Re: Seriously testing my ability as a parent

May 18, 2010

My daughter never lied, until she hit 8 and now she lies all the time. I think its developed out of fear of getting in trouble or embarrassment that she made a mistake...again (in her mind) We just calmly tell her we know the truth already we just need her to tell us. And your only in trouble because now your lying. Its been working slowly B On May 18, 2010, at 6:37 AM, Roxanna wrote:

Lying is usually the opposite problem for someone with AS/HFA. They

tell the truth and don't get the art of lying. This is due to a

problem with what they call, "theory of mind" - or the ability to know

what the other person is thinking or already knows. Learning to lie is

actually an achievement for many of these kids. My 13 yo ds, (hfa)

actually will apologize for telling the truth by saying, "I'm sorry if

that's not what you wanted to hear..." My 21 yo (hfa) will tell the

truth and for him, it's because he doesn't think about how the truth

will affect you - it is what it is. The idea of a "white lie" is lost

on him because he doesn't care. lol. If I say, "that wasn't nice!" to

him, he will just shrug.

One thing you might try with the lying is to stop asking him "if" he

did what you know he did. Just go straight to the point. Like, "I saw

that you hit your sister. Time out for 5 minutes." Instead of, "Did

you just hit your sister?" and then you get into an argument over it

and by the end, you are so angry that he just won't admit it. Each

time, he keeps practicing the lying and it is reinforcing something for

him or he wouldn't keep doing it. So skip over that and practice the

result of what he did instead.

Roxanna

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

Re: ( ) Seriously testing my ability as a parent

You are not a horrible parent. You are trying your best. It may not get

better but the zoloft will help you cope with these things.

I hope they do get better , you are doing the right thing.

Kel

Sent from my iPhone

On 18/05/2010, at 4:52 AM, "mfilas76" <mfilas76 (DOT) com> wrote:

I just started back on Zoloft about 10 days ago, so I know that it's

going to kick in here soon. There are alot of other "stressors" in our

life right now, and I know that it will get better. The ups and downs

of parenting, right? It makes me seriously question my abilities (re:

subject lol). He has become so agressive... .and just mean. Yesterday,

he was yelling out the door that his older brother was fat. He bought a

flashlight at a garage sale on Saturday, and it has a radio and an

emergency siren on it that is really loud. I try and let him have stuff

like that, because it's his passion - anything mechanical. He kept

making the thing beep....over and over and over. I asked him to stop,

tried explaining that it was for emergencies. Explained the "never cry

wolf" thing....that didn't work. Then, took the approach that the

neighbors probably didn't want to hear it all day, and he responded

yelling "I have only been playing with it for 3 hours, I'm not talking

to you! Get out of my room!"! I then said that if I heard it again, it

would be taken away permanently. He freaked out, and slammed the

door....

I am sorry to vent - It's just hard to get anyone else to understand.

And then people look at you like you are suck a horrible parent.

>

> > And my sanity....

> >

> > Do you find, or have you found that when your children are going

through growth spurts they completely test your sanity...ability as

parents, as people? I am obviously venting right now...but, I am

exhausted. He is so unhappy right now...and loud, oh my. He has been so

angry, the angry outbursts are killing me. He will yell and

scream....and never wants to talk about anything. Makes life hell with

taking meds, eating, getting his way, behaviour socially...is pushing

me to my limits. He has been very manipulative in public, because he

knows when and where I will discipline, and when and where I can't. He

won't sleep at night. The motormouth is constant right now....

> >

> > I am going to lose my mind!!!! Sorry - please, somebody tell me I'm

not crazy, and how long it's going to last...because he can't get in to

see his doctor until next week.

> >

>

“Here's to the crazy ones, the misfits, the rebels, the troublemakers,

the round pegs in the square holes... the ones who see things

differently -- they're not fond of rules... You can quote them,

disagree with them, glorify or vilify them, but the only thing you

can't do is ignore them because they change things... they push the

human race forward, and while some may see them as the crazy ones, we

see genius, because the ones who are crazy enough to think that they

can change the world, are the ones who do.” - Steve Jobs

“Here's to the crazy ones, the misfits, the rebels, the troublemakers, the round pegs in the square holes... the ones who see things differently -- they're not fond of rules... You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them, but the only thing you can't do is ignore them because they change things... they push the human race forward, and while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius, because the ones who are crazy enough to think that they can change the world, are the ones who do.” - Steve Jobs

May 18, 2010

Thank you Roxana -

Yes, it's his Ped (who specializes in ASD). We give him his night time meds (or

attempt) at 8PM every night. It's the same for him every night. I do need to

get better about the night time routine, but my schedule at work has been

crazy...I have been working long hours, but I am still home in plenty of time to

spend time with him, and get the bed time routine done.

I'll let you know how the appointment goes next week...

>

> I hope the doctor you are going to see is a med doctor who can help you

> sort out the behaviors. I mean, as long as he is giving you such a

> hard time about taking meds, you might as well make sure those meds are

> worth the trouble and addressing his needs. Ask for meds to help with

> sleep problems (clonidine? melatonin?) discuss if he might have

> depression, which can come out as screaming and anger. I would start

> there.

>

> I would also work on scheduling to make things more organized so he

> knows what is expected, when. You may already do that. But have

> dinner at predictable times, bath time at the same time, have a bedtime

> routine, etc. I also would not give in in public places. Take a

> stand. Just once or twice and the problem will diminish or go away.

> So why be held hostage? A little public embarrassment won't kill you

> to get rid of that problem. And you can deal with him in public - so

> don't say you can't. If nothing else, you can restrict where you go so

> he can't pull whatever he's doing. Only go places where you can keep

> control over the situation or discipline if necessary. The more

> control you take over the situation, the less you will feel like you

> are going crazy.

>

> Roxanna

> Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

>

> ( ) Seriously testing my ability as a parent

>

> And my sanity....

>

> Do you find, or have you found that when your children are going

> through growth spurts they completely test your sanity...ability as

> parents, as people? I am obviously venting right now...but, I am

> exhausted. He is so unhappy right now...and loud, oh my. He has been

> so angry, the angry outbursts are killing me. He will yell and

> scream....and never wants to talk about anything. Makes life hell with

> taking meds, eating, getting his way, behaviour socially...is pushing

> me to my limits. He has been very manipulative in public, because he

> knows when and where I will discipline, and when and where I can't. He

> won't sleep at night. The motormouth is constant right now....

>

> I am going to lose my mind!!!! Sorry - please, somebody tell me I'm

> not crazy, and how long it's going to last...because he can't get in to

> see his doctor until next week.

>

May 18, 2010

Not that I’m trying to downplay anything, because I HEAR YOU, loud and clear, trust me – living it myself. But a reminder to everyone that this time of year, basically from now until the end of the school year, for those in school… and even for those who aren’t – because schedules always change in the summer!!!... is a HUGE transitional time for them. Keep that in mind as we all navigate through the next while, and remember to take some time for YOU. Not MOM/DAD you, not husband/wife you, just YOU, the person… YOU! Big (((HUGS))), you aren’t crazy, it IS exhausting, and we ALL know how you feel =) From: [mailto: ] On Behalf Of mfilas76Sent: Monday, May 17, 2010 1:18 PM Subject: ( ) Seriously testing my ability as a parent And my sanity....Do you find, or have you found that when your children are going through growth spurts they completely test your sanity...ability as parents, as people? I am obviously venting right now...but, I am exhausted. He is so unhappy right now...and loud, oh my. He has been so angry, the angry outbursts are killing me. He will yell and scream....and never wants to talk about anything. Makes life hell with taking meds, eating, getting his way, behaviour socially...is pushing me to my limits. He has been very manipulative in public, because he knows when and where I will discipline, and when and where I can't. He won't sleep at night. The motormouth is constant right now....I am going to lose my mind!!!! Sorry - please, somebody tell me I'm not crazy, and how long it's going to last...because he can't get in to see his doctor until next week.

May 18, 2010

My son does this too...but I am wondering if they truly belive that they didn't do anything wrong. Do they perceive things differently? Also, I think they are not capable of accepting responsibility...it is everyone else's fault...never their's. My son does this all the time. I don't know if they are truly lying ...for instance...

My son shot a rubber band at another student in band. Something boys do with each other. Of course today it is considered violent ...anyways...by accident it hit the boy in the face. The boy didn't say anything but when he went to his next class...it had turned red...his teacher sent him to the nurse...and the nurse asked him what happened...he told the nurse...the nurse then reported this to the asst. principal. My son was called into his office. The assistant principal asks my son...Did you do this on purpose?. My son replies...NO. Then the assistant principla says...but I have witnesses who saw you do it...saw you aim it at X. So he took it as my son was lying. But in reality my son wasn't lying...he thought the Asst. Principal asked him...did he purposely shoot the boy in the face...and he didn't. He didn't mean to hit him in the face...So in short, I think

it all depends on how they perceive the question or situation. I chuckle now when I think about it...not that he almost hit the boy in the eye but how he misunderstood the Asst. Principal's question.

jan

"In the Midst of Difficulty lies Opportunity" Albert Einstein

From: "deabakcp@..." <deabakcp@...> Sent: Mon, May 17, 2010 9:05:02 PMSubject: Re: ( ) Seriously testing my ability as a parent

My son is 14 also. He doesn't care about school and won't do class or homework. The main problem that he has now and has had for years is lying. He will lie even when you catch him in the middle of it. He will not relent. We have done everything we know to do. He has recently been diagnosed with Asberger's and I am wondering if this is part of it. Deana Sent on the SprintÂ® Now Network from my BlackBerryÂ®

From: Byrne <kabobecatbox (DOT) net>

Date: Mon, 17 May 2010 17:37:07 -0700

< >

Subject: Re: ( ) Seriously testing my ability as a parent

oh btw, my daughter doesn't care either, she hates to do her work, she tells me "I'm smarter than you are I dont need school" Which she is quiet intelligent everything comes easy to her. But if she just tried harder she could learn so much more! I try to tell her that but she just stares at me with that are you still talking face. LOL

On May 17, 2010, at 1:36 PM, rushen janice wrote:

Oh, you mean it is not just my son! I thought I was alone with the anger and yelling and slamming doors. My son is 14 and I feel the growth hormones, teen stuff as well as having AS is causing all of this. He has fits about getting up and told me I was "bitching". Then proceeded to knock over he chair and throw everything off his dresser and it is only 6 a.m. and the bus comes at 6:15 a.m. Ugh! What a God awful hour to have to get up and go to school but he rides the smaller bus. I can't get him to bed at night or wake up in the mornng. Everything is an argument. He goes straight to his room after school. I have learned not to talk to him. what a life is this? I can't even talk to him. I know he is holding it together in school and doing much better. He refuses to do homework or study but is still passing everything. Thank Goodness. But he is smart...but he doesn't apply himself and he "doesn't care".

So please know you are not alone! We are in this together. I am going to try talking to him tonight. He wants things and we do for him...so now it is his turn to do some stuff for us! Like study for 1/2 hour. And, he wants to be treated like a teen....so then he has to start taking on responsibility. He can't have it both ways. We'll see how it works out.

Hang in there...you are doing the best you can....and you and I are in the same boat...so lean over and cry on my shoulder if you need to....

jan

"Faith, hope and Love and the greatest of these is Love"

From: Mayne <jazjamloch (DOT) com>" " < >Sent: Mon, May 17, 2010 3:55:22 PMSubject: Re: ( ) Seriously testing my ability as a parent

You are not a horrible parent. You are trying your best. It may not get better but the zoloft will help you cope with these things.

I hope they do get better , you are doing the right thing.

KelSent from my iPhone

On 18/05/2010, at 4:52 AM, "mfilas76" <mfilas76 (DOT) com> wrote:

I just started back on Zoloft about 10 days ago, so I know that it's going to kick in here soon. There are alot of other "stressors" in our life right now, and I know that it will get better. The ups and downs of parenting, right? It makes me seriously question my abilities (re: subject lol). He has become so agressive... .and just mean. Yesterday, he was yelling out the door that his older brother was fat. He bought a flashlight at a garage sale on Saturday, and it has a radio and an emergency siren on it that is really loud. I try and let him have stuff like that, because it's his passion - anything mechanical. He kept making the thing beep....over and over and over. I asked him to stop, tried explaining that it was for emergencies. Explained the "never cry wolf" thing....that didn't work. Then, took the approach that the neighbors probably didn't want to hear it all day, and he responded yelling "I have only been playing with it for 3 hours, I'm

not talking to you! Get out of my room!"! I then said that if I heard it again, it would be taken away permanently. He freaked out, and slammed the door....I am sorry to vent - It's just hard to get anyone else to understand. And then people look at you like you are suck a horrible parent. > > > And my sanity....> > > > Do you find, or have you found that when your children are going through growth spurts they completely test your

sanity...ability as parents, as people? I am obviously venting right now...but, I am exhausted. He is so unhappy right now...and loud, oh my. He has been so angry, the angry outbursts are killing me. He will yell and scream....and never wants to talk about anything. Makes life hell with taking meds, eating, getting his way, behaviour socially...is pushing me to my limits. He has been very manipulative in public, because he knows when and where I will discipline, and when and where I can't. He won't sleep at night. The motormouth is constant right now....> > > > I am going to lose my mind!!!! Sorry - please, somebody tell me I'm not crazy, and how long it's going to last...because he can't get in to see his doctor until next week. > > > >>

â€œHere's to the crazy ones, the misfits, the rebels, the troublemakers, the round pegs in the square holes... the ones who see things differently -- they're not fond of rules... You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them, but the only thing you can't do is ignore them because they change things... they push the human race forward, and while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius, because the ones who are crazy enough to think that they can change the world, are the ones who do.â€ - Steve Jobs

May 18, 2010

Yes, that is my son too...he is passing all subjects...but could do so much better. He also roller coasts...one test he will get a 98 and the next a 75....he has the ability. And, if he studied and put some effort into his work...he would get all 80's and 90's. I guess, I should be happy he is passing. I kind of gave up trying to make him study...all we had was stress. I was so burnt out. I am hoping when he starts 9th grade he will mature and get this. He is doing better in school and he is maturing.

Jan

"In the Midst of Difficulty lies Opportunity" Albert Einstein

From: Byrne <kabob@...> Sent: Mon, May 17, 2010 8:37:07 PMSubject: Re: ( ) Seriously testing my ability as a parent

oh btw, my daughter doesn't care either, she hates to do her work, she tells me "I'm smarter than you are I dont need school" Which she is quiet intelligent everything comes easy to her. But if she just tried harder she could learn so much more! I try to tell her that but she just stares at me with that are you still talking face. LOL

On May 17, 2010, at 1:36 PM, rushen janice wrote:

Oh, you mean it is not just my son! I thought I was alone with the anger and yelling and slamming doors. My son is 14 and I feel the growth hormones, teen stuff as well as having AS is causing all of this. He has fits about getting up and told me I was "bitching". Then proceeded to knock over he chair and throw everything off his dresser and it is only 6 a.m. and the bus comes at 6:15 a.m. Ugh! What a God awful hour to have to get up and go to school but he rides the smaller bus. I can't get him to bed at night or wake up in the mornng. Everything is an argument. He goes straight to his room after school. I have learned not to talk to him. what a life is this? I can't even talk to him. I know he is holding it together in school and doing much better. He refuses to do homework or study but is still passing everything. Thank Goodness. But he is smart...but he doesn't apply himself and he "doesn't care".

So please know you are not alone! We are in this together. I am going to try talking to him tonight. He wants things and we do for him...so now it is his turn to do some stuff for us! Like study for 1/2 hour. And, he wants to be treated like a teen....so then he has to start taking on responsibility. He can't have it both ways. We'll see how it works out.

Hang in there...you are doing the best you can....and you and I are in the same boat...so lean over and cry on my shoulder if you need to....

jan

"Faith, hope and Love and the greatest of these is Love"

From: Mayne <jazjamloch (DOT) com>" " < >Sent: Mon, May 17, 2010 3:55:22 PMSubject: Re: ( ) Seriously testing my ability as a parent

You are not a horrible parent. You are trying your best. It may not get better but the zoloft will help you cope with these things.

I hope they do get better , you are doing the right thing.

KelSent from my iPhone

On 18/05/2010, at 4:52 AM, "mfilas76" <mfilas76 (DOT) com> wrote:

I just started back on Zoloft about 10 days ago, so I know that it's going to kick in here soon. There are alot of other "stressors" in our life right now, and I know that it will get better. The ups and downs of parenting, right? It makes me seriously question my abilities (re: subject lol). He has become so agressive... .and just mean. Yesterday, he was yelling out the door that his older brother was fat. He bought a flashlight at a garage sale on Saturday, and it has a radio and an emergency siren on it that is really loud. I try and let him have stuff like that, because it's his passion - anything mechanical. He kept making the thing beep....over and over and over. I asked him to stop, tried explaining that it was for emergencies. Explained the "never cry wolf" thing....that didn't work. Then, took the approach that the neighbors probably didn't want to hear it all day, and he responded yelling "I have only been playing with it for 3 hours, I'm

not talking to you! Get out of my room!"! I then said that if I heard it again, it would be taken away permanently. He freaked out, and slammed the door....I am sorry to vent - It's just hard to get anyone else to understand. And then people look at you like you are suck a horrible parent. > > > And my sanity....> > > > Do you find, or have you found that when your children are going through growth spurts they completely test your

sanity...ability as parents, as people? I am obviously venting right now...but, I am exhausted. He is so unhappy right now...and loud, oh my. He has been so angry, the angry outbursts are killing me. He will yell and scream....and never wants to talk about anything. Makes life hell with taking meds, eating, getting his way, behaviour socially...is pushing me to my limits. He has been very manipulative in public, because he knows when and where I will discipline, and when and where I can't. He won't sleep at night. The motormouth is constant right now....> > > > I am going to lose my mind!!!! Sorry - please, somebody tell me I'm not crazy, and how long it's going to last...because he can't get in to see his doctor until next week. > > > >>

â€œHere's to the crazy ones, the misfits, the rebels, the troublemakers, the round pegs in the square holes... the ones who see things differently -- they're not fond of rules... You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them, but the only thing you can't do is ignore them because they change things... they push the human race forward, and while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius, because the ones who are crazy enough to think that they can change the world, are the ones who do.â€ - Steve Jobs

May 19, 2010

I agree with you Jan. And I don't think lying is the same thing as

cause and effect type problems. In your great example, you have shown

that what one person would consider a lie was not lying to the child

with AS. I have those kinds of issues all the time with my two ds's

who have HFA.

My older ds also has an added twist - he says the least amount possible

as a general rule. This results in him leaving out so many details

that it changes the situation entirely. It can make me nuts. Other

people, adults, have gotten angry with him at first because they felt

they were lied to as they do not appreciate how autism works. But once

they realize the problem, they get it and realize he never tried to get

away with something by leaving out important details. I remember in

middle school he once had an eval where he had to identify the main

topic of each paragraph. He could never do it. He could tell you a

few details about what he read but he could not string them together to

produce " the topic. " Now, he's 21 yo and my dh and I know how to ask

the right questions to get to the point with him. But most people

would not do that or think to do that. And what his point is is not

always the same as what a " typical " person's point would be. lol. The

last time we had a mix-up was the first time I saw him actually realize

why the other people got angry. Usually, he would not get the other

person's perspective at all.

But when you don't see other perspectives or understand what was going

on before you walked into the picture, you would find it easy to blame

everyone and everything else for the problem since you would not see

how you contributed to it. I think that is more to do with

cause/effect than with lying.

Roxanna

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

Re: ( ) Seriously testing my ability as a parent

Â

You are not a horrible parent. You are trying your best. It may not get

better but the zoloft will help you cope with these things.

I hope they do get better , you are doing the right thing.Â

Kel

Sent from my iPhone

On 18/05/2010, at 4:52 AM, " mfilas76 " <mfilas76 (DOT) com> wrote:

Â

I just started back on Zoloft about 10 days ago, so I know that it's

going to kick in here soon. There are alot of other " stressors " in our