Re: How many others are struggling with chores, ADLs and obsessions?

[Guest guest]

We, also, have reached the point of maturity, where schedules and calendars work for our 2 kids. Daughter, age 12 ASD/FAS/mood disorder, loves her lists, which include, "must do's"(daily hygiene and chores), and a "chore calendar" for the month. The calendar has stopped the arguments over who emptied the dishwasher last or who took out the recycling.

Kids work toward a weekly allowance, given out on Saturdays. So far this is working for us!

Jillian

From: r_woman2 <me2ruth@...>Subject: ( ) How many others are struggling with chores, ADLs and obsessions? Date: Saturday, July 25, 2009, 11:29 AM

Pam's post where she talked a little about the Yale folks got me thinking. I think what they are doing is pretty standard--the problem is one needs support and energy to follow through. (And one has to get to the point where one understands and accepts one's child is "different" and one has to do things "different" with them--not a problem with most of us once our kids have reached a certain age.)So, maybe we can provide each other the support and energy needed from our little list? I guess that is all what we are here for, right?I'm thinking the way this will work for us is me making up a list of chores, ADLs (activities of daily living), studying--everythin g--assign points to each. They have to have so many points to get an hour on the computer (the only reward that really works in our family at this age--isn't necessarily true of younger kids). For my NT child, I can sprinkle in a little money, if he is motivated--maybe even the

Aspie. The list will have to be in table form and include columns for complete step-by-step instructions and how many points--perhaps a column for an abbreviation for said item--you'll see why in a minute. Now here is what is going to be different. The kids keep a list on a piece of notebook paper every day or week where they write down everything they do, one item per line, perhaps write the abbreviation and how many points they are supposed to get. They have to add it up every day or week. The difference is--they are doing the work of keeping track of everything, not me.They won't want to do this writing and math, but they won't get their computer turn (or money) unless they do. This will work with my kids. The Asperger one will throw a temper tantrum and take awhile to do it probably, but he'll get over it and I'm sure he'll get better when he sees it doesn't get him anything. Ditto for the NT one, just not as bad LOL.This

seems like such a little thing, but it is what has kept this from working consistently for me in the past. Working full-time with two special needs people in the family--just not enough time and energy. But I think we can do it this way.I'm going to keep the lists on the computer so I can create smaller lists if they get too overwhelmed by the choices. I'll probably make a hierarchy of lists too, i.e., these things have to be all done before we can go on to list B etc.We couldn't do this when they were younger because the time spent arguing with the NT one and dealing with meltdowns with the Asperger one far outweighed getting anything done. I can't believe they have finally matured to where we can maybe get this to work. It has been a long time coming.

[Guest guest]

I am so tired, after so many many years of doing these token economy systems, in various forms. I need another burst of energy to set up a new one. Right now it's not too bad here but it could be better. The HFA 13 year old boy is doing pretty well, really well actually. The 9 year old aspie girl is screaming and tantruming a lot over anything and everything. I just don't have the energy to do it. Maybe next week inspiration will strike me again.....

( ) How many others are struggling with chores, ADLs and obsessions? Date: Saturday, July 25, 2009, 11:29 AM

Pam's post where she talked a little about the Yale folks got me thinking. I think what they are doing is pretty standard--the problem is one needs support and energy to follow through. (And one has to get to the point where one understands and accepts one's child is "different" and one has to do things "different" with them--not a problem with most of us once our kids have reached a certain age.)So, maybe we can provide each other the support and energy needed from our little list? I guess that is all what we are here for, right?I'm thinking the way this will work for us is me making up a list of chores, ADLs (activities of daily living), studying--everythin g--assign points to each. They have to have so many points to get an hour on the computer (the only reward that really works in our family at this age--isn't necessarily true of younger kids). For my NT child, I can sprinkle in a little money, if he is motivated--maybe even the Aspie. The list will have to be in table form and include columns for complete step-by-step instructions and how many points--perhaps a column for an abbreviation for said item--you'll see why in a minute. Now here is what is going to be different. The kids keep a list on a piece of notebook paper every day or week where they write down everything they do, one item per line, perhaps write the abbreviation and how many points they are supposed to get. They have to add it up every day or week. The difference is--they are doing the work of keeping track of everything, not me.They won't want to do this writing and math, but they won't get their computer turn (or money) unless they do. This will work with my kids. The Asperger one will throw a temper tantrum and take awhile to do it probably, but he'll get over it and I'm sure he'll get better when he sees it doesn't get him anything. Ditto for the NT one, just not as bad LOL.This seems like such a little thing, but it is what has kept this from working consistently for me in the past. Working full-time with two special needs people in the family--just not enough time and energy. But I think we can do it this way.I'm going to keep the lists on the computer so I can create smaller lists if they get too overwhelmed by the choices. I'll probably make a hierarchy of lists too, i.e., these things have to be all done before we can go on to list B etc.We couldn't do this when they were younger because the time spent arguing with the NT one and dealing with meltdowns with the Asperger one far outweighed getting anything done. I can't believe they have finally matured to where we can maybe get this to work. It has been a long time coming.

[Guest guest]

Debra,I feel your pain. Our almost 17yo son just does not respond positively no matter what we set up!! He also has diagnosis of bipolar, ADHD, ODD, & RAD which complicate the situation! He has agressive & destructive behavior. We are currently trying to get him into another long-term residential treatment program. It may not cause any long-term changes, but maybe it will give us some respite!!!Sent from my iPhoneBlessings, DonnaOn Jul 26, 2009, at 9:35 AM, "Debra Balke" <dlbalke@...> wrote:

I am so tired, after so many many years of doing these token economy systems, in various forms. I need another burst of energy to set up a new one. Right now it's not too bad here but it could be better. The HFA 13 year old boy is doing pretty well, really well actually. The 9 year old aspie girl is screaming and tantruming a lot over anything and everything. I just don't have the energy to do it. Maybe next week inspiration will strike me again.....

( ) How many others are struggling with chores, ADLs and obsessions? Date: Saturday, July 25, 2009, 11:29 AM

Pam's post where she talked a little about the Yale folks got me thinking. I think what they are doing is pretty standard--the problem is one needs support and energy to follow through. (And one has to get to the point where one understands and accepts one's child is "different" and one has to do things "different" with them--not a problem with most of us once our kids have reached a certain age.)So, maybe we can provide each other the support and energy needed from our little list? I guess that is all what we are here for, right?I'm thinking the way this will work for us is me making up a list of chores, ADLs (activities of daily living), studying--everythin g--assign points to each. They have to have so many points to get an hour on the computer (the only reward that really works in our family at this age--isn't necessarily true of younger kids). For my NT child, I can sprinkle in a little money, if he is motivated--maybe even the Aspie. The list will have to be in table form and include columns for complete step-by-step instructions and how many points--perhaps a column for an abbreviation for said item--you'll see why in a minute. Now here is what is going to be different. The kids keep a list on a piece of notebook paper every day or week where they write down everything they do, one item per line, perhaps write the abbreviation and how many points they are supposed to get. They have to add it up every day or week. The difference is--they are doing the work of keeping track of everything, not me.They won't want to do this writing and math, but they won't get their computer turn (or money) unless they do. This will work with my kids. The Asperger one will throw a temper tantrum and take awhile to do it probably, but he'll get over it and I'm sure he'll get better when he sees it doesn't get him anything. Ditto for the NT one, just not as bad LOL.This seems like such a little thing, but it is what has kept this from working consistently for me in the past. Working full-time with two special needs people in the family--just not enough time and energy. But I think we can do it this way.I'm going to keep the lists on the computer so I can create smaller lists if they get too overwhelmed by the choices. I'll probably make a hierarchy of lists too, i.e., these things have to be all done before we can go on to list B etc.We couldn't do this when they were younger because the time spent arguing with the NT one and dealing with meltdowns with the Asperger one far outweighed getting anything done. I can't believe they have finally matured to where we can maybe get this to work. It has been a long time coming.

[Guest guest]

I have decided that I just need to show up every day in life, keep doing unemotional responses, calm, be on the same page as husband and grandma who are the two other caregivers, not strangle anyone, and keep prompting, slowly teaching skills, same old same old. No matter what we do it is about the same, massive token economy efforts produce about 20 percent improvement. So, when I can't take "it" anymore, we set up a new token economy system around whatever the "it" of the week is and the "it" gets better until a new one takes it's place. I just need them to grow up, it is a marathon, no need to expend vast amounts of energy on the problem any longer. Trying to enjoy life, enjoy the kids, set up situations for success, and that is it. If they aren't dead, pregnant, on drugs, or in jail and are plodding along academically....... well then, that is as good as it gets. No more guilt, worry, "what ifs". Long ago gave up caring what other people think. Behaviors in public no longer embarass me whatsoever. It is what it is. I just have to survive it, not master it or gain total control over it.......

( ) How many others are struggling with chores, ADLs and obsessions? Date: Saturday, July 25, 2009, 11:29 AM

Pam's post where she talked a little about the Yale folks got me thinking. I think what they are doing is pretty standard--the problem is one needs support and energy to follow through. (And one has to get to the point where one understands and accepts one's child is "different" and one has to do things "different" with them--not a problem with most of us once our kids have reached a certain age.)So, maybe we can provide each other the support and energy needed from our little list? I guess that is all what we are here for, right?I'm thinking the way this will work for us is me making up a list of chores, ADLs (activities of daily living), studying--everythin g--assign points to each. They have to have so many points to get an hour on the computer (the only reward that really works in our family at this age--isn't necessarily true of younger kids). For my NT child, I can sprinkle in a little money, if he is motivated--maybe even the Aspie. The list will have to be in table form and include columns for complete step-by-step instructions and how many points--perhaps a column for an abbreviation for said item--you'll see why in a minute. Now here is what is going to be different. The kids keep a list on a piece of notebook paper every day or week where they write down everything they do, one item per line, perhaps write the abbreviation and how many points they are supposed to get. They have to add it up every day or week. The difference is--they are doing the work of keeping track of everything, not me.They won't want to do this writing and math, but they won't get their computer turn (or money) unless they do. This will work with my kids. The Asperger one will throw a temper tantrum and take awhile to do it probably, but he'll get over it and I'm sure he'll get better when he sees it doesn't get him anything. Ditto for the NT one, just not as bad LOL.This seems like such a little thing, but it is what has kept this from working consistently for me in the past. Working full-time with two special needs people in the family--just not enough time and energy. But I think we can do it this way.I'm going to keep the lists on the computer so I can create smaller lists if they get too overwhelmed by the choices. I'll probably make a hierarchy of lists too, i.e., these things have to be all done before we can go on to list B etc.We couldn't do this when they were younger because the time spent arguing with the NT one and dealing with meltdowns with the Asperger one far outweighed getting anything done. I can't believe they have finally matured to where we can maybe get this to work. It has been a long time coming.

[Guest guest]

This sounds great! I was thinking of something similar. I was going to make a

list of chores and laminate it. Then the kids could check off what they'd done.

Each thing would have a money amount attached. Also the kids have bank accounts

and I have an account at the same bank. So if the amounts are big or if I don't

have cash on me I can just transfer the amounts into their accounts as needed.

You have inspired me today. I will start working on this now. Maybe I can keep

a big list in a central location and we can each initial what we've done.

Except for Dad who does so much it wouldn't fit on one list. He's

obsessive/compulsive about cleaning. The rest of us, including me, need a list.

Miriam

>

> Pam's post where she talked a little about the Yale folks got me thinking. I

think what they are doing is pretty standard--the problem is one needs support

and energy to follow through. (And one has to get to the point where one

understands and accepts one's child is " different " and one has to do things

" different " with them--not a problem with most of us once our kids have reached

a certain age.)

>

> So, maybe we can provide each other the support and energy needed from our

little list? I guess that is all what we are here for, right?

>

> I'm thinking the way this will work for us is me making up a list of chores,

ADLs (activities of daily living), studying--everything--assign points to each.

They have to have so many points to get an hour on the computer (the only reward

that really works in our family at this age--isn't necessarily true of younger

kids). For my NT child, I can sprinkle in a little money, if he is

motivated--maybe even the Aspie. The list will have to be in table form and

include columns for complete step-by-step instructions and how many

points--perhaps a column for an abbreviation for said item--you'll see why in a

minute.

>

> Now here is what is going to be different. The kids keep a list on a piece of

notebook paper every day or week where they write down everything they do, one

item per line, perhaps write the abbreviation and how many points they are

supposed to get. They have to add it up every day or week. The difference

is--they are doing the work of keeping track of everything, not me.

>

> They won't want to do this writing and math, but they won't get their computer

turn (or money) unless they do. This will work with my kids. The Asperger one

will throw a temper tantrum and take awhile to do it probably, but he'll get

over it and I'm sure he'll get better when he sees it doesn't get him anything.

Ditto for the NT one, just not as bad LOL.

>

> This seems like such a little thing, but it is what has kept this from working

consistently for me in the past. Working full-time with two special needs

people in the family--just not enough time and energy. But I think we can do it

this way.

>

> I'm going to keep the lists on the computer so I can create smaller lists if

they get too overwhelmed by the choices. I'll probably make a hierarchy of

lists too, i.e., these things have to be all done before we can go on to list B

etc.

>

> We couldn't do this when they were younger because the time spent arguing with

the NT one and dealing with meltdowns with the Asperger one far outweighed

getting anything done. I can't believe they have finally matured to where we

can maybe get this to work. It has been a long time coming.

>

[Guest guest]

We

have a 9-year old boy who has Asperger’s. I recently found an

online site that has free behavior, tasks,etc charts. It is http://milo.handipoints.com . It

has helped our son. He really looks forward to choosing his rewards.

We

also have a board that we recently bought with visuals. It helps him take

responsibility over his morning routine. http://www.beevisual.com/

There

are three different boards – one for tasks, one for waiting, and one for

dealing with anger. When our son was exploding because he couldn’t

have something NOW, I got out the waiting board and told him that I’m

going to set the timer for an hour, and if I don’t see any outbursts,

then he can play his game. He couldn’t wait, so he had another

outburst, so the timer got get to 90 minutes. I also wrote on the board

that he can play at 6:00pm. Towards the bottom, there are some dials with

suggestions on what he can do while he is waiting like play a board game or

watch tv. After that, he didn’t have another outburst. He

just kept on asking when he can play. I responded by saying is it 6:00pm

yet?

Jodi

From:

[mailto: ] On

Behalf Of Debra Balke

Sent: Sunday, July 26, 2009 10:36 AM

Subject: Re: ( ) How many others are struggling with

chores, ADLs and obsessions?

I

am so tired, after so many many years of doing these token economy systems, in

various forms. I need another burst of energy to set up a new one.

Right now it's not too bad here but it could be better. The HFA 13 year

old boy is doing pretty well, really well actually. The 9 year old

aspie girl is screaming and tantruming a lot over anything and

everything. I just don't have the energy to do it. Maybe next week

inspiration will strike me again.....

-----

Original Message -----

From: jillian shimko

Sent: Saturday, July 25,

2009 7:01 PM

Subject: Re:

( ) How many others are struggling with chores, ADLs and

obsessions?

We, also, have reached the point of maturity, where

schedules and calendars work for our 2 kids. Daughter, age 12

ASD/FAS/mood disorder, loves her lists, which include, " must

do's " (daily hygiene and chores), and a " chore calendar " for

the month. The calendar has stopped the arguments over who emptied the

dishwasher last or who took out the recycling.

Kids work toward a weekly allowance, given out on

Saturdays. So far this is working for us!

Jillian

From: r_woman2 <me2ruth@...>

Subject: ( ) How many others are struggling with chores, ADLs

and obsessions?

Date: Saturday, July 25, 2009, 11:29 AM

Pam's post where she talked a

little about the Yale folks got me thinking. I think what they are doing is

pretty standard--the problem is one needs support and energy to follow

through. (And one has to get to the point where one understands and accepts

one's child is " different " and one has to do things

" different " with them--not a problem with most of us once our kids

have reached a certain age.)

So, maybe we can provide each other the support and energy needed from our

little list? I guess that is all what we are here for, right?

I'm thinking the way this will work for us is me making up a list of chores,

ADLs (activities of daily living), studying--everythin g--assign points to

each. They have to have so many points to get an hour on the computer (the

only reward that really works in our family at this age--isn't necessarily

true of younger kids). For my NT child, I can sprinkle in a little money, if

he is motivated--maybe even the Aspie. The list will have to be in table form

and include columns for complete step-by-step instructions and how many

points--perhaps a column for an abbreviation for said item--you'll see why in

a minute.

Now here is what is going to be different. The kids keep a list on a piece of

notebook paper every day or week where they write down everything they do,

one item per line, perhaps write the abbreviation and how many points they

are supposed to get. They have to add it up every day or week. The difference

is--they are doing the work of keeping track of everything, not me.

They won't want to do this writing and math, but they won't get their

computer turn (or money) unless they do. This will work with my kids. The

Asperger one will throw a temper tantrum and take awhile to do it probably,

but he'll get over it and I'm sure he'll get better when he sees it doesn't

get him anything. Ditto for the NT one, just not as bad LOL.

This seems like such a little thing, but it is what has kept this from working

consistently for me in the past. Working full-time with two special needs

people in the family--just not enough time and energy. But I think we can do

it this way.

I'm going to keep the lists on the computer so I can create smaller lists if

they get too overwhelmed by the choices. I'll probably make a hierarchy of

lists too, i.e., these things have to be all done before we can go on to list

B etc.

We couldn't do this when they were younger because the time spent arguing

with the NT one and dealing with meltdowns with the Asperger one far

outweighed getting anything done. I can't believe they have finally matured

to where we can maybe get this to work. It has been a long time coming.

[Guest guest]

>

> I'm thinking the way this will work for us is me making up a list of chores,

ADLs (activities of daily living), studying--everything--assign points to each.

They have to have so many points to get an hour on the computer ...

Just thought I'd give you all an update. I worked very hard on this all

weekend, both putting it together and working with the kids. This worked

absolutely spectacularly with my NT child (14yo son), but not so much so with my

other 14yo son with Asperger (twins). I'm going to have to stick with First,

Then and collaborative learning with the Asperger one. He communicated some on

how much he was willing to do and that he is willing to cut his losses, so that

was a big improvement. The fact that he is willing to accept that his brother

should get more computer time if he does more work makes things much more

workable. Now I can get the NT child working up to an age-appropriate level

even if his Asperger brother is not. It helped putting together a full-fledged

system for the NT child for both of them. I used the same stuff for both, they

just use it differently and it is a different mentality for each of them.

So, I feel good I finally got my NT son up to speed, but I am still not sure

where this is heading for my Asperger son. I'm glad he is at least doing

something, but it takes so much work to get him to do just one chore and he is

so far away from working on his own yet. Scary at 14 years of age.

[Guest guest]

>

> I have decided that I just need to show up every day in life, keep doing

unemotional responses, calm, be on the same page as husband and grandma who are

the two other caregivers, not strangle anyone, and keep prompting, slowly

teaching skills, same old same old. No matter what we do it is about the same,

massive token economy efforts produce about 20 percent improvement. So, when I

can't take " it " anymore, we set up a new token economy system around whatever

the " it " of the week is and the " it " gets better until a new one takes it's

place. I just need them to grow up, it is a marathon, no need to expend vast

amounts of energy on the problem any longer. Trying to enjoy life, enjoy the

kids, set up situations for success, and that is it. If they aren't dead,

pregnant, on drugs, or in jail and are plodding along academically....... well

then, that is as good as it gets. No more guilt, worry, " what ifs " . Long ago

gave up caring what other people think. Behaviors in public no longer embarass

me whatsoever. It is what it is. I just have to survive it, not master it or

gain total control over it.......

I'm feeling very similar. I'm realizing that there is no magic answer, and in

the end, the only person who has any hope of mastering the problem is the person

with Asperger, not any of the people trying to help. All you can do is keep

working at it--find something that has some success and keep at it, like you

said same old same old year after year. You're " there " to keep the wheel

grinding. I feel this way because I don't think anyone appreciates my efforts,

including the ones I'm trying to help. It is truly a very thankless job.

My kids are alive, don't have anyone pregnant, aren't doing drugs, aren't in

legal trouble, and they are both plodding along academically--yes, you are

right, it could be worse.

I'm curious though--what do you see as setting up situations for success? I

struggle with this. If you are doing that with little effort, please share!

[Guest guest]

I think I've got what you've got, Debra.

Just don't have "it" in me right now. he he.

Energy.....I need it.

Robin

Normal is just a cycle on a washing machine!!

From: r_woman2 <me2ruth (DOT) com>Subject: ( ) How many others are struggling with chores, ADLs and obsessions? Date: Saturday, July 25, 2009, 11:29 AM

Pam's post where she talked a little about the Yale folks got me thinking. I think what they are doing is pretty standard--the problem is one needs support and energy to follow through. (And one has to get to the point where one understands and accepts one's child is "different" and one has to do things "different" with them--not a problem with most of us once our kids have reached a certain age.)So, maybe we can provide each other the support and energy needed from our little list? I guess that is all what we are here for, right?I'm thinking the way this will work for us is me making up a list of chores, ADLs (activities of daily living), studying--everythin g--assign points to each. They have to have so many points to get an hour on the computer (the only reward that really works in our family at this age--isn't necessarily true of younger kids). For my NT child, I can sprinkle in a little money, if he is motivated--maybe even the

Aspie. The list will have to be in table form and include columns for complete step-by-step instructions and how many points--perhaps a column for an abbreviation for said item--you'll see why in a minute. Now here is what is going to be different. The kids keep a list on a piece of notebook paper every day or week where they write down everything they do, one item per line, perhaps write the abbreviation and how many points they are supposed to get. They have to add it up every day or week. The difference is--they are doing the work of keeping track of everything, not me.They won't want to do this writing and math, but they won't get their computer turn (or money) unless they do. This will work with my kids. The Asperger one will throw a temper tantrum and take awhile to do it probably, but he'll get over it and I'm sure he'll get better when he sees it doesn't get him anything. Ditto for the NT one, just not as bad LOL.This

seems like such a little thing, but it is what has kept this from working consistently for me in the past. Working full-time with two special needs people in the family--just not enough time and energy. But I think we can do it this way.I'm going to keep the lists on the computer so I can create smaller lists if they get too overwhelmed by the choices. I'll probably make a hierarchy of lists too, i.e., these things have to be all done before we can go on to list B etc.We couldn't do this when they were younger because the time spent arguing with the NT one and dealing with meltdowns with the Asperger one far outweighed getting anything done. I can't believe they have finally matured to where we can maybe get this to work. It has been a long time coming.

[Guest guest]

I think we all get tired, but finding new ways is the key - I have found a new

website that is helping motivate my two (8 and 9) this summer -- they love the

computer and this has given them some control -- it is www.goalforit.com -- find

the kids chore charts.

It's free, and let's them set up a weekly chart - so it's visual. Plus, we

assign a value for completing things - it tracks the " moolah " and they make up

goals --- so they earn points toward rewards that they are creating.

Check it out -- it seems to be working at the moment, but as soon as I turn

around they will be done with it and I'll be here begging for another idea!

Good luck!

[Guest guest]

There are very few situations where I can set up for success.....

Fishing with an aspie 9 year old girl, 44 year old aspie husband, and 13 year old hfa son. It usually goes OK because everyone likes to fish.

Went to the guinea pig movie last night. Both kids, amazingly, were dying to see it. So, the four of us went as a family and did something together. Success!

Any time a kid comes to play at the house, we let them in and make time to play. Try to teach social skills, prompt, etc. It works best with kids whose parents really don't care where they go or how long they are gone. Total supervision, but at least it is another warm body. The outgoing kids are the best.

Hard to think of more right now... I'm worn out from them all..

Re: ( ) How many others are struggling with chores, ADLs and obsessions?

>> I have decided that I just need to show up every day in life, keep doing unemotional responses, calm, be on the same page as husband and grandma who are the two other caregivers, not strangle anyone, and keep prompting, slowly teaching skills, same old same old. No matter what we do it is about the same, massive token economy efforts produce about 20 percent improvement. So, when I can't take "it" anymore, we set up a new token economy system around whatever the "it" of the week is and the "it" gets better until a new one takes it's place. I just need them to grow up, it is a marathon, no need to expend vast amounts of energy on the problem any longer. Trying to enjoy life, enjoy the kids, set up situations for success, and that is it. If they aren't dead, pregnant, on drugs, or in jail and are plodding along academically....... well then, that is as good as it gets. No more guilt, worry, "what ifs". Long ago gave up caring what other people think. Behaviors in public no longer embarass me whatsoever. It is what it is. I just have to survive it, not master it or gain total control over it.......I'm feeling very similar. I'm realizing that there is no magic answer, and in the end, the only person who has any hope of mastering the problem is the person with Asperger, not any of the people trying to help. All you can do is keep working at it--find something that has some success and keep at it, like you said same old same old year after year. You're "there" to keep the wheel grinding. I feel this way because I don't think anyone appreciates my efforts, including the ones I'm trying to help. It is truly a very thankless job.My kids are alive, don't have anyone pregnant, aren't doing drugs, aren't in legal trouble, and they are both plodding along academically--yes, you are right, it could be worse. :)I'm curious though--what do you see as setting up situations for success? I struggle with this. If you are doing that with little effort, please share!

[Guest guest]

We have a giant dry erase calendar on the wall in the computer room here. That way I can put down who's turn it is to do dishes or the garbage, write down dates of doc appt's, school dates, etc. It does help keep everyone updated and organized. And when I hear, "It's not my turn!" I just have to say, "The calendar says it is!"

Roxanna

"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." E. Burke

( ) How many others are struggling with chores, ADLs and obsessions?

Date: Saturday, July 25, 2009, 11:29 AM

Pam's post where she talked a little about the Yale folks got me thinking. I think what they are doing is pretty standard--the problem is one needs support and energy to follow through. (And one has to get to the point where one understands and accepts one's child is "different" and one has to do things "different" with them--not a problem with most of us once our kids have reached a certain age.)

So, maybe we can provide each other the support and energy needed from our little list? I guess that is all what we are here for, right?

I'm thinking the way this will work for us is me making up a list of chores, ADLs (activities of daily living), studying--everythin g--assign points to each. They have to have so many points to get an hour on the computer (the only reward that really works in our family at this age--isn't necessarily true of younger kids). For my NT child, I can sprinkle in a little money, if he is motivated--maybe even the

Aspie. The list will have to be in table form and include columns for complete step-by-step instructions and how many points--perhaps a column for an abbreviation for said item--you'll see why in a minute.

Now here is what is going to be different. The kids keep a list on a piece of notebook paper every day or week where they write down everything they do, one item per line, perhaps write the abbreviation and how many points they are supposed to get. They have to add it up every day or week. The difference is--they are doing the work of keeping track of everything, not me.

They won't want to do this writing and math, but they won't get their computer turn (or money) unless they do. This will work with my kids. The Asperger one will throw a temper tantrum and take awhile to do it probably, but he'll get over it and I'm sure he'll get better when he sees it doesn't get him anything. Ditto for the NT one, just not as bad LOL.

This

seems like such a little thing, but it is what has kept this from working consistently for me in the past. Working full-time with two special needs people in the family--just not enough time and energy. But I think we can do it this way.

I'm going to keep the lists on the computer so I can create smaller lists if they get too overwhelmed by the choices. I'll probably make a hierarchy of lists too, i.e., these things have to be all done before we can go on to list B etc.

We couldn't do this when they were younger because the time spent arguing with the NT one and dealing with meltdowns with the Asperger one far outweighed getting anything done. I can't believe they have finally matured to where we can maybe get this to work. It has been a long time coming.

An Excellent Credit Score is 750. See Yours in Just 2 Easy Steps!

[Guest guest]

{{Debra}} Hang in there. It's hard not to burn out fast on things.

Roxanna

"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." E. Burke

Re: ( ) How many others are struggling with chores, ADLs and obsessions?

I have decided that I just need to show up every day in life, keep doing unemotional responses, calm, be on the same page as husband and grandma who are the two other caregivers, not strangle anyone, and keep prompting, slowly teaching skills, same old same old. No matter what we do it is about the same, massive token economy efforts produce about 20 percent improvement. So, when I can't take "it" anymore, we set up a new token economy system around whatever the "it" of the week is and the "it" gets better until a new one takes it's place. I just need them to grow up, it is a marathon, no need to expend vast amounts of energy on the problem any longer. Trying to enjoy life, enjoy the kids, set up situations for success, and that is it. If they aren't dead, pregnant, on drugs, or in jail and are plodding along academically....... well then, that is as good as it gets. No more guilt, worry, "what ifs". Long ago gave up caring what other people think. Behaviors in public no longer embarass me whatsoever. It is what it is. I just have to survive it, not master it or gain total control over it.......

( ) How many others are struggling with chores, ADLs and obsessions?

Date: Saturday, July 25, 2009, 11:29 AM

Pam's post where she talked a little about the Yale folks got me thinking. I think what they are doing is pretty standard--the problem is one needs support and energy to follow through. (And one has to get to the point where one understands and accepts one's child is "different" and one has to do things "different" with them--not a problem with most of us once our kids have reached a certain age.)

So, maybe we can provide each other the support and energy needed from our little list? I guess that is all what we are here for, right?

I'm thinking the way this will work for us is me making up a list of chores, ADLs (activities of daily living), studying--everythin g--assign points to each. They have to have so many points to get an hour on the computer (the only reward that really works in our family at this age--isn't necessarily true of younger kids). For my NT child, I can sprinkle in a little money, if he is motivated--maybe even the Aspie. The list will have to be in table form and include columns for complete step-by-step instructions and how many points--perhaps a column for an abbreviation for said item--you'll see why in a minute.

Now here is what is going to be different. The kids keep a list on a piece of notebook paper every day or week where they write down everything they do, one item per line, perhaps write the abbreviation and how many points they are supposed to get. They have to add it up every day or week. The difference is--they are doing the work of keeping track of everything, not me.

They won't want to do this writing and math, but they won't get their computer turn (or money) unless they do. This will work with my kids. The Asperger one will throw a temper tantrum and take awhile to do it probably, but he'll get over it and I'm sure he'll get better when he sees it doesn't get him anything. Ditto for the NT one, just not as bad LOL.

This seems like such a little thing, but it is what has kept this from working consistently for me in the past. Working full-time with two special needs people in the family--just not enough time and energy. But I think we can do it this way.

I'm going to keep the lists on the computer so I can create smaller lists if they get too overwhelmed by the choices. I'll probably make a hierarchy of lists too, i.e., these things have to be all done before we can go on to list B etc.

We couldn't do this when they were younger because the time spent arguing with the NT one and dealing with meltdowns with the Asperger one far outweighed getting anything done. I can't believe they have finally matured to where we can maybe get this to work. It has been a long time coming.

A bad credit score is 600 below. Checking won't affect your score. See now!

[Guest guest]

>

> I would certainly welcome some support and suggestions to keep me from

throwing my hands up in the air and giving in to avoid some of the struggle I

face!

Honestly, for me, a big part of it was accepting that they can't/won't do all

the things kids " normally " do at their age and lowering my standards

considerably. Pick one or two things for them to work on and be consistent

with, and do the rest yourself. " Normal " parents will criticize, but I think

you'll all do better in the long run. The others don't know, so you just have

to ignore them as best you can. Smile and nod. And know that it does get

better as they get older. I guess it is not a great answer since it is not

socially acceptable, but I don't see that anything else works. If you are one

of the lucky parents who have unusual aspie kids who will follow lists and

embrace token economies, well, count yourself lucky LOL--cause you are! For the

rest of us, we have to stick to our first, then and collaborative learning and

plod along.

Am I the only one who is finding points pointless LOL? I'm still working on my

currently new system, but once again, I find the whole point thing pretty

pointless with my kids. My NT child just needs a choice of things to do and my

aspie simply doesn't deal with earning points. It means nothing to him. He's

14, so I think that is permanent. Having the points is just something to get in

the way of what really needs to happen and adds more work.

That said, somehow this current system is working better than any others have.

It may just be because my kids are older and mature enough and with enough focus

for something like chores to work. They aren't getting all confused and

deadlocked over little details the way they used to.

Anyway, what I'm getting to in a roundabout way is that I'm really identifying

with you. I could never get my kids to do even simple everyday chores when they

were young--they just made it impossibly difficult. They didn't get " used " to

doing things the way typical kids do. Habits in 3 weeks? Not my kids. Even if

they finally started do a few things, after a few years of everyday pushing,

they had to be reminded every single day. It was incredible. And of course,

" nobody " other than those of us with kids like this understands any of this.

Everyone just assumes you are lacking in even simple parenting skills. When

actually it is the opposite--you're parenting is way beyond simple.

I wish I had discovered first, then and collaborative learning sooner. I guess

if I had any advice to give, it would be that. Those two strategies really do

work with kids like ours. That would be another reason why the current " system "

is working. Remember to chunk everything and be explicit. State the obvious,

since it isn't obvious to your Asperger, but keep it short.

[Guest guest]

I used 'first/then' successfully yesterday. lol. My 20 yo ds (hfa) would not mow the yard for days. I asked, begged, demanded...nothing! He came up stairs last night and said, "Dinner?" and I said, "First mow lawn, then order pizza." Ahhh, sweet success. lol. Lawn was mowed, pizza was served, everyone was happy. :-)

I do notice with my 12 yo ds (hfa) that getting him to do work is really hard based on his mood at that time. It's kind of like that article on balancing the tray with him - if he's overwhelmed or even annoyed, getting him to help out is a task. He will balk, whine, cry, make excuses, avoid the task entirely. But other times, I can ask him to do something and he does it with a smile. Now the other day, I loudly told my dh that my ds was just such a good helper and I kind of bragged on him within hearing distance. Then I asked him to do some chores and he did it, no problem. Part of it was just puffing him up, building him up. Making him feel usefull and confident. I don't know how else to describe that. But he is very needy that way lately. Someone sent in that article about remembering to praise them and I think that is what I am trying to say that works well here for now. We need to remember to let them know that even the regular daily tasks are praiseworthy because it isn't easy for them.

Roxanna

"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." E. Burke

( ) Re: How many others are struggling with chores, ADLs and obsessions?

>

> I would certainly welcome some support and suggestions to keep me from throwing my hands up in the air and giving in to avoid some of the struggle I face!

Honestly, for me, a big part of it was accepting that they can't/won't do all the things kids "normally" do at their age and lowering my standards considerably. Pick one or two things for them to work on and be consistent with, and do the rest yourself. "Normal" parents will criticize, but I think you'll all do better in the long run. The others don't know, so you just have to ignore them as best you can. Smile and nod. And know that it does get better as they get older. I guess it is not a great answer since it is not socially acceptable, but I don't see that anything else works. If you are one of the lucky parents who have unusual aspie kids who will follow lists and embrace token economies, well, count yourself lucky LOL--cause you are! For the rest of us, we have to stick to our first, then and collaborative learning and plod along.

Am I the only one who is finding points pointless LOL? I'm still working on my currently new system, but once again, I find the whole point thing pretty pointless with my kids. My NT child just needs a choice of things to do and my aspie simply doesn't deal with earning points. It means nothing to him. He's 14, so I think that is permanent. Having the points is just something to get in the way of what really needs to happen and adds more work.

That said, somehow this current system is working better than any others have. It may just be because my kids are older and mature enough and with enough focus for something like chores to work. They aren't getting all confused and deadlocked over little details the way they used to.

Anyway, what I'm getting to in a roundabout way is that I'm really identifying with you. I could never get my kids to do even simple everyday chores when they were young--they just made it impossibly difficult. They didn't get "used" to doing things the way typical kids do. Habits in 3 weeks? Not my kids. Even if they finally started do a few things, after a few years of everyday pushing, they had to be reminded every single day. It was incredible. And of course, "nobody" other than those of us with kids like this understands any of this. Everyone just assumes you are lacking in even simple parenting skills. When actually it is the opposite--you're parenting is way beyond simple.

I wish I had discovered first, then and collaborative learning sooner. I guess if I had any advice to give, it would be that. Those two strategies really do work with kids like ours. That would be another reason why the current "system" is working. Remember to chunk everything and be explicit. State the obvious, since it isn't obvious to your Asperger, but keep it short.

A Good Credit Score is 700 or Above. See yours in just 2 easy steps!

[Guest guest]

Yes I agree it can be too much. I think the Yale Behaviorists are getting me and

the school on the path of working on a few (2) behaviors and that is it. I have

had so many therapist berate me for

not having more things under control. These other therapists

I think just don't get AS. We are focusing

on school attendence, medication compliance and sticking the

the schedule for meals and sleep. If she sticks to the schedule

at least the obsessions are somewhat undercontrol.

Poor kids, there is so much they can't cope with. It scares me.

I have to hope as others have said that some of these problems

improve. I have read too that the brain continues to develop

in the area of organization skills upto age 20.

Pam

nahviorserkingoraelyalek

>

>

> From: r_woman2 <me2ruth@...>

> Subject: ( ) How many others are struggling with

chores, ADLs and obsessions?

>

> Date: Saturday, July 25, 2009, 11:29 AM

>

>

>

> Pam's post where she talked a little about the Yale folks got me

thinking. I think what they are doing is pretty standard--the problem is one

needs support and energy to follow through. (And one has to get to the point

where one understands and accepts one's child is " different " and one has to do

things " different " with them--not a problem with most of us once our kids have

reached a certain age.)

>

> So, maybe we can provide each other the support and energy

needed from our little list? I guess that is all what we are here for, right?

>

> I'm thinking the way this will work for us is me making up a

list of chores, ADLs (activities of daily living), studying--everythin g--assign

points to each. They have to have so many points to get an hour on the computer

(the only reward that really works in our family at this age--isn't necessarily

true of younger kids). For my NT child, I can sprinkle in a little money, if he

is motivated--maybe even the Aspie. The list will have to be in table form and

include columns for complete step-by-step instructions and how many

points--perhaps a column for an abbreviation for said item--you'll see why in a

minute.

>

> Now here is what is going to be different. The kids keep a list

on a piece of notebook paper every day or week where they write down everything

they do, one item per line, perhaps write the abbreviation and how many points

they are supposed to get. They have to add it up every day or week. The

difference is--they are doing the work of keeping track of everything, not me.

>

> They won't want to do this writing and math, but they won't get

their computer turn (or money) unless they do. This will work with my kids. The

Asperger one will throw a temper tantrum and take awhile to do it probably, but

he'll get over it and I'm sure he'll get better when he sees it doesn't get him

anything. Ditto for the NT one, just not as bad LOL.

>

> This seems like such a little thing, but it is what has kept

this from working consistently for me in the past. Working full-time with two

special needs people in the family--just not enough time and energy. But I think

we can do it this way.

>

> I'm going to keep the lists on the computer so I can create

smaller lists if they get too overwhelmed by the choices. I'll probably make a

hierarchy of lists too, i.e., these things have to be all done before we can go

on to list B etc.

>

> We couldn't do this when they were younger because the time

spent arguing with the NT one and dealing with meltdowns with the Asperger one

far outweighed getting anything done. I can't believe they have finally matured

to where we can maybe get this to work. It has been a long time coming.

>

[Guest guest]

Pam, I just got a book on executive function and our kids can be delayed and develop in these areas until age 27. "normal" people continue to develop until age 23 or 25, I can't remember offhand which it said. But anyway, plenty of time to learn more stuff!

Roxanna

"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." E. Burke

( ) How many others are struggling with chores, ADLs and obsessions?

>

> Date: Saturday, July 25, 2009, 11:29 AM

>

>

>

> Pam's post where she talked a little about the Yale folks got me thinking. I think what they are doing is pretty standard--the problem is one needs support and energy to follow through. (And one has to get to the point where one understands and accepts one's child is "different" and one has to do things "different" with them--not a problem with most of us once our kids have reached a certain age.)

>

> So, maybe we can provide each other the support and energy needed from our little list? I guess that is all what we are here for, right?

>

> I'm thinking the way this will work for us is me making up a list of chores, ADLs (activities of daily living), studying--everythin g--assign points to each. They have to have so many points to get an hour on the computer (the only reward that really works in our family at this age--isn't necessarily true of younger kids). For my NT child, I can sprinkle in a little money, if he is motivated--maybe even the Aspie. The list will have to be in table form and include columns for complete step-by-step instructions and how many points--perhaps a column for an abbreviation for said item--you'll see why in a minute.

>

> Now here is what is going to be different. The kids keep a list on a piece of notebook paper every day or week where they write down everything they do, one item per line, perhaps write the abbreviation and how many points they are supposed to get. They have to add it up every day or week. The difference is--they are doing the work of keeping track of everything, not me.

>

> They won't want to do this writing and math, but they won't get their computer turn (or money) unless they do. This will work with my kids. The Asperger one will throw a temper tantrum and take awhile to do it probably, but he'll get over it and I'm sure he'll get better when he sees it doesn't get him anything. Ditto for the NT one, just not as bad LOL.

>

> This seems like such a little thing, but it is what has kept this from working consistently for me in the past. Working full-time with two special needs people in the family--just not enough time and energy. But I think we can do it this way.

>

> I'm going to keep the lists on the computer so I can create smaller lists if they get too overwhelmed by the choices. I'll probably make a hierarchy of lists too, i.e., these things have to be all done before we can go on to list B etc.

>

> We couldn't do this when they were younger because the time spent arguing with the NT one and dealing with meltdowns with the Asperger one far outweighed getting anything done. I can't believe they have finally matured to where we can maybe get this to work. It has been a long time coming.

>

Hot Deals at Dell on Popular Laptops perfect for Back to School

[Guest guest]

>

>

> I used 'first/then' successfully yesterday.? lol.? My 20 yo ds (hfa) would

not mow the yard for days.? I asked, begged, demanded...nothing!? He came up

stairs last night and said, " Dinner? " and I said, " First mow lawn, then order

pizza. " ? Ahhh, sweet success.? lol.? Lawn was mowed, pizza was served, everyone

was happy.? :-)?

I saw articles about this. It is amazing, works on all ages! Even husbands (I

should know, I am one I used it to condition my children to love school (of

course it has it's limits). The articles explained that it has to do with people

wanting to live up to expectations of others. When they feel your image of them

is strong worker, they feel urged to work stronger. It often goes in the

opposite direction: When they feel you see them as a lazy fool, they

instinctively act that way in everything to live up to your lazy-fool

expectation. People can break out of it if they become aware and don't let you

control them this way, but they will still have the desire inside.

So I let my children know right away (starting preschool or K) that I saw lots

of smarts in them. It's important to be realistic, too. Point out the advances

they make (not just saying they could accomplish anything). My oldest (dd) loves

it the most. My second (ds) went beyond what I and his mom thought possible

although it was tougher because of Asperger's. Still when we talked he began to

talk about being smarter and solving things. That's great considering he hates

how the school teachers push him to advance to the higher math level and such.

[Guest guest]

Well, I agree that people can get caught up in how others view them. But I think this works because the other person wants something and you won't give it until you get your action completed first. Bribery. Dangling the carrot. lol. My ds does not really care what people think of him. He just wants dinner and I capitalized on that because I wanted my lawn mowed.

Roxanna

"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." E. Burke

( ) Re: How many others are struggling with chores, ADLs and obsessions?

>

>

> I used 'first/then' successfully yesterday.? lol.? My 20 yo ds (hfa) would not mow the yard for days.? I asked, begged, demanded...nothing!? He came up stairs last night and said, "Dinner?" and I said, "First mow lawn, then order pizza."? Ahhh, sweet success.? lol.? Lawn was mowed, pizza was served, everyone was happy.? :-)?

I saw articles about this. It is amazing, works on all ages! Even husbands (I should know, I am one I used it to condition my children to love school (of course it has it's limits). The articles explained that it has to do with people wanting to live up to expectations of others. When they feel your image of them is strong worker, they feel urged to work stronger. It often goes in the opposite direction: When they feel you see them as a lazy fool, they instinctively act that way in everything to live up to your lazy-fool expectation. People can break out of it if they become aware and don't let you control them this way, but they will still have the desire inside.

So I let my children know right away (starting preschool or K) that I saw lots of smarts in them. It's important to be realistic, too. Point out the advances they make (not just saying they could accomplish anything). My oldest (dd) loves it the most. My second (ds) went beyond what I and his mom thought possible although it was tougher because of Asperger's. Still when we talked he began to talk about being smarter and solving things. That's great considering he hates how the school teachers push him to advance to the higher math level and such.