spouse not understanding asperger daughter

[Guest guest]

He has gone to her therapist with me before and at least one of the other drs

appt. It seems at times he understands.

>

>

> From: <nforaker@...>

> Subject: ( ) spouse not understanding asperger daughter

>

> Date: Monday, May 10, 2010, 7:58 PM

>

>

>  

>

>

>

> My husband just doesn't understand our 11 yod. He just can't seem to see past

her behavior and see she is not always acting out on purpose. She can't help it.

She is not having fun and hates it when she hurts others by the way she acts. It

is a real issue in out family. He also suffers from depression (maybe bi polar).

I am always in the middle. I feel that I am her only advocate. I wish he was

there for me and her. Sometimes he is, but mostly he is not. Anyone else going

through this also?

>

[Guest guest]

Hey,

I did have a lot of issues. But since diagnosis I have been getting hubby to

read or I will read a page from the current aspie book.

A lot of the time I will pull him aside and say things like - your using too

many words how do you expect him to understand?

But sometimes he thinks I make excuses for him. So we are still trying to reach

a happy medium as I am too soft and he is too hard.

It is a constant battle but one worth fighting!

Sometimes he is on our side when it comes to school issues but sometimes I

really need to explain sons behaviours before he gets it.

Keep trying

Sent from my iPhone

[Guest guest]

That sounds like my husband and I. He says I take my dd's side against him, but all I am really trying do is broker peace. From: jazjamloch@...Date: Tue, 11 May 2010 12:56:47 -0700Subject: ( ) spouse not understanding asperger daughter

Hey,

I did have a lot of issues. But since diagnosis I have been getting hubby to read or I will read a page from the current aspie book.

A lot of the time I will pull him aside and say things like - your using too many words how do you expect him to understand?

But sometimes he thinks I make excuses for him. So we are still trying to reach a happy medium as I am too soft and he is too hard.

It is a constant battle but one worth fighting!

Sometimes he is on our side when it comes to school issues but sometimes I really need to explain sons behaviours before he gets it.

Keep trying

Sent from my iPhone

Hotmail is redefining busy with tools for the New Busy. Get more from your inbox. See how.

[Guest guest]

As a divorced Dad who probably would be critized (from my ex) for not being a

better father with my 12 aspie son, I have the following thoughts:

--Be careful of being too critical and especially in front of your child. This

tactic only worsens the situation.

--Think of the things he has done that are positive for your child (e.g. I was

the first one to push for one one speech therapy, first to attend a special

needs meeting, first to push for an aspergers diagnosis, the only parent to be

on this list and active in an aspergers support group, and a continual ally to

ensure he is only on medication if he really needs it..the list goes on).

--Encourage 1 on 1 events (your daughter and husband only)for lesser stressful

times such as the weeekend. He may have a lot on his mind after work. Help the

execution. Get the tickets (2 only)and hand it to him. Get his buy in of course.

Do this often! Repetition is key!

--Get him to subscribe to this newsgroup!

--Analyze the parenting styles that you each bring to the table. Dont get in the

thought mindset that yours is only the right one. For example, if he is a bit

stricter keep in mind that the real world will be tough as your daughter gets

older.

--Ask him what is most difficult about being a father to your daughter? You

might be surprised at the answer and the solution may be easier grasped and

achieved.

I am going to reemphasize the most important suggestion: More 1 on 1's!!!

Marc

>

> On 5/10/10, <nforaker@...> wrote:

> > My husband just doesn't understand our 11 yod. He just can't seem to see

> > past her behavior and see she is not always acting out on purpose. She

> > can't help it. She is not having fun and hates it when she hurts others by

> > the way she acts. It is a real issue in out family. He also suffers from

> > depression (maybe bi polar). I am always in the middle. I feel that I am

> > her only advocate. I wish he was there for me and her. Sometimes he is,

> > but mostly he is not. Anyone else going through this also?

> >

> >

>

> --

> Sent from my mobile device

>

> -mommy to Emma, Becca, ,

> , , and baby girl no name (yeah I know, nothing new, does

> ever pick a name in a timely manner?) July 2010

>

[Guest guest]

I understand. My husband *probably* has Aspergers - both of my kids and I

suspect it although he's not been Dx'd - and he *definitely* has depression and

ADHD and is seeing someone in psych for those. My DD is nearly 16, generally

very high-functioning, and has been referred by her psychiatrist to an autism

spectrum clinic for diagnosis. So this sounds very, very familiar to me.

Hubby complains to me about how I handle problems with the kids (my older DD is

19) and how I don't react appropriately when they talk back to me or " don't

respect my authority " . However, he doesn't see that I'm reacting appropriately

based on the context of our interactions. He also doesn't see that HE's

reacting in an inappropriately harsh manner to the outbreaks of frustration that

come about when she gets upset, doesn't understand " the rules " , etc. *SIGH*

[Guest guest]

Thank you for your reply. I will consider your suggestions.

> > > My husband just doesn't understand our 11 yod. He just can't seem to see

> > > past her behavior and see she is not always acting out on purpose. She

> > > can't help it. She is not having fun and hates it when she hurts others

by

> > > the way she acts. It is a real issue in out family. He also suffers from

> > > depression (maybe bi polar). I am always in the middle. I feel that I am

> > > her only advocate. I wish he was there for me and her. Sometimes he is,

> > > but mostly he is not. Anyone else going through this also?

> > >

> > >

> >

> > --

> > Sent from my mobile device

> >

> > -mommy to Emma, Becca, ,

> > , , and baby girl no name (yeah I know, nothing new, does

> > ever pick a name in a timely manner?) July 2010

> >

>

[Guest guest]

, your second paragraph fits my home life to a T. SIGH is right From: cathy_cox@...Date: Wed, 12 May 2010 19:04:52 +0000Subject: ( ) Re: spouse not understanding asperger daughter

I understand. My husband *probably* has Aspergers - both of my kids and I suspect it although he's not been Dx'd - and he *definitely* has depression and ADHD and is seeing someone in psych for those. My DD is nearly 16, generally very high-functioning, and has been referred by her psychiatrist to an autism spectrum clinic for diagnosis. So this sounds very, very familiar to me.

Hubby complains to me about how I handle problems with the kids (my older DD is 19) and how I don't react appropriately when they talk back to me or "don't respect my authority". However, he doesn't see that I'm reacting appropriately based on the context of our interactions. He also doesn't see that HE's reacting in an inappropriately harsh manner to the outbreaks of frustration that come about when she gets upset, doesn't understand "the rules", etc. *SIGH*

Hotmail has tools for the New Busy. Search, chat and e-mail from your inbox. Learn more.

[Guest guest]

That is good advice, Marc, thank you. From: marcontheroad@...Date: Wed, 12 May 2010 14:53:54 +0000Subject: Re: ( ) spouse not understanding asperger daughter

As a divorced Dad who probably would be critized (from my ex) for not being a better father with my 12 aspie son, I have the following thoughts:

--Be careful of being too critical and especially in front of your child. This tactic only worsens the situation.

--Think of the things he has done that are positive for your child (e.g. I was the first one to push for one one speech therapy, first to attend a special needs meeting, first to push for an aspergers diagnosis, the only parent to be on this list and active in an aspergers support group, and a continual ally to ensure he is only on medication if he really needs it..the list goes on).

--Encourage 1 on 1 events (your daughter and husband only)for lesser stressful times such as the weeekend. He may have a lot on his mind after work. Help the execution. Get the tickets (2 only)and hand it to him. Get his buy in of course. Do this often! Repetition is key!

--Get him to subscribe to this newsgroup!

--Analyze the parenting styles that you each bring to the table. Dont get in the thought mindset that yours is only the right one. For example, if he is a bit stricter keep in mind that the real world will be tough as your daughter gets older.

--Ask him what is most difficult about being a father to your daughter? You might be surprised at the answer and the solution may be easier grasped and achieved.

I am going to reemphasize the most important suggestion: More 1 on 1's!!!

Marc

>

> On 5/10/10, <nforaker@...> wrote:

> > My husband just doesn't understand our 11 yod. He just can't seem to see

> > past her behavior and see she is not always acting out on purpose. She

> > can't help it. She is not having fun and hates it when she hurts others by

> > the way she acts. It is a real issue in out family. He also suffers from

> > depression (maybe bi polar). I am always in the middle. I feel that I am

> > her only advocate. I wish he was there for me and her. Sometimes he is,

> > but mostly he is not. Anyone else going through this also?

> >

> >

>

> --

> Sent from my mobile device

>

> -mommy to Emma, Becca, ,

> , , and baby girl no name (yeah I know, nothing new, does

> ever pick a name in a timely manner?) July 2010

>

The New Busy think 9 to 5 is a cute idea. Combine multiple calendars with Hotmail. Get busy.

[Guest guest]

Marc, That was wonderful advise and truly spoken like a husband/dad who has been there! i go through struggles with my husband all the time with our 14yr old son and see many of my own situations coming out of your own words. It is difficult to raise a child that is so dependent on their parents especially when the set of parents are polar opposites. There are so many variables that get tossed up in the heat of the moment and personally I find it more than beyond stressful to keep the bond together between dad and son and dad and myself... its exhausting. Its nice to hear from a dad who has as much hands on experience as you do! Re: ( ) spouse not understanding asperger daughter

As a divorced Dad who probably would be critized (from my ex) for not being a better father with my 12 aspie son, I have the following thoughts:

--Be careful of being too critical and especially in front of your child. This tactic only worsens the situation.

--Think of the things he has done that are positive for your child (e.g. I was the first one to push for one one speech therapy, first to attend a special needs meeting, first to push for an aspergers diagnosis, the only parent to be on this list and active in an aspergers support group, and a continual ally to ensure he is only on medication if he really needs it..the list goes on).

--Encourage 1 on 1 events (your daughter and husband only)for lesser stressful times such as the weeekend. He may have a lot on his mind after work. Help the execution. Get the tickets (2 only)and hand it to him. Get his buy in of course. Do this often! Repetition is key!

--Get him to subscribe to this newsgroup!

--Analyze the parenting styles that you each bring to the table. Dont get in the thought mindset that yours is only the right one. For example, if he is a bit stricter keep in mind that the real world will be tough as your daughter gets older.

--Ask him what is most difficult about being a father to your daughter? You might be surprised at the answer and the solution may be easier grasped and achieved.

I am going to reemphasize the most important suggestion: More 1 on 1's!!!

Marc

>

> On 5/10/10, <nforaker@...> wrote:

> > My husband just doesn't understand our 11 yod. He just can't seem to see

> > past her behavior and see she is not always acting out on purpose. She

> > can't help it. She is not having fun and hates it when she hurts others by

> > the way she acts. It is a real issue in out family. He also suffers from

> > depression (maybe bi polar). I am always in the middle. I feel that I am

> > her only advocate. I wish he was there for me and her. Sometimes he is,

> > but mostly he is not. Anyone else going through this also?

> >

> >

>

> --

> Sent from my mobile device

>

> -mommy to Emma, Becca, ,

> , , and baby girl no name (yeah I know, nothing new, does

> ever pick a name in a timely manner?) July 2010

>

The New Busy think 9 to 5 is a cute idea. Combine multiple calendars with Hotmail. Get busy.

[Guest guest]

It has taken 14 1/2 years for my dh to finally understand that our daughter is

not going to fit the mold he had in mind for her. For years he blamed me and

would say things like " if we had only gotten her around more kids when she was

little she would be okay " . So then I have to point out she was in preschool 3

days a week from age 2 and continued on from there. Then he would went through a

period where he felt if we only got her involved in sports everything would be

okay. Like throwing a basketball at her will fix everything???

At times it would become all about him and he would carry on how she doesn't

treat him lovingly or hug him like she " should. " All this time he has never read

a book or researched online anything about Aspergers. It's like he's in

disbelief after all these years.

I've learned that no matter what she's my number one priority and if others

don't understand why I do the things I do that's too bad. It would be nice to

have a partner to work things through but it's not going to happen in my case.

To make matters worse, my husband is 25 years older than I am and was in his

50's when she was born. I think he just doesn't want to accept his age could

have been a factor in her autism therefore he doesn't deal with it.

Hang in there!

a

>

> My husband just doesn't understand our 11 yod. He just can't seem to see past

her behavior and see she is not always acting out on purpose. She can't help

it. She is not having fun and hates it when she hurts others by the way she

acts. It is a real issue in out family. He also suffers from depression (maybe

bi polar). I am always in the middle. I feel that I am her only advocate. I

wish he was there for me and her. Sometimes he is, but mostly he is not. Anyone

else going through this also?

>

[Guest guest]

I would just like to add to the list that you should also be

sympathetic to what he's saying, if possible. I mean, if he's upset

because your child is doing something immature or repetitive (for

example), then let him know it makes you crazy too! Sometimes that

helps if you let him know you agree it's a problem and then you can go

on to say, " ...but yelling at him doesn't stop it...instead I have

found that.....works better... " You might encourage your dh to come up

with other ideas to address the problem too. Try to promote the idea

that you are both on the same side!

Roxanna

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

Re: ( ) spouse not understanding asperger

daughter

As a divorced Dad who probably would be critized (from my ex) for not

being a better father with my 12 aspie son, I have the following

thoughts:

--Be careful of being too critical and especially in front of your

child. This tactic only worsens the situation.

--Think of the things he has done that are positive for your child

(e.g. I was the first one to push for one one speech therapy, first to

attend a special needs meeting, first to push for an aspergers

diagnosis, the only parent to be on this list and active in an

aspergers support group, and a continual ally to ensure he is only on

medication if he really needs it..the list goes on).

--Encourage 1 on 1 events (your daughter and husband only)for lesser

stressful times such as the weeekend. He may have a lot on his mind

after work. Help the execution. Get the tickets (2 only)and hand it to

him. Get his buy in of course. Do this often! Repetition is key!

--Get him to subscribe to this newsgroup!

--Analyze the parenting styles that you each bring to the table. Dont

get in the thought mindset that yours is only the right one. For

example, if he is a bit stricter keep in mind that the real world will

be tough as your daughter gets older.

--Ask him what is most difficult about being a father to your daughter?

You might be surprised at the answer and the solution may be easier

grasped and achieved.

I am going to reemphasize the most important suggestion: More 1 on

1's!!!

Marc

>

> On 5/10/10, <nforaker@...> wrote:

> > My husband just doesn't understand our 11 yod. He just can't seem

to see

> > past her behavior and see she is not always acting out on purpose.

She

> > can't help it. She is not having fun and hates it when she hurts

others by

> > the way she acts. It is a real issue in out family. He also

suffers from

> > depression (maybe bi polar). I am always in the middle. I feel

that I am

> > her only advocate. I wish he was there for me and her. Sometimes

he is,

> > but mostly he is not. Anyone else going through this also?

> >

> >

>

> --

> Sent from my mobile device

>

> -mommy to Emma, Becca, ,

> , , and baby girl no name (yeah I know, nothing new, does

> ever pick a name in a timely manner?) July 2010

>

[Guest guest]

I would like to thank everyone for their ideas. It has given me something to

think about.

If anyone has anymore please let me know.

Thanks!

> > > My husband just doesn't understand our 11 yod. He just can't seem

> to see

> > > past her behavior and see she is not always acting out on purpose.

> She

> > > can't help it. She is not having fun and hates it when she hurts

> others by

> > > the way she acts. It is a real issue in out family. He also

> suffers from

> > > depression (maybe bi polar). I am always in the middle. I feel

> that I am

> > > her only advocate. I wish he was there for me and her. Sometimes

> he is,

> > > but mostly he is not. Anyone else going through this also?

> > >

> > >

> >

> > --

> > Sent from my mobile device

> >

> > -mommy to Emma, Becca, ,

> > , , and baby girl no name (yeah I know, nothing new, does

> > ever pick a name in a timely manner?) July 2010

> >

>