Re: Child Behavior - manipulation, lying and fire

[Guest guest]

>

> Can anyone help me? My 11 y.o. son is very focused on fire. He even says he

doesn't know why. He is also quite convincing when he is focused on getting his

way. He has lied to several neighbors recently in an effort to obtain matches

from them. today, I gave him an opportunity to purchase something in the store

while I watched from a distance. When we got in the car, I asked for the change.

It didnt' add up. Then he said he had to go to the bathroom. I got suspicious

and made him empty his pockets. He had purchased a lighter at the counter!

>

> I dont' know why people would give a child matches or a lighter! It is beyond

me, but he says he is a boyscout and they believe him or that his dad needs to

light the grill, etc.

>

> 1) What should I do about this? Consequences ar ineffective. It is like an

obsession.

I can see your concern. After all, he is young and might cause a disaster

unintentionally. I remember when I showed my younger brother how to use old

insulation sticks to light fires anywhere. It kept smoldering so I could blow on

it near a handful of dry weeds or hay to light the fire. I was the one

infatuated by fire. Well he burned the haystack down and the barn it was in

because his small pile of hay was too close to the stack.

Ask yourself if the problem is wanting to see fire, or not knowing how to use it

safely. Talk with him as if it's not fire that is bad but how it can get out of

control.

> 2) Should I email our neighbors on the neighborhood link and warn them about

my son? Won't that only make him feared and us ostrasized? The general public

doesn't understand aspergers.

The honest thing to do is just let the neighbors know you worry about your son

playing with fire, and that you have a rule that he not have his own matches or

lighter. Of course you can't control what neighbors do, but they can make an

informed decision when he approaches them.

> 3) How do I handle the fire issue and the lying? Are they separate issues?

> Thanks,

> Miriam

>

I like that thought... that maybe lying and wanting fire are two separate issues

The way we all learn is experience. You can see that eventually he will get

his own way to start fire (and maybe already has). The question to ask yourself

is, at that point would you rather him have experience and lessons on lighting

fires safely, or to have been kept away from it as long as possible and not know

what he is getting into when he lights it?

[Guest guest]

How did he manage to buy a lighter? Is it just my state that requires people be over a certain age to buy certain things? Here, kids can't buy things like lighters or spray paint.

If he is taking medication, it might be a good time to visit the med doc to go over whether his meds are working or are designed for OCD type problems. It is really important to go over fire safety with him, which I imagine you already know and do. I had a friend online for several years and her ds started a fire in a neighbors garage. The state took custody of him from that and he was in all sorts of trouble because of it. So it's really important to keep tabs on him. Tell the neighbors NOT to give him matches. You also might consider making small bonfires in the backyard to roast marshmallows once in a while. I don't know if that would help cool his jets or if it would just get him more obsessed. But we've done that and the boys all enjoy it plus they learn how to make a safe fire and how to manage it and to do it all under supervision.

Roxanna

"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." E. Burke

( ) Child Behavior - manipulation, lying and fire

Can anyone help me? My 11 y.o. son is very focused on fire. He even says he doesn't know why. He is also quite convincing when he is focused on getting his way. He has lied to several neighbors recently in an effort to obtain matches from them. today, I gave him an opportunity to purchase something in the store while I watched from a distance. When we got in the car, I asked for the change. It didnt' add up. Then he said he had to go to the bathroom. I got suspicious and made him empty his pockets. He had purchased a lighter at the counter!

I dont' know why people would give a child matches or a lighter! It is beyond me, but he says he is a boyscout and they believe him or that his dad needs to light the grill, etc.

1) What should I do about this? Consequences ar ineffective. It is like an obsession.

2) Should I email our neighbors on the neighborhood link and warn them about my son? Won't that only make him feared and us ostrasized? The general public doesn't understand aspergers.

3) How do I handle the fire issue and the lying? Are they separate issues?

Thanks,

Miriam

[Guest guest]

How have things been going?

I would treat the fire and lying separately.

And since he has AS I would still get a behavior modification

program in place right away. As Roxanna said get him some safe exposure to fire.

You could reward him for doing other

safe activities, perhaps with a small sterno campstove to cook on with you

(about $12.00) or camp fire. But if you live in a city

and this is no practical I would just find other things

for him to do.

My daughter has a different issue with water and letting sinks

overflow (not knowing she has done this). She is 11. She really

can't be left unsupervised. It is better I notice if we go out for the day for a

bike ride or the park rather than sit at home.

Unstructured time is when she cooks up these ideas.

Well every child needs time unstructured but it needs to

be in small doses for these kids and something agreed

upon (TV, computer, toys).

Lying is complex I can't give you a simple answer.

You reward truth telling with praise. But the reason

for a ly is complex and more so for AS I would

guess since they so often want to be fair. I would keep

him supervised so that you know what is going on and don't

have to rely on his side of the story. He should

only earn more unstructured and unsupervised time when he

has consent good behavior. But I don't really know enough

about when he is lying.

good luck

Pam

>

> Can anyone help me? My 11 y.o. son is very focused on fire. He even says he

doesn't know why. He is also quite convincing when he is focused on getting his

way. He has lied to several neighbors recently in an effort to obtain matches

from them. today, I gave him an opportunity to purchase something in the store

while I watched from a distance. When we got in the car, I asked for the change.

It didnt' add up. Then he said he had to go to the bathroom. I got suspicious

and made him empty his pockets. He had purchased a lighter at the counter!

>

> I dont' know why people would give a child matches or a lighter! It is beyond

me, but he says he is a boyscout and they believe him or that his dad needs to

light the grill, etc.

>

> 1) What should I do about this? Consequences ar ineffective. It is like an

obsession.

> 2) Should I email our neighbors on the neighborhood link and warn them about

my son? Won't that only make him feared and us ostrasized? The general public

doesn't understand aspergers.

> 3) How do I handle the fire issue and the lying? Are they separate issues?

> Thanks,

> Miriam

>