Re: Re: Don't Forget the Positives - great newsletter article from Social Perspectives..

[Guest guest]

Glad you enjoyed it. We started focusing and complementing on the positives (even simple things like "thank you for using your inside voice") when Dylan was in the 3rd or 4th grade and he really responded to it. He's like your son in that he can be upset about something but then work through it and drop it pretty quickly. He perseveres like no other! He wakes up in a good mood and even when he's grumpy, it doesn't usually last very long.

"Over-optimism is waiting for you ship to come in when you haven't sent one out."

From: Miriam <callis4773@...> Sent: Monday, July 20, 2009 8:26:38 AMSubject: ( ) Re: Don't Forget the Positives - great newsletter article from Social Perspectives..

This is a really REALLY great article. I try very hard to focus on positives. Even during a meltdown I can find ways to use positive comments rather than negative. I say things like, "I know you're a great kid and you don't really want to behave that way." Which, by the way, ends most meltdowns my son has. It seems harder with my daughter some how. She gets in a negative mood and then no matter what anyone says she stays there. We went through this yesterday and I noticed that the more negative she became the more negative my husband became with her. Then I had to find a positive way to tell my husband to be positive with my daughter. LOL. I told him I didn't think she was feeling well which made him more negative. "If she's sick she should be in bed!" She wasn't sick she was sad and grumpy. I told him I didn't think it was a physical ailment and that she just needed to be hugged extra hard (paraphrasing from a simpsons episode that my husband totally

GETS). That worked well for everyone. My husband has some strong asperger traits but not quite enough for an official dx, I think. My daughter has the social skills but is anxious and obsessive. In many ways my husband and daughter are very similar. If one thing goes wrong the whole world is wrong wrong wrong and they hate life. Fortunately, I'm able to work with my daughter to help her with it. My husband has been doing the same thing for almost 49 years. It is much harder for him to change. Anyway, I try to use the focus on positive with everyone in my house regardless of any diagnosis because it makes us all feel better. If I say positive things to my kids I actually feel more positive about them. Sometimes I'll bring up stuff that they did YEARS ago that I thought were great. I want them to know that just because they're having a bad time now doesn't mean they've never had a good moment. My son is positive about 99% of the time and he's my asperger

kid. He's like me in this respect. Once a sad moment is over, it's over and never to be thought of again in most instances. Of course this makes it easier for me to understand him and deal with him. We are very alike. It is much harder for my daughter even though she doesn't have AS. So I find myself having to work harder with her.Now if I could JUST get my husband to focus on positive with ME rather than negative. If I do 9000 things in a day but there's laundry I haven't folded he gets upset about the laundry and non of the other stuff (driving 30 minutes to get to his office to take him his phone because he's forgotten it, making phone calls to figure out bills or taking kids to appointments) means NOTHING at that point. Oh well, I go to a counselor for that. Well and the kids are an endless source of positive comments. "You're the best mom in the whole world." "I love your grey hair." "I love your floppy arms, they're so soft." Even things

that seem negative can be positive to them. Me not being at the weight I'd like to be certainly doesn't make THEM think anything negative about me. I lost 30 lbs recently, though, and my daughter made me a little "Weight Loss Award" on her computer. She check my pedometer regularly to see how many steps I've done. MOMS NEED POSITIVES TOO! LOL.Thanks for posting this. I signed up for the newsletter.Miriam>> From the Social Perspectives newsletter.. .this is good advice! I've done this with my son quite a bunch since 4th grade and he's really responded to it...easy to overlook it though. Scroll all the way down to the end for info on how to get the newsletter sent directly to you.> ____________

_________ _________ ______> > Often times when someone puts a great deal of effort into a task or activity, they reap immediate rewards and/or reinforcements. Think about it. Working on and learning academic tasks results in good grades and recognition from parents and teachers. Performing or engaging in the arts results in compliments and references by others. Excelling in a sporting event may lead to a team or individual win or record. All of these things take effort and practice to refine over time.> > Social skills are assumed present in people. Many kids and adults really struggle on a consistent basis to be successful in social situations, yet don't often recognize or understand the natural consequences or "rewards". Though they may struggle their hardest just to "fit in" and seem to be a typical member of a social interaction, rarely does anyone say "gee, that was an awesome conversation you just had". >

> Sometimes we tend to focus on the deficits and therefore our reinforcement for behaviors and application of strategies and concepts leans on the side of improving or increasing social interaction. What about the day to day positive things that are occurring. People need to be reinforced for what they do well, not just the areas in need of improvement.> > All strategies and ideas taught to increase social interaction should not just address areas of need or explore difficult situations, but should also highlight and praise the positives that each individual possesses, even if those interactions seem very "typical" and "appropriate" in comparison to peers. Often it takes extra energy and concentration just to get by without standing out.> > So if you are utilizing Social Stories or Comic Strip Conversations (Carol Gray), Expected/Unexpected Behaviors ( Winner) or any other taught strategies, be sure to

also continue to use these to examine the areas where the individual is successful and acknowledge the effort and success that they are having. For example, use Social Stories to highlight areas of strength or even typical social behaviors that a child generally does fine with. Point out all of the "Expected" behaviors as well as how others feel, even if it isn't anything normally considered exceptionally great. Don't just focus on examining the difficult areas….use the proven strategies to examine areas of success as well. We all want to be acknowledged for things in which we put forth great effort, no matter how "average".> ____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ ____> > Thanks to new subscribers! If you would like to unsubscribe or you have an email change please do it by clicking the link at the bottom of the newsletter to update your subscription.> > ------------ --------- --------- ----> Did

someone forward this to you? Sign up to receive this email weekly, just enter your email address at http://www.socialpe rspectives. com/signup. html > > ------------ --------- --------- ----> If you have a specific question that you would like addressed, please email me by replying to this email. > > > > There are 50+ topics in the archive, visit it at> http://community. icontact. com/p/socialpers pectives>

[Guest guest]

Great post Miriam! Maybe your dh will catch on at some point? We can always hope. lol. Try asking him to think of something he notices that you've done well and maybe he will start looking around for it. Obviously the kids are learning how to focus on the positive from you!

Roxanna

"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." E. Burke

( ) Re: Don't Forget the Positives - great newsletter article from Social Perspectives..

This is a really REALLY great article. I try very hard

to focus on positives. Even during a meltdown I can find ways to use positive comments rather than negative. I say things like, "I know you're a great kid and you don't really want to behave that way." Which, by the way, ends most meltdowns my son has. It seems harder with my daughter some how. She gets in a negative mood and then no matter what anyone says she stays there. We went through this yesterday and I noticed that the more negative she became the more negative my husband became with her. Then I had to find a positive way to tell my husband to be positive with my daughter. LOL. I told him I didn't think she was feeling well which made him more negative. "If she's sick she should be in bed!" She wasn't sick she was sad and grumpy. I told him I didn't think it was a physical ailment and that she just needed to be hugged extra hard (paraphrasing from a simpsons episode that my husband totally GETS). That worked well for everyone. My husband has some strong asperger traits but not quite enough for an official dx, I think. My daughter has the social skills but is anxious and obsessive. In many ways my husband and daughter are very similar. If one thing goes wrong the whole world is wrong wrong wrong and they hate life. Fortunately, I'm able to work with my daughter to help her with it. My husband has been doing the same thing for almost 49 years. It is much harder for him to change. Anyway, I try to use the f

ocus on positive with everyone in my house regardless of any diagnosis because it makes us all feel better. If I say positive things to my kids I actually feel more positive about them. Sometimes I'll bring up stuff that they did YEARS ago that I thought were great. I want them to know that just because they're having a bad time now doesn't mean they've never had a good moment. My son is positive about 99% of the time and he's my asperger kid. He's like me in this respect. Once a sad moment is over, it's over and never to be thought of again in most instances. Of course this makes it easier for me to understand him and deal with him. We are very alike. It is much harder for my daughter even though she doesn't have AS. So I find myself having to work harder with her.

Now if I could JUST get my husband to focus on positive with ME rather than negative. If I do 9000 things in a day but there's laundry I haven't folded he gets upset about the laundry and non of the other stuff (driving 30 minutes to get to his office to take him his phone because he's forgotten it, making phone calls to figure out bills or taking kids to appointments) means NOTHING at that point. Oh well, I go to a counselor for that. Well and the kids are an endless source of positive comments. "You're the best mom in the whole world." "I love your grey hair." "I love your floppy arms, they're so soft." Even things that seem negative can be=2

0positive to them. Me not being at the weight I'd like to be certainly doesn't make THEM think anything negative about me. I lost 30 lbs recently, though, and my daughter made me a little "Weight Loss Award" on her computer. She check my pedometer regularly to see how many steps I've done. MOMS NEED POSITIVES TOO! LOL.

Thanks for posting this. I signed up for the newsletter.

Miriam

>

> From the Social Perspectives newsletter...this is good advice! I've done this with my son quite a bunch since 4th grade and he's really responded to it...easy to overlook it though. Scroll all the way down to the end for info on how to get the newsletter sent directly to you.

> ____________________________________

>

> Often times when someone puts a great deal of effort into a task or activity, they reap immediate rewards and/or reinforcements. Think about it. Working on and learning academic tasks results in good grades and recognition from parents and teachers. Performing or engaging in the arts results in compliments and references by others. Excelling in a sporting event may lead to a team or individual win or record. All of these things take effort and practice to refine over time.

>

> Social skills are assumed present in people. Many kids and adults reall

y struggle on a consistent basis to be successful in social situations, yet don't often recognize or understand the natural consequences or "rewards". Though they may struggle their hardest just to "fit in" and seem to be a typical member of a social interaction, rarely does anyone say "gee, that was an awesome conversation you just had".

>

> Sometimes we tend to focus on the deficits and therefore our reinforcement for behaviors and application of strategies and concepts leans on the side of improving or increasing social interaction. What about the day to day positive things that are occurring. People need to be reinforced for what they do well, not just the areas in need of improvement.

>

> All strategies and ideas taught to increase social interaction should not just address areas of need or explore difficult situations, but should also highlight and praise the positives that each individual possesses, even if those interactions seem very "typical" and "appropriate" in comparison to peers. Often it takes extra energy and concentration just to get by without standing out.

>

> So if you are utilizing Social Stories or Comic Strip Conversations (Carol Gray), Expected/Unexpected Behaviors ( Winner) or any other taught strategies, be sure to also continue to use these to examine the areas where the individual is successful and acknowledge the effort and success that they are having. For example, use Social Stories to highlight areas of strength or even typical social behaviors that a child generally does fine with. Point out all of the "Expected" behaviors as well as how others feel, even if it isn't anything normally considered exceptionally great. Don't just focus on examining the difficult areas….use the proven strategies to examine areas of success as well. We all want to be acknowledged for things in which we put forth great effort, no matter how "average".

> ____________________________________________________

>

> Thanks to new subscribers! If you would like to unsubscribe or you have an email change please do it by clicking the link at the bottom of the newsletter to update your subscription.

>

> ----------------------------------

> Did someone forward this to you? Sign up to receive this email weekly, just enter your email address at http://www.socialperspectives.com/signup.html

>

> ----------------------------------

> If you have a specific question that you would like addressed, please email me by replying to this email.

>

>

>

> There are 50+ topics in the archive, visit it at

> http://community.icontact.com/p/socialperspectives

>

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