Re: What to do about animosity towards a peer?

July 30, 2010

I wonder if it his her reaction to his behavior that is somehow rewarding to

him. Of course it is impossible to get a child not to react. Maybe he just

doesn't have words to say what is bothering him. It may require some very close

observation. Is there something about her that upsets him due to sensory

issues. Is she louder than her sister, does she move too quickly or get too

close, does she smell different. It might not be something you can easily

detect. Both of my kids are very sensitive to smells that I can't smell at all.

Rayleigh can identify people by their smells. I think she probably could even

match people with their belongings based on smell alone. My sense of smell is

very strong but it doesn't come near what they experience.

I once smelled cardboard getting hot enough to burn and caught it long before

any smoke detector would. We'd just moved into our house and had boxes in the

family room near our gas fireplace. Then the kids turned on the fireplace with

the flip of a switch. I kept hunting until I found the source of the smell.

The box was blackened in the spot closest to the fireplace. It wouldn't have

been long before a fire started. I was up late. If I'd been in bed we'd have

had a terrible fire, I am sure.

Miriam

>

> Hi all - my son is nearly 3 years old and we are awaiting evaluation to

confirm a suspected dx of AS (he is already dx with sensory processing

disorder). I am hoping some of you might have some suggestions on how to deal

with an ongoing problem that we have been having for at least the last 6 months.

My son is friends with a little girl that he has known for over 2 years now, and

we see her once or twice every week for play dates. The girl is 9 months older

than my son and she has a little sister who is 9 months younger than him. Holden

has taken an intense dislike to his friend's little sister which often results

in him pushing or hitting her, as well as telling her to go away (in her own

house, no less!). She does nothing to provoke him, although she does have a very

dramatic personality and is quick to cry. These are not scuffles over toys or

sharing. I have tried everything in the book to get my son to leave her alone -

time outs, having to leave a play date, losing a favorite toy, being mad at him,

being sad instead of mad, comforting the victim first, showing the " bubble "

around each person, etc., etc. Probably the only thing I have not tried is

spanking, because it does not seem to make sense to hit him for hitting.

>

> My son clearly has strong feelings about this girl and he brings up her name

frequently when we are not around them - far more so than he does the kids whom

he actually likes. He is very articulate for his age (although as you might

expect has difficulty with pragmatic language, social interactions with peers,

and in self modulation), and he has told me that he feels " different " about his

target than he does his other friends, although he cannot tell me what he means

by different. After he pushed her to the ground today, he had sort of an evil

grin that he gets when thinking about naughty things he has done, and on the way

home he told me that it felt good to be naughty to her. Does anyone have any

ideas on how to break this cycle? While I don't expect that my son will like

every child he meets, he can't bully them either. He starts preschool in a

month, and really needs to learn how to be around people that he may not like.

(This one particular child is his primary target, but there have certainly been

numerous other incidents.) Help!

>

> Thanks,

>

> Bridget

>

July 31, 2010

I am wondering if this is a "sensory overload" issue - does she hum/make frequent noises like singing whilst she plays/wears bright colours different to her sister/glasses that reflect light/smell slightly different etc etc? Does she frequently play with a specific toy that seems related to the incidents ie he can't take the noise/colours/feel of her toy of choice but can't yet verbalise that?

At 3 when I was figuring out the sensory part of DD's issues, I asked her about certain clothes she had in her wardrobe and she said "mummy if i wear that top I will be sooo naughty I cannot sit still and eat my breakfast". Obviously you are aware of these kinds of issues for him, but if something about this little girl is triggering those kind of responses that might explain why she is his target but he can't verbalise it yet.

Hope you get to the bottom of it,

a

From: bridget

Sent: Saturday, July 31, 2010 12:35 AM

Subject: ( ) What to do about animosity towards a peer?

Hi all - my son is nearly 3 years old and we are awaiting evaluation to confirm a suspected dx of AS (he is already dx with sensory processing disorder). I am hoping some of you might have some suggestions on how to deal with an ongoing problem that we have been having for at least the last 6 months. My son is friends with a little girl that he has known for over 2 years now, and we see her once or twice every week for play dates. The girl is 9 months older than my son and she has a little sister who is 9 months younger than him. Holden has taken an intense dislike to his friend's little sister which often results in him pushing or hitting her, as well as telling her to go away (in her own house, no less!). She does nothing to provoke him, although she does have a very dramatic personality and is quick to cry. These are not scuffles over toys or sharing. I have tried everything in the book to get my son to leave her alone - time outs, having to leave a play date, losing a favorite toy, being mad at him, being sad instead of mad, comforting the victim first, showing the "bubble" around each person, etc., etc. Probably the only thing I have not tried is spanking, because it does not seem to make sense to hit him for hitting. My son clearly has strong feelings about this girl and he brings up her name frequently when we are not around them - far more so than he does the kids whom he actually likes. He is very articulate for his age (although as you might expect has difficulty with pragmatic language, social interactions with peers, and in self modulation), and he has told me that he feels "different" about his target than he does his other friends, although he cannot tell me what he means by different. After he pushed her to the ground today, he had sort of an evil grin that he gets when thinking about naughty things he has done, and on the way home he told me that it felt good to be naughty to her. Does anyone have any ideas on how to break this cycle? While I don't expect that my son will like every child he meets, he can't bully them either. He starts preschool in a month, and really needs to learn how to be around people that he may not like. (This one particular child is his primary target, but there have certainly been numerous other incidents.) Help!Thanks,Bridget

July 31, 2010

The one thing that comes to mind is that the little girl does cry a lot. She is

known as a bit of a drama queen in her family and is quick to get upset. I know

that the sound of crying babies can really bother my son at times, and

interestingly enough even though the other child is 2, he still insists that she

is a baby. My son does have a history of hitting random babies, and I have a

theory (although no proof) that he might hit to make the baby cry so he has some

control over the timing of it, rather than being on edge wondering when/if a cry

might start.

If that is the case or it is some other type of sensory overload causing his

hostility towards the little girl, what do I do? I try to keep myself physically

between them as much as possible, but it is not practical to be a physical

barrier 100% of the time. We also talk a lot before seeing her about how he can

use his words to ask me for help if he feels bothered or that he can move away

to get more space, but my son does not necessarily remember to use these ideas

when he is actually in the situation.

Thanks,

Bridget

>

> I am wondering if this is a " sensory overload " issue - does she hum/make

frequent noises like singing whilst she plays/wears bright colours different to

her sister/glasses that reflect light/smell slightly different etc etc? Does she

frequently play with a specific toy that seems related to the incidents ie he

can't take the noise/colours/feel of her toy of choice but can't yet verbalise

that?

>

> At 3 when I was figuring out the sensory part of DD's issues, I asked her

about certain clothes she had in her wardrobe and she said " mummy if i wear that

top I will be sooo naughty I cannot sit still and eat my breakfast " . Obviously

you are aware of these kinds of issues for him, but if something about this

little girl is triggering those kind of responses that might explain why she is

his target but he can't verbalise it yet.

>

> Hope you get to the bottom of it,

> a

>

> From: bridget

> Sent: Saturday, July 31, 2010 12:35 AM

>

> Subject: ( ) What to do about animosity towards a peer?