Re: My NT child wants to hurt my PDD NOS child...

[Guest guest]

Sounds like time for family counseling, asds are hard on the whole family

On 3/19/11, Carolyn <ccweisbard@...> wrote:

> Ok, please don't yell at me, I am already feeling like a terrible mother

> tonight.... Not only did my ASD daughter go to find her NT sister at her

> friends house and it took me forever to figure it out (I thought she had

> fallen asleep in her room), but I then found her in our neighbor's backyard-

> there is a hole in the fence- (with a swimming pool) in her swimming suit.

> I then found out from my NT daughter that she had " hatched " a plan to hurt

> her little sister because she is tired of her things getting ruined and

> having to pick up messes that her sister helps to make.... I can't tell my

> husband because he will totally lose it towards my NT daughter and me, and I

> can't ask my mother what to do because she will blame it on my husband.....

> I of course punished my older daughter and talked with her, but feel it

> isn't enough.... Has anyone been through this before???

> Carolyn

> Ps don't worry I turned the alarm on on our door, and will be getting fence

> posts to fix the fence....

>

> Sent from my iPad

>

> On Mar 19, 2011, at 4:48 PM, " Frasca " <frasca.nancy@...> wrote:

>

>>

>>

>>

>> >

>> > >

>> >

>> > >

>> >

>> > > Hi I have an eleven year old boy with aspergers,adhd and bipolar. His

>> >

>> > > out bursts usually occur at home and its always when we say no. He has

>> >

>> > > recently been picked on alot since he is in 6th grade middle school.

>> > > So

>> >

>> > > far I am looking into the following schools so if anyone has had any

>> >

>> > > experiences with any of them I would greatly appreciate your feed

>> > > back.

>> >

>> > > I am in northern new jersey. thank you so much and here they are.

>> >

>> > >

>> >

>> > > Chapel Hill Acadmey, Cornerstone day school, Calais, Sage day school.

>> >

>> > > Not sure if i need to go the real clinical psychiatric route as some

>> >

>> > > kids may really have worse behavior and outbursts or the schools that

>> >

>> > > work on a point and reward system for him.

>> >

>> > >

>> >

>>

>>

>

--

Sent from my mobile device

-mom to a boy and his 5 sisters

http://thatmomof6.blogspot.com

[Guest guest]

Sounds like big sister needs to go to counseling to work on her feelings. I can imagine it is very hard to have a special needs sibling. Sister needs to have some way of expressing that in a more positive way so her sister is not hurt. And maybe you can also find things to do with the older one that is without her sister - take her bowling alone with one of you or something that would give her some quality one-on-one time. Make it a once a week date or something? Maybe then she would even talk more about her feelings. ?? I know that sounds like a reward for bad behavior, but she is acting out because she needs the extra attention, probably. I mean, I am just guessing from your email. A counselor could help you sort it out.

Also, find a way to help her protect her things if possible. It's important that she has her own space, which we all need. I've gotten my kids things like a little safe so they could lock up their things. Kids love that stuff and it does help with their privacy. Or work something out so you can make the older sister's room off limits to the younger somehow. I mean, I don't know how things work at your house - but try to come up with ideas like that to make your older dd feel less like wanting to harm her sister.

Another thought - look around your community for resources. Granted, they may be few and far between. But I have heard of some places that have sibling classes or groups. They finally had one in our area but it was for younger kids at the time so I couldn't send my dd. But that might really help if she could see that she is not alone in living with a sibling who has special needs. There are also books out there written about siblings or for them. You could try looking some up and see what that might help.

Roxanna

May those who love us, love us

And those who don't love us,

May God turn their hearts

And if he can't turn their hearts,

May he turn their ankles

So we will know them by their limping!

( ) My NT child wants to hurt my PDD NOS child...

Ok, please don't yell at me, I am already feeling like a terrible mother tonight.... Not only did my ASD daughter go to find her NT sister at her friends house and it took me forever to figure it out (I thought she had fallen asleep in her room), but I then found her in our neighbor's backyard- there is a hole in the fence- (with a swimming pool) in her swimming suit. I then found out from my NT daughter that she had "hatched" a plan to hurt her little sister because she is tired of her things getting ruined and having to pick up messes that her sister helps to make.... I can't tell my husband because he will totally lose it towards my NT daughter and me, and I can't ask my mother what to do because she will blame it on my husband..... I of course punished my older daughter and talked with her, but feel it isn't enough.... Has anyone been through this before???

Carolyn

Ps don't worry I turned the alarm on on our door, and will be getting fence posts to fix the fence....

Sent from my iPad

On Mar 19, 2011, at 4:48 PM, " Frasca" <frasca.nancy@...> wrote:

>

> >

>

> >

>

> > Hi I have an eleven year old boy with aspergers,adhd and bipolar. His

>

> > out bursts usually occur at home and its always when we say no. He has

>

> > recently been picked on alot since he is in 6th grade middle school. So

>

> > far I am looking into the following schools so if anyone has had any

>

> > experiences with any of them I would greatly appreciate your feed back.

>

> > I am in northern new jersey. thank you so much and here they are.

>

> >

>

> > Chapel Hill Acadmey, Cornerstone day school, Calais, Sage day school.

>

> > Not sure if i need to go the real clinical psychiatric route as some

>

> > kids may really have worse behavior and outbursts or the schools that

>

> > work on a point and reward system for him.

>

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks Roxanna. It is definitely a challenge. She shares a room with her sister and has always begged to do so. I have given her the opportunity to have her own room (even have an extra one) but just now a few days ago was the first time she ever even considered it. What is weird is that she refuses to go to sleep away from her little sister.... She has a "treasure chest" that locks with a key, and I have encouraged her to keep it away from her sister, but she doesn't. She sleeps on the top bunk, but tends to invite her sister up. She is involved in Girl Scouts, Soccer and a church group, and definitely has much more freedom and activities (fun stuff) than her sister does. It is hard for me to understand this, she has time alone

with mom and dad often. Anyway, thanks for helping, I am working to find her a counselor, I am worried about saying anything to her school counselor, that she will call CPS or something....

Carolyn

From: Roxanna <MadIdeas@...> Sent: Sun, March 20, 2011 10:07:11 AMSubject: Re: ( ) My NT child wants to hurt my PDD NOS child...

Sounds like big sister needs to go to counseling to work on her feelings. I can imagine it is very hard to have a special needs sibling. Sister needs to have some way of expressing that in a more positive way so her sister is not hurt. And maybe you can also find things to do with the older one that is without her sister - take her bowling alone with one of you or something that would give her some quality one-on-one time. Make it a once a week date or something? Maybe then she would even talk more about her feelings. ?? I know that sounds like a reward for bad behavior, but she is acting out because she needs the extra attention, probably. I mean, I am just guessing from your email. A counselor could help you sort it out. Also, find a

way to help her protect her things if possible. It's important that she has her own space, which we all need. I've gotten my kids things like a little safe so they could lock up their things. Kids love that stuff and it does help with their privacy. Or work something out so you can make the older sister's room off limits to the younger somehow. I mean, I don't know how things work at your house - but try to come up with ideas like that to make your older dd feel less like wanting to harm her sister. Another thought - look around your community for resources. Granted, they may be few and far between. But I have heard of some places that have sibling classes or groups. They finally had one in our area but it was for younger kids at the time so I couldn't send my dd. But that might really help if she could see that she is not alone in living with a sibling who has special

needs. There are also books out there written about siblings or for them. You could try looking some up and see what that might help.

RoxannaMay those who love us, love usAnd those who don't love us,May God turn their heartsAnd if he can't turn their hearts,May he turn their anklesSo we will know them by their limping!

( ) My NT child wants to hurt my PDD NOS child...

Ok, please don't yell at me, I am already feeling like a terrible mother tonight.... Not only did my ASD daughter go to find her NT sister at her friends house and it took me forever to figure it out (I thought she had fallen asleep in her room), but I then found her in our neighbor's backyard- there is a hole in the fence- (with a swimming pool) in her swimming suit. I then found out from my NT daughter that she had "hatched" a plan to hurt her little sister because she is tired of her things getting ruined and having to pick up messes that her sister helps to make.... I can't tell my husband because he will totally lose it towards my NT daughter and me, and I can't ask my mother what to do because she will blame it on my husband..... I of course punished my older daughter and talked with her, but feel it isn't enough.... Has anyone been through this before???

Carolyn

Ps don't worry I turned the alarm on on our door, and will be getting fence posts to fix the fence....Sent from my iPad

On Mar 19, 2011, at 4:48 PM, " Frasca" <frasca.nancy@...> wrote:

> > >> > > > > > Hi I have an eleven year old boy with aspergers,adhd and

bipolar. His> > > out bursts usually occur at home and its always when we say no. He has> > > recently been picked on alot since he is in 6th grade middle school. So> > > far I am looking into the following schools so if anyone has had any> > > experiences with any of them I would greatly appreciate your feed back.> > > I am in northern new jersey. thank you so much and here they are.> > > > > > Chapel Hill Acadmey, Cornerstone day school, Calais, Sage day school. > > > Not sure if i need to go the real clinical psychiatric route as some> > > kids may really have worse behavior and outbursts or the schools that> > > work on a point and reward system for him.> > >>

[Guest guest]

I agree, I would definitely see about starting family counselling. I haven't

had this problem personally but NONE of my three kids are NT, but if any of them

started acting out in any way that would hurt the other like that, I would see

about counselling. If you can't afford traditional counselling. You could see

what any local churches have to offer. In the mean time, try to think about

ways your NT might be feeling left out or neglected and try to address those

issues on your own as well. Sneak in some extra praise when she is nice to her

sister and make sure she has some personal space as well. Like I said I am not

personally going through this so I won't even try to say I know how you feel,

but all siblings get into it and you wouldn't feel so terrible if your daughter

didn't have autism. So take a deep breath and stop blaming yourself, you have

no reason to.

> >> >

> >> > >

> >> >

> >> > >

> >> >

> >> > > Hi I have an eleven year old boy with aspergers,adhd and bipolar. His

> >> >

> >> > > out bursts usually occur at home and its always when we say no. He has

> >> >

> >> > > recently been picked on alot since he is in 6th grade middle school.

> >> > > So

> >> >

> >> > > far I am looking into the following schools so if anyone has had any

> >> >

> >> > > experiences with any of them I would greatly appreciate your feed

> >> > > back.

> >> >

> >> > > I am in northern new jersey. thank you so much and here they are.

> >> >

> >> > >

> >> >

> >> > > Chapel Hill Acadmey, Cornerstone day school, Calais, Sage day school.

> >> >

> >> > > Not sure if i need to go the real clinical psychiatric route as some

> >> >

> >> > > kids may really have worse behavior and outbursts or the schools that

> >> >

> >> > > work on a point and reward system for him.

> >> >

> >> > >

> >> >

> >>

> >>

> >

>

> --

> Sent from my mobile device

>

> -mom to a boy and his 5 sisters

> http://thatmomof6.blogspot.com

>

[Guest guest]

Carolyn,

My younger daughter is noticing that her sister is "different" and outlashing too! Instead of anything physical she is calling her a "loser" and other rather rude names. I am sorry I don't have any advice since I am knew at all this, but wanted to let you know I understand the pain.

Stefanie

From: Roxanna <MadIdeas@...> Sent: Sun, March 20, 2011 11:07:11 AMSubject: Re: ( ) My NT child wants to hurt my PDD NOS child...

Sounds like big sister needs to go to counseling to work on her feelings. I can imagine it is very hard to have a special needs sibling. Sister needs to have some way of expressing that in a more positive way so her sister is not hurt. And maybe you can also find things to do with the older one that is without her sister - take her bowling alone with one of you or something that would give her some quality one-on-one time. Make it a once a week date or something? Maybe then she would even talk more about her feelings. ?? I know that sounds like a reward for bad behavior, but she is acting out because she needs the extra attention, probably. I mean, I am just guessing from your email. A counselor could help you sort it out. Also, find a

way to help her protect her things if possible. It's important that she has her own space, which we all need. I've gotten my kids things like a little safe so they could lock up their things. Kids love that stuff and it does help with their privacy. Or work something out so you can make the older sister's room off limits to the younger somehow. I mean, I don't know how things work at your house - but try to come up with ideas like that to make your older dd feel less like wanting to harm her sister. Another thought - look around your community for resources. Granted, they may be few and far between. But I have heard of some places that have sibling classes or groups. They finally had one in our area but it was for younger kids at the time so I couldn't send my dd. But that might really help if she could see that she is not alone in living with a sibling who has special

needs. There are also books out there written about siblings or for them. You could try looking some up and see what that might help.

RoxannaMay those who love us, love usAnd those who don't love us,May God turn their heartsAnd if he can't turn their hearts,May he turn their anklesSo we will know them by their limping!

( ) My NT child wants to hurt my PDD NOS child...

Ok, please don't yell at me, I am already feeling like a terrible mother tonight.... Not only did my ASD daughter go to find her NT sister at her friends house and it took me forever to figure it out (I thought she had fallen asleep in her room), but I then found her in our neighbor's backyard- there is a hole in the fence- (with a swimming pool) in her swimming suit. I then found out from my NT daughter that she had "hatched" a plan to hurt her little sister because she is tired of her things getting ruined and having to pick up messes that her sister helps to make.... I can't tell my husband because he will totally lose it towards my NT daughter and me, and I can't ask my mother what to do because she will blame it on my husband..... I of course punished my older daughter and talked with her, but feel it isn't enough.... Has anyone been through this before???

Carolyn

Ps don't worry I turned the alarm on on our door, and will be getting fence posts to fix the fence....Sent from my iPad

On Mar 19, 2011, at 4:48 PM, " Frasca" <frasca.nancy@...> wrote:

> > >> > > > > > Hi I have an eleven year old boy with aspergers,adhd and

bipolar. His> > > out bursts usually occur at home and its always when we say no. He has> > > recently been picked on alot since he is in 6th grade middle school. So> > > far I am looking into the following schools so if anyone has had any> > > experiences with any of them I would greatly appreciate your feed back.> > > I am in northern new jersey. thank you so much and here they are.> > > > > > Chapel Hill Acadmey, Cornerstone day school, Calais, Sage day school. > > > Not sure if i need to go the real clinical psychiatric route as some> > > kids may really have worse behavior and outbursts or the schools that> > > work on a point and reward system for him.> > >>

[Guest guest]

don't beat yourself up. This is definitely a difficult thing. What was this

plan to hurt your ASD child? Was the hole in the fence/pool incident the actual

plan? Tell your older daughter that you are glad she told the truth and get

some help from a counselor. I know my own daughter feels hurt and sad sometimes

when she has to suffer as a result of her brother's asperger syndrome.

Counselors can help with practical suggestions for resolving these problems.

Your older daughter needs to learn ways of dealing with the things that happen

with her sister and your ASD daughter can learn things too.

The fact that you care and are worried and are asking for help should be enough

to prove to anyone you are not a terrible mother. I know it feels bad but you

are doing the best you can in a difficult situation. Keep coming and asking.

We can't always come up with solutions but we can listen and tell you that you

ARE a good mom. Nobody is a perfect mom and the best anyone can do is " good

enough " . Google " Good Enough Parenting " and you'll find some articles on it.

Here is a quote:

" It is essential to remember that our failures can in part create the healthy

disappointments that children must work through to gain strength. However, these

are the inevitable failures that occur, despite our best and determined efforts

to be attuned and to provide the most optimal environment we can for our

children. Therefore we will not have to concern ourselves with perfection.

Thankfully we can narrow our focus to being the best parent we can along this

path of family making we have all chosen, and turn our attention towards a

deeper understanding of what it means to be attuned to our children. Then we can

rest assured that our natural failings will be enough to provide our children

with some appropriate frustration along the way! "

Perfection is not only not necessary, it is not desirable. You are working to

do better, learning from mistakes, moving on from previous mistakes. I think

kids also can tell when we're trying really hard. They may not think about it

until much later but it gets in there. Of course you can tell them if they're

old enough to have the conversation. " I know this is really hard and I feel

like I'm really screwing up but I'm not sure what to do and it will take me a

while to figure out what is best. " My kids seem to be very responsive to this

kind of conversation. They say things like, " You're a great mom and even though

you made a mistake we love you anyway. "

Hugs,

Miriam

> > >

> > > >

> > >

> > > >

> > >

> > > > Hi I have an eleven year old boy with aspergers,adhd and bipolar. His

> > >

> > > > out bursts usually occur at home and its always when we say no. He has

> > >

> > > > recently been picked on alot since he is in 6th grade middle school. So

> > >

> > > > far I am looking into the following schools so if anyone has had any

> > >

> > > > experiences with any of them I would greatly appreciate your feed back.

> > >

> > > > I am in northern new jersey. thank you so much and here they are.

> > >

> > > >

> > >

> > > > Chapel Hill Acadmey, Cornerstone day school, Calais, Sage day school.

> > >

> > > > Not sure if i need to go the real clinical psychiatric route as some

> > >

> > > > kids may really have worse behavior and outbursts or the schools that

> > >

> > > > work on a point and reward system for him.

> > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I think the hole in the fence was created by the dog.... Her plan was to get her sister to go jump in the pool knowing that her sister cannot swim.... Thank goodness her sister was afraid to jump in

Carolyn

From: mimasdprofile <callis4773@...> Sent: Sun, March 20, 2011 12:52:36 PMSubject: ( ) Re: My NT child wants to hurt my PDD NOS child...

don't beat yourself up. This is definitely a difficult thing. What was this plan to hurt your ASD child? Was the hole in the fence/pool incident the actual plan? Tell your older daughter that you are glad she told the truth and get some help from a counselor. I know my own daughter feels hurt and sad sometimes when she has to suffer as a result of her brother's asperger syndrome. Counselors can help with practical suggestions for resolving these problems. Your older daughter needs to learn ways of dealing with the things that happen with her sister and your ASD daughter can learn things too.The fact that you care and are worried and are asking for help should be enough to prove to anyone you are not a terrible mother. I know it feels bad but you are doing the best you can in a difficult situation. Keep coming and asking. We can't always come up with solutions but we can listen and tell you that you ARE a good mom. Nobody is a perfect mom and

the best anyone can do is "good enough". Google "Good Enough Parenting" and you'll find some articles on it. Here is a quote: "It is essential to remember that our failures can in part create the healthy disappointments that children must work through to gain strength. However, these are the inevitable failures that occur, despite our best and determined efforts to be attuned and to provide the most optimal environment we can for our children. Therefore we will not have to concern ourselves with perfection. Thankfully we can narrow our focus to being the best parent we can along this path of family making we have all chosen, and turn our attention towards a deeper understanding of what it means to be attuned to our children. Then we can rest assured that our natural failings will be enough to provide our children with some appropriate frustration along the way!"Perfection is not only not necessary, it is not desirable. You are

working to do better, learning from mistakes, moving on from previous mistakes. I think kids also can tell when we're trying really hard. They may not think about it until much later but it gets in there. Of course you can tell them if they're old enough to have the conversation. "I know this is really hard and I feel like I'm really screwing up but I'm not sure what to do and it will take me a while to figure out what is best." My kids seem to be very responsive to this kind of conversation. They say things like, "You're a great mom and even though you made a mistake we love you anyway."Hugs,Miriam > > > > > > >> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > Hi I have an eleven year old boy with aspergers,adhd and bipolar. His> > > > > > > out bursts usually occur at home and its always when we say no. He has> > > > > > > recently been picked on alot since he is in 6th grade middle school. So> > > > > > > far I am looking into the following schools so if anyone has had any> > > > > > > experiences with any of them I would greatly appreciate your feed back.> > > > > > > I am in northern new jersey. thank you so much and here they are.> > > > > > > > > > > > > > Chapel Hill Acadmey, Cornerstone day school, Calais, Sage day school. > > > > > > > Not sure if i need to go the real clinical psychiatric route as some> > > >

> > > kids may really have worse behavior and outbursts or the schools that> > > > > > > work on a point and reward system for him.> > > > > > >> > >> > > >>

[Guest guest]

Oh, wow. So she wants to spend time with her sister and yet, she just sounds like she lost her temper? I agree, the school counselor wouldn't get it and you risk having them call someone. It could be she just lost her temper and acted on impulse. Hang in there. I would try to work her into her own room over time so she could eventually have her own space. She could still go visit her sister then when she wanted to? You know, my two younger ds's are what we call, "The best of enemies." lol. They do everything together but boy, when they get on each other's nerves, they really do.

Roxanna

May those who love us, love us

And those who don't love us,

May God turn their hearts

And if he can't turn their hearts,

May he turn their ankles

So we will know them by their limping!

( ) My NT child wants to hurt my PDD NOS child...

Ok, please don't yell at me, I am already feeling like a terrible mother tonight.... Not only did my ASD daughter go to find her NT sister at her friends house and it took me forever to figure it out (I thought she had fallen asleep in her room), but I then found her in our neighbor's backyard- there is a hole in the fence- (with a swimming pool) in her swimming suit. I then found out from my NT daughter that she had "hatched" a plan to hurt her little sister because she is tired of her things getting ruined and having to pick up messes that her sister helps to make.... I can't tell my husband because he will totally lose it towards my NT daughter and me, and I can't ask my mother what to do because she will blame it on my husband..... I of course punished my older daughter and talked with her, but feel it isn't enough.... Has anyone been through this before???

Carolyn

Ps don't worry I turned the alarm on on our door, and will be getting fence posts to fix the fence....

Sent from my iPad

On Mar 19, 2011, at 4:48 PM, " Frasca" <frasca.nancy@...> wrote:

>

> >

>

> >

>

> > Hi I have an eleven year old boy with aspergers,adhd and

bipolar. His

>

> > out bursts usually occur at home and its always when we say no. He has

>

> > recently been picked on alot since he is in 6th grade middle school. So

>

> > far I am looking into the following schools so if anyone has had any

>

> > experiences with any of them I would greatly appreciate your feed back.

>

> > I am in northern new jersey. thank you so much and here they are.

>

> >

>

> > Chapel Hill Acadmey, Cornerstone day school, Calais, Sage day school.

>

> > Not sure if i need to go the real clinical psychiatric route as some

>

> > kids may really have worse behavior and outbursts or the schools that

>

> > work on a point and reward system for him.

>

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Wow, scary. I'm glad that plan did not succeed. I don't know if your NT

daughter is fully aware that her AS sister could have drowned, though.

Miriam

> > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > > > > Hi I have an eleven year old boy with aspergers,adhd and bipolar. His

> > > >

> > > > > out bursts usually occur at home and its always when we say no. He has

> > > >

> > > > > recently been picked on alot since he is in 6th grade middle school.

So

> > > >

> > > > > far I am looking into the following schools so if anyone has had any

> > > >

> > > > > experiences with any of them I would greatly appreciate your feed

back.

> > > >

> > > > > I am in northern new jersey. thank you so much and here they are.

> > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > > > > Chapel Hill Acadmey, Cornerstone day school, Calais, Sage day school.

> > > >

> > > > > Not sure if i need to go the real clinical psychiatric route as some

> > > >

> > > > > kids may really have worse behavior and outbursts or the schools that

> > > >

> > > > > work on a point and reward system for him.

> > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> >

>