Re:The future of our children/Sue

July 21, 2010

Thanks Jan, Pam, and . I certainly didn't mean to make anyone cry!

My post emphasized some of the roadblocks we've encountered, but I think I

could write another post with just as many positive things about him. He makes

the honor roll. This year he did a class presentation about himself where he

explained about AS and asked the other kids to approach him because it's hard

for him to approach them even though he wants to. He's detail oriented. Once

he's accepted something as part of his routine, you don't need to worry about

whatever it is getting done. He's a really good teacher--understands the

material and is very patient. He'd make a good tutor because it's a one-on-one

thing with a younger person. I'm hopeful that he'll find a real job as the guy

in the back room who fixes your computer when it's broken or at least as the guy

who knows how to plug in the hardware you want. He's made so much progress

behaviorally. We practically never see those meltdowns he used to have when he

was younger anymore. And I love him dearly and he loves me right back.

Maybe I should be posting more frequently about the things that are going right

even if some of those things are achievements that are pretty delayed compared

to my typical children. For example, just this morning he sorted through the

clean underwear for the first time ever and picked out the things that belong to

him (we're a family of seven, so there are a *lot* of socks to sort through

<g>). He didn't used to be able to do something like that. It's a sign that

his executive functioning skills are getting stronger in some areas. Yeay!

Sue in Northern Virginia

> > >

> > > I hope I'm wrong, but I read you post as a kind of criticism of how many

> > of us are raising our children. And I hope you're right. I hope what you're

> > doing with your son will head off the many problems that develop as these

> > children get older. We have three sons with AS. The oldest is 19. The other

> > two are 15 and 12. The 15 yo is less affected, and will, I think, have a

> > relatively normal future. The 19 yo and the 12 yo are facing a different set

> > of challenges.

> > >

> > > When my 19yo was 7 the way your son is now, I too thought he had a bright

> > future ahead of him. There were problems at school but none of his

> > classmates had really sophisticated social skills and they were very

> > nonjudgemental. He also had a friend and we had just learned that his verbal

> > IQ was/is about 200. He taught himself to read grown-up novels shortly after

> > his third birthday. He was truly brilliant. I was envisioning a future for

> > him that might include being an author or a college professor. You know,

> > quirky, but brilliant.

> > >

> > > When he was 7 1/2 the military transferred us to a different state, and

> > we elected to move into a district that had a fabulous program for gifted

> > kids. The biggest problem for my son was that he eventually lost contact

> > with that one friend he had (and has never been able to make another one).

> > >

> > > At 8yo he was moved to a full-time gifted program. I was so proud of him

> > and it just reinforced my hopes for his future. AS wasn't going to stand in

> > the way of anything for my son. It wasn't going to be an excuse for a

> > failure to achieve. Yeay! Unfortunately, a gifted program involves lots of

> > transitions all the time. The typical gifted children thrived, but my son

> > was totally overwhelmed. The day came when the principal told us that if we

> > brought him back to school the next day, he would expel him. I was

> > completely new to the IEP world, and didn't know that this was an empty and

> > illegal threat, so I pulled him out and homeschooled him for the next couple

> > of years--all the while working on social skills and learning coping

> > mechanisms. He did *wonderfully* academically, but when I put him in school

> > I asked them to have his repeat the year we had just completed to give him

> > an extra year to prepare socially for middle school. The school agreed, and,

> > again, I was hopeful that things were back on track for a successful future.

> > >

> > > Middle school was a mess. He got lumped in with ED classes because he

> > needed a smaller group and the same district that has such a wonderful

> > program for gifted kids has literally nothing for kids with high functioning

> > autism. The ED kids victimized my son--especially in gym class--to the point

> > that his teachers had him pulled out of that setting and moved to an LD

> > setting instead. Well, so much for that brilliant academic future. LD

> > classes don't move as quickly as even general ed. classes for obvious

> > reasons.

> > >

> > > High school rolled around, and my son got a wonderful case manager who

> > took a personal interest in him. He was available to support my son

> > throughout the day, and many of the problems we'd seen in middle school

> > improved a lot. But he still had no friends, and he was constantly getting

> > in trouble with his grades because he was so very disorganized. You see he

> > has executive functioning deficits. Keeping himself as organized as a

> > typical high school student is literally impossible for him. Where could he

> > get more help with staying organized? The LD classes. He did, however, have

> > some non-special ed. classes. Latin for example--and he did *very* well on

> > tests and quizzes because he has a photographic memory--but he was still so

> > disorganized about his homework. Also, by now his lack of friends was really

> > hurting him. He wrote an entry in his journal concerning how hopeless he

> > felt and wondering why he didn't just kill himself. I got a call to come to

> > the school immediately. We talked with his case manager and I took our son

> > home for a mental health day. We also contacted his psychiatrist (by now he

> > was on several meds--including ADHD meds in an attempt to improve his

> > executive functioning skills--so he had a psychiatrist. He was also in

> > social skills therapy with a social worker, and we brought her in on the

> > problem. The specialists couldn't really do much about the root of the

> > problem though. The boy was lonely and you can't *make* other kids accept

> > someone as a friend. We hoped that he'd make friends with someone from his

> > social skills group which had several kids with AS, but what we found was

> > that then *neither* boy had much in the way of social skills, and they would

> > tend to get involved with their focal interests and ignore each other.

> > >

> > > Skipping forward a couple of years, we found that it was time to start

> > thinking about what our son would do when he finished high school. I was

> > still thinking that a 4-year college was a natural choice for such a smart

> > kid. The case manager gradually broke it to me that our son should get some

> > trade skills in case college didn't work out. I was seeing here on this

> > board that *many* parents who tried to send their AS kids to college were

> > failing despite herculean efforts. Our son's social worker told me that AS

> > kids " crash and burn " in college. Her daughter--also with AS--had just

> > completed the required classes for a degree in teaching, but at the last

> > minute, the faculty informed her that she wouldn't be granted the degree or

> > certificate or whatever because they knew she lacked the social skills to

> > teach and they couldn't in good conscience grant her the credentials she

> > would need to become a teacher. She fell apart (including moving out and

> > becoming homeless for a while), and her mother was desperately trying to

> > pick up the pieces.

> > >

> > > We decided to let our son try the high school's technical school. Two

> > years later, he has five professional certifications in the computer

> > repair/website design area. He loves the work, but his instructors informed

> > me that they don't think he'll be able to hold a job in the field. Lack of

> > social skills. For example, he finished the unit way ahead of other kids,

> > but when his teacher asked him to help a fellow student who was having

> > problems, he wound up asking the kid if he was stupid or what? Also, that

> > executive functioning issue is rearing it's ugly head again. He can't really

> > problem solve the way he would need to be able to in a professional

> > capacity.

> > >

> > > Then there are the day to day issues. He can't remember to take his

> > medicine by himself. Simple problems confuse him because he has trouble

> > generalizing one experience to a similar, but different, one in the future.

> > Personal hygiene is getting better, but we still have to remind him every

> > day to use deodorant, shave, and brush his teeth. If we don't do that, it

> > doesn't get done because he really can't see why he should care about how

> > other people see him.

> > >

> > > So here we are. He's 19 and taking a fifth year of high school to give

> > him a little more developmental time (kids with IEPs can do that). His

> > psychiatrist suggested that we needed to make him our ward because he still

> > needs someone to take care of him--we're hoping he'll " grow out of " this,

> > but realistically, only time will tell whether that's possible. I've had him

> > evaluated by the Department of Rehabilitative Services, so he can get job

> > placement and job coaching help--but I'm worried that means they'll get him

> > hired on at Mc's to sweep the floor. I *still* want to see him go to

> > college, but we've learned that colleges that offer support programs for

> > kids with AS are *very* expensive. There's a really attractive program at

> > NYIT--but it's so expensive that we can't possibly afford it. I'm supposed

> > to be working on getting our son qualified for SSI because we could use that

> > income to help him with a program like that, but I'm kind of overwhelmed and

> > *he* certainly can't do it himself.

> > >

> > > This has gotten hideously long, and I hope I haven't lost you, because

> > what I really want to say is that even *very* high functioning children (and

> > their parents) have major hurdles to overcome. The social and executive

> > function deficits are *so* much more handicapping than you think they are

> > when your child is very young. Also, children who can be diagnosed at 5 or 6

> > yo probably *aren't* all that high functioning. Most kids who are truly high

> > functioning Aspies aren't diagnosable until they're in late grade school or

> > even high school because they can compensate up until then.

> > >

> > > As a parent, raising a child with Asperger's can mean dealing with the

> > death of one dream after another for your child's future. It truly is

> > heartbreaking. I know because we're living it. My son is still a wonderful

> > person. He's sweet and innocent in a way that other people aren't. He's

> > cute. He's brilliant. And yet none of that is enough to keep him from having

> > the sort of limited future I could never have envisioned for him when he was

> > 7yo.

> > >

> > > I sincerely hope that your experience with AS follows a different pathway

> > from ours. It's entirely possible that it will because every person with AS

> > is different from every other person with AS. I'm just saying you need to be

> > careful about judging other parents because you could so easily be walking

> > in their shoes in ten years.

> > >

> > > Peace.

> > > Sue

> > >

> > > > The future of our children

> > > > Posted by: " " teamjakob06@ teamjakob06

> > > > Mon Jul 19, 2010 12:48 pm (PDT)

> > > >

> > > > Lately I have been reading some of the posts on here and thinking a lot

> > about my child's future. I have NO doubt in my mind that my son will be a

> > productive, sucessful citizen. I homeschool him and we get very indepth with

> > certain subjects. He can learn much better than at a private or public

> > school and the resources are endless. He is 7 now and when he graduates he

> > will attend college like every other child in America. It will not be a

> > special college either, it may very well be Washington University as it

> > is in our city of Fredericksburg. I know that one day he too will have a

> > family and I look forward to having grandchildren. Not one time have I ever

> > thought that he would be a stock boy at Walmart or the service guy at our

> > local Exxon, Shell, Wawa, etc.. Not one time have I thought that he would

> > never amount to much or ever let him think that. Never ever have I thought

> > of his disability as a bad thing. There is greatness in all these children

> > and our job is to guide them to become greatness! Sometimes I think that we

> > tend to hinder our children more than their disability by setting the bar so

> > low that they believe thenselves that they can't do anything or won't amount

> > to much.

> > > >

> > > > We used to live in Georgia and they had very little resources to help,

> > so I moved to Virginia, where I was born and my parents were raised. Here

> > there is a lot of help, BUT DON'T RELY ON THE SCHOOL SYSTEM TO TELL YOU

> > ABOUT IT OR HELP YOU GET IT! You have to do your home work as I have read

> > that many of you have and you have to know, have to have faith, and have to

> > believe that God blessed you with this special child for a reason! The road

> > is less traveled, tiring, and we all feel that we are treading on broken

> > glass barefoot, but we all choose to be parents even though God choose us to

> > be parents of Aspie children, again for a reason! If you stop clipping their

> > wings and allow them to fly, who knows how high they will soar!

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

July 21, 2010

RSent via BlackBerry by AT&TFrom: "suetois" <suetois@...>Sender: Date: Wed, 21 Jul 2010 13:48:45 -0000< >Reply Subject: ( ) Re:The future of our children/Sue Thanks Jan, Pam, and . I certainly didn't mean to make anyone cry! My post emphasized some of the roadblocks we've encountered, but I think I could write another post with just as many positive things about him. He makes the honor roll. This year he did a class presentation about himself where he explained about AS and asked the other kids to approach him because it's hard for him to approach them even though he wants to. He's detail oriented. Once he's accepted something as part of his routine, you don't need to worry about whatever it is getting done. He's a really good teacher--understands the material and is very patient. He'd make a good tutor because it's a one-on-one thing with a younger person. I'm hopeful that he'll find a real job as the guy in the back room who fixes your computer when it's broken or at least as the guy who knows how to plug in the hardware you want. He's made so much progress behaviorally. We practically never see those meltdowns he used to have when he was younger anymore. And I love him dearly and he loves me right back.Maybe I should be posting more frequently about the things that are going right even if some of those things are achievements that are pretty delayed compared to my typical children. For example, just this morning he sorted through the clean underwear for the first time ever and picked out the things that belong to him (we're a family of seven, so there are a *lot* of socks to sort through <g>). He didn't used to be able to do something like that. It's a sign that his executive functioning skills are getting stronger in some areas. Yeay!Sue in Northern Virginia > > >> > > I hope I'm wrong, but I read you post as a kind of criticism of how many> > of us are raising our children. And I hope you're right. I hope what you're> > doing with your son will head off the many problems that develop as these> > children get older. We have three sons with AS. The oldest is 19. The other> > two are 15 and 12. The 15 yo is less affected, and will, I think, have a> > relatively normal future. The 19 yo and the 12 yo are facing a different set> > of challenges.> > >> > > When my 19yo was 7 the way your son is now, I too thought he had a bright> > future ahead of him. There were problems at school but none of his> > classmates had really sophisticated social skills and they were very> > nonjudgemental. He also had a friend and we had just learned that his verbal> > IQ was/is about 200. He taught himself to read grown-up novels shortly after> > his third birthday. He was truly brilliant. I was envisioning a future for> > him that might include being an author or a college professor. You know,> > quirky, but brilliant.> > >> > > When he was 7 1/2 the military transferred us to a different state, and> > we elected to move into a district that had a fabulous program for gifted> > kids. The biggest problem for my son was that he eventually lost contact> > with that one friend he had (and has never been able to make another one).> > >> > > At 8yo he was moved to a full-time gifted program. I was so proud of him> > and it just reinforced my hopes for his future. AS wasn't going to stand in> > the way of anything for my son. It wasn't going to be an excuse for a> > failure to achieve. Yeay! Unfortunately, a gifted program involves lots of> > transitions all the time. The typical gifted children thrived, but my son> > was totally overwhelmed. The day came when the principal told us that if we> > brought him back to school the next day, he would expel him. I was> > completely new to the IEP world, and didn't know that this was an empty and> > illegal threat, so I pulled him out and homeschooled him for the next couple> > of years--all the while working on social skills and learning coping> > mechanisms. He did *wonderfully* academically, but when I put him in school> > I asked them to have his repeat the year we had just completed to give him> > an extra year to prepare socially for middle school. The school agreed, and,> > again, I was hopeful that things were back on track for a successful future.> > >> > > Middle school was a mess. He got lumped in with ED classes because he> > needed a smaller group and the same district that has such a wonderful> > program for gifted kids has literally nothing for kids with high functioning> > autism. The ED kids victimized my son--especially in gym class--to the point> > that his teachers had him pulled out of that setting and moved to an LD> > setting instead. Well, so much for that brilliant academic future. LD> > classes don't move as quickly as even general ed. classes for obvious> > reasons.> > >> > > High school rolled around, and my son got a wonderful case manager who> > took a personal interest in him. He was available to support my son> > throughout the day, and many of the problems we'd seen in middle school> > improved a lot. But he still had no friends, and he was constantly getting> > in trouble with his grades because he was so very disorganized. You see he> > has executive functioning deficits. Keeping himself as organized as a> > typical high school student is literally impossible for him. Where could he> > get more help with staying organized? The LD classes. He did, however, have> > some non-special ed. classes. Latin for example--and he did *very* well on> > tests and quizzes because he has a photographic memory--but he was still so> > disorganized about his homework. Also, by now his lack of friends was really> > hurting him. He wrote an entry in his journal concerning how hopeless he> > felt and wondering why he didn't just kill himself. I got a call to come to> > the school immediately. We talked with his case manager and I took our son> > home for a mental health day. We also contacted his psychiatrist (by now he> > was on several meds--including ADHD meds in an attempt to improve his> > executive functioning skills--so he had a psychiatrist. He was also in> > social skills therapy with a social worker, and we brought her in on the> > problem. The specialists couldn't really do much about the root of the> > problem though. The boy was lonely and you can't *make* other kids accept> > someone as a friend. We hoped that he'd make friends with someone from his> > social skills group which had several kids with AS, but what we found was> > that then *neither* boy had much in the way of social skills, and they would> > tend to get involved with their focal interests and ignore each other.> > >> > > Skipping forward a couple of years, we found that it was time to start> > thinking about what our son would do when he finished high school. I was> > still thinking that a 4-year college was a natural choice for such a smart> > kid. The case manager gradually broke it to me that our son should get some> > trade skills in case college didn't work out. I was seeing here on this> > board that *many* parents who tried to send their AS kids to college were> > failing despite herculean efforts. Our son's social worker told me that AS> > kids " crash and burn " in college. Her daughter--also with AS--had just> > completed the required classes for a degree in teaching, but at the last> > minute, the faculty informed her that she wouldn't be granted the degree or> > certificate or whatever because they knew she lacked the social skills to> > teach and they couldn't in good conscience grant her the credentials she> > would need to become a teacher. She fell apart (including moving out and> > becoming homeless for a while), and her mother was desperately trying to> > pick up the pieces.> > >> > > We decided to let our son try the high school's technical school. Two> > years later, he has five professional certifications in the computer> > repair/website design area. He loves the work, but his instructors informed> > me that they don't think he'll be able to hold a job in the field. Lack of> > social skills. For example, he finished the unit way ahead of other kids,> > but when his teacher asked him to help a fellow student who was having> > problems, he wound up asking the kid if he was stupid or what? Also, that> > executive functioning issue is rearing it's ugly head again. He can't really> > problem solve the way he would need to be able to in a professional> > capacity.> > >> > > Then there are the day to day issues. He can't remember to take his> > medicine by himself. Simple problems confuse him because he has trouble> > generalizing one experience to a similar, but different, one in the future.> > Personal hygiene is getting better, but we still have to remind him every> > day to use deodorant, shave, and brush his teeth. If we don't do that, it> > doesn't get done because he really can't see why he should care about how> > other people see him.> > >> > > So here we are. He's 19 and taking a fifth year of high school to give> > him a little more developmental time (kids with IEPs can do that). His> > psychiatrist suggested that we needed to make him our ward because he still> > needs someone to take care of him--we're hoping he'll " grow out of " this,> > but realistically, only time will tell whether that's possible. I've had him> > evaluated by the Department of Rehabilitative Services, so he can get job> > placement and job coaching help--but I'm worried that means they'll get him> > hired on at Mc's to sweep the floor. I *still* want to see him go to> > college, but we've learned that colleges that offer support programs for> > kids with AS are *very* expensive. There's a really attractive program at> > NYIT--but it's so expensive that we can't possibly afford it. I'm supposed> > to be working on getting our son qualified for SSI because we could use that> > income to help him with a program like that, but I'm kind of overwhelmed and> > *he* certainly can't do it himself.> > >> > > This has gotten hideously long, and I hope I haven't lost you, because> > what I really want to say is that even *very* high functioning children (and> > their parents) have major hurdles to overcome. The social and executive> > function deficits are *so* much more handicapping than you think they are> > when your child is very young. Also, children who can be diagnosed at 5 or 6> > yo probably *aren't* all that high functioning. Most kids who are truly high> > functioning Aspies aren't diagnosable until they're in late grade school or> > even high school because they can compensate up until then.> > >> > > As a parent, raising a child with Asperger's can mean dealing with the> > death of one dream after another for your child's future. It truly is> > heartbreaking. I know because we're living it. My son is still a wonderful> > person. He's sweet and innocent in a way that other people aren't. He's> > cute. He's brilliant. And yet none of that is enough to keep him from having> > the sort of limited future I could never have envisioned for him when he was> > 7yo.> > >> > > I sincerely hope that your experience with AS follows a different pathway> > from ours. It's entirely possible that it will because every person with AS> > is different from every other person with AS. I'm just saying you need to be> > careful about judging other parents because you could so easily be walking> > in their shoes in ten years.> > >> > > Peace.> > > Sue> > >> > >> > > > The future of our children> > > > Posted by: " " teamjakob06@ teamjakob06> > > > Mon Jul 19, 2010 12:48 pm (PDT)> > > >> > > >> > > >> > > > Lately I have been reading some of the posts on here and thinking a lot> > about my child's future. I have NO doubt in my mind that my son will be a> > productive, sucessful citizen. I homeschool him and we get very indepth with> > certain subjects. He can learn much better than at a private or public> > school and the resources are endless. He is 7 now and when he graduates he> > will attend college like every other child in America. It will not be a> > special college either, it may very well be Washington University as it> > is in our city of Fredericksburg. I know that one day he too will have a> > family and I look forward to having grandchildren. Not one time have I ever> > thought that he would be a stock boy at Walmart or the service guy at our> > local Exxon, Shell, Wawa, etc.. Not one time have I thought that he would> > never amount to much or ever let him think that. Never ever have I thought> > of his disability as a bad thing. There is greatness in all these children> > and our job is to guide them to become greatness! Sometimes I think that we> > tend to hinder our children more than their disability by setting the bar so> > low that they believe thenselves that they can't do anything or won't amount> > to much.> > > >> > > > We used to live in Georgia and they had very little resources to help,> > so I moved to Virginia, where I was born and my parents were raised. Here> > there is a lot of help, BUT DON'T RELY ON THE SCHOOL SYSTEM TO TELL YOU> > ABOUT IT OR HELP YOU GET IT! You have to do your home work as I have read> > that many of you have and you have to know, have to have faith, and have to> > believe that God blessed you with this special child for a reason! The road> > is less traveled, tiring, and we all feel that we are treading on broken> > glass barefoot, but we all choose to be parents even though God choose us to> > be parents of Aspie children, again for a reason! If you stop clipping their> > wings and allow them to fly, who knows how high they will soar!> > > >> > > > > > >> >> >> > > >>

July 21, 2010

Thanks Sue. That gave me hope . If my daughter gets that far, I will be very happy.. I want the meltdowns to stop.. Of course, she is a 15 1/2 year old girl so what do I expect? I get so embarrassed when she screams and runs out of a chaotic situation that she can't handle such as a class squabble, family crisis, etc. and then people go after her thinking she needs to be restrained.. I have to tell them,"no, she will just find a quiet place. She will be fine." but, God help us if I am not there to tell them.

( ) Re:The future of our children/Sue

Thanks Jan, Pam, and . I certainly didn't mean to make anyone cry! My post emphasized some of the roadblocks we've encountered, but I think I could write another post with just as many positive things about him. He makes the honor roll. This year he did a class presentation about himself where he explained about AS and asked the other kids to approach him because it's hard for him to approach them even though he wants to. He's detail oriented. Once he's accepted something as part of his routine, you don't need to worry about whatever it is getting done. He's a really good teacher--understands the material and is very patient. He'd make a good tutor because it's a one-on-one thing with a younger person. I'm hopeful that he'll find a real job as the guy in the back room who fixes your computer when it's broken or at least as the guy who knows how to plug in the hardware you want. He's made so much progress behaviorally. We practically never see those meltdowns he used to have when he was younger anymore. And I love him dearly and he loves me right back.Maybe I should be posting more frequently about the things that are going right even if some of those things are achievements that are pretty delayed compared to my typical children. For example, just this morning he sorted through the clean underwear for the first time ever and picked out the things that belong to him (we're a family of seven, so there are a *lot* of socks to sort through <g>). He didn't used to be able to do something like that. It's a sign that his executive functioning skills are getting stronger in some areas. Yeay!Sue in Northern Virginia > > >> > > I hope I'm wrong, but I read you post as a kind of criticism of how many> > of us are raising our children. And I hope you're right. I hope what you're> > doing with your son will head off the many problems that develop as these> > children get older. We have three sons with AS. The oldest is 19. The other> > two are 15 and 12. The 15 yo is less affected, and will, I think, have a> > relatively normal future. The 19 yo and the 12 yo are facing a different set> > of challenges.> > >> > > When my 19yo was 7 the way your son is now, I too thought he had a bright> > future ahead of him. There were problems at school but none of his> > classmates had really sophisticated social skills and they were very> > nonjudgemental. He also had a friend and we had just learned that his verbal> > IQ was/is about 200. He taught himself to read grown-up novels shortly after> > his third birthday. He was truly brilliant. I was envisioning a future for> > him that might include being an author or a college professor. You know,> > quirky, but brilliant.> > >> > > When he was 7 1/2 the military transferred us to a different state, and> > we elected to move into a district that had a fabulous program for gifted> > kids. The biggest problem for my son was that he eventually lost contact> > with that one friend he had (and has never been able to make another one).> > >> > > At 8yo he was moved to a full-time gifted program. I was so proud of him> > and it just reinforced my hopes for his future. AS wasn't going to stand in> > the way of anything for my son. It wasn't going to be an excuse for a> > failure to achieve. Yeay! Unfortunately, a gifted program involves lots of> > transitions all the time. The typical gifted children thrived, but my son> > was totally overwhelmed. The day came when the principal told us that if we> > brought him back to school the next day, he would expel him. I was> > completely new to the IEP world, and didn't know that this was an empty and> > illegal threat, so I pulled him out and homeschooled him for the next couple> > of years--all the while working on social skills and learning coping> > mechanisms. He did *wonderfully* academically, but when I put him in school> > I asked them to have his repeat the year we had just completed to give him> > an extra year to prepare socially for middle school. The school agreed, and,> > again, I was hopeful that things were back on track for a successful future.> > >> > > Middle school was a mess. He got lumped in with ED classes because he> > needed a smaller group and the same district that has such a wonderful> > program for gifted kids has literally nothing for kids with high functioning> > autism. The ED kids victimized my son--especially in gym class--to the point> > that his teachers had him pulled out of that setting and moved to an LD> > setting instead. Well, so much for that brilliant academic future. LD> > classes don't move as quickly as even general ed. classes for obvious> > reasons.> > >> > > High school rolled around, and my son got a wonderful case manager who> > took a personal interest in him. He was available to support my son> > throughout the day, and many of the problems we'd seen in middle school> > improved a lot. But he still had no friends, and he was constantly getting> > in trouble with his grades because he was so very disorganized. You see he> > has executive functioning deficits. Keeping himself as organized as a> > typical high school student is literally impossible for him. Where could he> > get more help with staying organized? The LD classes. He did, however, have> > some non-special ed. classes. Latin for example--and he did *very* well on> > tests and quizzes because he has a photographic memory--but he was still so> > disorganized about his homework. Also, by now his lack of friends was really> > hurting him. He wrote an entry in his journal concerning how hopeless he> > felt and wondering why he didn't just kill himself. I got a call to come to> > the school immediately. We talked with his case manager and I took our son> > home for a mental health day. We also contacted his psychiatrist (by now he> > was on several meds--including ADHD meds in an attempt to improve his> > executive functioning skills--so he had a psychiatrist. He was also in> > social skills therapy with a social worker, and we brought her in on the> > problem. The specialists couldn't really do much about the root of the> > problem though. The boy was lonely and you can't *make* other kids accept> > someone as a friend. We hoped that he'd make friends with someone from his> > social skills group which had several kids with AS, but what we found was> > that then *neither* boy had much in the way of social skills, and they would> > tend to get involved with their focal interests and ignore each other.> > >> > > Skipping forward a couple of years, we found that it was time to start> > thinking about what our son would do when he finished high school. I was> > still thinking that a 4-year college was a natural choice for such a smart> > kid. The case manager gradually broke it to me that our son should get some> > trade skills in case college didn't work out. I was seeing here on this> > board that *many* parents who tried to send their AS kids to college were> > failing despite herculean efforts. Our son's social worker told me that AS> > kids "crash and burn" in college. Her daughter--also with AS--had just> > completed the required classes for a degree in teaching, but at the last> > minute, the faculty informed her that she wouldn't be granted the degree or> > certificate or whatever because they knew she lacked the social skills to> > teach and they couldn't in good conscience grant her the credentials she> > would need to become a teacher. She fell apart (including moving out and> > becoming homeless for a while), and her mother was desperately trying to> > pick up the pieces.> > >> > > We decided to let our son try the high school's technical school. Two> > years later, he has five professional certifications in the computer> > repair/website design area. He loves the work, but his instructors informed> > me that they don't think he'll be able to hold a job in the field. Lack of> > social skills. For example, he finished the unit way ahead of other kids,> > but when his teacher asked him to help a fellow student who was having> > problems, he wound up asking the kid if he was stupid or what? Also, that> > executive functioning issue is rearing it's ugly head again. He can't really> > problem solve the way he would need to be able to in a professional> > capacity.> > >> > > Then there are the day to day issues. He can't remember to take his> > medicine by himself. Simple problems confuse him because he has trouble> > generalizing one experience to a similar, but different, one in the future.> > Personal hygiene is getting better, but we still have to remind him every> > day to use deodorant, shave, and brush his teeth. If we don't do that, it> > doesn't get done because he really can't see why he should care about how> > other people see him.> > >> > > So here we are. He's 19 and taking a fifth year of high school to give> > him a little more developmental time (kids with IEPs can do that). His> > psychiatrist suggested that we needed to make him our ward because he still> > needs someone to take care of him--we're hoping he'll "grow out of" this,> > but realistically, only time will tell whether that's possible. I've had him> > evaluated by the Department of Rehabilitative Services, so he can get job> > placement and job coaching help--but I'm worried that means they'll get him> > hired on at Mc's to sweep the floor. I *still* want to see him go to> > college, but we've learned that colleges that offer support programs for> > kids with AS are *very* expensive. There's a really attractive program at> > NYIT--but it's so expensive that we can't possibly afford it. I'm supposed> > to be working on getting our son qualified for SSI because we could use that> > income to help him with a program like that, but I'm kind of overwhelmed and> > *he* certainly can't do it himself.> > >> > > This has gotten hideously long, and I hope I haven't lost you, because> > what I really want to say is that even *very* high functioning children (and> > their parents) have major hurdles to overcome. The social and executive> > function deficits are *so* much more handicapping than you think they are> > when your child is very young. Also, children who can be diagnosed at 5 or 6> > yo probably *aren't* all that high functioning. Most kids who are truly high> > functioning Aspies aren't diagnosable until they're in late grade school or> > even high school because they can compensate up until then.> > >> > > As a parent, raising a child with Asperger's can mean dealing with the> > death of one dream after another for your child's future. It truly is> > heartbreaking. I know because we're living it. My son is still a wonderful> > person. He's sweet and innocent in a way that other people aren't. He's> > cute. He's brilliant. And yet none of that is enough to keep him from having> > the sort of limited future I could never have envisioned for him when he was> > 7yo.> > >> > > I sincerely hope that your experience with AS follows a different pathway> > from ours. It's entirely possible that it will because every person with AS> > is different from every other person with AS. I'm just saying you need to be> > careful about judging other parents because you could so easily be walking> > in their shoes in ten years.> > >> > > Peace.> > > Sue> > >> > >> > > > The future of our children> > > > Posted by: "" teamjakob06@ teamjakob06> > > > Mon Jul 19, 2010 12:48 pm (PDT)> > > >> > > >> > > >> > > > Lately I have been reading some of the posts on here and thinking a lot> > about my child's future. I have NO doubt in my mind that my son will be a> > productive, sucessful citizen. I homeschool him and we get very indepth with> > certain subjects. He can learn much better than at a private or public> > school and the resources are endless. He is 7 now and when he graduates he> > will attend college like every other child in America. It will not be a> > special college either, it may very well be Washington University as it> > is in our city of Fredericksburg. I know that one day he too will have a> > family and I look forward to having grandchildren. Not one time have I ever> > thought that he would be a stock boy at Walmart or the service guy at our> > local Exxon, Shell, Wawa, etc.. Not one time have I thought that he would> > never amount to much or ever let him think that. Never ever have I thought> > of his disability as a bad thing. There is greatness in all these children> > and our job is to guide them to become greatness! Sometimes I think that we> > tend to hinder our children more than their disability by setting the bar so> > low that they believe thenselves that they can't do anything or won't amount> > to much.> > > >> > > > We used to live in Georgia and they had very little resources to help,> > so I moved to Virginia, where I was born and my parents were raised. Here> > there is a lot of help, BUT DON'T RELY ON THE SCHOOL SYSTEM TO TELL YOU> > ABOUT IT OR HELP YOU GET IT! You have to do your home work as I have read> > that many of you have and you have to know, have to have faith, and have to> > believe that God blessed you with this special child for a reason! The road> > is less traveled, tiring, and we all feel that we are treading on broken> > glass barefoot, but we all choose to be parents even though God choose us to> > be parents of Aspie children, again for a reason! If you stop clipping their> > wings and allow them to fly, who knows how high they will soar!> > > >> > > > > > >> >> >> > > >>

July 21, 2010

yippee!!!On Jul 21, 2010, at 10:01 AM, smacalli@... wrote:

RSent via BlackBerry by AT & TFrom: "suetois" <suetois>

Sender:

Date: Wed, 21 Jul 2010 13:48:45 -0000< >Reply

Subject: ( ) Re:The future of our children/Sue

Thanks Jan, Pam, and . I certainly didn't mean to make anyone cry!

My post emphasized some of the roadblocks we've encountered, but I think I could write another post with just as many positive things about him. He makes the honor roll. This year he did a class presentation about himself where he explained about AS and asked the other kids to approach him because it's hard for him to approach them even though he wants to. He's detail oriented. Once he's accepted something as part of his routine, you don't need to worry about whatever it is getting done. He's a really good teacher--understands the material and is very patient. He'd make a good tutor because it's a one-on-one thing with a younger person. I'm hopeful that he'll find a real job as the guy in the back room who fixes your computer when it's broken or at least as the guy who knows how to plug in the hardware you want. He's made so much progress behaviorally. We practically never see those meltdowns he used to have when he was younger anymore. And I love him dearly and he loves me right back.

Maybe I should be posting more frequently about the things that are going right even if some of those things are achievements that are pretty delayed compared to my typical children. For example, just this morning he sorted through the clean underwear for the first time ever and picked out the things that belong to him (we're a family of seven, so there are a *lot* of socks to sort through <g>). He didn't used to be able to do something like that. It's a sign that his executive functioning skills are getting stronger in some areas. Yeay!