Feeling Mad and Having A Pity Party For Myself

February 14, 2011

This has been sticking aroung for way too long! I find myself jealous and

annoyed with people who have " normal " kids. I am annoyed with everyone having

perfect little babies and getting pregnant lately. I am mad that everything for

me is always hard and I never get to enjoy things like everyone else. It

started back with me losing 3 pregnacies (2 in the second trimester), so

pregnancy was not fun for me. Than I had a difficult toddler and now an awkward

9 year old. I am sad he doesn't plan like other 9 year old boys, yet I know I

should be proud of the things he does accomplish. I feel bad for not accepting

him the way he is and for not being thankful for the child I have to loe (when

some people never get to have children). I feel like a failure for not being

able to have babies easy or for not having a " perfect " child. I am jealous of

parents who have easy children. Those who strive for straight A's, want to play

sports and don't get judged for being different bacause they try to fit in. I

want to be the parent who hears who sweet and god their child is...after all...I

work so darn hard at it.

Anyway, I worry this is affecting my relationship with my boyfriend. I

especially feel this way about him with his son. I am so jealous and I know it

shows. His son was crying Fri because he did not make the principles honor

role...which means he didn't get straigh A's...he got 1 B+. He is good @ every

sport, which is annoying. My bf is VERY much in to sports and it makes me mad

he has the perfect child. I find myself think about all he did wrong with

bringing his son in to this world, yet he got the child he wanted (please do not

take that wrong...I was just as wrong but feel like this is my punishment).

Sometimes I think this happens to me because this is my only child?? Maybe if I

had another NT child I could see that it isn't all my fault and that I am a good

parent. I could enjoy being a parent like my bf. I could have fun playing with

my child rather than always having to do some sort of therapy with him. We

could have things in common and I could have fun without always feeling like I

am yelling at him for something. And maybe I wouldn't always feel like I am

failing him for not loving him for who he is.....I love him so much!!

..

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