Re: needing tips with a pre-THANK YOU!

[Guest guest]

It is very hard with AS kids because they get obsessive

with their interests at home. My daughter is able

to cope at school but finds it very stressful. My 13 year

old does know how to do some chores but she only does them

when she wants to earn money to buy something of extreme

interest. I have been advised not to nag but to offer

points/money for things she is to do in a timely

manner. If she does them she gets points toward things

she wants. Unfortunately my daughter's frustration about

this system is thru the roof and she has horrible meltdowns

and gets aggressive with me. It truly is a struggle this

kids have issues. My observation is that they need

life to be very structured which is very hard to manage

at home. And since few of any of us have run our houses

like this from the start, their tolerance for this kind

of a change is very low and it is hard to really implement.

Pam

>

> Hello, I'm new to this group and at my wit's end. I've been trying to go at

this alone and keep her " label " private so that it doesn't rule her life or put

her in a box, but because people don't know, she is often annoying others..

which hurts me to see, and is bullied by those who think she is just obnoxious.

>

> I have a really hard time with the idea of telling other children her age(14)

that she has aperger's and ADHD. Kids can take something like that and become

even more cruel with it.. saying that the child is a " mental case " or just being

weirded out by them.

>

> I do part-time homeschool and have been letting her try two classes a day in

public school, for my sanity sake. Having her at home, makes me NUTS. She is

also heavily involved in theater and teaches during the week at private schools

with her director. On top of that, she takes a couple of college courses, and

has since she was 11.

>

> I don't like to say that she is " Gifted " because I don't personally see that

all of this seems very much like a " Gift " with the suffering that has come with

it. -But she is extremely capable in many areas.

>

> My most difficult issue right now as she is a teenager is her desire for more

independence, when she can't even do the simplest things, like wear socks, or

not get filthy from head to toe, or be able to properly clean her bedroom, or

resist snagging a treat that might be on the counter that she isn't supposed to

have. There are so many areas where she is pure instinct, and in so many

others, she surpasses any/all adults.

>

> So, we have enormous conflicts. I have to admit, I am worse than anyone.

Just asking her to do a simple chore like wiping a counter down, brings me to

the point where I have a migraine and feel like I am going to lose my mind.

>

> How do you all get your Asperger's child to do a chore properly? Just simple

things? I suppose all of our kids are different, but with mine, we have never

once been able to get her to do one basic chore correctly, while on the other

hand, she can sit at an instrument she has never played, teach it to herself and

compose songs in one day. Do I just ask nothing of her?? How will she ever be

independent if she can't cover the basics??!!

>

> Soooo tired!!

>

> miriam (we have four children altogether. My Asp. daughter is the oldest)

>

[Guest guest]

Pam, yesterday was so hard. I just wanted her to clean something so simple and

as usual, it turned into a nightmare. Most of the time, I try to accept that

she will go nuts if I try and force her to clean something up the way most

would.. even my 7 yr. old can clean something up much better than she can. -

but every once in a while, I just get so frustrated and feel like if she CARED

enough, she would focus and just do one simple thing, correctly. - and I think

I'm also beginning to get more upset because she is older now and I'm worrying

about her future.. seeing as how basic things still are so drawnout and

difficult for her. I go through so many emotions when she is doing some little

thing. Annoyed, exhasperated, angry, fearful, depressed, ballistic, numb... It

used to be so much easier to watch this when she was just a tyke.

miriam

> >

> > Hello, I'm new to this group and at my wit's end. I've been trying to go at

this alone and keep her " label " private so that it doesn't rule her life or put

her in a box, but because people don't know, she is often annoying others..

which hurts me to see, and is bullied by those who think she is just obnoxious.

> >

> > I have a really hard time with the idea of telling other children her

age(14) that she has aperger's and ADHD. Kids can take something like that and

become even more cruel with it.. saying that the child is a " mental case " or

just being weirded out by them.

> >

> > I do part-time homeschool and have been letting her try two classes a day in

public school, for my sanity sake. Having her at home, makes me NUTS. She is

also heavily involved in theater and teaches during the week at private schools

with her director. On top of that, she takes a couple of college courses, and

has since she was 11.

> >

> > I don't like to say that she is " Gifted " because I don't personally see that

all of this seems very much like a " Gift " with the suffering that has come with

it. -But she is extremely capable in many areas.

> >

> > My most difficult issue right now as she is a teenager is her desire for

more independence, when she can't even do the simplest things, like wear socks,

or not get filthy from head to toe, or be able to properly clean her bedroom, or

resist snagging a treat that might be on the counter that she isn't supposed to

have. There are so many areas where she is pure instinct, and in so many

others, she surpasses any/all adults.

> >

> > So, we have enormous conflicts. I have to admit, I am worse than anyone.

Just asking her to do a simple chore like wiping a counter down, brings me to

the point where I have a migraine and feel like I am going to lose my mind.

> >

> > How do you all get your Asperger's child to do a chore properly? Just

simple things? I suppose all of our kids are different, but with mine, we have

never once been able to get her to do one basic chore correctly, while on the

other hand, she can sit at an instrument she has never played, teach it to

herself and compose songs in one day. Do I just ask nothing of her?? How will

she ever be independent if she can't cover the basics??!!

> >

> > Soooo tired!!

> >

> > miriam (we have four children altogether. My Asp. daughter is the oldest)

> >

>

[Guest guest]

For chores we approach it as a team effort. Any new chore we supervise my son

closely until he does it to my standards. Sometimes my son is reluctant to help

but then I give him the option of doing the chore for the entire family instead

of just his one part. We started this back when he was in elementary school when

he would throw his dirty clothes in a twisted heap. No matter how many times I

asked him not to do it he kept doing it. Until I made him sort the laundry for

everyone. He complained how hard it was and I just pointed out that most of the

work was untwisting his clothes. I also told him that if he continued to throw

his clothes in a twisted heap then he would continue to do the laundry sorting

for the entire family. Sure enough, he started straigtening his clothes before

throwing them in the hamper. For other chores we've asked him to do small things

since we all work full time (either at work or school) so it's only fair that

everyone helps out. Plus I let him choose between a chore I know that he doesn't

want to do (clean the toliets) and one that he doesn't mind as much (dusting).

On most nights my son does stuff like set the table or washes the table after

meals. He'll put his dishes into the dishwasher but has yet to hand wash a dish.

For meals, he'll help get out ingredients or warm something in the microwave.

We've recently tried to get him to do some cooking (other than the microwave) so

that he'll be able to cook when he goes out on his own. It's taken awhile to get

to this point. I think we started intitially by having him bring his dirty

dishes from the table to the counter by the kitchen sink. So baby steps

BTW, I don't ask my son to do chores. I tell him to do them. One time I said to

him. " Would you please shut the shades. " His reply was " No, I'm busy. " We

explained to him that I wasn't really asking him but telling him to do it. So

now I am more careful about how I word things.

I know what you mean about the independence issue. My son really wants to be

independent but doesn't seem to grasp that it takes effort to be independent. He

just asked me today to sign him up for drivers ed. eeeeeeek!!!

My son is an only child. I can't imagine having to deal with more than one since

my one takes so much work.

Caroline

>

> Hello, I'm new to this group and at my wit's end. I've been trying to go at

this alone and keep her " label " private so that it doesn't rule her life or put

her in a box, but because people don't know, she is often annoying others..

which hurts me to see, and is bullied by those who think she is just obnoxious.

>

> I have a really hard time with the idea of telling other children her age(14)

that she has aperger's and ADHD. Kids can take something like that and become

even more cruel with it.. saying that the child is a " mental case " or just being

weirded out by them.

>

> I do part-time homeschool and have been letting her try two classes a day in

public school, for my sanity sake. Having her at home, makes me NUTS. She is

also heavily involved in theater and teaches during the week at private schools

with her director. On top of that, she takes a couple of college courses, and

has since she was 11.

>

> I don't like to say that she is " Gifted " because I don't personally see that

all of this seems very much like a " Gift " with the suffering that has come with

it. -But she is extremely capable in many areas.

>

> My most difficult issue right now as she is a teenager is her desire for more

independence, when she can't even do the simplest things, like wear socks, or

not get filthy from head to toe, or be able to properly clean her bedroom, or

resist snagging a treat that might be on the counter that she isn't supposed to

have. There are so many areas where she is pure instinct, and in so many

others, she surpasses any/all adults.

>

> So, we have enormous conflicts. I have to admit, I am worse than anyone.

Just asking her to do a simple chore like wiping a counter down, brings me to

the point where I have a migraine and feel like I am going to lose my mind.

>

> How do you all get your Asperger's child to do a chore properly? Just simple

things? I suppose all of our kids are different, but with mine, we have never

once been able to get her to do one basic chore correctly, while on the other

hand, she can sit at an instrument she has never played, teach it to herself and

compose songs in one day. Do I just ask nothing of her?? How will she ever be

independent if she can't cover the basics??!!

>

> Soooo tired!!

>

> miriam (we have four children altogether. My Asp. daughter is the oldest)

>

[Guest guest]

Miriam, I know what you mean. These kids unfortunately have

real issues, that is often hard to comprehend because

so many have excellent verbal skills. This is somewhat

terrible to say, but if she is taking care of her own

hygiene consider that a winning day. You will be happier

if you accept her issues, but continue to hope for improvement

rather than expect it.

It is likely that she has clear deficits in organizing, planning

and keeping her attention on boring tasks. She has a disability.

In the future she may need supportive housing in the

community to help her. The main thing is that she

gets into the routine of proper self care (shower, brush teeth,

eat proper food) before she is an adult. Lot of people

live in messy houses for one reason or another. I am

more a neat person myself but I see other family members that

survive in a messy cluttered house.

I hope this helps a little. It is a process for you to, to come

to terms with what this means. Noone wants to accept a limitation

we want to do what we can for our kids, but change happens

thru gradual steps over long periods of time for many of our

kids.

best wishes,

Pam

> > >

> > > Hello, I'm new to this group and at my wit's end. I've been trying to go

at this alone and keep her " label " private so that it doesn't rule her life or

put her in a box, but because people don't know, she is often annoying others..

which hurts me to see, and is bullied by those who think she is just obnoxious.

> > >

> > > I have a really hard time with the idea of telling other children her

age(14) that she has aperger's and ADHD. Kids can take something like that and

become even more cruel with it.. saying that the child is a " mental case " or

just being weirded out by them.

> > >

> > > I do part-time homeschool and have been letting her try two classes a day

in public school, for my sanity sake. Having her at home, makes me NUTS. She

is also heavily involved in theater and teaches during the week at private

schools with her director. On top of that, she takes a couple of college

courses, and has since she was 11.

> > >

> > > I don't like to say that she is " Gifted " because I don't personally see

that all of this seems very much like a " Gift " with the suffering that has come

with it. -But she is extremely capable in many areas.

> > >

> > > My most difficult issue right now as she is a teenager is her desire for

more independence, when she can't even do the simplest things, like wear socks,

or not get filthy from head to toe, or be able to properly clean her bedroom, or

resist snagging a treat that might be on the counter that she isn't supposed to

have. There are so many areas where she is pure instinct, and in so many

others, she surpasses any/all adults.

> > >

> > > So, we have enormous conflicts. I have to admit, I am worse than anyone.

Just asking her to do a simple chore like wiping a counter down, brings me to

the point where I have a migraine and feel like I am going to lose my mind.

> > >

> > > How do you all get your Asperger's child to do a chore properly? Just

simple things? I suppose all of our kids are different, but with mine, we have

never once been able to get her to do one basic chore correctly, while on the

other hand, she can sit at an instrument she has never played, teach it to

herself and compose songs in one day. Do I just ask nothing of her?? How will

she ever be independent if she can't cover the basics??!!

> > >

> > > Soooo tired!!

> > >

> > > miriam (we have four children altogether. My Asp. daughter is the oldest)

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Miriam, I

feel your pain on that one. Completely!

Marina

From: [mailto: ] On Behalf Of amycall45

Sent: Tuesday, December 14, 2010

11:13 AM

Subject: ( ) Re:

needing tips with a pre-THANK YOU!

Pam, yesterday was so hard. I just wanted her to clean

something so simple and as usual, it turned into a nightmare. Most of the time,

I try to accept that she will go nuts if I try and force her to clean something

up the way most would.. even my 7 yr. old can clean something up much better

than she can. - but every once in a while, I just get so frustrated and feel like

if she CARED enough, she would focus and just do one simple thing, correctly. -

and I think I'm also beginning to get more upset because she is older now and

I'm worrying about her future.. seeing as how basic things still are so

drawnout and difficult for her. I go through so many emotions when she is doing

some little thing. Annoyed, exhasperated, angry, fearful, depressed, ballistic,

numb... It used to be so much easier to watch this when she was just a tyke.

miriam

> >

> > Hello, I'm new to this group and at my wit's end. I've been trying to

go at this alone and keep her " label " private so that it doesn't rule

her life or put her in a box, but because people don't know, she is often

annoying others.. which hurts me to see, and is bullied by those who think she

is just obnoxious.

> >

> > I have a really hard time with the idea of telling other children her

age(14) that she has aperger's and ADHD. Kids can take something like that and

become even more cruel with it.. saying that the child is a " mental

case " or just being weirded out by them.

> >

> > I do part-time homeschool and have been letting her try two classes a

day in public school, for my sanity sake. Having her at home, makes me NUTS.

She is also heavily involved in theater and teaches during the week at private

schools with her director. On top of that, she takes a couple of college

courses, and has since she was 11.

> >

> > I don't like to say that she is " Gifted " because I don't

personally see that all of this seems very much like a " Gift " with

the suffering that has come with it. -But she is extremely capable in many

areas.

> >

> > My most difficult issue right now as she is a teenager is her desire

for more independence, when she can't even do the simplest things, like wear

socks, or not get filthy from head to toe, or be able to properly clean her

bedroom, or resist snagging a treat that might be on the counter that she isn't

supposed to have. There are so many areas where she is pure instinct, and in so

many others, she surpasses any/all adults.

> >

> > So, we have enormous conflicts. I have to admit, I am worse than

anyone. Just asking her to do a simple chore like wiping a counter down, brings

me to the point where I have a migraine and feel like I am going to lose my

mind.

> >

> > How do you all get your Asperger's child to do a chore properly? Just

simple things? I suppose all of our kids are different, but with mine, we have

never once been able to get her to do one basic chore correctly, while on the

other hand, she can sit at an instrument she has never played, teach it to

herself and compose songs in one day. Do I just ask nothing of her?? How will

she ever be independent if she can't cover the basics??!!

> >

> > Soooo tired!!

> >

> > miriam (we have four children altogether. My Asp. daughter is the

oldest)

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Marina,

Okay, I'm ON IT!!

THANK YOU!!

miriam

> > > >

> > > > Hello, I'm new to this group and at my wit's end. I've been trying to

> go at this alone and keep her " label " private so that it doesn't rule her

> life or put her in a box, but because people don't know, she is often

> annoying others.. which hurts me to see, and is bullied by those who think

> she is just obnoxious.

> > > >

> > > > I have a really hard time with the idea of telling other children her

> age(14) that she has aperger's and ADHD. Kids can take something like that

> and become even more cruel with it.. saying that the child is a " mental case "

> or just being weirded out by them.

> > > >

> > > > I do part-time homeschool and have been letting her try two classes a

> day in public school, for my sanity sake. Having her at home, makes me NUTS.

> She is also heavily involved in theater and teaches during the week at

> private schools with her director. On top of that, she takes a couple of

> college courses, and has since she was 11.

> > > >

> > > > I don't like to say that she is " Gifted " because I don't personally see

> that all of this seems very much like a " Gift " with the suffering that has

> come with it. -But she is extremely capable in many areas.

> > > >

> > > > My most difficult issue right now as she is a teenager is her desire

> for more independence, when she can't even do the simplest things, like wear

> socks, or not get filthy from head to toe, or be able to properly clean her

> bedroom, or resist snagging a treat that might be on the counter that she

> isn't supposed to have. There are so many areas where she is pure instinct,

> and in so many others, she surpasses any/all adults.

> > > >

> > > > So, we have enormous conflicts. I have to admit, I am worse than

> anyone. Just asking her to do a simple chore like wiping a counter down,

> brings me to the point where I have a migraine and feel like I am going to

> lose my mind.

> > > >

> > > > How do you all get your Asperger's child to do a chore properly? Just

> simple things? I suppose all of our kids are different, but with mine, we

> have never once been able to get her to do one basic chore correctly, while

> on the other hand, she can sit at an instrument she has never played, teach

> it to herself and compose songs in one day. Do I just ask nothing of her??

> How will she ever be independent if she can't cover the basics??!!

> > > >

> > > > Soooo tired!!

> > > >

> > > > miriam (we have four children altogether. My Asp. daughter is the

> oldest)

> > > >

> > >

> >

>