How Should I Feel About This?????

[Guest guest]

So I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. This is the 3rd trip we have

taken together (spring break). The last 2 have been stressful (actually,

anytime I take my son on vacation or in public for that matter, it is

stressful). I usually end up crying and upset with him at some point. It

started out that way Friday, as my son was just being loud and rude. He started

out great, but things gradually went down hill. Anyway, I told him that night I

was sad and upset, and he actually seemed to be getting it. Prior, I wasn't so

sure. I know it's not easy walking in to this situation with my son and his

AS....and honestly I still struggle to understand. So, he even comments the

next morning about how vacations are hard for him cause everything is different,

and how he understands now why I refer to home as a safe place for him, and so

on...........I'm really thinking at this point he is getting it and maybe we

could figure all this out (I believe this is the big thing holding us

back.....I'm not sure how he is going to be with my son).

However, by today (our trip started on Friday), I'm not so sure how to feel. We

were both pretty stressed out by today when my 8 year old son decided to make a

big deal about pushing the elevator buttons with his 11 year old son. They were

both kind of bickering about it, but of course, mine was doing it very loudly.

Finally, my boyfriend yelled, " that's enough " , but only to my son. Mind you, my

son was hogging the elevator and being very loud, but I sometimes feel mad when

he yells at my son (this is only the second time he has raised his voice to my

son). I do it, cause he pushes you to that. If his Dad did it, I wouldn't be

upset. But when it's my boyfriend, I'm upset. I think part of it is I'm

jealous of his " perfect " son. In my eyes, he is the perfect child. He is quiet

and compliant. He is pretty much afraid to argue or voice his opinion, even

when he probably should. Then you have my child who wasn't quiet the entire

weekend unless he was asleep (well, he did have some good moments, but I don't

feel anyone sees those). I feel horrible, cause I know how my son is wearing on

my nerves, so he has to be wearing on everyone elses. My boyfriend did comment

once that I hold him to a higher standard than everyone else when it comes to my

son, and I suppose that is kind of true. I just don't know how to feel. I find

myself thinking I should just let him go, and do him the favor. After all, who

is going to want to live in my stressful situation 24/7? I've also started to

notice every time we travel....I get headaches. I sometimes get sinus

headaches, and blamed them on that....but know I'm thinking they are stress. I

get sooooooooooooo stressed worrying about my son bothering my boyfriend and his

son. I should be able to be comfortable around them, but I'm not.

Then I start thinking dating is impossible with an autistic child. I want him

to love my son the way I do and help him (which he does try), but that is

probably pretty unrealistic since he is not his Dad. I want us to be able to do

things happily as a family, but I feel like it is them and us when we are on

vacation. He does things with his son, and I am left behind with my son whining

that he is hot or his legs are too tired...................................

I spent half the day trying not to break out in tears. I don't know why I even

try to do these things with him. Then again.....my boyfriend said on

Friday..... " don't you want to take him and let him experience things " . All the

way home tonight, my son was talking about how this was the best vacation ever.

He was telling his Dad about every single detail (and I mean every single

detail....what the walls looked like, the name of the waiter, etc., lol) of the

whole trip. We hardly talked at all on the 3 hour drive home, but my boyfriend

looked at me and smiled when he said all that....................

Seems to me when you are single with an autistic child you are doomed to stay

that way........and I really want to finish my family (he is my only child).

Some days I am so mad at my ex for leaving us when he was only 9 months......I

didn't chose for things to be this way and I just really want to have a pity

party for us today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!