then enlist their

help in getting it done. It's more work to have to do all this but

eventually, things will start ironing out for you. Hang in there!

Roxanna

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

( ) How Do You Stay Calm????

My 8 year old has been so disrespectful and argumentative lately and I

swear I'm going to lose it!!! I have had numerous episodes over the

past week where I find myself yelling at him and even spanked him the

other night. I feel so guilty and horrible for handling things this

way, but one can only take so much. For example, he had to go to the

grocery with me tonight. He made it know when we left he did not want

to go and I felt he continued this attitude through the whole store.

He was running around in circles with the cart, threw a big fit when I

took the cart away from him, and even through himself on the ground in

the produce section!!! At one point he was running all around and

through himself on the ground again right by a bunch of bath sponges.

He proceeds to knock some of the floor and go on and on about how I

threw him in to the sponges and it is all my fault they are on the

floor. Mind you, I wasn't even arguing with him at this point....this

was j ust part of his obnoxious behavior. Then it took him forever to

pick up the 5 sponges, all the while sitting on the floor. I get

sooooooooooooo sick of people looking at me like I am the worst mother

ever, while my child yells about how mean I am and this is a store and

I can't do this or that to him!! What right does he have to talk to me

that way? How do you know when their behavior is AS related?

I get so sick of him blaming everyone for everything!! If he hits a

kid at school, it is there fault for doing this or that. If he pulls a

stick at school (their form of getting in trouble), it was the teachers

fault cause she didn't understand. He has an excuse for absolutely

everything and will argue until he is blue in the face. I just can't

stand it any more! Will I have to deal with this forever???? Please

tell me there is something I can do....it is times like this that I

find myself thinking his behavior is just my poor parenting, not the

AS. I am really struggling to accept his behaviors these

days...............

Thanks for listening to my rant!!!!!!!