Re: To - How Should I Feel About This?????

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Your boyfriend sounds like a good catch to me. He yelled once? I don't think that means you should write him off. As a single mom of 2 (my 13-yr-old has Aspergers; my 8-yr-old is NT), I agree that it's hard to date, but it sure sounds like he's trying to be understanding and accommodating. As we both know, kids (not just kids with Aspergers, any of them!) do not come with handbooks but our love for them helps us get through the tough times. Your boyfriend doesn't have that same level of love for your son, but that doesn't mean he doesn't give you what you need. Honestly, ask yourself if your boyfriend is good for YOU. If he makes you happy, that's most important, in some ways. He's not going to make you happy if he doesn't treat your son well, but it really doesn't sound like that's the case, given what you mentioned in your email.

I would LOVE to have a special someone in my life right now. My last boyfriend didn't work out b/c our manners and ways of thinking about a few key issues were just not on the same wavelength. Add that to him not getting along with my son very well after a couple of meetings, and I broke it off. He yelled at my son the second time we all hung out! I think he was trying to step in and help me b/c he could see how much extra parenting was needed at times with Dylan, but he just didn't get it. He was more old-school in terms of parenting and the nuances of what D needed just flew right over his head. My daughter loved my boyfriend though. I mean, they hit it off beautifully. I think it was harder for me to break up with him b/c of than b/c of my own feelings. But I already knew we were headed for a breakup before the yelling

incident (including mild profanities) over a situation my boyfriend just misunderstood.

Guess my summary is that it sounds like your boyfriend is trying to be understanding. If he gets frustrated at times, I really don't think it's grounds for breaking up with him. If he's talking with you about things, keep talking and work it out. You mention breaking up with him "to do him a favor" but I think you're selling yourself short with this statement. You've been going out with each other for 2 years now. That says a lot in terms of how he feels about you and how he's able to manage your son's behavior. Have you ever thought about the two of them going and doing something together alone? Maybe that would help both of them understand the other more and relate to each other on their own terms. Sure sounds like it's worth a shot.

Hang in there, mama!

"Over-optimism is waiting for you ship to come in when you haven't sent one out."

From: Christiansen <cathychristiansen84@...> Sent: Mon, April 12, 2010 9:00:39 AMSubject: Re: ( ) How Should I Feel About This?????

My husband is Aspergers and My mom had a boyfriend (Dick is his real name) with 3 others kids when I was 9. I hated when Dick would disapline me. even using a firm voice sent me spinning. who was he? he was an outsider taking my mom's time away from me and making her cry sometimes. She never told him not to she wanted him to. she thought I needed a dad to put me in my place. I will never do that to my children and to be real honest from the years of verbal abuse I went through I would NEVER allow another man around my child except her real dad. We are married now but if something happened I would be single and that is ok too. You do not have to have a man and be a great parent. You can be a great single mom. If you don't put a lot of pressure on dating maybe some one nice will come in your life who compliments it and doesn't complicate it. this relationship sounds like

it needs a break. By the way you should put your son to a higher standard I do that with my autistic daughter too. I try to be firm but I will break the rules because she needs some extra love. You will know what to do. You probably already do.

From: GINA K <gina9431verizon (DOT) net>Subject: ( ) How Should I Feel About This????? Date: Sunday, April 11, 2010, 7:45 PM

So I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. This is the 3rd trip we have taken together (spring break). The last 2 have been stressful (actually, anytime I take my son on vacation or in public for that matter, it is stressful). I usually end up crying and upset with him at some point. It started out that way Friday, as my son was just being loud and rude. He started out great, but things gradually went down hill. Anyway, I told him that night I was sad and upset, and he actually seemed to be getting it. Prior, I wasn't so sure. I know it's not easy walking in to this situation with my son and his AS....and honestly I still struggle to understand. So, he even comments the next morning about how vacations are hard for him cause everything is different, and how he understands now why I refer to home as a safe place for him, and so on.......... .I'm really thinking at this point he is getting it and maybe we could figure all this out (I believe

this is the big thing holding us back.....I'm not sure how he is going to be with my son).However, by today (our trip started on Friday), I'm not so sure how to feel. We were both pretty stressed out by today when my 8 year old son decided to make a big deal about pushing the elevator buttons with his 11 year old son. They were both kind of bickering about it, but of course, mine was doing it very loudly. Finally, my boyfriend yelled, "that's enough", but only to my son. Mind you, my son was hogging the elevator and being very loud, but I sometimes feel mad when he yells at my son (this is only the second time he has raised his voice to my son). I do it, cause he pushes you to that. If his Dad did it, I wouldn't be upset. But when it's my boyfriend, I'm upset. I think part of it is I'm jealous of his "perfect" son. In my eyes, he is the perfect child. He is quiet and compliant. He is pretty much afraid to argue or voice his opinion, even when he

probably should. Then you have my child who wasn't quiet the entire weekend unless he was asleep (well, he did have some good moments, but I don't feel anyone sees those). I feel horrible, cause I know how my son is wearing on my nerves, so he has to be wearing on everyone elses. My boyfriend did comment once that I hold him to a higher standard than everyone else when it comes to my son, and I suppose that is kind of true. I just don't know how to feel. I find myself thinking I should just let him go, and do him the favor. After all, who is going to want to live in my stressful situation 24/7? I've also started to notice every time we travel....I get headaches. I sometimes get sinus headaches, and blamed them on that....but know I'm thinking they are stress. I get sooooooooooooo stressed worrying about my son bothering my boyfriend and his son. I should be able to be comfortable around them, but I'm not.Then I start thinking dating is

impossible with an autistic child. I want him to love my son the way I do and help him (which he does try), but that is probably pretty unrealistic since he is not his Dad. I want us to be able to do things happily as a family, but I feel like it is them and us when we are on vacation. He does things with his son, and I am left behind with my son whining that he is hot or his legs are too tired....... ......... ......... ......... .I spent half the day trying not to break out in tears. I don't know why I even try to do these things with him. Then again.....my boyfriend said on Friday....." don't you want to take him and let him experience things". All the way home tonight, my son was talking about how this was the best vacation ever. He was telling his Dad about every single detail (and I mean every single detail....what the walls looked like, the name of the waiter, etc., lol) of the whole trip. We hardly talked at all on the 3 hour drive home,

but my boyfriend looked at me and smiled when he said all that........ ......... ...Seems to me when you are single with an autistic child you are doomed to stay that way........and I really want to finish my family (he is my only child). Some days I am so mad at my ex for leaving us when he was only 9 months...... I didn't chose for things to be this way and I just really want to have a pity party for us today!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!