Re: Feel like a prisoner

[Guest guest]

Pull out the community events section of the paper, or check them online and choose an upcoming meeting that interests you (authors, book club, tennis, rotary..etc) then go and meet your new 'friends'. 

 

Kathy J. 

On 8/28/09, tpalvado <tpalvado@...> wrote:

 

I feel like a prisoner in my own home. Why is it that dh can go wherever he wants and I have to stay home? We don't go out in public too much because of n's tantrums and his behavior. We always get stares and whispers like we are bad parents. No one knows what we go through. Unless you have a kid that has autism, you will never understand. You don't want to be in our shoes. I always have to stay home with the kids while dh can go wherever he wants. It's not fair!! I talk to him about it and all he says is that if I had any friends than I could go somewhere and he will stay with the kids. How can I make friends if I don't go anywhere? I get so sick of staying home all the time.

[Guest guest]

Hi

Where are you located? I started a moms' group here in Phoenix for moms of special needs kids and we have dinner out once a month and retreat for a weekend 2x/yr. Perhaps I could help you get something started in your area if you're not in AZ?

Lori

( ) Feel like a prisoner

I feel like a prisoner in my own home. Why is it that dh can go wherever he wants and I have to stay home? We don't go out in public too much because of n's tantrums and his behavior. We always get stares and whispers like we are bad parents. No one knows what we go through. Unless you have a kid that has autism, you will never understand. You don't want to be in our shoes. I always have to stay home with the kids while dh can go wherever he wants. It's not fair!! I talk to him about it and all he says is that if I had any friends than I could go somewhere and he will stay with the kids. How can I make friends if I don't go anywhere? I get so sick of staying home all the time.

[Guest guest]

I live in n, AR if that helpsFrom: Lori Lashley <l8elucretia@...>Subject: Re: ( ) Feel like a prisoner Date: Friday, August 28, 2009, 8:07 PM

Hi

Where are you located? I started a moms' group here in Phoenix for moms of special needs kids and we have dinner out once a month and retreat for a weekend 2x/yr. Perhaps I could help you get something started in your area if you're not in AZ?

Lori

( ) Feel like a prisoner

I feel like a prisoner in my own home. Why is it that dh can go wherever he wants and I have to stay home? We don't go out in public too much because of n's tantrums and his behavior. We always get stares and whispers like we are bad parents. No one knows what we go through. Unless you have a kid that has autism, you will never understand. You don't want to be in our shoes. I always have to stay home with the kids while dh can go wherever he wants. It's not fair!! I talk to him about it and all he says is that if I had any friends than I could go somewhere and he will stay with the kids. How can I make friends if I don't go anywhere? I get so sick of staying home all the time.

[Guest guest]

Well I don't know anything about Arkansas, but I'd be happy to try to help you to put together a group. You could send fliers home with other special needs peers at the school with your email address to get started...?

( ) Feel like a prisoner

I feel like a prisoner in my own home. Why is it that dh can go wherever he wants and I have to stay home? We don't go out in public too much because of n's tantrums and his behavior. We always get stares and whispers like we are bad parents. No one knows what we go through. Unless you have a kid that has autism, you will never understand. You don't want to be in our shoes. I always have to stay home with the kids while dh can go wherever he wants. It's not fair!! I talk to him about it and all he says is that if I had any friends than I could go somewhere and he will stay with the kids. How can I make friends if I don't go anywhere? I get so sick of staying home all the time.

[Guest guest]

Okay...then start making plans....go to the bookstore one night and browse around, have a cup of coffee....look in the paper for groups to join, go to church....just make the plans...tell your husband and go. Don't wait...make plans to go out once a week...even if it is to go to the movies by yourself....so what...go and enjoy!

Jan

Janice Rushen

"I will try to be open to all avenues of wisdom and hope"

From: tpalvado <tpalvado@...>Subject: ( ) Feel like a prisoner Date: Friday, August 28, 2009, 8:24 PM

I feel like a prisoner in my own home. Why is it that dh can go wherever he wants and I have to stay home? We don't go out in public too much because of n's tantrums and his behavior. We always get stares and whispers like we are bad parents. No one knows what we go through. Unless you have a kid that has autism, you will never understand. You don't want to be in our shoes. I always have to stay home with the kids while dh can go wherever he wants. It's not fair!! I talk to him about it and all he says is that if I had any friends than I could go somewhere and he will stay with the kids. How can I make friends if I don't go anywhere? I get so sick of staying home all the time.

[Guest guest]

>

> I talk to him about it and all he says is that if I had any friends than I

could go somewhere and he will stay with the kids.

So, drop the friends angle. Tell him you just need to get out--by yourself. If

he can't deal with surprises, set up a time every week (every day?) that you get

to leave and he gets to stay with the kids.

[Guest guest]

I know how you feel. One good thing is your suffering may push you

to seek the medical treatment your child needs.

My daughter's meltdowns were so severe she could not do

anything socially at all. Even family parties. I was home

on Christmas and Easter and my husband was with his family.

It would be great if my husband like yours could help fill

the void but ....it is not the way it is. Our therapist said

she knew many men that were avoidant when kids are suffering

chronic medical issues. The isolation has been bad but it gives me insight into

the kind of suffering she lives with too.

For years MD's were so reluctant to treat her meltdowns. This year

she refused to go to school. Finally the pyschiatrists

have said she needs something. And I was able to have a choice

im pyschiatrists since they all agreed she needed medications.

WOW!!!!! Was that a depressed episode all these years on transitions?

She must have been irrtiable and depressed not developmentally

delayed only. The low dose of zoloft (35mg) totally changed her mood!!!! Her

obsessive interests and anxiety is still present but the mood is so much better.

She has some tremors in her legs at night

but not every night so I hesitate in increasing the zoloft higher but we may

this winter.

She suffered so much the poor kid. Now I ask what was the

big resistence in a 4 week trial of zoloft back when she was

7 years old or 8 or 9 etc. I saw a change this summer in 4 weeks.

We started 2 weeks at 12mg then 25 mg at the end of 4 weeks

total she was smiling and in a happier mood. Why is there such a resistance. The

side effects now seem so ridiculous to have worried

so much about. We could have stopped the trial at any point if

it increased irritable or anxious behavior. I suffered too.

And my marriage suffered too. When kids have diabetes type I

they need medication and no amount of dieting or interventions

will help. Yet with anxiety and depression kids have to prove their

suffering is so great before medications is prescribed.

If your child's issues are so severe you can't go out in public

I would PUSH for a medication trial. Most likely zoloft or prozac

will be trialed since they have been studied to much in kids. Insist your child

goes beyond what is acceptable. The MDs want to know it is not bad parenting so

keep a structured schedule and use positive reinforcement so you don't increase

the problems.

Show them keeping the famiy life structured is not enough to

calm outbursts and higly irritable beahvior. If your child is over the age of 5

I would not refer to the behaviors as tantrums. Toddlers

have tantrums, preschoolers still have tantrums after that it is

not developmentally normal to have them so much you are

home bound.

My daughter is still out of sync and without friends but at least

I can take her places again. We have a long way to go

on creating a social circle but if your child like mind

does not have emotional control there is no chance.

Pam

>

> I feel like a prisoner in my own home. Why is it that dh can go wherever he

wants and I have to stay home? We don't go out in public too much because of

n's tantrums and his behavior. We always get stares and whispers like we

are bad parents. No one knows what we go through. Unless you have a kid that has

autism, you will never understand. You don't want to be in our shoes. I always

have to stay home with the kids while dh can go wherever he wants. It's not

fair!! I talk to him about it and all he says is that if I had any friends than

I could go somewhere and he will stay with the kids. How can I make friends if I

don't go anywhere? I get so sick of staying home all the time.

>

[Guest guest]

That's what I would do too Jan.  Does your town or city have community education?

See if there are any classes one nite a week  that you could go to.... i.e. beading, drawing,

or ??  Here in Minneapolis we have that, and you can join a class such as that and pay maybe

$10-25 for supplies.  They also have book clubs, people that meet and just go walking.

Do you by chance have a local gym?  Just working out would be great for yourself

and relieving stress.  But, as Jan says, just make the plans and go.  Marriage is

a two way street.

On Sat, Aug 29, 2009 at 7:12 AM, rushen janice <jrushen@...> wrote:

 

Okay...then start making plans....go to the bookstore one night and browse around, have a cup of coffee....look in the paper for groups to join, go to church....just make the plans...tell your husband and go.  Don't wait...make plans to go out once a week...even if it is to go to the movies by yourself....so what...go and enjoy!

 

Jan

Janice Rushen

 

" I will try to be open to all avenues of wisdom and hope "

From: tpalvado <tpalvado@...>Subject: ( ) Feel like a prisoner

Date: Friday, August 28, 2009, 8:24 PM

 

I feel like a prisoner in my own home. Why is it that dh can go wherever he wants and I have to stay home? We don't go out in public too much because of n's tantrums and his behavior. We always get stares and whispers like we are bad parents. No one knows what we go through. Unless you have a kid that has autism, you will never understand. You don't want to be in our shoes. I always have to stay home with the kids while dh can go wherever he wants. It's not fair!! I talk to him about it and all he says is that if I had any friends than I could go somewhere and he will stay with the kids. How can I make friends if I don't go anywhere? I get so sick of staying home all the time.

[Guest guest]

Sign up for a class somewhere. Join a gym and make a regular date each

week to go. Tell dh that you are doing this and this is your time.

Don't wait to make a friend because you will make them as you get out

and socialize. You might also consider attending your local autism

group for support. It is nice to socialize with families that have

kids with autism and you don't have to explain or feel on display. And

you might be less inhibited at going out as a family when you are with

the other family as well. You can all find ways to cope together. I

go out with a friend who has a child with more severe autism. We have

a wonderful time talking about things and she doesn't blink when my kid

does something weird and vice versa. In fact, we can laugh about the

odd things we face in life, which in nice.

 Roxanna

" The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do

nothing. " E. Burke

( ) Feel like a prisoner

I feel like a prisoner in my own home. Why is it that dh can go

wherever he wants and I have to stay home? We don't go out in public

too much because of n's tantrums and his behavior. We always get

stares and whispers like we are bad parents. No one20knows what we go

through. Unless you have a kid that has autism, you will never

understand. You don't want to be in our shoes. I always have to stay

home with the kids while dh can go wherever he wants. It's not fair!! I

talk to him about it and all he says is that if I had any friends than

I could go somewhere and he will stay with the kids. How can I make

friends if I don't go anywhere? I get so sick of staying home all the

time.

[Guest guest]

Sorry if I'm repeating what anyone else said, they are all great ideas I've seen so far. Are you involved in any kind of church or religious group? Perhaps your local church could point you to a women's club or reading group that you could join and get out by yourself once a week or so. My dh and I do this, once a week I get an evening or even a 1/2 day to just leave the house. I can grocery shop alone, or go to a club meeting or just go to Starbucks and read my favorite book over a cup of chai. When dh is deployed we get a sitter who has understanding and knowledge of autism and I set a schedule with her. It CAN feel like a prison. So that is why it's very important to arrange things so you can get out. From: Ellen <e.c.bernard@...>Subject: ( ) Feel like a prisoner Date: Saturday, August 29, 2009, 7:32 AM

T

The resentment towards dh is very understandable.

Setting up a local support group and finding a group of friends all sounds

great, but perhaps you need to take baby steps.

How about changing the parameters for your going out?

How about setting aside time each day for a twenty minute walk by yourself

and perhaps a few hours a week to go to the mall, or hair dresser, or some

other activity?

Once your husband and son are accustomed to your being out, you are ready

for the next step.

I would suggest looking at the local school's at night courses.

I took a class in mah jongg, but it could be bridge, yoga, knitting,

photography or any other interest you have. I met three other ladies at the

class and once a week we get together and play.

Good luck, and don't wait for friends to start having time to yourself.

Pursue your interests, friends will follow.

E.C.Bernard

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[Guest guest]

I can relate-I got custody of my sister's kids-one with aspergers about 5 yrs ago. My kids were alot older and I was used to going and all of a sudden it seemed as if I was stuck. In that 5 yrs my abused, autistic nephew has come a great way. I can now take him out in public-not for long periods of time, but I do go and am prepared for whatever situation may happen. I never leave the house without clothes, wetwipes, snacks, a portable dvd player etc. I even sent him to a camp this summer for children with disabilities. I worried the whole time but he did great and matured alot. I recently went back to work-I work mostly nights so I don't have to have a sitter and I sleep while he is at school. It gives me some communication time with other adults. Give yourself a break-you deserve it. Taking care of children full time is a huge job little lone with a

special need. I often wish I had someone like you living next door so we could help each other out!

Lori

From: tpalvado <tpalvado@...>Subject: ( ) Feel like a prisoner Date: Friday, August 28, 2009, 7:24 PM

I feel like a prisoner in my own home. Why is it that dh can go wherever he wants and I have to stay home? We don't go out in public too much because of n's tantrums and his behavior. We always get stares and whispers like we are bad parents. No one knows what we go through. Unless you have a kid that has autism, you will never understand. You don't want to be in our shoes. I always have to stay home with the kids while dh can go wherever he wants. It's not fair!! I talk to him about it and all he says is that if I had any friends than I could go somewhere and he will stay with the kids. How can I make friends if I don't go anywhere? I get so sick of staying home all the time. ------------------------------------

[Guest guest]

Dear Lori:This world needs more humans like you. God bless you alwaysAnaSent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeedFrom: lori jennings Date: Sun, 30 Aug 2009 17:40:07 -0700 (PDT)< >Subject: Re: ( ) Feel like a prisoner I can relate-I got custody of my sister's kids-one with aspergers about 5 yrs ago. My kids were alot older and I was used to going and all of a sudden it seemed as if I was stuck. In that 5 yrs my abused, autistic nephew has come a great way. I can now take him out in public-not for long periods of time, but I do go and am prepared for whatever situation may happen. I never leave the house without clothes, wetwipes, snacks, a portable dvd player etc. I even sent him to a camp this summer for children with disabilities. I worried the whole time but he did great and matured alot. I recently went back to work-I work mostly nights so I don't have to have a sitter and I sleep while he is at school. It gives me some communication time with other adults. Give yourself a break-you deserve it. Taking care of children full time is a huge job little lone with a special need. I often wish I had someone like you living next door so we could help each other out! LoriFrom: tpalvado <tpalvado >Subject: ( ) Feel like a prisoner Date: Friday, August 28, 2009, 7:24 PMI feel like a prisoner in my own home. Why is it that dh can go wherever he wants and I have to stay home? We don't go out in public too much because of n's tantrums and his behavior. We always get stares and whispers like we are bad parents. No one knows what we go through. Unless you have a kid that has autism, you will never understand. You don't want to be in our shoes. I always have to stay home with the kids while dh can go wherever he wants. It's not fair!! I talk to him about it and all he says is that if I had any friends than I could go somewhere and he will stay with the kids. How can I make friends if I don't go anywhere? I get so sick of staying home all the time. ------------------------------------