Re: I unplugged my kids--inappropriate texting

[Guest guest]

hi jan-

i found your discussion about your son's inappropriate texting interesting.

very recently, about 2 weeks ago, my 12 yo aspie daughter was texting with 14 yo

boy from her social group. we do not know what his diagnosis is except that he

needs a social group. she has known this boy for 8 months and agreed to

exchange numbers. he had been texting her for about 4 days when one night he

started the inappropriate texting of a sexual nature--it was graphic and

shocking to her and myself. i won't get into the details about how we all

responded except to say we were all sickened and shocked. but after reading

your comments i am wondering if this boy is not as outrageous as we all

believed. that maybe many boys do this to girls (as young as 12)? is that the

impression your son gave you?

regards, melody

>

>

> From: r_woman2 <me2ruth@...>

> Subject: ( ) I unplugged my kids

>

> Date: Saturday, July 18, 2009, 1:45 PM

>

>

>  

>

>

>

> Well, I've had enough guys. Actually, I didn't totally unplug my kids. On

weekends and evenings, no computer and no TV until after supper. I work, and it

is my husband's business what he wants to do weekdays.

>

> We've always limited our kids computer time, and we've never bought them game

stations of any kind, but it just didn't work. We initially started letting them

use the computer quite a bit when they were young because they were doing things

we considered healthy. One used to do computer art and one used to do a lot of

creative writing on the computer. They both used to do searches on topics that

interested them. But the last couple of years, it has sort of degenerated into

not much but internet game playing. They are very addicted. Even though we limit

their time, they just live for their oomputer turns, and the time off the

computer they want to spend vegging in front of the TV or sleeping. They spend

all their allowance on online computer game subscriptions. The NT one used to be

very social, but he isn't anymore--at least not outside school hours.

>

> Pretty creepy huh? My husband and I are getting very creeped out anyway, and

sad. I sat there in bed last night, having gotten woken up, listening to them

discuss whose turn ended when, and it hit me that this was crazy. There is just

no excuse for me letting this go on. You know how the truth sometimes hits you

very hard in the middle of the night? Fourteen is way to young for life to start

passing you by.

>

> So, I told my kids that today is the first day of the rest of their lives. One

asked me what he was going to do--I told him that is up to him; I can't live his

life for him.

>

> I'm glad I have the experience of one of my boys friend's mother. They had a

daughter in gymnastics. At age 10, her coaches informed them that they wanted

them to sign her up for 30 hours of practice/lessons per week. It was a wakeup

call to them. They decided this was way too unbalanced a life and took her out

of gymnastics. What I'm thinking about is what the girl herself said. She said

the first year out of gymnastics was very hard. She wasn't used to having any

free time. She had no life. She said it took her a full year to really adjust,

make friends, find things to do with herself, build a life. She learned a hard

lesson young. Anyway, point being, I know it will take my boys some to get it

together. I'm not expecting instant results.

>

> But I feel a huge relief, knowing I am doing the right thing.

>

> Anybody else been through this?

>

[Guest guest]

I am more afraid of what my aspie boy will do than I am afraid of my aspie daughter getting into trouble. The aspie boys can't look too long, touch anything with any hint of inappropriateness, have little kids sit on their lap, etc. Thank god my son isn't there yet at all mentally or emotionally, but it scares the crap out of me. My son is 13, daughter is 9.

A few years ago my son would inappropriately slap people in a friendly way on the behind while playing. Just every once in a while if rough housing. It dawned on me at the time that we needed to forbid that behavior ever, as I could see it at 15 if he happened to do this to a girl or someones mother, and we made it with a consequence of one entire day of loss of all electronics. That was our "big" consequence at the time and it worked. But there are those subtle ways the boys can screw up that you can't even think of...... UGH.

Girls can get away with much more mistakes, as long as they don't end up in a dangerous situation.....

( ) I unplugged my kids> > Date: Saturday, July 18, 2009, 1:45 PM> > > > > > > Well, I've had enough guys. Actually, I didn't totally unplug my kids. On weekends and evenings, no computer and no TV until after supper. I work, and it is my husband's business what he wants to do weekdays.> > We've always limited our kids computer time, and we've never bought them game stations of any kind, but it just didn't work. We initially started letting them use the computer quite a bit when they were young because they were doing things we considered healthy. One used to do computer art and one used to do a lot of creative writing on the computer. They both used to do searches on topics that interested them. But the last couple of years, it has sort of degenerated into not much but internet game playing. They are very addicted. Even though we limit their time, they just live for their oomputer turns, and the time off the computer they want to spend vegging in front of the TV or sleeping. They spend all their allowance on online computer game subscriptions. The NT one used to be very social, but he isn't anymore--at least not outside school hours.> > Pretty creepy huh? My husband and I are getting very creeped out anyway, and sad. I sat there in bed last night, having gotten woken up, listening to them discuss whose turn ended when, and it hit me that this was crazy. There is just no excuse for me letting this go on. You know how the truth sometimes hits you very hard in the middle of the night? Fourteen is way to young for life to start passing you by.> > So, I told my kids that today is the first day of the rest of their lives. One asked me what he was going to do--I told him that is up to him; I can't live his life for him.> > I'm glad I have the experience of one of my boys friend's mother. They had a daughter in gymnastics. At age 10, her coaches informed them that they wanted them to sign her up for 30 hours of practice/lessons per week. It was a wakeup call to them. They decided this was way too unbalanced a life and took her out of gymnastics. What I'm thinking about is what the girl herself said. She said the first year out of gymnastics was very hard. She wasn't used to having any free time. She had no life. She said it took her a full year to really adjust, make friends, find things to do with herself, build a life. She learned a hard lesson young. Anyway, point being, I know it will take my boys some to get it together. I'm not expecting instant results.> > But I feel a huge relief, knowing I am doing the right thing.> > Anybody else been through this?>

[Guest guest]

Melody....

I can't say all boys ...but I think as a generation...YES! This is so frightening...no morals, no inhibitions. I beleive a large part is due to TV, cell phones (texting), and computers. There is too much underlying sex out there...even on the general family shows. And, the ads...OMG. The internet...forget it....it is everywhere. And, our children, don't realize the inappropritateness of it. I am so afriad of the future for my son. I see some parent calling or coming to my house. And, now kids are sextexting...I tried to explain how illegal it is and how the police get involved. We had a case a few months ago...and if you get the photo and forward it ...you are also involved and can be charged. I don't think these kids get it.

Everything is UNREAL ...think about it...do you think that boy would have said those things to your daughter face to face? No, I doubt it. Texting gives the kids the power to say anything they want...even if it is inappropropriate. Years ago, boys probably had those thoughts, but they kept them to theirselves. But in today's age ....sex is loose and everywhere...everything is Sexual....so I think todays' kids are more sex oriented and loose about it. And, texting has contributed to this tremendously.

I know part of my problem is thta I let my son hand out with this 18 year old. I found out he and his pals joke around way too much. Everything is "funny" to them. And they have been cruel...to some girls....texting and spreading rumors. They are too vulgar and don't care who sees them or what. I told my son...he can't not go over there anymore. It is a shame because my son really likes this kid and they talked about death as he lost his mom and my son lost Poppy.

The kids are all doing this...it is just that our kids don't know how to handle it and what to do with it. The other kids can get away with it but our get caught because they don't know how to be as sneaky as the others. It has always been this way for our kids. I'll never forget the time his teacher as him if he went to lunch detention...instead of lying and saying Yes as most kids would have...he said NO, I forgot (the truth).

From now on we are going to check everything...and the part I mentioned to my son...this is why we ask you questions...my son gets angry all the time ..he says we ask too many questions. I tried to explain...this is why we do...and we love you and want to make sure you are safe and appropriate...I told him we don't want the police at the door.

All this is too much for me....I think I might crack if this happens. And, the girls. they get away with a lot. The girls that were bothering my son in December ...would get him in trouble all the time. They could do things and get away with it...but they tattled on my son all the time.

I think I may go to Borders and check out the books again...get one for me to read and one for my son...and part of the consequences, I will make him read it or I will read it to him.

Praying that God will protect us and guide us in the right direction. Praying that God will give me the strength to handle this situation and guide my son through all this.

very sad and depressed...

jan

Janice Rushen

"I will try to be open to all avenues of wisdom and hope"

From: Melody <mkalomiris@...>Subject: ( ) Re: I unplugged my kids--inappropriate texting Date: Saturday, July 18, 2009, 10:40 PM

hi jan-i found your discussion about your son's inappropriate texting interesting. very recently, about 2 weeks ago, my 12 yo aspie daughter was texting with 14 yo boy from her social group. we do not know what his diagnosis is except that he needs a social group. she has known this boy for 8 months and agreed to exchange numbers. he had been texting her for about 4 days when one night he started the inappropriate texting of a sexual nature--it was graphic and shocking to her and myself. i won't get into the details about how we all responded except to say we were all sickened and shocked. but after reading your comments i am wondering if this boy is not as outrageous as we all believed. that maybe many boys do this to girls (as young as 12)? is that the impression your son gave you?regards, melody > > > From: r_woman2 <me2ruth@... >>

Subject: ( ) I unplugged my kids> > Date: Saturday, July 18, 2009, 1:45 PM> > > > > > > Well, I've had enough guys. Actually, I didn't totally unplug my kids. On weekends and evenings, no computer and no TV until after supper. I work, and it is my husband's business what he wants to do weekdays.> > We've always limited our kids computer time, and we've never bought them game stations of any kind, but it just didn't work. We initially started letting them use the computer quite a bit when they were young because they were doing things we considered healthy. One used to do computer art and one used to do a lot of creative writing on the computer. They

both used to do searches on topics that interested them. But the last couple of years, it has sort of degenerated into not much but internet game playing. They are very addicted. Even though we limit their time, they just live for their oomputer turns, and the time off the computer they want to spend vegging in front of the TV or sleeping. They spend all their allowance on online computer game subscriptions. The NT one used to be very social, but he isn't anymore--at least not outside school hours.> > Pretty creepy huh? My husband and I are getting very creeped out anyway, and sad. I sat there in bed last night, having gotten woken up, listening to them discuss whose turn ended when, and it hit me that this was crazy. There is just no excuse for me letting this go on. You know how the truth sometimes hits you very hard in the middle of the night? Fourteen is way to young for life to start passing you by.> > So, I told my kids

that today is the first day of the rest of their lives. One asked me what he was going to do--I told him that is up to him; I can't live his life for him.> > I'm glad I have the experience of one of my boys friend's mother. They had a daughter in gymnastics. At age 10, her coaches informed them that they wanted them to sign her up for 30 hours of practice/lessons per week. It was a wakeup call to them. They decided this was way too unbalanced a life and took her out of gymnastics. What I'm thinking about is what the girl herself said. She said the first year out of gymnastics was very hard. She wasn't used to having any free time. She had no life. She said it took her a full year to really adjust, make friends, find things to do with herself, build a life. She learned a hard lesson young. Anyway, point being, I know it will take my boys some to get it together. I'm not expecting instant results.> > But I feel a huge relief,

knowing I am doing the right thing.> > Anybody else been through this?>

[Guest guest]

Debra,

My son is 13 1/2....going on 18 at times and acts 7 at times. This is scaring me and depressing me. How could I be raising a son that would text inappropriate things to a girl...and then he says "I was only kidding". Texting gives them the "power" to say what ever they want. ...same thing with the computer (my space). We had talked to my son about how kids are getting into trouble and the police get involved. We had a case where a girl sent a picture of herself naked to her boyfriend and he passed it on and it was passed all around. The police got involved and took everyone's cell phones. This is scaring me so much ...I just want it all to go away. I am so embarrassed.....this is not the kid I raised.

saddened greatly

jan

Janice Rushen

"I will try to be open to all avenues of wisdom and hope"

From: Debra Balke <dlbalke@...>Subject: Re: ( ) Re: I unplugged my kids--inappropriate texting Date: Sunday, July 19, 2009, 12:31 AM

I am more afraid of what my aspie boy will do than I am afraid of my aspie daughter getting into trouble. The aspie boys can't look too long, touch anything with any hint of inappropriateness, have little kids sit on their lap, etc. Thank god my son isn't there yet at all mentally or emotionally, but it scares the crap out of me. My son is 13, daughter is 9.

A few years ago my son would inappropriately slap people in a friendly way on the behind while playing. Just every once in a while if rough housing. It dawned on me at the time that we needed to forbid that behavior ever, as I could see it at 15 if he happened to do this to a girl or someones mother, and we made it with a consequence of one entire day of loss of all electronics. That was our "big" consequence at the time and it worked. But there are those subtle ways the boys can screw up that you can't even think of...... UGH.

Girls can get away with much more mistakes, as long as they don't end up in a dangerous situation... ..

( ) I unplugged my kids> > Date: Saturday, July 18, 2009, 1:45 PM> > > > > > > Well, I've had enough guys. Actually, I didn't totally unplug my kids. On weekends and evenings, no computer and no TV until after supper. I work, and it is my husband's business what he wants to do weekdays.> > We've always limited our kids computer time, and we've never bought them game stations of any kind, but it just didn't work. We initially started letting them use the computer quite a bit when they were young because they were doing things we considered healthy. One used to do computer art and one used to do a lot of creative writing on the computer. They

both used to do searches on topics that interested them. But the last couple of years, it has sort of degenerated into not much but internet game playing. They are very addicted. Even though we limit their time, they just live for their oomputer turns, and the time off the computer they want to spend vegging in front of the TV or sleeping. They spend all their allowance on online computer game subscriptions. The NT one used to be very social, but he isn't anymore--at least not outside school hours.> > Pretty creepy huh? My husband and I are getting very creeped out anyway, and sad. I sat there in bed last night, having gotten woken up, listening to them discuss whose turn ended when, and it hit me that this was crazy. There is just no excuse for me letting this go on. You know how the truth sometimes hits you very hard in the middle of the night? Fourteen is way to young for life to start passing you by.> > So, I told my kids

that today is the first day of the rest of their lives. One asked me what he was going to do--I told him that is up to him; I can't live his life for him.> > I'm glad I have the experience of one of my boys friend's mother. They had a daughter in gymnastics. At age 10, her coaches informed them that they wanted them to sign her up for 30 hours of practice/lessons per week. It was a wakeup call to them. They decided this was way too unbalanced a life and took her out of gymnastics. What I'm thinking about is what the girl herself said. She said the first year out of gymnastics was very hard. She wasn't used to having any free time. She had no life. She said it took her a full year to really adjust, make friends, find things to do with herself, build a life. She learned a hard lesson young. Anyway, point being, I know it will take my boys some to get it together. I'm not expecting instant results.> > But I feel a huge relief,

knowing I am doing the right thing.> > Anybody else been through this?>

[Guest guest]

I'm just going to throw this out there, I read from a psychologist that when boys are not physically challenged, they will find other physical outlets for their "frustrations" (ie: sexual). Is there something he would like to be involved in that requires quite a bit of physical exertion? Rowing, casual basketball, track, soccer, hockey? Also, what about a private blog? He can write what he wants (like a modern day journal heehee) but you can make it so it's accessible only to him. That way he gets "computer time" but it's getting out the thoughts in his head. He may balk at first but I think after a bit it might help him. Good for you who said originally they unplugged their kids. We did this and found an extreme improvement in behavior, family involvement, creativity and physical exercise (my boys like

pilates/yoga). Good luck!! ConnieFrom: rushen janice <jrushen@...>Subject: Re: ( ) Re: I unplugged my kids--inappropriate texting Date: Sunday, July 19, 2009, 7:28 AM

Debra,

My son is 13 1/2....going on 18 at times and acts 7 at times. This is scaring me and depressing me. How could I be raising a son that would text inappropriate things to a girl...and then he says "I was only kidding". Texting gives them the "power" to say what ever they want. ...same thing with the computer (my space). We had talked to my son about how kids are getting into trouble and the police get involved. We had a case where a girl sent a picture of herself naked to her boyfriend and he passed it on and it was passed all around. The police got involved and took everyone's cell phones. This is scaring me so much ...I just want it all to go away. I am so embarrassed. ....this is not the kid I raised.

saddened greatly

jan

Janice Rushen

"I will try to be open to all avenues of wisdom and hope"

[Guest guest]

Good ideas ...thank you...so much....

Janice Rushen

"I will try to be open to all avenues of wisdom and hope"

From: rushen janice <jrushen (DOT) com>Subject: Re: ( ) Re: I unplugged my kids--inappropriate texting Date: Sunday, July 19, 2009, 7:28 AM

Debra,

My son is 13 1/2....going on 18 at times and acts 7 at times. This is scaring me and depressing me. How could I be raising a son that would text inappropriate things to a girl...and then he says "I was only kidding". Texting gives them the "power" to say what ever they want. ...same thing with the computer (my space). We had talked to my son about how kids are getting into trouble and the police get involved. We had a case where a girl sent a picture of herself naked to her boyfriend and he passed it on and it was passed all around. The police got involved and took everyone's cell phones. This is scaring me so much ...I just want it all to go away. I am so embarrassed. ....this is not the kid I raised.

saddened greatly

jan

Janice Rushen

"I will try to be open to all avenues of wisdom and hope"