Re: How do you know if situation is caused by AS?

[Guest guest]

You are NOT alone! It is our largest challenge - what is due to AS, what is due to FAE, what is due to being almost 14????? What we finally decided was not try to guess the cause, just deal with the action/thought process (or lack thereof). If that means repeating ourselves - fine. If that means showing AGAIN - fine. It is a real lesson is patience, isn't it? Marilyn in MOFrom: jmlrgs1870 <jmlrgs1870@...>Subject: ( ) How do you know if situation is caused by AS? Date: Monday, November 16, 2009, 1:02 AM

How do you know whether your AS child's behavior/actions are totally due to AS and probably won't change because they can't help it, or whether you should continue to address things even though your efforts don't seem to be producing any results? I don't want to 'nag' and I know parents need to 'choose their battles', especially if it's something that she/he can't help due to Asperger's. Is it that she can't remember things I've reminded her about many times, or she just doesn't want to do them, or what? And how would I know each time?

This is something I struggle with. Is this particular instance just being a kid or is it Asperger's? Should I be concerned or will it pass? Is it misbehavior or can it not be helped (consistently, anyway)? Does anyone understand what I mean? Does anyone else struggle with this or have any ideas? I feel like I'm the only one who doesn't seem to know, despite all the books I've read about AS. I'll be so grateful for any feedback on this! Thanks! --Kari

[Guest guest]

My DS is 5, so I'm relatively on the early side of parenting AS. However, for

the time being, I try not to 'excuse' anything due to AS. I just keep changing

up my strategies:

Nag - b/c that's what comes so natural = )

Leave post-it notes around the house

Have my DS write down his own list

Reward getting something 'right'

'help' him do what he needs to do

require him to do tasks before he gets things like Wii time

praise, praise & more praise (like if he says " hi " to a classmate, it must seem

to an on-looker that he just cured cancer).

or even changing the rules, i.e. he can either sit or stand during dinner, but

he is to stay at his 'place' and not wander around the room (which, for the time

being beats saying " stay in your seat " every 30 seconds. Now, he just eats

standing up --- but, he is staying " at " the table.) Who knows what is " right? "

Just deal with as much as you can deal with -- there will ALWAYS BE MORE to

tackle tomorrow! = )

I'm exhausted by day's end, but I am seeing progress (slowly) on all fronts, so

I continue the grind.

Best wishes.

--

>

> How do you know whether your AS child's behavior/actions are totally due to AS

and probably won't change because they can't help it, or whether you should

continue to address things even though your efforts don't seem to be producing

any results? I don't want to 'nag' and I know parents need to 'choose their

battles', especially if it's something that she/he can't help due to Asperger's.

Is it that she can't remember things I've reminded her about many times, or she

just doesn't want to do them, or what? And how would I know each time?

>

> This is something I struggle with. Is this particular instance just being a

kid or is it Asperger's? Should I be concerned or will it pass? Is it

misbehavior or can it not be helped (consistently, anyway)? Does anyone

understand what I mean? Does anyone else struggle with this or have any ideas? I

feel like I'm the only one who doesn't seem to know, despite all the books I've

read about AS. I'll be so grateful for any feedback on this! Thanks! --Kari

>

[Guest guest]

I know what you mean. I to was very confused. I was very

confused what was behavior issues, what needed medication and

what needed a change in schools and parenting approaches,

AS and autism are very complex disorders.

My daughter ended up needing medication, a change in schools,

and a concrete positive reinforcement parenting plan.

When she was younger she needed OT and PT.

Our behaviorist from Yale helped me prioritize the top

three behaviors that needed shaping and we are working on that.

We are not trying to even address the AS social issues

since our daughter has other more servere issues.

Our priorites are 1) getting to school calmly. This involves

shaping lots of steps from getting up on top, picking

out clothes the night before etc 2) staying in school all day.

This involves addresses issues she has at school 3) taking medication

she resists daily and we have a reinforcer in place that we

have to change from time to time to keep this under control and 4) we work on

praising her for keeping to her schedule she is very

obessive and is hard to get her to stop her special interests.

It is so much work. I talk weekly with the behavioist

and daily I have to review with my daughter what the plan is

and what the reinforcers are that she is working on.

It helped me get focused working with a very good behaviorist.

I had worked with many in the past that had me too fragmented

and unfocused.

Good luck,

Pam

[Guest guest]

i agree that we deffinitely have to choose our battles, but i find it

interesting that you had mentioned " cant remember things " .

my wife and i thought my daugher (she is 8) couldnt remember things that we said

she could do because she would ask 20 times. for instance, she would ask if she

could have a lollipop and we would respond " yes " , but she would ask us 20 times

" did you say Yes i can? " before she would actually take it. what we thought was

her forgetting we said was okay, was actually her having to be reassured that it

was okay until she actually got the lollipop.

but then again, i know every aspie is so unique, so mine could be different from

everyone elses child, im sure.

the one thing i believe i can say for " all " of us, is the fact that we had to

learn serious amounts of patience (something i had ZERO of before)and i consider

that a blessing.

>

> How do you know whether your AS child's behavior/actions are totally due to AS

and probably won't change because they can't help it, or whether you should

continue to address things even though your efforts don't seem to be producing

any results? I don't want to 'nag' and I know parents need to 'choose their

battles', especially if it's something that she/he can't help due to Asperger's.

Is it that she can't remember things I've reminded her about many times, or she

just doesn't want to do them, or what? And how would I know each time?

>

> This is something I struggle with. Is this particular instance just being a

kid or is it Asperger's? Should I be concerned or will it pass? Is it

misbehavior or can it not be helped (consistently, anyway)? Does anyone

understand what I mean? Does anyone else struggle with this or have any ideas? I

feel like I'm the only one who doesn't seem to know, despite all the books I've

read about AS. I'll be so grateful for any feedback on this! Thanks! --Kari

>

[Guest guest]

AS may be a cause of specific problems but it doesn't mean one can't

address those problems regardless. Use AS as a " reason " why things

happen or why things are hard. But not as an excuse to say, " He can't

learn... " It just means he will have a harder time learning some

things or may have to practice things that other kids get

automatically. But kids with AS/HFA do learn and do change. So do not

feel it is hopeless or that you have to identify whether to work on a

behavior problem or not...you do no matter why it's going on. Even AS

problems will need to be addressed. Understanding that it is related

to having AS is a good way to approach each problem but in my own

experience, all problems had a toe in the autism spectrum because my

ds's have autism. So even if autism was not the reason a problem was

there, figuring out how to manage it or learn from it required that we

consider autism and how it affects our ds's and how they learn

differently.

I think I just wrote in circles so I hope that made some sense. lol.

Roxanna

" The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do

nothing. " E. Burke

( ) How do you know if situation is caused by

AS?

How do you know whether your AS child's behavior/actions are totally

due to AS and probably won't change because they can't help it, or

whether you should continue to address things even though your efforts

don't seem to be producing any results? I don't want to 'nag' and I

know parents need to 'choose their battles', especially if it's

something that she/he can't help due to Asperger's. Is it that she

can't remember things I've reminded her about many times, or she just

doesn't want to do them, or what? And how would I know each time?

This is something I struggle with. Is this particular instance just

being a kid or is it Asperger's? Should I be concerned or will it pass?

Is it misbehavior or can it not be helped (consistently, anyway)? Does

anyone understand what I mean? Does anyone else struggle with this or

have any ideas? I feel like I'm the only one who doesn't seem to know,

despite all the books I've read about AS. I'll be so grateful for any

feedback on this! Thanks! --Kari

[Guest guest]

Great insight! That's what I was trying to express, but as usual, I got stuck

in the " trees " and didn't express the " forest. "

Thanks!

>

> AS may be a cause of specific problems but it doesn't mean one can't

> address those problems regardless. Use AS as a " reason " why things

> happen or why things are hard. But not as an excuse to say, " He can't

> learn... " It just means he will have a harder time learning some

> things or may have to practice things that other kids get

> automatically. But kids with AS/HFA do learn and do change. So do not

> feel it is hopeless or that you have to identify whether to work on a

> behavior problem or not...you do no matter why it's going on. Even AS

> problems will need to be addressed. Understanding that it is related

> to having AS is a good way to approach each problem but in my own

> experience, all problems had a toe in the autism spectrum because my

> ds's have autism. So even if autism was not the reason a problem was

> there, figuring out how to manage it or learn from it required that we

> consider autism and how it affects our ds's and how they learn

> differently.

>

> I think I just wrote in circles so I hope that made some sense. lol.

>

> Roxanna

>

> " The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do

> nothing. " E. Burke

>

> -----Original Message-----

>

[Guest guest]

Roxanna,

No you did not write in circles and I understood. AS can cause hardships for our children...they may have to try harder, study more, learn to control, etc. etc. There are a lot of issues that are the result of having AS....like being anxious because of the noise in the classroom, being angry becuase they are picked on all the time, being angry/tired/overwhelmed/stress just from being in school all day.

My son started to use his AS as an excuse. I told him NO ...NO ... NO...it doesn't work that way. I don't let him get his way in school. If he doesn't something wrong I want the school to work with him, to teach him what is right....not just say ..oh that's because he has AS. In the same token...I do not want the school looking at my child or any other child as a "bad" kid. I want them to understand that his actions are a result of having AS and not being able to cope. The schools need to learn to work with our children, they need to teach our children coping skills, social skills and more. And, I do look at each incident individually. When my son flung a rubber band at another student...I didn't say...oh no you can not discipline him....what I did say was ...he didn't understand the fact that he could have really hurt the child and it isn't something kids should be doing. The

principal asked my son....did you do it on purpose? And, he said no. And, the principal says...but several kids saw you aim and let go. It was not till he got home and was talking to me...that I realized my son took the question in another manner...yes he did purposely go to shoot the kid with a rubber band...but HE DIDN'T MEAN TO HIT THE BOY IN THE CHEEK. OMG. So aspie. And, I know this sounds terrible...but my son was not the only one flinging rubberbands...he was the only one caught...so typical. He did service a day in in-school...but you know what...he loves it there. It is quiet, no changing of classrooms, etc. As I said...I just want to the school to work with him and tried to help him understand that what happens with his actions.

Now another time ....he jumped up and cursed a kid out on the bus. But the reason for this was...the kid just told my son he was going to piss on his poppy's grave! And, my son's poppy was living with us and dying of pancreatic cancer. So, I fought the school on that one...we had a manifestation meeting and the incident was ruled as a Manifestation of his Disability. We then decided to put him on the smaller bus, which was GREAT! But it too turns out to have problems....

Jan

<font face="arial black" color="#bf00bf">Janice Rushen</font>

<font face="Arial Black" color="#bf00bf"></font> & nbsp;

<em><font face="Arial Black" color="#7f007f">"I will try to be open to all avenues of wisdom and hope"</font></em>

From: Roxanna <MadIdeas@...> Sent: Thu, November 19, 2009 9:09:23 AMSubject: Re: ( ) How do you know if situation is caused by AS?

AS may be a cause of specific problems but it doesn't mean one can't address those problems regardless. Use AS as a "reason" why things happen or why things are hard. But not as an excuse to say, "He can't learn..." It just means he will have a harder time learning some things or may have to practice things that other kids get automatically. But kids with AS/HFA do learn and do change. So do not feel it is hopeless or that you have to identify whether to work on a behavior problem or not...you do no matter why it's going on. Even AS problems will need to be addressed. Understanding that it is related to having AS is a good way to approach each problem but in my own experience, all problems had a toe in the autism spectrum because my ds's have autism. So even if autism was not the reason a problem was there, figuring out how to manage it or learn from it required that we consider autism and how it

affects our ds's and how they learn differently.I think I just wrote in circles so I hope that made some sense. lol.Roxanna"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." E. Burke ( ) How do you know if situation is caused by AS?How do you know whether your AS child's behavior/actions are totally due to AS and probably won't change because they can't help it, or whether you should continue to address things even though your efforts don't

seem to be producing any results? I don't want to 'nag' and I know parents need to 'choose their battles', especially if it's something that she/he can't help due to Asperger's. Is it that she can't remember things I've reminded her about many times, or she just doesn't want to do them, or what? And how would I know each time?This is something I struggle with. Is this particular instance just being a kid or is it Asperger's? Should I be concerned or will it pass? Is it misbehavior or can it not be helped (consistently, anyway)? Does anyone understand what I mean? Does anyone else struggle with this or have any ideas? I feel like I'm the only one who doesn't seem to know, despite all the books I've read about AS. I'll be so grateful for any feedback on this! Thanks! --Kari

[Guest guest]

If you don't mind answering this next question, I'm wondering if you and your

wife have any thoughts/ideas about WHY your dd might need/want the continual

reassurance (through her asking permission repeatedly) until receiving the

lollipop? I'm just trying to work out how different situations fit in with an AS

personality. Sometimes I think she maybe didn't focus on my words when I

initially said/asked something, but this can't be the case every single day...

for example, I'd like her to remember to shut off her bedroom light when she

leaves her room to go to school. It's the same routine every day, but she still

forgets every day, so I politely remind her that she needs to shut off her

bedroom light when she leaves her bedroom every day. She will go back and shut

off the light, but forgets again the next day. Aargh!

> >

> > How do you know whether your AS child's behavior/actions are totally due to

AS and probably won't change because they can't help it, or whether you should

continue to address things even though your efforts don't seem to be producing

any results? I don't want to 'nag' and I know parents need to 'choose their

battles', especially if it's something that she/he can't help due to Asperger's.

Is it that she can't remember things I've reminded her about many times, or she

just doesn't want to do them, or what? And how would I know each time?

> >

> > This is something I struggle with. Is this particular instance just being a

kid or is it Asperger's? Should I be concerned or will it pass? Is it

misbehavior or can it not be helped (consistently, anyway)? Does anyone

understand what I mean? Does anyone else struggle with this or have any ideas? I

feel like I'm the only one who doesn't seem to know, despite all the books I've

read about AS. I'll be so grateful for any feedback on this! Thanks! --Kari

> >

>