Re: Any suggestions for helpful materials for AS daughter?

[Guest guest]

I am so sorry yor child is struggling. It is so hard with these

kids isn't it. I spent a fortune advocating to get my

daughter into a special education school setting.

Everything is just the way we wanted it for her, yet she

still complains she doesn't like school. She wants to just

focus on her special interest and she is not interested in

socializing unless it is about her interests. We have to get

school settings right for them. But my point is with some kids

they still would rather be withdrawn.

I would suggest that you do all you can to get the school

to surround her with a small circle of friends that will

be accepting in all settings.

Continue with social skill development as you are with the Winner books and

tapes.

You can practice scenarios with her where she is ridgid and problem

solve alternates. My daughter is nearly 12 and can manage this

exercise. I don't think she could when she was younger.

I have to reward my daughter with tokens to do this however.

And last create time with her 1:1 taking an interst in her interests and also

broading her interests a small step at a time.

Such as plays board games, go to the YMCA for family activites, play sport games

at a level she can manage. Have fun with her.

This was so hard to do with my daughter until her obessive compulsive

traits were under control with medication. It is still a struggle

but I noticed what we do 1:1 is what she will do with kids that

do come over.

Good luck,

Pam

>

> Hi! First, thank you to everyone who posts here. It helps!

> I have an 8-year-old daughter in third grade who is getting depressed about

her situations regarding friendships, school work, mean kids, her teacher, etc.

She has an IEP. Last year went better than this year...she cries so much this

year and now is feeling like hurting these kids back, which would only make

things worse.

> I read that someone with an AS child recommended " You Are a Social Detective "

by Winner, and " Mapping Social Behaviors " , for use by others

with AS children. Has anyone tried these books? Do you have anything you have

used that you would recommend? There are so many books out there...I have no

idea which ones would be most helpful in

teaching/counseling/reinforcing/empowering/and helping her feel better about

herself and her situations.

> Thank you for your suggestions! Take care! --Kari

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Kari,

first may i say i am sooo sorry you are going through this.

i am going through the " exact same thing " . my daughter is also in 3rd grade.

see my post here

/message/138110?var=1 & l=1

there were so many kind people that responded with helpful information.

hopefully some may help you.

our school " wont do a group for children with asperger " because there are too

many parents that dont want other people knowing.

we were told " it is easy for the parent of a " boy " with asperger to just write

it off as a " boy being a boy " . but becuase asperger (i was told) is rare in

girls, its worse on them socially.

you can always e-mail me direct if you need to vent.

my wife and i " deffinitely " know what you are going through.

Rob.

>

> Hi! First, thank you to everyone who posts here. It helps!

> I have an 8-year-old daughter in third grade who is getting depressed about

her situations regarding friendships, school work, mean kids, her teacher, etc.

She has an IEP. Last year went better than this year...she cries so much this

year and now is feeling like hurting these kids back, which would only make

things worse.

> I read that someone with an AS child recommended " You Are a Social Detective "

by Winner, and " Mapping Social Behaviors " , for use by others

with AS children. Has anyone tried these books? Do you have anything you have

used that you would recommend? There are so many books out there...I have no

idea which ones would be most helpful in

teaching/counseling/reinforcing/empowering/and helping her feel better about

herself and her situations.

> Thank you for your suggestions! Take care! --Kari

>

[Guest guest]

Your suggestions are good ones. Whenever our dd tells me, or I see/hear myself,

about a situation that is hurting her or she had difficulty trying to handle

herself, I try to talk to her about other ways it could handled if/when it

happens again. Sometimes we discuss things that could be said in response to

insults, etc., but often dd forgets the 'response phrase' at the moment it's

needed or there's many times that the solutions from me or school counselor

don't work. Our older daughters thought of a couple good responses, but again,

dd has to be able to remember them in the 'panic' of the moment.

I need to expose her to more 'fun' things for her to do to open up her world and

share with others, although so many cost money and we don't have that now.

Despite the school counselor and I working on it with her for quite awhile now,

dd also does not seem to be able to handle competition/losing/not being as good

as someone else, which greatly limits activities. She tries, but her self-esteem

is so low already, she fears what others think, and I think she just is trying

to protect herself from feeling worse if anyone 'knows' she can't do whatever

activity it is like she 'should' be able to. We've talked about this so often--I

assure her and remind her how great she is at different things/that some things

just take more practice and everyone has things they need more practice with,

and she has improved on many things she thought she couldn't do before. Well, I

will not give up. I know there has to be more that she can try and succeed in

and feel good about. I just hope those kids at school don't criticize her future

skills, too. It really hurts her. Sorry...I'm rambling again. Thanks for being

patient with my whining and worries! -Kari

> >

> > Hi! First, thank you to everyone who posts here. It helps!

> > I have an 8-year-old daughter in third grade who is getting depressed about

her situations regarding friendships, school work, mean kids, her teacher, etc.

She has an IEP. Last year went better than this year...she cries so much this

year and now is feeling like hurting these kids back, which would only make

things worse.

> > I read that someone with an AS child recommended " You Are a Social

Detective " by Winner, and " Mapping Social Behaviors " , for use by

others with AS children. Has anyone tried these books? Do you have anything you

have used that you would recommend? There are so many books out there...I have

no idea which ones would be most helpful in

teaching/counseling/reinforcing/empowering/and helping her feel better about

herself and her situations.

> > Thank you for your suggestions! Take care! --Kari

> >

>

[Guest guest]

It's nice to know that there are other parents with AS daughters in this group,

too. There are similarities with both boys and girls, of course, so it's helpful

here regardless; but some things are different, too. I wish there were third

grade AS girls in our areas for our dds to have play dates with. I don't know,

maybe it would be good for them, but maybe it would be just as difficult

socially and all anyway. Thank you for your kind offer for emailing directly.

Please feel free to do the same. My husband is having difficulties with all of

this-'pretend it's not there, so it's not' kind of thing. Her grandma doesn't

want any family/friends to know because she figures they'll 'talk'--it makes me

feel she's ashamed, even though she loves her too. That hurts. Now a specialist

mentioned that perhaps my dh might have AS, too. I don't know...it could explain

many things though. Well, anyway...thank you! I'm here for you and your wife if

you want to vent, too! Take care. --Kari

> >

> > Hi! First, thank you to everyone who posts here. It helps!

> > I have an 8-year-old daughter in third grade who is getting depressed about

her situations regarding friendships, school work, mean kids, her teacher, etc.

She has an IEP. Last year went better than this year...she cries so much this

year and now is feeling like hurting these kids back, which would only make

things worse.

> > I read that someone with an AS child recommended " You Are a Social

Detective " by Winner, and " Mapping Social Behaviors " , for use by

others with AS children. Has anyone tried these books? Do you have anything you

have used that you would recommend? There are so many books out there...I have

no idea which ones would be most helpful in

teaching/counseling/reinforcing/empowering/and helping her feel better about

herself and her situations.

> > Thank you for your suggestions! Take care! --Kari

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Kari,

i kind of know what your husband is feeling also.

at first i just thought that my daughter was one that walked to the beat of her

own drum and just didnt care about doing what others do.

so when we were told by her school that she may be on the " autism spectrum " i

was in complete denial.

after all, the only thing i had to compare to autism was " rainman " (for the lack

of a better example).

i had to come to the reality that there was something different about my

daughter.

after i was able to accept the diagnosis, i was able to cope much easier. just

knowing and accepting helped me learn something i nere had. " patience " .

now i know i am my daughters " rock " , when she is ready for a meltdown, she looks

for me. that had made her more special than anything to me.

we also had the issues with the family thinking she would grow out of it.

nobody seemed to understand.

we had a very special thing that was given to us by the autsim group that we

belong to here.

it was a letter to send to my relatives about why my daughter did what she did

when we were at functions.

there was one that was made especially for Christmas.

it was written as if my daughter was writing it to the family. and when my

family read it, they finally understood that my daughter was " not going through

a phaze " . or would just grow out of it.

we e-mailed it to all of our family that would be present at Christmas and would

once again have to endure that my daughter wouldnt come to the top of the stairs

after she walked in or wouldnt sit down to eat because there were too many

people there.

this is a copy and paste of it.

Dear Family,

I understand that we will be visiting each other for the holidays this year!

Sometimes these visits can be very hard for me, but here is some information

that might help our visit to be more successful.

As you probably know, I am challenged by a hidden disability called autism or

what some people refer to as a pervasive developmental disorder (PDD).

Autism/PDD is a neurodevelopmental disorder which makes it hard for me to

understand the environment around me. I have barriers in my brain that you can't

see but which make it difficult for me to adapt to my surroundings.

Sometimes I may seem rude and abrupt, but it is only because I have to try so

hard to understand people and at the same time, make myself understood. people

with autism have different abilities: some may not speak, some write beautiful

poetry, others are whizzes in math (Albert Einstein was thought to be autistic),

or have difficulty making friends. we are all different and need various degrees

of s upport.

Sometimes when I am touched unexpectedly, it might feel painful and make me want

to run away. I get easily frustrated, too. Being with lots of other people is

like standing next to a moving freight train and trying to decide how and when

to jump aboard. I feel frightened and confused a lot of the time, like you would

if you landed on an alien planet and didn't understand how the inhabitants

communicated.

This is why I need to have things the same as much as possible. Once I learn how

things happen, I can get by ok. But if something, anything changes, then I have

to relearn the situation all over again! It is very hard.

When you try to talk to me, I often can't understand what you say because there

is a lot of distraction around. I have to concentrate very hard to hear and

understand one thing at a time.

You might think I am ignoring you--I am not. Rather, I am hearing everything and

not knowing what is most important to respond to. Holidays are e xceptionally

hard because there are so many different people, places and things going on that

are out of my ordinary realm. This may be fun and adventurous for most people,

but for me, it's very hard work and can be extremely stressful.

I often have to get away from all the commotion to calm down. It would be great

if you had a private place set up to where I could retreat.

If I can not sit at the meal table, do not think I am misbehaved or that my

parents have no control over me. Sitting in one place for even 5 minutes is

often impossible for me. I feel so antsy and overwhelmed by all the smells,

sounds, and people--I just have to get up and move about.

Please Don't hold up your meal for me--go on without me and my parent's will

handle the situation the best way they know.

Eating in general is hard for me. If you understand that autism is a sensory

processing disorder, it's no wonder eating is a problem! Think of all the senses

involved with eating: s ig ht, smell, taste, touch AND all the complicated

mechanics that are involved with chewing and swallowing that a lot of people

with autism have trouble with. I am not being picky--I literally cannot eat

certain foods as my sensory system and/or oral motor coordination are impaired.

Don't be disappointed If mommy hasn't dressed me in starch and bows. it's

because she knows how much stiff and frilly clothes can drive me buggy! I have

to feel comfortable in my clothes or I will just be miserable!

Temple Grandin, a very smart adult with autism, has taught people that when she

had to wear stiff petticoats as a child, she felt like her skin was being rubbed

with sandpaper. I often feel the same way in dressy clothes.

When I go to someone else's house, I may appear bossy and controlling. In a

sense, I am being controlling because that is how I try to fit into the world

around me (which is so hard to figure out!)

Things have to be done in a way I am familiar w ith or else I might get confused

and frustrated. It doesn't mean you have to change the way you are doing

things--just please be patient with me and understanding of how I have to

cope...mom and dad have no control over how my autism makes me feel inside.

People with autism often have little things that they do to help themselves feel

more comfortable. The grown ups call it " Self regulation, " or " stimming'. I

might rock, hum, flick my fingers in my face, flap my arms or any number of

different things. I am not trying to be disruptive or weird. Again, I am doing

what I have to do for my brain to adapt to your world.

Sometimes I cannot stop myself from talking, singing, or partaking in an

activity. The grown ups call this " perseverating " which is kinda like self

regulation or stimming. I do this only because I have found something to occupy

myself that makes me feel comfortable, and I don't want to come out of that

comfortable place and join your hard-to-figure-out-worl d.< BR>

Perseverative behaviors are good to a certain degree because they help me calm

down. Please be respectful to my mom and dad if they let me " stim " for awhile as

they know me best and what helps to calm me.

Remember that my mom and dad have to watch me much more closely than the average

child. This is for my own safety, preservation of your possessions, and to

facilitate my integration with you tippies (what we autistics fondly call you

neurotypical folk!)

It hurts My parents' feelings to be criticized for being over protective or

condemned for not watching me close enough. They are human and have been given

an assignment intended for saints. My parents are good people and need your

support.

Holidays are filled with sights, Sounds, and smells. The average household is

turned into a busy, frantic, festive place. Remember that this may be fun for

you tippies but it's very hard work for me to conform. If I fall apart or act

out in a way that you co nsider soc ially inappropriate, please remember that I

don't possess the neurological system that is required to follow tippy rules.

I am a unique person--an interesting person. I will find my place at this

celebration that is comfortable for us all as long as you'll try to view the

world through my eyes!

i hope this helps.

Rob

> > >

> > > Hi! First, thank you to everyone who posts here. It helps!

> > > I have an 8-year-old daughter in third grade who is getting depressed

about her situations regarding friendships, school work, mean kids, her teacher,

etc. She has an IEP. Last year went better than this year...she cries so much

this year and now is feeling like hurting these kids back, which would only make

things worse.

> > > I read that someone with an AS child recommended " You Are a Social

Detective " by Winner, and " Mapping Social Behaviors " , for use by

others with AS children. Has anyone tried these books? Do you have anything you

have used that you would recommend? There are so many books out there...I have

no idea which ones would be most helpful in

teaching/counseling/reinforcing/empowering/and helping her feel better about

herself and her situations.

> > > Thank you for your suggestions! Take care! --Kari

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you for the letter for family/friends at Christmas. I can adapt it a bit

to fit our dd's situation and I'm thinking that some of it could be used to help

explain some extra things to her teacher this year too. I still feel so

overwhelmed by everything. I'm trying to take care of everything, but I'm afraid

for her and worried that I/we will miss something and it will cause more

problems for her in the future. I guess I'm 'borrowing trouble' and need focus

on the present. I try to stay positive. There's a lot of ups and downs with

this, though, and it can be hard...especially when she is hurting--something

everyone in this group has probably felt. Sorry--I'm feeling a little down

tonight. There are good times and our dd is so wonderful! I have good info,

ideas and support from this group; pretty good school supports in place, and

all; so I can't really complain too much. I just don't want her to be hurting

when it's something that she can't help and we're limited in how much we are

able to help her with all this, as well.

> > > >

> > > > Hi! First, thank you to everyone who posts here. It helps!

> > > > I have an 8-year-old daughter in third grade who is getting depressed

about her situations regarding friendships, school work, mean kids, her teacher,

etc. She has an IEP. Last year went better than this year...she cries so much

this year and now is feeling like hurting these kids back, which would only make

things worse.

> > > > I read that someone with an AS child recommended " You Are a Social

Detective " by Winner, and " Mapping Social Behaviors " , for use by

others with AS children. Has anyone tried these books? Do you have anything you

have used that you would recommend? There are so many books out there...I have

no idea which ones would be most helpful in

teaching/counseling/reinforcing/empowering/and helping her feel better about

herself and her situations.

> > > > Thank you for your suggestions! Take care! --Kari

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I don't know those particular books but I wanted to say that everything

I have read from Michele Winner has been pretty good stuff. She has

come to this area to speak several times and I highly recommend

attending a conference to hear her when possible. She has great ideas!

Roxanna

" The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do

nothing. " E. Burke

( ) Any suggestions for helpful materials for

AS daughter?

Hi! First, thank you to everyone who posts here. It helps!

I have an 8-year-old daughter in third grade who is getting depressed

about her situations regarding friendships, school work, mean kids, her

teacher, etc. She has an IEP. Last year went better than this

year...she cries so much this year and now is feeling like hurting

these kids back, which would only make things worse.

I read that someone with an AS child recommended " You Are a Social

Detective " by Winner, and " Mapping Social Behaviors " ,

for use by others with AS children. Has anyone tried these books? Do

you have anything you have used that you would recommend? There are so

many books out there...I have no idea which ones would be most helpful

in teaching/counseling/reinforcing/empowering/and helping her feel

better about herself and her situations.

Thank you for your suggestions! Take care! --Kari

[Guest guest]

My son's social skills therapist uses the social detective material with him.

He gets it in group time, but he's not carrying it over into the " real world " of

the playground and classroom. He is starting to have lots of complaints about

kids hurting his feelings and picking on him. He is 8 also, and in 2nd grade.

His teacher just doesn't get that he has social deficits. He's doing fine

academically and that's mostly what she is focused on.

>

> Hi! First, thank you to everyone who posts here. It helps!

> I have an 8-year-old daughter in third grade who is getting depressed about

her situations regarding friendships, school work, mean kids, her teacher, etc.

She has an IEP. Last year went better than this year...she cries so much this

year and now is feeling like hurting these kids back, which would only make

things worse.

> I read that someone with an AS child recommended " You Are a Social Detective "

by Winner, and " Mapping Social Behaviors " , for use by others

with AS children. Has anyone tried these books? Do you have anything you have

used that you would recommend? There are so many books out there...I have no

idea which ones would be most helpful in

teaching/counseling/reinforcing/empowering/and helping her feel better about

herself and her situations.

> Thank you for your suggestions! Take care! --Kari

>

[Guest guest]

That sounds familiar--I've heard the reasoning that if something doesn't affect

her academically, the school won't do anything about it. The truth is that if

someone is having difficulty in any area of their life, it is bound to be

overlapping into the other areas of their life too...including academically.

Best wishes!

> >

> > Hi! First, thank you to everyone who posts here. It helps!

> > I have an 8-year-old daughter in third grade who is getting depressed about

her situations regarding friendships, school work, mean kids, her teacher, etc.

She has an IEP. Last year went better than this year...she cries so much this

year and now is feeling like hurting these kids back, which would only make

things worse.

> > I read that someone with an AS child recommended " You Are a Social

Detective " by Winner, and " Mapping Social Behaviors " , for use by

others with AS children. Has anyone tried these books? Do you have anything you

have used that you would recommend? There are so many books out there...I have

no idea which ones would be most helpful in

teaching/counseling/reinforcing/empowering/and helping her feel better about

herself and her situations.

> > Thank you for your suggestions! Take care! --Kari

> >

>