How Do Blended Families Do It??

[Guest guest]

I have an 8 year old son with AS. My boyfriend and I have been dating for over

2 years....he has an 11 year old son.

I just find sooooo many issues when it comes to combining our family and really

question if we could ever be happy. We spend lots of time together and have

gone on numerous vacations/trips together, so we have experienced a little what

things would be like.

My son tends to act worse around BF and his son. Sometimes I think it is a

jealousy/attention thing, sometimes I think he is excited to see them (he seems

to love them both). So, things are exaggerated when we are together and BF

doesn't see what our normal home life is like (it can be bad, but not as bad).

I often wonder if things would eventually calm down for my son if we lived

togther or if every day would be crazy!

I also struggle with how to feel half the time. My BF has the sweetest, easiest

child ever. He hardly ever has to discipline him. He gets straight A's

(although mine does too), never gets in trouble at school, and his great at

pretty much everything he does. He plays every sport available and always has

to be the " superstar " of the team. BF and his family are a bit much when it

comes to sports and I find myself jealous because my son does not even want to

play. If he does....it usually end up being a nightmare. My son has low muscle

tone and struggles with motor skills, so sports are obviously hard for him.

Some days I just want to puke listening to BF and his parents go on and on about

how good his son did at this or at that........

Yet I am happy for his son. I love him and think he is a great kid....but he is

not mine child and I feel bad that my child cannot do all of that.

I also struggle with knowing what to expect out of my BF when it comes to my

son. He rarely says anything to my son, but has when things start getting out

of control or they are directed at him. For example.....last Saturday my son

was very tired and being obnoxious and rude. At one point BF tried to explain

something to him and my son told him to shut up and mind his own business (mind

you....BF son would never say anything slightly rude let alone this rude!). BF

said something back and I found myself in the middle feeling torn. We talked

about it later and BF doesn't feel anyone should be able to disrespect him like

that. This has been a sore subject as BF has brought up my son is disrespectful

(which he can be!). I feel like that ends up being a direct reflection of my

parenting. I get upset and say something stupid like, " well if I were only as

good of a parent as you and your son's Mom....guess it must be all my fault " .

I just don't know how I should feel. Obviously my son will never be his flesh

and blood, but how close should I expect them to be? BF has never dealt with

any type of disability let alone AS. His comes from the perfect little family

where parenting is so easy and everything should be just like it was when he

grew up!! I know my son makes it hard to connect with him. Should I expect BF

to be the adult and be able to connect in some way and understand? I hang on to

every comment he has ever said about my son and find myself being resentful. I

start to worry the problem is our relationship yet I find it hard to believe

this will not be a problem with every man I date.

BF has made aweseome effort to learn about AS, read about AS, etc. He has come

to a counseling appointment with me to talk about my son. He has gone to events

with us related to my son. He has asked others questions and does seem to be

trying. I just worry that this will never be right for him and his perfect

little family.......or maybe it is just me and my jealousy/hestiation that will

never allow it to happen. After all......look at the divorce rate for bio

parents of an AS child.....are my chance about 0% between this and being married

prior?

Sorry for the vent....hoping there is someone else out there with a similar

situation.

Thanks for listening,