Re: How do we know if we are doing the right thing?

[Guest guest]

My DS is also in his 2nd semester in a junior college. He flunked his one and only subject on Spring of 2010 which is a computer class- his expertise. he flunked because they were suppose to download a program to do their homework and he never did it, never bothered to ask us and the professor how to do it . We were totally hands off w/ him last sem, hoping he would do fine and I guess it did not work as he got an F. So this sem, we are trying to be more involved but it's so difficult. He has not let any of his prof. know about his dx. He is already behind in his syllabus in Psychology. Everytime I ask him where he's at and what he has accomplished, he just screams at me to STOP BOTHERING ME!! It is so tiring. He gets distracted with social

networking w/ younger friends (12-13 yo age). HOw many units does your DS son carry right now. AT least your Dis. Office seems to be working with you. My son is also enrolled in in Dis. off but he does not want to take advantage of it's services. I can't force him. AT least ur son listens to you. We are totally at a loss ourselves as to how to motivate him. Truly he is very, very rigid as well in his thinking. We threaten him w/ cutting off his friendships w/ these younger boys and he says it will make him more depressed- but it's these freindships that's keeping him from studying. it's sooo hard to find the balance and he's already 18 turning 19 in couple months. So I totally sympathize with your situation. Does your dis. office offer peer coaching?? It would be nice but ours does not. oh well!!

Vickie

From: grouppostings <iamgr8ful@...> Sent: Tue, February 15, 2011 9:32:38 AMSubject: ( ) How do we know if we are doing the right thing?

Our son has Aspergers and is attending college while living at home. He only recently registered with the disability office at the college, after much persuasion from us.Here's the situation. He has a terrible reaction to anything medical. It is nearly impossible to get a blood sample from him, for ex. If someone starts talking about a sickness or injury in detail, he will turn green, and began to panic. It seems to trigger a sensory overload for him. He was just beginning a lab class last week and the girl behind him collapsed. Someone yelled 'help!', everyone turned around to look at her; they were also looking towards him as he was right in front of her. Students reported on how badly she was doing and an ambulance was called. In all the commotion, he became overwhelmed and had a meltdown. He grabbed his books and drove straight home. I should add that DS had not informed the professors of his disability this semester, as he thinks he can

'make it through without that'.The next day, we suggested to DS that he get a letter of disability from the school office and take it to his professor to help explain why he left. (He is typically a very good and conscientious student) It turned out that the class did have an abbreviated lab, which he missed. He took the letter to his Prof, who asked 'what does this mean??'. He has much difficulty in conversing, became anxious, and apparently told her he has a reaction to medical issues and that's why he left. She suggested he 'take a few deep breaths' next time and then return to class. He did NOT mention asperger's as he felt like she would judge him or others would find out. He came home completely depressed and decided it is his weakness that has caused this trouble. The Prof also told him he needs to go talk to the Grad student who led the lab if he still wants to see if he can make up the work. My DS views the Grad Student as a peer, of sorts,

and he has no private office - so DS definitely doesn't want him to know of his diagnosis.Now, the Disability Director has emailed DS and asked how it went and if he needed to come in and talk with him about further assistance. DS told me he emailed back that he doesn't feel comfortable discussing this with the Grad student, and has decided it wasn't worth the hassle to regain a few points. DS wants to leave it at that.Do we try to coerce DS into talking to the Dis. Office further and hopefully, even into disclosing his diagnosis to the Professor, at least. That would help to explain his absence and possibly help him learn to work through this.DS is convinced he needs to learn to tough it out and thinks if he can read more medical literature and study medical subjects online that he can get over this issue. We think the issue is more about letting instructors know of his dx and getting appropriate accommodations. He still views this

as a weakness. DS is very, very rigid in his thinking. My husband says we can't force him to do it ... but he does listen to us and he may change his mind if we really press this issue. The downside is that we press the issue, DS becomes depressed again and drops school. At least that is what DH is concerned about ... putting too much pressure on DS and making it worse for him.Sorry for the length - I am just looking for some feedback.Thanks,Mel

[Guest guest]

My question is, is he on an anti-depressant. And if not I would

recommend it for medical anxiety. A low dose of zoloft may

eliminate his panic and avoid these situations.

My daughter is on 50mg, I think she may be able to get by on

25mg. I don't see any reason to live with panic

attacks.

If you are worried about how he will respond to them, you

can have a DNA drug sensitivity test done at the Mayo

Clinic or else at Cincinnati Children's Hospital

(you can get their kit and have a check swab).

If he has AS and he has panic and you find out if he is

a poor metobolizer of any of the common p450 pathways

you will be able to pinpoint a drug that won't work

and look for ones that do.

He doesn't want to tell and be judged. But he may

need some accomodations. He has to work with a therapist or parent

to help him see the benefit of trusting that some people

will want to help him achieve his goals. He needs to

be his own advocate unless he is going to have a guardian

help him in certain aspects of his life. Another skill

for him to learn to get comfortable with.

Pam

accomodation that perhaps others wouldn't get.

>

> Our son has Aspergers and is attending college while living at home. He only

recently registered with the disability office at the college, after much

persuasion from us.

> Here's the situation. He has a terrible reaction to anything medical. It is

nearly impossible to get a blood sample from him, for ex. If someone starts

talking about a sickness or injury in detail, he will turn green, and began to

panic. It seems to trigger a sensory overload for him.

> He was just beginning a lab class last week and the girl behind him collapsed.

Someone yelled 'help!', everyone turned around to look at her; they were also

looking towards him as he was right in front of her. Students reported on how

badly she was doing and an ambulance was called. In all the commotion, he

became overwhelmed and had a meltdown. He grabbed his books and drove straight

home. I should add that DS had not informed the professors of his disability

this semester, as he thinks he can 'make it through without that'.

> The next day, we suggested to DS that he get a letter of disability from the

school office and take it to his professor to help explain why he left. (He is

typically a very good and conscientious student) It turned out that the class

did have an abbreviated lab, which he missed. He took the letter to his Prof,

who asked 'what does this mean??'. He has much difficulty in conversing, became

anxious, and apparently told her he has a reaction to medical issues and that's

why he left. She suggested he 'take a few deep breaths' next time and then

return to class. He did NOT mention asperger's as he felt like she would judge

him or others would find out. He came home completely depressed and decided it

is his weakness that has caused this trouble. The Prof also told him he needs

to go talk to the Grad student who led the lab if he still wants to see if he

can make up the work. My DS views the Grad Student as a peer, of sorts, and he

has no private office - so DS definitely doesn't want him to know of his

diagnosis.

>

> Now, the Disability Director has emailed DS and asked how it went and if he

needed to come in and talk with him about further assistance. DS told me he

emailed back that he doesn't feel comfortable discussing this with the Grad

student, and has decided it wasn't worth the hassle to regain a few points. DS

wants to leave it at that.

>

> Do we try to coerce DS into talking to the Dis. Office further and hopefully,

even into disclosing his diagnosis to the Professor, at least. That would help

to explain his absence and possibly help him learn to work through this.

> DS is convinced he needs to learn to tough it out and thinks if he can read

more medical literature and study medical subjects online that he can get over

this issue. We think the issue is more about letting instructors know of his dx

and getting appropriate accommodations. He still views this as a weakness. DS

is very, very rigid in his thinking. My husband says we can't force him to do it

.... but he does listen to us and he may change his mind if we really press this

issue. The downside is that we press the issue, DS becomes depressed again and

drops school. At least that is what DH is concerned about ... putting too much

pressure on DS and making it worse for him.

>

> Sorry for the length - I am just looking for some feedback.

> Thanks,

> Mel

>

[Guest guest]

My son, now 22, went to our local community college his first 2 years, so lived

at home.

We did use the disability office to get a 504 Plan set up for him to use *if

needed* based on what he had in high school. Though actually he never really

used the 504 Plan most of high school. But college was going to be " new " and I

wanted it for him. So, yeah, I sort of pushed him into that. He signed a

permission that the Office could talk to me about it, etc.

So - that disability counselor took & together met with teachers. So

they knew he had OCD and Aspergers, also dysgraphia dx. And never used

any of his accommodations/504 Plan. Didn't even bother meeting with any

teachers about it at the start of following semesters. He did get stressed at

times, I'd remind him he had the Plan, did he want to talk to the teachers --

" no. " He did well at the commnity college.

So - transfers to a university (UNC-CH) for final 2 years and does not want them

to know, didn't register. Well - he didn't use the Plan at local level.

Seriously - he could have used it but, like your son, wouldn't. Maybe out of

stubborness too. He also thinks he needs to " tough it out " and get over his OCD

on his own (he has recurring " bad thoughts " with OCD, and a few other).

Anyway, as I read about your son, I could easily see mine saying the same. I

do applaud your son, that he is trying to get past his problem with

illness/medical stuff. I do sort of see his point about the grad student. The

teachers/profs really have to keep it confidential, I would think those who work

under them would too. But I would wonder since they are, as your son said, a

peer type too.

Maybe if you say something to him about if it happens a second time, as then

there will most likely be a 3rd time, 4th... And remind him that so many other

students have also registered with the Disab Ofc, that's why it's there, there

are students who need it; probably ADHD, bipolar, and many other dx, including

some with Aspergers.

Quick thoughts. No help though, sorry. But I do understand!

>

> Our son has Aspergers and is attending college while living at home. He only

recently registered with the disability office at the college, after much

persuasion from us.

> Here's the situation. He has a terrible reaction to anything medical. It is

nearly impossible to get a blood sample from him, for ex. If someone starts

talking about a sickness or injury in detail, he will turn green, and began to

panic. It seems to trigger a sensory overload for him.

[Guest guest]

- I always like to read your posts. I think our sons are very much alike and mine is 14. It's good to see how your son is progressing through life. Right now our plan is for D to attend a community college for 2 years, like your son, and live at home. I like the idea of setting it all up in case he needs it (504/accommodations) but letting him decide if he wants to use it. Definitely tucking that feather in the back of my cap!

Thanks!

From: <@...> Sent: Tue, February 15, 2011 9:16:50 PMSubject: ( ) Re: How do we know if we are doing the right thing?

My son, now 22, went to our local community college his first 2 years, so lived at home. We did use the disability office to get a 504 Plan set up for him to use *if needed* based on what he had in high school. Though actually he never really used the 504 Plan most of high school. But college was going to be "new" and I wanted it for him. So, yeah, I sort of pushed him into that. He signed a permission that the Office could talk to me about it, etc. So - that disability counselor took & together met with teachers. So they knew he had OCD and Aspergers, also dysgraphia dx. And never used any of his accommodations/504 Plan. Didn't even bother meeting with any teachers about it at the start of following semesters. He did get stressed at times, I'd remind him he had the Plan, did he want to talk to the teachers -- "no." He did well at the commnity college. So - transfers to a university (UNC-CH) for final 2

years and does not want them to know, didn't register. Well - he didn't use the Plan at local level. Seriously - he could have used it but, like your son, wouldn't. Maybe out of stubborness too. He also thinks he needs to "tough it out" and get over his OCD on his own (he has recurring "bad thoughts" with OCD, and a few other). Anyway, as I read about your son, I could easily see mine saying the same. I do applaud your son, that he is trying to get past his problem with illness/medical stuff. I do sort of see his point about the grad student. The teachers/profs really have to keep it confidential, I would think those who work under them would too. But I would wonder since they are, as your son said, a peer type too. Maybe if you say something to him about if it happens a second time, as then there will most likely be a 3rd time, 4th... And remind him that so many other students have also registered with the Disab Ofc, that's why

it's there, there are students who need it; probably ADHD, bipolar, and many other dx, including some with Aspergers. Quick thoughts. No help though, sorry. But I do understand! >> Our son has Aspergers and is attending college while living at home. He only recently registered with the disability office at the college, after much persuasion from us.> Here's the situation. He has a terrible reaction to anything medical. It is nearly impossible to get a blood sample from him, for ex. If someone starts talking about a sickness or injury in detail, he will turn green, and began to panic. It seems to trigger a sensory overload for him.

[Guest guest]

Thanks , but you know he is stubborn to the point that when he could

benefit from using the Plan, he won't, he will just stay stressed, push himself.

But then at least he is pushing himself, just that I hate watching the frantic

stressful part. But then I'm one who doesn't do " last minute " , if something is

due (talking schoolwork) then I've got it done before due date, not still up

working on it into the night or morning it's due. But maybe planning ahead like

that isn't a strong point for them, even with my nagging ahead of time to get

started, lol.

>

> - I always like to read your posts. I think our sons are very much

alike

> and mine is 14. It's good to see how your son is progressing through life. 

> Right now our plan is for D to attend a community college for 2 years, like

> your son, and live at home. I like the idea of setting it all up in case he

> needs it (504/accommodations) but letting him decide if he wants to use

[Guest guest]

My son is also in college. He is registered with the disability office, but

never goes there. So far he has just avoided the classes where he would need

accommodations. He is also trying to tough things out and pretend to be just

like everyone else when sometimes he can barely function because he is so

stressed. So the only accommodation he actually uses is early registration. But

he won't be able to do this much longer. He will have to take those required

classes he has been avoiding.

Can't the disability office step in and discuss the purpose of the disability

letter with faculty and help explain what's going on? Can you or someone else he

trusts go with him when he meets with faculty and help speak for him? I've heard

from other parents that sometimes faculty don't understand that they are

supposed to comply with whatever is said in the disability letter.

I think you are right that the issue is less about medical issues and more about

your son coming to terms with his diagnosis and learning that sometimes he will

have to disclose his disability. He isn't weak to need a little help now and

then. The accommodations are more about leveling the playing the field and

giving him an equal chance.

Does he belong to any clubs on campus? I found a list of clubs and their meeting

schedules online and pretty much told my son to join a club. I told him that I

did that in college and that's how I met my friends. Eventually he joined a club

and never misses a meeting. He has actually made some friends who sometimes want

to see a movie with him or meet him for dinner.

[Guest guest]

I wanted to thank everyone who took the time to answer my original post. We

suggested DS just go visit the Dis Office and see what they had to say. For

quite a while we received a very adamant 'no'. He will correct his problems on

his own, he says. Same rigid thinking. Yesterday morning, DH brought it up

again to DS. DH said to at least think about it. DS said, okay, but 'no', he

doesn't think the Professor's original reaction seemed like she even cared.

Later, I talked to him a little and asked him to promise to think about it. I

have to say that he does take a l-o-n-g time to process things. While DS was at

school yesterday, he did email the Dis Director and said he'd meet with him at

11am today. Progress?... maybe. lol

Last night he was very stressed and anxious and I questioned whether we had

really accomplished anything. He admitted that he's only going because 'You and

Dad seem to think it's such a big deal!'. He said he's has 'no idea what to say

to the Director!' and he will have to come up with something to discuss before

the meeting. (Why, oh why, does he always need to feel totally prepared, almost

with a script, before he can meet with anybody?!)

I offered, " why not just tell him your experience. That it didn't work out like

you had planned, the Professor blatantly said 'what does this mean??', and that

you need help telling her that you have Asperger's " . He's mulling that over

now. He still doesn't see the need to tell his professors of his dx. Even

though he knows he's already missed one lab due to it. And he will not ask

professors any questions in class. I told him they will likely be more

receptive to him if they know. And, I borrowed some of the words I read from

all of you (Thank You!). Mentioning that they are truly there to help him

achieve his goals!. He is going to have to trust one of them at some point.

We'll see what happens later today.

Pam, he is not on any medication. Unfortunately refuses to take anything that

might alter his focus. He does not take medicine and that's a real tough issue

with him. We've had long discussions on this and he has lately changed his

thoughts to medication only as a last resort. I really appreciate the

information you sent. The idea of him trying medication and having a negative

reaction to the first one has always been in the back of my mind.

Vickie, I appreciate hearing that others are going through the same issues. It

can feel so alone out here. Our son does not always catch the verbal

instructions rattled off from the Professors, and he'd rather spend days trying

to figure it out himself, than to ask for a recap. I think it's good that your

son does some social networking. Our DS does none. I have suggested some of

the Asperger's online forums but I believe he's only posted one time.

, I've gone with him to meet the Dis Dir, but DS doesn'tt want me to go

with him to the prof office as the other students are all around, and I might be

seen. LOL I initially thought the Dis Dir would include the dx (Aspie, OCD) in

the letter to the Prof's, but according to the laws, he says, it only states

that DS has some sort of disability. When I spoke to him the other day, he

finally told me that if DS agrees (and only IF), they can also inform the Prof

what the disability is. So, I'm hoping DS will ask for that assistance today.

He doesn't belong to any clubs. Too much fear of being 'forced to socialize'.

I always appreciate your messages. Our DS's are very similar, I believe.

I used your words about the Dis office serving all types of Disabilities, and he

is not the only one who needs those services. Also brought up the point that

sharing his dx now would be very beneficial if he should need assistance down

the road.

Thanks again to everyone who helped. This is truly a roller coaster ride.

Melani

....<snip, snip> DS is very, very rigid in his thinking. My husband says we can't

force him to do it ... but he does listen to us and he may change his mind if we

really press this issue. The downside is that we press the issue, DS becomes

depressed again and drops school. At least that is what DH is concerned about

.... putting too much pressure on DS and making it worse for him.

> Sorry for the length - I am just looking for some feedback.

> Thanks, Mel

[Guest guest]

Melani, well at least he is considering it and did make contact. I'd make sure

to mention the OCD or at least anxiety due to that incident that upset him. His

reaction could have been " on behalf of the Aspie " part but sounds like the

OCD/anxiety/panic type thing was more the trigger.

I saw one way our sons are opposite, asked way too many questions in

classes, I had to talk to him about that more than once back in middle/high

school.

I wish him luck, he sounds a lot like . He refuses all meds too, can't

sway him.

>

> I wanted to thank everyone who took the time to answer my original post. We

suggested DS just go visit the Dis Office and see what they had to say. For

quite a while we received a very adamant 'no'. He will correct his problems on

his own, he says. Same rigid thinking. Yesterday morning, DH brought it up

again to DS. DH said to at least think about it. DS said, okay, but 'no', he

doesn't think the Professor's original reaction seemed like she even cared.

Later, I