Re: fixated, hitting and shame

[Guest guest]

I feel for you. I know how bad it makes you feel to have your child hit you

when they don't get what they want. I've had the same thing with my son.

My first question would be, what did the psychiatrist say when this started

happening in front of them? How do you normally handle this?

A visual reward schedule may be one thing to try. She has to earn a

predetermined number of stars or happy faces (or whatever) in order to earn a

trip to go shopping. If she takes too long, bring a digital timer for her to

use. Set it to the amount of time she has to look, and bring her budget amount

printed on a card for her to carry so she is reminded. If she fights or argues

over the amount, she loses the priveledge to get something. I know it's hard,

and it may take awhile for her to get into the habit of this system.

I know you said she doesn't do it anywhere but with you. Eventually though, she

may start this behavior in other places as well. Is your daughter seeing a

therapist? Have you brought this up to them?

Hang in there.

Angi

>

> How is she so unaware?

>

> My 13 year old AS daughter is fixated on shopping daily if she could.

> It is not good even if we did go everyday she takes

> to long looking and can't cope if I say no to something

> over her budget.

>

> When I say no to shopping after school (on days she was late

> to school) she hits me repeatedly. Pulls my hair anything to

> make me mad as she feels.

>

> When I brought it up to the psychiatrist yesterday, my

> daughter said I was lying (I guess she was ashamed of herself)

> and she started hitting me right in front of the doctor.

>

> She is not out for blood, it doesn't feel good to be hit,

> but she is not out for blood. It really is 2 year old

> behavior.

>

> She would never hit at school or anywhere else, but with

> me it as though she loses all sense of inhibition.

> She won't go to any after school programs (she says she

> is burned out).

>

> How in the world do I stop this cycle of fixations

> and hitting me if I interrupt them?

>

> Pam

>

[Guest guest]

Pam, what did the psychiatrist say or do when your daughter started hitting you? I am thinking maybe you need a different doctor or therapist, someone should be helping you more with this. Your daughter's symptoms seem so severe, does she have another diagnosis besides AS?

My only advice would be to add shopping time to your weekly schedule - give her 2 or 3 days a week and a budget to stick to when shopping. If it is a routine - like Tuesdays and Fridays we go shopping, maybe she will be able to minimize asking you every day. And give her a budget, say $10 she can spend, and if she doesn't use all ten, she can spend the rest next time. Maybe she could follow this instead of constantly asking for things you can't afford. I would let her look on the internet or in the newspaper for things that she can afford with her budget, that would let her spend time on her interests without you having to physically be in the store with her.

It sounds like that you need more support though from the doctors or even other family members to help you. If she can control her behavior and not hit in school, she should be able to do it at home with you.I am sorry you are going through this, I hope you can find the help you need.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Suzanne

suzmarkwood@...

From: Pamela <susanonderko@...>Subject: ( ) fixated, hitting and shame Date: Friday, December 17, 2010, 7:22 AM

How is she so unaware? My 13 year old AS daughter is fixated on shopping daily if she could. It is not good even if we did go everyday she takes to long looking and can't cope if I say no to somethingover her budget. When I say no to shopping after school (on days she was lateto school) she hits me repeatedly. Pulls my hair anything to make me mad as she feels. When I brought it up to the psychiatrist yesterday, mydaughter said I was lying (I guess she was ashamed of herself)and she started hitting me right in front of the doctor.She is not out for blood, it doesn't feel good to be hit,but she is not out for blood. It really is 2 year oldbehavior. She would never hit at school or anywhere else, but with me it as though she loses all sense of inhibition.She won't go to any after school programs (she says sheis burned out). How in the world do I stop this

cycle of fixationsand hitting me if I interrupt them?Pam

[Guest guest]

hi pam my boyfriend son 14 he is out control with shopping he gets servere melt downs acts like a small child always wants something he demands stuff he doesnt hit bit if he doesnt get his ways he growls stomps his feet crys like a small child even if he saves up for something righr afterwards he thinks of something he wants i dont have a answer for you does she ocd he has that sometimes i think thats why its complusive behavior denise From: Pamela <susanonderko@...> Sent: Fri, December 17, 2010 10:22:34 AMSubject: ( ) fixated, hitting and shame

How is she so unaware?

My 13 year old AS daughter is fixated on shopping daily if she could.

It is not good even if we did go everyday she takes

to long looking and can't cope if I say no to something

over her budget.

When I say no to shopping after school (on days she was late

to school) she hits me repeatedly. Pulls my hair anything to

make me mad as she feels.

When I brought it up to the psychiatrist yesterday, my

daughter said I was lying (I guess she was ashamed of herself)

and she started hitting me right in front of the doctor.

She is not out for blood, it doesn't feel good to be hit,

but she is not out for blood. It really is 2 year old

behavior.

She would never hit at school or anywhere else, but with

me it as though she loses all sense of inhibition.

She won't go to any after school programs (she says she

is burned out).

How in the world do I stop this cycle of fixations

and hitting me if I interrupt them?

Pam

[Guest guest]

Suzanne, I like your ideas. I feel stuck with the behaviorist.

We have been working on this for a year. I think making it concrete

is better than the point system that varies. The points

can be used for computer time.

I think having her preview what she is going to buy is a

better idea than having her just look around (which she loves

but gets overstimulated).

She has AS with a non verbal learning disorder. She is so tiny

4'6 and 13 years old she was a growth disorder too.

I think the therapists see her hit me and just pull her

off and redirect her. She doesn't look too threatening

but it wears on you. And I wish it would stop.

She has a anger problem for sure and always has from

about the age of 2 with transitions. And she fixates

on something to calm herself down.

It may be that she has a mood disorder and we don't

see the full symptoms yet. I don't know.

thanks

Pam

>

>

> From: Pamela <susanonderko@...>

> Subject: ( ) fixated, hitting and shame

>

> Date: Friday, December 17, 2010, 7:22 AM

>

>

>  

>

>

>

> How is she so unaware?

>

> My 13 year old AS daughter is fixated on shopping daily if she could.

> It is not good even if we did go everyday she takes

> to long looking and can't cope if I say no to something

> over her budget.

>

> When I say no to shopping after school (on days she was late

> to school) she hits me repeatedly. Pulls my hair anything to

> make me mad as she feels.

>

> When I brought it up to the psychiatrist yesterday, my

> daughter said I was lying (I guess she was ashamed of herself)

> and she started hitting me right in front of the doctor.

>

> She is not out for blood, it doesn't feel good to be hit,

> but she is not out for blood. It really is 2 year old

> behavior.

>

> She would never hit at school or anywhere else, but with

> me it as though she loses all sense of inhibition.

> She won't go to any after school programs (she says she

> is burned out).

>

> How in the world do I stop this cycle of fixations

> and hitting me if I interrupt them?

>

> Pam

>

[Guest guest]

I guess the more I look on the internet under " impulse control

disorders " there are some psychiatrists that understand how

to treat this in AS kids. I see Hollander in NYC

has written much on the subject from the Mount Sinai Medical

Center. Thank goodness for the internet, this group and others

and information we find has been so helpful in finding

treatment. It is just so complicated though at this point.

It really helps to think this out with the help of our group

and find solutions. I appreciate your response and thoughtfulness.

Pam

>

> hi pam my boyfriend son 14 he is out control with shopping he gets servere

melt

> downs acts like a small child always wants something he demands stuff he

doesnt

> hit bit if he doesnt get his ways he growls stomps his feet crys like a small

> child even if he saves up for something righr afterwards he thinks of

something

> he wants i dont have a answer for you does she ocd he has that sometimes i

> think thats why its complusive behavior denise

>

>

>

>

>

> ________________________________

> From: Pamela <susanonderko@...>

>

> Sent: Fri, December 17, 2010 10:22:34 AM

> Subject: ( ) fixated, hitting and shame

>

>

> How is she so unaware?

>

> My 13 year old AS daughter is fixated on shopping daily if she could.

> It is not good even if we did go everyday she takes

> to long looking and can't cope if I say no to something

> over her budget.

>

> When I say no to shopping after school (on days she was late

> to school) she hits me repeatedly. Pulls my hair anything to

> make me mad as she feels.

>

> When I brought it up to the psychiatrist yesterday, my

> daughter said I was lying (I guess she was ashamed of herself)

> and she started hitting me right in front of the doctor.

>

> She is not out for blood, it doesn't feel good to be hit,

> but she is not out for blood. It really is 2 year old

> behavior.

>

> She would never hit at school or anywhere else, but with

> me it as though she loses all sense of inhibition.

> She won't go to any after school programs (she says she

> is burned out).

>

> How in the world do I stop this cycle of fixations

> and hitting me if I interrupt them?

>

> Pam

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks for all the support. I really appreciate it. It really

helps to think this problem through. I will try as you suggest to keep

the point chart visable. I do use one. I am going to try as others

suggested to be very very predictable about what I will or won't

do so that I don't trigger hitting so there are no surprises and see if this

helps. I think I am also going to see what a new psychiatrist may say. Perhaps

another SSRI would help more than the zoloft. The therapist

that is training me to reduce escalations suggested we

try to get a DNA test for SSRI metabolizing. The zoloft helped

the anxiety but not the aggression.

I really appreciate your ideas, it gets me out of being stuck and into

problem solving. I am so thankful to your help!

Pam

> >

> > How is she so unaware?

> >

> > My 13 year old AS daughter is fixated on shopping daily if she could.

> > It is not good even if we did go everyday she takes

> > to long looking and can't cope if I say no to something

> > over her budget.

> >

> > When I say no to shopping after school (on days she was late

> > to school) she hits me repeatedly. Pulls my hair anything to

> > make me mad as she feels.

> >

> > When I brought it up to the psychiatrist yesterday, my

> > daughter said I was lying (I guess she was ashamed of herself)

> > and she started hitting me right in front of the doctor.

> >

> > She is not out for blood, it doesn't feel good to be hit,

> > but she is not out for blood. It really is 2 year old

> > behavior.

> >

> > She would never hit at school or anywhere else, but with

> > me it as though she loses all sense of inhibition.

> > She won't go to any after school programs (she says she

> > is burned out).

> >

> > How in the world do I stop this cycle of fixations

> > and hitting me if I interrupt them?

> >

> > Pam

> >

>

[Guest guest]

That is a tough situation. I'm sure your behavior people could help more. I would guess to try something like refusing to put yourself in that spot - either by leaving as soon as she starts in or by leaving before she has a chance to start. Also, I would want to teach her a better way to be pissed off - I don't know what that better way would look like because it would have to really fit her well. But it would be better to have an alternate behavior, teach it and then cue it in the moment. Then if it's not working, walk away and/or try to avoid getting into the midst of it with her. You probably know what is going to set her off already. I have said before, "I know you won't like the answer" instead of answering because I knew the answer would cause a fit. That has helped sometimes. If I preface bad news with a "I know this is not going to make you very happy..." it can help. I also work to "blame" the rule whenever possible. Like, "The rule is we can't go shopping on days you are late to school" instead of her asking you to take her and then saying "no" (and then it's your fault for saying "no") You might also try interjecting a good thought at the end of bad news, if you are able to get the chance before she meltsdown. Like saying something, "The rule is we can't go to the mall on days you are late but darn! We had a fun time yesterday at that movie store. Maybe we can try to go tomorrow if we keep to our schedule?" I don't know how she responds to talking. But sometimes with little kids, you can avoid a tantrum if you keep moving them forward so they can't dwell on the bad part. You know - the concept is "We can't have candy right now but which seat do you want when we get to the car?" You just have to think in advance of the next step and try to get her there. I don't know if that is something she could do or not. Just ideas.

Roxanna

"I predict future happiness for Americans if they can prevent the government from wasting the labors of the people under the pretense of taking care of them." - Jefferson

( ) fixated, hitting and shame

How is she so unaware?

My 13 year old AS daughter is fixated on shopping daily if she could.

It is not good even if we did go everyday she takes

to long looking and can't cope if I say no to something

over her budget.

When I say no to shopping after school (on days she was late

to school) she hits me repeatedly. Pulls my hair anything to

make me mad as she feels.

When I brought it up to the psychiatrist yesterday, my

daughter said I was lying (I guess she was ashamed of herself)

and she started hitting me right in front of the doctor.

She is not out for blood, it doesn't feel good to be hit,

but she is not out for blood. It really is 2 year old

behavior.

She would never hit at school or anywhere else, but with

me it as though she loses all sense of inhibition.

She won't go to any after school programs (she says she

is burned out).

How in the world do I stop this cycle of fixations

and hitting me if I interrupt them?

Pam

[Guest guest]

Hi there,

I just wanted to let you know that my 11 year old son is exactly the same. He

reacts like that towards me whenever his actions are thwarted or when he is

'locked in' to a situation. He is genuinely fixated, you can see it in his eyes.

I haven't found a way to stop it yet but I have figured out that I musn't do

anything to accelerate it because with him things can get out of control VERY

quickly.

I just remain completely poker-faced until he wears himself out or is distracted

by something. Sometimes a blast of very loud music will snap him out of it but

that can only be done at home or in the car.

It is soul destroying to me when he has a violent meltdown out in public. People

can be soooooo unsympathetic and just presume that my son is evil or something.

But I just hold my head up and get through it. I know it won't last for too

long.

I try to talk things through with my son later on when he is in a reasonable

mood. I know it won't stop him behaving this way the next time he loses it but I

keep chipping away, hoping that eventually it will sink in...:-)

My son has a daily allowance, he can earn a maximum of £3.00 a day. I break the

day up into six chunks of two hours each on a chart. For every 2hrs that he

doesn't have a violent meltdown he gets to earn 50p but if he has a meltdown we

put a cross on the chart. At the end of the day we look at the chart and I give

him the money he's earned to spend the next day or to save up. My son hasn't

been to school for 4 months but I intend to carry this reward system through his

school day too when he goes back.

I have to be honest here,it's expensive AND he still has lots of meltdowns,

daily. but it gives us the oppotunity to visualise his behaviour and to talk

about it.

Hope this helps.

Becky

xxxx