Re: Re: Parents Feeling Constant Guilt/Depression

[Guest guest]

I am new to the group my son is 15 and had Aspergers and ADHD. He goes to a computer camp over the summer. This year he is going for 4 weeks. He is also going to a tech HS for computers. He lives going to tech and to the camp. He is doing pretty good accademically too but he hasn't always...Sent via DROID on Verizon Wireless ( ) Parents Feeling Constant Guilt/Depression> >   > I only have my 9 year old son and I am constantly feeling jealous and angry that > my only son is so awkward.......and feel soooooooooooooooo guilty for feeling > that way. Maybe if I had more kids it wouldn't bother me so much........maybe he > would have built in friends. Now he has nobody. He is not getting along with > others at school.....has pretty much no friends in the neighborhood besides the > 4 year old boy next door (his 6 yo sister just announced today that she hates my > son......she actually would play with him last summer). He begs me constantly to > go play with kids, but doesn't get that they do not like him. I don't want him > getting hurt (he has come home crying numerous times over things kids have > said/done at school) and am trying to protect him, but he makes my life > miserable if I say no! He is so defiant and has been getting really angry. He > pushes me to where I am screaming and yelling at him.........then I put him to > bed at night and cry because I feel like the worst mother on earth. I have very > little patience with him, because I never get a break. I have very little time > where he is not being difficult, so I never get to build up any patience.> > I know I want what others have with their children, but I do.......it is just > not that simple! Why were we chosen for this? Why does my son get to endure such > a hard life and why do I not get to enjoy parenting? I want to watch my son play > sports without worry about him being a bad sport and embarrassing me or tripping > because he is so awkward. I want him to be known as a nice boy by > teachers......I'm sure they all can't wait to get him out of their class. I want > others to look at me like I've done a great job teaching my son respect and see > the hard work I put in......but instead I get dirty looks and get told I should > take a parenting class. It's not fair that teenagers and uninvolved parents have > well behaved, athletic children.....yet do nothing with them. I have spent so > much time trying to teach my son to throw a ball......yet my 3 year old niece > can probably throw better. Then again, she would probably stay at it > longer......my son would get a leg cramp or have trouble breathing after 30 > seconds! He couldn't even ride his bike around the block because the seat hurt > him butt!!!! I think I have raised the wimpiest child ever!> > And I hate feeling these things about my own child. I feel like it is my sole > job to make sure he feels loved and special because nobody is going to > understand him......heck I don't even understand him. and when I think about the > future it scares me cause I know this is only going to get worse. Kids are going > to get meaner and he is going to stand out more and more as he gets older. Will > he ever have any friends? What if he can't hold a job because he has anger > issues and has such rigid thinking that he will not listen to anyone else. He > thinks he is always right now....which is starting to be reflected in his > grades. He thinks he is right even if the text book clearly states the answer > and he will argue to no end with me about it.> > Is there any hope? Will meds help the defiant behavior and social issues? We > have tried meds before, but he has pretty much every side effect under the sun. > I work so hard to help him but some days feel like giving in. He gave me such a > hard time about his homework tonight I told him he could take it to school > incomplete and get an F. He has had quite of few zeros this year for not > completing work. I have worked my butt off to fight with the teacher to get him > credit for work and to make up work, but he will just sit there and not do a > thing but stare in to space and flat out tell me he is not doing it. Why do I > care anymore? If it were not for me fighting for him constantly, he would have > terrible grades. I just feel like giving up and letting him do whatever he wants > to do so my life can be easier. It just seems like he is going to struggle no > matter what..............>

[Guest guest]

I can relate to your feelings! I am sure you are doing the very best you can possibly do. Sounds like you are a wonderful mom. I teach middle school and constantly see children. Many times I wonder why my daughter can't be like the rest of the kids, but then I take a closer look -- they all has issues in some way or another. But I still wish my daughter's issues were more like theirs......... it hurts.

From: d_starrs12 <d_starrs12@...> Sent: Sun, March 20, 2011 2:02:44 PMSubject: ( ) Re: Parents Feeling Constant Guilt/Depression

Girlfriend, I'm sending a big hug your way. <<<<BIG HUG>>>>You just hang in there, keep loving your son, and remember that no child is perfect, even the ones that appear to be. Don't let their mama's fool you. >> I only have my 9 year old son and I am constantly feeling jealous and angry that my only son is so awkward.......and feel soooooooooooooooo guilty for feeling that way. Maybe if I had more kids it wouldn't bother me so much........maybe he would have built in friends. Now he has nobody. He is not getting along with others at school.....has pretty much no friends in the neighborhood besides the 4 year old boy next door (his 6 yo sister just announced today that she hates my

son......she actually would play with him last summer). He begs me constantly to go play with kids, but doesn't get that they do not like him. I don't want him getting hurt (he has come home crying numerous times over things kids have said/done at school) and am trying to protect him, but he makes my life miserable if I say no! He is so defiant and has been getting really angry. He pushes me to where I am screaming and yelling at him.........then I put him to bed at night and cry because I feel like the worst mother on earth. I have very little patience with him, because I never get a break. I have very little time where he is not being difficult, so I never get to build up any patience.> > I know I want what others have with their children, but I do.......it is just not that simple! Why were we chosen for this? Why does my son get to endure such a hard life and why do I not get to enjoy parenting? I want to watch my son play sports

without worry about him being a bad sport and embarrassing me or tripping because he is so awkward. I want him to be known as a nice boy by teachers......I'm sure they all can't wait to get him out of their class. I want others to look at me like I've done a great job teaching my son respect and see the hard work I put in......but instead I get dirty looks and get told I should take a parenting class. It's not fair that teenagers and uninvolved parents have well behaved, athletic children.....yet do nothing with them. I have spent so much time trying to teach my son to throw a ball......yet my 3 year old niece can probably throw better. Then again, she would probably stay at it longer......my son would get a leg cramp or have trouble breathing after 30 seconds! He couldn't even ride his bike around the block because the seat hurt him butt!!!! I think I have raised the wimpiest child ever!> > And I hate feeling these things about my own

child. I feel like it is my sole job to make sure he feels loved and special because nobody is going to understand him......heck I don't even understand him. and when I think about the future it scares me cause I know this is only going to get worse. Kids are going to get meaner and he is going to stand out more and more as he gets older. Will he ever have any friends? What if he can't hold a job because he has anger issues and has such rigid thinking that he will not listen to anyone else. He thinks he is always right now....which is starting to be reflected in his grades. He thinks he is right even if the text book clearly states the answer and he will argue to no end with me about it.> > Is there any hope? Will meds help the defiant behavior and social issues? We have tried meds before, but he has pretty much every side effect under the sun. I work so hard to help him but some days feel like giving in. He gave me such a hard time about

his homework tonight I told him he could take it to school incomplete and get an F. He has had quite of few zeros this year for not completing work. I have worked my butt off to fight with the teacher to get him credit for work and to make up work, but he will just sit there and not do a thing but stare in to space and flat out tell me he is not doing it. Why do I care anymore? If it were not for me fighting for him constantly, he would have terrible grades. I just feel like giving up and letting him do whatever he wants to do so my life can be easier. It just seems like he is going to struggle no matter what..............>

[Guest guest]

It helped us SO much to change everything in our environment.  We started homeschooling and having " success " every day this way.  We stopped any neurotypical sporting attempt and started special olympics.  In this environment our son was very successful, happy with himself, pleased to be helping others who were less able.  It really helped to put things all into perspective.  Birthday parties with non-typically developing peers were fun, enjoyable, and there were parents to socialize with.  We would set up parallel play types of events and if there was some interaction, fine.  Once we gave up trying to be " normal " life was fun again and I didn't envy the typically developing folks.  You need a new " peer group " for yourself.  You need to see the successful aspies of the world and hang out with THEM and THEIR kids.  You would be so much happier.  Join an autism support group, autism playgroup, etc. if you can find one.    

On Sun, Mar 20, 2011 at 11:02 AM, d_starrs12 <d_starrs12@...> wrote:

 

Girlfriend, I'm sending a big hug your way. <<<<BIG HUG>>>>

You just hang in there, keep loving your son, and remember that no child is perfect, even the ones that appear to be. Don't let their mama's fool you.

>

> I only have my 9 year old son and I am constantly feeling jealous and angry that my only son is so awkward.......and feel soooooooooooooooo guilty for feeling that way. Maybe if I had more kids it wouldn't bother me so much........maybe he would have built in friends. Now he has nobody. He is not getting along with others at school.....has pretty much no friends in the neighborhood besides the 4 year old boy next door (his 6 yo sister just announced today that she hates my son......she actually would play with him last summer). He begs me constantly to go play with kids, but doesn't get that they do not like him. I don't want him getting hurt (he has come home crying numerous times over things kids have said/done at school) and am trying to protect him, but he makes my life miserable if I say no! He is so defiant and has been getting really angry. He pushes me to where I am screaming and yelling at him.........then I put him to bed at night and cry because I feel like the worst mother on earth. I have very little patience with him, because I never get a break. I have very little time where he is not being difficult, so I never get to build up any patience.

>

> I know I want what others have with their children, but I do.......it is just not that simple! Why were we chosen for this? Why does my son get to endure such a hard life and why do I not get to enjoy parenting? I want to watch my son play sports without worry about him being a bad sport and embarrassing me or tripping because he is so awkward. I want him to be known as a nice boy by teachers......I'm sure they all can't wait to get him out of their class. I want others to look at me like I've done a great job teaching my son respect and see the hard work I put in......but instead I get dirty looks and get told I should take a parenting class. It's not fair that teenagers and uninvolved parents have well behaved, athletic children.....yet do nothing with them. I have spent so much time trying to teach my son to throw a ball......yet my 3 year old niece can probably throw better. Then again, she would probably stay at it longer......my son would get a leg cramp or have trouble breathing after 30 seconds! He couldn't even ride his bike around the block because the seat hurt him butt!!!! I think I have raised the wimpiest child ever!

>

> And I hate feeling these things about my own child. I feel like it is my sole job to make sure he feels loved and special because nobody is going to understand him......heck I don't even understand him. and when I think about the future it scares me cause I know this is only going to get worse. Kids are going to get meaner and he is going to stand out more and more as he gets older. Will he ever have any friends? What if he can't hold a job because he has anger issues and has such rigid thinking that he will not listen to anyone else. He thinks he is always right now....which is starting to be reflected in his grades. He thinks he is right even if the text book clearly states the answer and he will argue to no end with me about it.

>

> Is there any hope? Will meds help the defiant behavior and social issues? We have tried meds before, but he has pretty much every side effect under the sun. I work so hard to help him but some days feel like giving in. He gave me such a hard time about his homework tonight I told him he could take it to school incomplete and get an F. He has had quite of few zeros this year for not completing work. I have worked my butt off to fight with the teacher to get him credit for work and to make up work, but he will just sit there and not do a thing but stare in to space and flat out tell me he is not doing it. Why do I care anymore? If it were not for me fighting for him constantly, he would have terrible grades. I just feel like giving up and letting him do whatever he wants to do so my life can be easier. It just seems like he is going to struggle no matter what..............

>

[Guest guest]

That is great advice. Even if not homeschooling, to find a support group with other parents of autistic kids would be very helpful. Just like this group "gets it," those parents would get it and be able to relate. Debra, your group sounds fun!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Suzanne

suzmarkwood@...

Girlfriend, I'm sending a big hug your way. <<<<BIG HUG>>>>You just hang in there, keep loving your son, and remember that no child is perfect, even the ones that appear to be. Don't let their mama's fool you. >> I only have my 9 year old son and I am constantly feeling jealous and angry that my only son is so awkward.......and feel soooooooooooooooo guilty for feeling that way. Maybe if I had more kids it wouldn't bother me so much........maybe he would have built in friends. Now he has nobody. He is not getting along with others at school.....has pretty much no friends in the neighborhood besides the 4 year old boy next door (his 6 yo sister just

announced today that she hates my son......she actually would play with him last summer). He begs me constantly to go play with kids, but doesn't get that they do not like him. I don't want him getting hurt (he has come home crying numerous times over things kids have said/done at school) and am trying to protect him, but he makes my life miserable if I say no! He is so defiant and has been getting really angry. He pushes me to where I am screaming and yelling at him.........then I put him to bed at night and cry because I feel like the worst mother on earth. I have very little patience with him, because I never get a break. I have very little time where he is not being difficult, so I never get to build up any patience.> > I know I want what others have with their children, but I do.......it is just not that simple! Why were we chosen for this? Why does my son get to endure such a hard life and why do I not get to enjoy parenting? I want

to watch my son play sports without worry about him being a bad sport and embarrassing me or tripping because he is so awkward. I want him to be known as a nice boy by teachers......I'm sure they all can't wait to get him out of their class. I want others to look at me like I've done a great job teaching my son respect and see the hard work I put in......but instead I get dirty looks and get told I should take a parenting class. It's not fair that teenagers and uninvolved parents have well behaved, athletic children.....yet do nothing with them. I have spent so much time trying to teach my son to throw a ball......yet my 3 year old niece can probably throw better. Then again, she would probably stay at it longer......my son would get a leg cramp or have trouble breathing after 30 seconds! He couldn't even ride his bike around the block because the seat hurt him butt!!!! I think I have raised the wimpiest child ever!> > And I hate feeling

these things about my own child. I feel like it is my sole job to make sure he feels loved and special because nobody is going to understand him......heck I don't even understand him. and when I think about the future it scares me cause I know this is only going to get worse. Kids are going to get meaner and he is going to stand out more and more as he gets older. Will he ever have any friends? What if he can't hold a job because he has anger issues and has such rigid thinking that he will not listen to anyone else. He thinks he is always right now....which is starting to be reflected in his grades. He thinks he is right even if the text book clearly states the answer and he will argue to no end with me about it.> > Is there any hope? Will meds help the defiant behavior and social issues? We have tried meds before, but he has pretty much every side effect under the sun. I work so hard to help him but some days feel like giving in. He gave

me such a hard time about his homework tonight I told him he could take it to school incomplete and get an F. He has had quite of few zeros this year for not completing work. I have worked my butt off to fight with the teacher to get him credit for work and to make up work, but he will just sit there and not do a thing but stare in to space and flat out tell me he is not doing it. Why do I care anymore? If it were not for me fighting for him constantly, he would have terrible grades. I just feel like giving up and letting him do whatever he wants to do so my life can be easier. It just seems like he is going to struggle no matter what..............>

[Guest guest]

Sounds like a good idea to me... where is Berks County?Sent via DROID on Verizon Wireless ( ) Re: Parents Feeling Constant Guilt/Depression I live in Berks County and am thinking of starting a support group for parents and teens. Has anyone else done this themselves? I can't find anything in this area when it comes to Asperger's. My 14 year old daughter could really use some friends she can connect with. Any suggestions?

[Guest guest]

I think many of us have gone through these same feelings and had the same frustrations. I am raising my 11 yr old aspie nephew and his 8 yr old sister. I have these children because their mother could not handle him and there was abuse. I have basically given up most of my dreams for the future for these kids. I have 3 kids of my own and got custody when my oldest was in her senior yr. There were many things I missed out on because he could not handle the noise, etc. This is my youngest son's Sr yr and I am supposed to be almost childless and be able to rest a little. Instead I work the night shift so not to interfere with his schedule ( I am home to send him to school and to pick him up in the afternoon). I get what sleep I can during the day while he is in school. I have many feelings

of guilt and feeling sorry for myself...but I have to give my self a break too. It is ok that he is the way he is. We as parents have to accept it and go on. I do have him on meds and he has his own para in his own classroom for 4 hrs of the school day. I don't know what the future holds for him but I will cross that bridge when I get there. Good luck and God Bless.From: IdeliceH <haackia@...> Sent: Tue, March 22, 2011 4:37:55 PMSubject: ( ) Re: Parents Feeling Constant

Guilt/DepressionYou are describing my life. The guilt and depression in hard to take after a while. I do agreed with the other posts to try and find an AS support group. It helped us a lot and you feel more relax when you go to an outing or a meeting. They do not look at you weird. And it is true too that we must let go of the dream and reconcile with the reality. It sucks when your kid wants to do sports and you he is going to be upset and the crazy "sport fan" parents are the worst. All they want to do is win.We have tried several "sports". Right now he is doing martial arts and so far he is enjoying it and doing well. So, find the thing that he/she can do and enjoy and it will give you some peace.Ide>> I only have my 9 year old son and I am constantly feeling jealous and angry that my only son is so awkward.......and feel soooooooooooooooo guilty for feeling that way. Maybe if I had more kids it wouldn't bother me so much........maybe he would have built in friends. Now he has nobody. He is not getting along with others at school.....has pretty much no friends in the neighborhood besides the 4 year old boy next door (his 6 yo sister just announced today that she hates my son......she actually would play with him last summer). He begs me constantly to go play with kids, but doesn't get that they do not like him. I don't want him getting hurt (he has come home crying numerous times over things kids have said/done at school) and am trying to protect him, but he makes my life miserable if I say no! He is so defiant and has been getting really angry. He pushes me to where

I am screaming and yelling at him.........then I put him to bed at night and cry because I feel like the worst mother on earth. I have very little patience with him, because I never get a break. I have very little time where he is not being difficult, so I never get to build up any patience.> > I know I want what others have with their children, but I do.......it is just not that simple! Why were we chosen for this? Why does my son get to endure such a hard life and why do I not get to enjoy parenting? I want to watch my son play sports without worry about him being a bad sport and embarrassing me or tripping because he is so awkward. I want him to be known as a nice boy by teachers......I'm sure they all can't wait to get him out of their class. I want others to look at me like I've done a great job teaching my son respect and see the hard work I put in......but instead I get dirty looks and get

told I should take a parenting class. It's not fair that teenagers and uninvolved parents have well behaved, athletic children.....yet do nothing with them. I have spent so much time trying to teach my son to throw a ball......yet my 3 year old niece can probably throw better. Then again, she would probably stay at it longer......my son would get a leg cramp or have trouble breathing after 30 seconds! He couldn't even ride his bike around the block because the seat hurt him butt!!!! I think I have raised the wimpiest child ever!> > And I hate feeling these things about my own child. I feel like it is my sole job to make sure he feels loved and special because nobody is going to understand him......heck I don't even understand him. and when I think about the future it scares me cause I know this is only going to get worse. Kids are going to get meaner and he is going to stand out more and more

as he gets older. Will he ever have any friends? What if he can't hold a job because he has anger issues and has such rigid thinking that he will not listen to anyone else. He thinks he is always right now....which is starting to be reflected in his grades. He thinks he is right even if the text book clearly states the answer and he will argue to no end with me about it.> > Is there any hope? Will meds help the defiant behavior and social issues? We have tried meds before, but he has pretty much every side effect under the sun. I work so hard to help him but some days feel like giving in. He gave me such a hard time about his homework tonight I told him he could take it to school incomplete and get an F. He has had quite of few zeros this year for not completing work. I have worked my butt off to fight with the teacher to get him credit for work and to make up work, but he will

just sit there and not do a thing but stare in to space and flat out tell me he is not doing it. Why do I care anymore? If it were not for me fighting for him constantly, he would have terrible grades. I just feel like giving up and letting him do whatever he wants to do so my life can be easier. It just seems like he is going to struggle no matter what..............>------------------------------------

[Guest guest]

Oh ok. I am an hour south if Reading. :-)Sent via DROID on Verizon Wireless ( ) Re: Parents Feeling Constant Guilt/Depression> > > > > > I live in Berks County and am thinking of starting a support group for > parents and teens. Has anyone else done this themselves? I can't find > anything in this area when it comes to Asperger's. My 14 year old daughter > could really use some friends she can connect with. Any suggestions?> > >