No friends...I'm more hurt

August 23, 2009

Jan,

I'm glad it helped. I think it is a good sign that the boys talked it out

and can both learn to have other friends without angering one another.

I know you describe your son as needy for companionship, and each child is

different, but I did take comfort in Dr. 's presentation

last year at a local school. He is the author of " Raising Cain - Protecting

the Emotional Life of Boys " and he reassured many parents that night that if

a boy has one good friend, then he will be able to navigate adolescence.

I also thought about your son's other friend who said " I hate you. " Hmm

sometimes, at school, I have heard similar hateful things and yet seen the

same students hang out together later on.

At school, I would tell the recipient of such words that perhaps the other

person might be in a lot of pain to talk like that. Maybe transitioning back

to school is stressing him out. I'd suggest giving him some time to get

past the pain and wouldn't be surprised if with time, he comes back around.

(I'd also suggest that the student try our games activity after school - it

meets once a week and the students play board games. Some play checkers,

some play with their cards, others play games that include three others, but

it is a school activity that appeals to students who do better one-on-one or

in small groups spread out around the cafeteria.)

Anyway, such hateful words don't usually end relationships for boys.

Usually girls hold a grudge longer. I have only had to break up maybe four

fights in my 20+ years of teaching, but the two fights involving boys

surprised me as the boys fighting actually stayed friends a few months

later. Wierd. The two girl fights, they never made up as far as I know.

I'm glad your son has you to help him process these complicated issues.

E.C.Bernard

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