RE: I Feel Like The Worst Mother Ever!!!!

November 25, 2009

It sounds a bit to me like he's tired of school and trying to find a new way too fit i. Probably when acts poorly at school the kids all laugh with him instead of at him and for a couple seconds he feels accepted. Think of a young Bart Simpson there. Then when it is you or your mom or some other adult he is probably just acting out from stress. This isn't to say his behavior isn't wrong, but he is probably acting out from other stimulous in his life.

As for his acting out last night, what exactly was he doing? Most of the time I have seen behavior like this its a mixture of OCD and asperger's, not just asperger's. So I must ask does he show any other signs OCD? I mean there is only so much you can do in the bathroom, but if your spending 5-10 minutes washing your hands... yea it will take forever. Theory of the mind difficulties + obsessive habits and rituals = disaster 9 times out of 10.

I think what he needs the next couple days is for them to be as stressfree as possible. It sounds a bit like a 4 or 5 day vacation (not sure if he has tomorrow) couldn't have come at a better time, but of course if he has the stress of a very different schedule in an unfamiliar environment (at least a little bit). So yea, celebrating your boyfriends kids birthday might not be the best idea tomorrow, and might not be entirely fair to either one of them (your son gets in trouble and the other boy will feel robbed of his party.) If they get along just fine it might be a better idea to invite him over later to hang out and to play with whatever he got for his bday.

Sadly, I don't think depression is that uncommon in kids like him. I wasn't that depressed in 2nd grade, but by 4th grade certainly, and by 6th or 7th grade suicidal thoughts were starting to creep in. I wish I could say it will get better right away, and in some ways it will like the stressors for you should get better sooner rather then later (most of the "brattyness" gets better around middle school I have found) but he is probably going to be stressed for years. Here are a couple suggestions for you.

1) You CANNOT ever yell at him. In fact, probably best if you never direct your anger at him. I know this is hard, I know sometimes it seems like he isn't listening to a word your saying unless you yell, but yelling will just stress him out more. You can still punish him in just about whatever way you do, just make sure to be reassuring while you do it (example: "I am doing this because I know your a good boy and this isn't like you"). Note, acting out of anger tonight doesn't make you a bad mom, but you do need to control it in the future if he is going to get happier.

2) He needs a friend more then just about anything else. I know this can seem impossible to achieve but schedule a playdate or whatever with another kid with asperger's or ADHD or whatever that tends to be on the outside looking in more often then not. If he your boyfriends kid is nice to him and doesn't mind an annoying lil bro type (make very sure of that first!) then he might make a good friend. You would be amazed at how much that one good friend does for you. I was never popular at school but when I had the one good friend I tended to be a lot happier then when I didn't and I could list them all off to you now (Mike E. and Tim (who hated each other btw lol) during elementary school, Rocky during 6th grade, Mike A. during the first part of 8th grade, Troy during the first part of 9th grade (note the last two pretty much betrayed me after a while, the second far more then the first but he was part of a very different clique... still good while it lasted) during 11th grade (finally a friend who was just as messed up as I was lol, he was living in the RTC here, thank God because I don't know if I would have survived 11th grade without him, that was when my depression was just about at its worst), and Matt in my senior year). Even having one friend all those times made me so much happier

3) Don't get too down on yourself. You probably made a mistake tonight, guess what, I am just about willing to bet that just about anyone in here has made the exact same one with similiar results, God knows my mom made it a few times before, doesn't mean shes a bad mom. If you get too down on yourself its just going to make things worse. But on the same token try try try not to do it again, for his sake.

4) When and where possible try to make his homelife as stressfree as possible. Some thoughts for this, try to go to the store when it is as empty as possible, always hard with younger guys but if there is a way to do it, try, there aren't many places as stressful to a young aspie as the store (noises and crowds... even at 23 I still must say YUCK!). I am sure his bedtime prevents this on weekdays, but generally around 8 or 9 at nite the store is empty... if hes allowed to stay up that late on a Friday or Saturday its worth trying. Also in my hometown we have 2 Hy-Vees and a Shnooks (probably misspelled that) as our grocery stores. The Hy-Vees have been here forever and therefore have a huge clientale and are always busy. The Shnooks has been here maybe 2 or 3 years and theres never more then 2 or 3 dozen cars in the parking lot... I so grealy prefer going to Shnooks, especcially considering the prices are roughly equal. I am sure there are other ways that you must determine yourself, and I know the critics out there will say, "But life is stressful" but when you have a depressed 8 year old on your hands, help him out a bit.

5) Tickle him more... okay probably not real advice but he is probably goofy (not quite sure why I just said probably...) and goofy kids need ticklings, so always always be tickling him!

6) Feel free to talk to me on Messenger, I am known in parts as the UOPHA (unofficial official parent helper aspie, I gave it to myself :-p), so sometimes I am good at helping GMs out.

I think thats enough for now, really don't get too down on yourself, I am sure your doing a great job and he should turn out to be a great kid. Nobody likes this time but it will get better (and worse) in time before it all gets better . This coming from someone who is right now a boomerang kid... lol.

From: gina9431@...Date: Wed, 25 Nov 2009 03:21:05 +0000Subject: ( ) I Feel Like The Worst Mother Ever!!!!

I sometimes just can't take it any more!!! My son will be 8 in a few weeks, and has been a real challenge the last few days. Over all, he is going great this year in school, compared to past years (he is in 2nd grade now). However, the year is still early, and his pattern is to get worse as the year progresses.Anyway, yesterday it was a nasty email from the art teacher, and today from the bus driver. I am irritated with the school, because I have asked repeatedly for a behavioral plan, but whenever I do, his behavior is suddenly not a problem. I mostly get the impression they don't want to give him any more help because he does well academically.....that's a whole different story!So.....he has been getting in trouble at school, and has even been bad for my brother and mother, who he is usually really good for. Today he threw a notebook at my Mom, when she tried making him write sentences for being bad on the bus (he kept yelling "blah, blah, blah" and the bus driver told him 5 times to stop, and he would not listen). It's one thing for him to act up with me....but not so common with my Mom. The final straw was tonight, when I took him shopping. It was getting late, and I was in a hurry. He continues to do everything he can to be pokey and slow us down, including spending 20 minutes in the bathroom (I actually let him go in to them men's restroom for once, and this is what happens....but he is turning 8...I need to eventually!!!). This is an ongoing issue with him. He does everything at his own (very slow) pace, and when he wants to. The world must revolve around him!! Mornings can be terrible because of this. I had just had enough tonight, and literally yelled at him all the way home from the store. We get home, I'm fuming, he's crying hysterically and apologizing. I start feeling really guilty and sat down to talk to him. He tells me that he wishes he were someone else (and starts naming kids he knows who are "good") and not him. He hates being him and said he wishes I would kill him, that he doesn't want to be alive any more!!! My 2nd grader is talking like this. I probed more in to his behavior, and he finally admitted that he hates the kids at school because they are mean to him. He has asked me (actually begged me) before to move so that he could go to another school with nice kids. I get so frustrated, because everything is someone else's fault, or he has an excuse. He never does anything wrong!! Then he says this and I feel bad. Could he be acting out because of how the kids are treating him? He sees a therapist, so I could bring this up to her. He is also in social skills classes with the same therapist. I am so worried about him, and feel like my losing it is only hurting him more. He is soooooo smart, and I know he gets what is right, and what is respectful....he just doesn't follow through. He says he doesn't know how to be good, but is that just an excuse?? I asked him if he thought I loved him....and he said no!!! I have always tried to let him know that when I am mad at him, I still love him, I just don't like the way he is acting or what he is doing. Is this typical for a child to think this way? I also heard my Mom tell him she loves him no matter what he does.Guess I'm looking for suggestions!! I worry sooooo much about what everyone else things of us, and I know I shouldn't. That causes way more stress, and I know this. Tomorrow we are suppose to go to my boyfriend's parents house for a birthday party (my boyfriend's 11 year old son), and I don't even know if I want to go now. He will probably act up, since he has been on a roll lately, and I will just stress out. I don't always feel they are the most understand people. My boyfriend's son (the only grandchild) couldn't be any easier, sweet, quiet!!! I just don't feel like they understand, and I worry about it more than I should!!Sorry to go on.....I just feel soooooo bad and frustrated right now. I am a single Mom (Dad is what I would call the "Disneyland" Dad).....and it wears on me doing this by myself sometimes!!!!!!

Bing brings you maps, menus, and reviews organized in one place. Try it now.

November 25, 2009

, can I just say I am SO glad you’re a part of this group

Excellent email !!!

=)

From:

[mailto: ] On

Behalf Of G

Sent: Wednesday, November 25, 2009 6:37 AM

Aspergers Treatment

Subject: RE: ( ) I Feel Like The Worst Mother Ever!!!!

It sounds a bit to me like he's tired of school and trying to find a

new way too fit i. Probably when acts poorly at school the

kids all laugh with him instead of at him and for a couple seconds he feels

accepted. Think of a young Bart Simpson there. Then when it is you

or your mom or some other adult he is probably just acting out from

stress. This isn't to say his behavior isn't wrong, but he is

probably acting out from other stimulous in his life.

As for his acting out last night, what exactly was he

doing? Most of the time I have seen behavior like this its a

mixture of OCD and asperger's, not just asperger's. So I must ask does he

show any other signs OCD? I mean there is only so much you can do in

the bathroom, but if your spending 5-10 minutes washing your hands... yea

it will take forever. Theory of the mind difficulties + obsessive habits

and rituals = disaster 9 times out of 10.

I think what he needs the next couple days is for them to be as stressfree as

possible. It sounds a bit like a 4 or 5 day vacation (not sure if he

has tomorrow) couldn't have come at a better time, but of course

if he has the stress of a very different schedule in an

unfamiliar environment (at least a little bit). So yea,

celebrating your boyfriends kids birthday might not be the best idea

tomorrow, and might not be entirely fair to either one of them (your

son gets in trouble and the other boy will feel robbed of his party.) If

they get along just fine it might be a better idea to invite him over later to

hang out and to play with whatever he got for his bday.

Sadly, I don't think depression is that uncommon in kids like him. I

wasn't that depressed in 2nd grade, but by 4th grade certainly, and

by 6th or 7th grade suicidal thoughts were starting to creep in. I

wish I could say it will get better right away, and in some ways it will

like the stressors for you should get better sooner rather then

later (most of the " brattyness " gets better around middle

school I have found) but he is probably going to be stressed for

years. Here are a couple suggestions for you.

1) You CANNOT ever yell at him. In fact, probably best if you never

direct your anger at him. I know this is hard, I know sometimes it seems

like he isn't listening to a word your saying unless you yell, but yelling

will just stress him out more. You can still punish him in just

about whatever way you do, just make sure to be reassuring while you do it

(example: " I am doing this because I know your a good boy and this isn't

like you " ). Note, acting out of anger tonight doesn't make you a bad

mom, but you do need to control it in the future if he is going to get happier.

2) He needs a friend more then just about anything else. I know

this can seem impossible to achieve but schedule a playdate or whatever

with another kid with asperger's or ADHD or whatever that tends to be on

the outside looking in more often then not. If he your

boyfriends kid is nice to him and doesn't mind an annoying lil bro type

(make very sure of that first!) then he might make a good friend.

You would be amazed at how much that one good friend does for you. I

was never popular at school but when I had the one good friend

I tended to be a lot happier then when I didn't and I could list

them all off to you now (Mike E. and Tim (who hated each other btw

lol) during elementary school, Rocky during 6th grade,

Mike A. during the first part of 8th grade, Troy during the first

part of 9th grade (note the last two pretty much betrayed me after a

while, the second far more then the first but he was part of a very different

clique... still good while it lasted) during 11th

grade (finally a friend who was just as messed up as I was lol, he was

living in the RTC here, thank God because I don't know if I would have survived

11th grade without him, that was when my depression was just about at its

worst), and Matt in my senior year). Even having one friend all those

times made me so much happier

3) Don't get too down on yourself. You probably made a mistake

tonight, guess what, I am just about willing to bet that just about

anyone in here has made the exact same one with

similiar results, God knows my mom made it a few times before, doesn't

mean shes a bad mom. If you get too down on yourself its just going

to make things worse. But on the same token try try try not to do it

again, for his sake.

4) When and where possible try to make his homelife as stressfree as

possible. Some thoughts for this, try to go to the store when it is as

empty as possible, always hard with younger guys but if there is a way to do

it, try, there aren't many places as stressful to a young aspie as the store

(noises and crowds... even at 23 I still must say YUCK!). I am sure his

bedtime prevents this on weekdays, but generally around 8 or 9 at

nite the store is empty... if hes allowed to stay up that late on a Friday or

Saturday its worth trying. Also in my hometown we have 2 Hy-Vees and

a Shnooks (probably misspelled that) as our grocery stores. The Hy-Vees

have been here forever and therefore have a huge clientale and are always

busy. The Shnooks has been here maybe 2 or 3 years and theres never

more then 2 or 3 dozen cars in the parking lot... I so grealy prefer going to

Shnooks, especcially considering the prices are roughly equal. I am sure

there are other ways that you must determine yourself, and I know the

critics out there will say, " But life is stressful " but when you have

a depressed 8 year old on your hands, help him out a bit.

5) Tickle him more... okay probably not real advice but he is probably goofy

(not quite sure why I just said probably...) and goofy kids need ticklings, so

always always be tickling him!

6) Feel free to talk to me on Messenger, I am known in parts as

the UOPHA (unofficial official parent helper aspie, I gave it to myself :-p),

so sometimes I am good at helping GMs out.

I think thats enough for now, really don't get too down on yourself, I am sure

your doing a great job and he should turn out to be a great kid. Nobody

likes this time but it will get better (and worse) in time before it all gets

better . This coming from someone who is right now a boomerang kid...

lol.

From: gina9431@...

Date: Wed, 25 Nov 2009 03:21:05 +0000

Subject: ( ) I Feel Like The Worst Mother Ever!!!!

I sometimes just can't take it

any more!!! My son will be 8 in a few weeks, and has been a real challenge the

last few days. Over all, he is going great this year in school, compared to

past years (he is in 2nd grade now). However, the year is still early, and his

pattern is to get worse as the year progresses.

Anyway, yesterday it was a nasty email from the art teacher, and today from the

bus driver. I am irritated with the school, because I have asked repeatedly for

a behavioral plan, but whenever I do, his behavior is suddenly not a problem. I

mostly get the impression they don't want to give him any more help because he

does well academically.....that's a whole different story!

So.....he has been getting in trouble at school, and has even been bad for my

brother and mother, who he is usually really good for. Today he threw a

notebook at my Mom, when she tried making him write sentences for being bad on

the bus (he kept yelling " blah, blah, blah " and the bus driver told

him 5 times to stop, and he would not listen). It's one thing for him to act up

with me....but not so common with my Mom.

The final straw was tonight, when I took him shopping. It was getting late, and

I was in a hurry. He continues to do everything he can to be pokey and slow us

down, including spending 20 minutes in the bathroom (I actually let him go in

to them men's restroom for once, and this is what happens....but he is turning

8...I need to eventually!!!). This is an ongoing issue with him. He does

everything at his own (very slow) pace, and when he wants to. The world must

revolve around him!! Mornings can be terrible because of this. I had just had

enough tonight, and literally yelled at him all the way home from the store. We

get home, I'm fuming, he's crying hysterically and apologizing. I start feeling

really guilty and sat down to talk to him. He tells me that he wishes he were

someone else (and starts naming kids he knows who are " good " ) and not

him. He hates being him and said he wishes I would kill him, that he doesn't

want to be alive any more!!! My 2nd grader is talking like this.

I probed more in to his behavior, and he finally admitted that he hates the

kids at school because they are mean to him. He has asked me (actually begged

me) before to move so that he could go to another school with nice kids. I get

so frustrated, because everything is someone else's fault, or he has an excuse.

He never does anything wrong!! Then he says this and I feel bad. Could he be

acting out because of how the kids are treating him?

He sees a therapist, so I could bring this up to her. He is also in social

skills classes with the same therapist. I am so worried about him, and feel

like my losing it is only hurting him more. He is soooooo smart, and I know he

gets what is right, and what is respectful....he just doesn't follow through.

He says he doesn't know how to be good, but is that just an excuse?? I asked

him if he thought I loved him....and he said no!!! I have always tried to let

him know that when I am mad at him, I still love him, I just don't like the way

he is acting or what he is doing. Is this typical for a child to think this

way? I also heard my Mom tell him she loves him no matter what he does.

Guess I'm looking for suggestions!! I worry sooooo much about what everyone

else things of us, and I know I shouldn't. That causes way more stress, and I

know this. Tomorrow we are suppose to go to my boyfriend's parents house for a

birthday party (my boyfriend's 11 year old son), and I don't even know if I

want to go now. He will probably act up, since he has been on a roll lately,

and I will just stress out. I don't always feel they are the most understand

people. My boyfriend's son (the only grandchild) couldn't be any easier, sweet,

quiet!!! I just don't feel like they understand, and I worry about it more than

I should!!

Sorry to go on.....I just feel soooooo bad and frustrated right now. I am a

single Mom (Dad is what I would call the " Disneyland " Dad).....and it

wears on me doing this by myself sometimes!!!!!!

Bing brings you maps, menus, and reviews organized in one

place. Try it now.

November 25, 2009

First off, you're not a terrible mother. A stressed one, but not terrible. If

you're terrible than so am I. Everyone gets at the end of their rope.

My son, , is 12 and when he was 7 he was much like your son is right now.

He was in a terrible situation at school where all his behavior stuff was taken

out of his IEP. The wrong environment at school can cause other issues like

oppositional behavior which I think your son might be exhibiting.

Here are my suggestions:

Keep working with the school but take the attitude that your son is advocating

for himself in the only way he knows how. You don't have to tell THEM this, but

when you deal with him remember that. Don't punish him for something he did on

the bus or at school no matter what mean notes you get. It's already too late

anyway and punishment and negativity only makes it worse when it's something he

can't control and I expect it is. Impulse control was terrible for us at age 7.

Now at 12 with a history of 3 great schools from 2nd to 7th and a lot of help he

has a LOT more impulse control. He has more impulse control than his 9 year old

sister. Sure, she's younger, but he was operating at her emotional level or

younger for a long time.

Keep at the school and make sure you tell them it's THEIR job to figure out what

to do with him when they have him because you're not there to do anything about

it. You can agree to talk to him to try to figure out WHY and you can give them

suggestions for how to handle things but don't punish him for bad behavior at

school. Reward him if someone says he did something right because positive is

always good.

Ignore as much bad behavior as you can. Going slower may be something he really

NEEDS to do. I have some of the same issues as my son. I am so uncoordinated

that when I've tried to rush I've broken bones. I just have to go slower.

Here are my rules about what battles I will fight.

If someone is getting hurt, I have to do something.

If property is being damaged, I have to do something.

If there is a safety issue, I have to do something.

If the behavior upsets me so much that I'm likely to lash out I try to do

something before I get to that point. Obviously, if going slower drives you

crazy and he can't help it you'll have a conflict with this one. Allow extra

time.

When he's having a hard time you can tell him, " I know you're a great kid and

that you don't want to behave this way. You want everyone to know what a great

kid you are. " You'd be amazed how far I get with this.

As long as no hurt, damage, safety issues are happening ignore the behavior as

much as you can and let him know when he's doing the right thing.

Figure out what his triggers are. Read, " Raising Your Spirited Child " The

author's last name is Kurcinka, I think. It is a small, paperback with

practical suggestions for figuring out the causes of behavior and what to do. I

chose the town I'm living in now because the school where would start here

had a very well thumbed copy of this book. It just struck me as being SO RIGHT!

There were other things, but seeing this book really made me feel it was a good

place. It has been just staggeringly amazing here. Soo sooo good.

You don't have to read the whole book, just look for things that you think

pertain to your situation. Or read the whole thing since it's not that huge. I

don't think I ever read it all I just read bits here and there but it's

fantastic.

Before the party do a social story. Put your son in the first person.

When we go to Bill's party I will have to ride in the car for 20 minutes. Bill

will get presents. I can eat cake and watch Bill open presents. I can't open

the presents.

If I am upset I can... (ask mom to take me outside, go to the car...whatever you

think will help him)

If he can't take himself out of a situation then you take him out. Don't make

it like a punishment. Just tell him you feel like he's having some trouble and

maybe he needs a break. You can even call it a " cuddle time-out " if you think

he'll like that. Then take him in a quiet place and cuddle or rock if he wants.

You can talk to him about cuddle time-outs in advance. Ask him if he would like

to try that the next time he's upset.

He doesn't WANT to be this way but he can't help it and he won't get the control

if someone doesn't teach him how. Cuddle time-outs teach him that he can do

something positive if he's reached his limits. Help him discover his own

limits. You can say to him, " I think you need a break " or if you know he's on

his way to being over stimulated you can ask him if he needs a break. Doing

this over and over again will eventually help him figure out he needs to do it

himself. My son does all of this and at 7 I couldn't take him to the park

without him biting people we didn't even know.

Anyway, this is the stuff I've done. I could be wrong and maybe there are other

ways but my own situation was made much better by the stuff I'm telling you

here. It's worth a try. It won't be easy at first and for a while it will be

kind of up and down maybe.

Keep us posted. Let me know if you try something I've suggested because I'd

love to hear if it's working for you.

Don't worry, you're doing great. The fact that you ask for help means a lot.

Hugs,

Miriam

>

> I sometimes just can't take it any more!!! My son will be 8 in a few weeks,

and has been a real challenge the last few days. Over all, he is going great

this year in school, compared to past years (he is in 2nd grade now). However,

the year is still early, and his pattern is to get worse as the year progresses.

>

> Anyway, yesterday it was a nasty email from the art teacher, and today from

the bus driver. I am irritated with the school, because I have asked repeatedly

for a behavioral plan, but whenever I do, his behavior is suddenly not a

problem. I mostly get the impression they don't want to give him any more help

because he does well academically.....that's a whole different story!

>

> So.....he has been getting in trouble at school, and has even been bad for my

brother and mother, who he is usually really good for. Today he threw a

notebook at my Mom, when she tried making him write sentences for being bad on

the bus (he kept yelling " blah, blah, blah " and the bus driver told him 5 times

to stop, and he would not listen). It's one thing for him to act up with

me....but not so common with my Mom.

>

> The final straw was tonight, when I took him shopping. It was getting late,

and I was in a hurry. He continues to do everything he can to be pokey and slow

us down, including spending 20 minutes in the bathroom (I actually let him go in