Stressed out Aspie parent

[Guest guest]

I have a 13 year old son who is the light of my life but I am under an enormous

amount of stress trying to keep us in our house and nothing is working. My son

is mildly retarded along with the Aspergers and never seems to be satisfied. Is

it a kid thing or an aspergers trait? He is very repititive and as soon as I

meet one of his needs he is asking for more than I can give him...he just

doesn't seem to understand that there is no extra money for anything but food

shelter and clothing. Like for example he couldn't wait for Santa to come and

only asked for really one thing a PS 2 football game...our family was adopted by

a group and givien very generous Christmas gifts and now that he has what he

asked for he is pestering me about things coming up in the futurelike pet expos

trips to the zoo a different game he wants...all the while putting more pressure

on me. I keep telling him that we have to wait until the time that these events

come up to see if we can afford to go to them..he's even talking about things in

October that I cannot afford. Right now I'm sitting here bawling my eyes out

not knowing if we are even going to have a place to live. Is it just a kid

thing to be so totally oblivious? Or is it an Aspergers trait or the fact that

he is just incapable of understanding.. I feel like a really crappy mom for

writing this.

Any suggestions would be appreciated.

Marcia

[Guest guest]

Hello Marcia,

Please don't feel like a crappy parent. I think we've all gone through this to some extent, maybe yours is more extreme though. I think it may be a teenage and an AS thing. For instance my NT daughter is 14 and always asking for something right after we just got her something. It's like a hole that never fills up. My 7 yr. old (PDD-NOS), not quite Asperger's (or maybe depending on who you ask), has OCD too. So a typical day with him is that he'll get a thought in his head, something he wants, and nag us literally every 5 minutes, until we explode. The latest thing was a multi-camera system put in every room in the house so he could monitor EVERYTHING. He got this idea from Toy Story 3, if anyone knows the monkey scene. Now I can't provide this even if I had the means. So I quietly say no, over and over and over. He never gets it. We are going through parent training on how to best deal with this w/o screaming, which is where we end up.

So I'm just saying you're not alone. And maybe some therapy for you to get rid of your guilt and sadness over having to say no sometimes.Just a thought.

Cathleen

From: Marcia <marcial7777@...> Sent: Mon, January 10, 2011 12:02:35 PMSubject: ( ) Stressed out Aspie parent

I have a 13 year old son who is the light of my life but I am under an enormous amount of stress trying to keep us in our house and nothing is working. My son is mildly retarded along with the Aspergers and never seems to be satisfied. Is it a kid thing or an aspergers trait? He is very repititive and as soon as I meet one of his needs he is asking for more than I can give him...he just doesn't seem to understand that there is no extra money for anything but food shelter and clothing. Like for example he couldn't wait for Santa to come and only asked for really one thing a PS 2 football game...our family was adopted by a group and givien very generous Christmas gifts and now that he has what he asked for he is pestering me about things coming up in the futurelike pet expos trips to the zoo a different game he wants...all the while putting more pressure on me. I keep telling him that we have to wait until the time that these events come up to see if we

can afford to go to them..he's even talking about things in October that I cannot afford. Right now I'm sitting here bawling my eyes out not knowing if we are even going to have a place to live. Is it just a kid thing to be so totally oblivious? Or is it an Aspergers trait or the fact that he is just incapable of understanding.. I feel like a really crappy mom for writing this.Any suggestions would be appreciated.Marcia

[Guest guest]

I'm with you, Cathleen, I think it's both a kid thing and an Aspergers thing. A kid thing (asking for things often, just like my NT 9 yr old daughter) made more difficult to deal with due to the Aspergers. Marcia - If I were you, I'd tell him "no, we can't get it." If you leave it as a "maybe" that might be what he's stuck on? If you say "no" but then are able to get it for him, he'll be pleasantly surprised. Also, YOU ARE NOT A CRAPPY MOM because you can't buy a gift for your child. This is something universal to many kids in the U.S., not just you. And it's perpetuated by parents who keeping giving "stuff" instead of spending time with their kids. You sound like a really good mom, actually. You are trying to be honest with your child by saying "maybe" but I think saying "no" would take the pressure off of you and maybe he would drop it.

With my son (14, Aspergers) he would never do this because he would think it's greedy and that is not tolerated with him. Before Christmas, my NT daughter would see a commercial for a toy and say "I want that for Christmas" and then hear an earload from my son about how ungrateful and selfish she was for wanting things. I tried to explain that it's a normal thing for a kid to want toy, especially before Christmas, but D takes it more like it's a character flaw. Or maybe it's just because his little sister asked for it =o)

From: Cathleen Veloria <cathleen.veloria@...> Sent: Mon, January 10, 2011 3:07:36 PMSubject: Re: ( ) Stressed out Aspie parent

Hello Marcia,

Please don't feel like a crappy parent. I think we've all gone through this to some extent, maybe yours is more extreme though. I think it may be a teenage and an AS thing. For instance my NT daughter is 14 and always asking for something right after we just got her something. It's like a hole that never fills up. My 7 yr. old (PDD-NOS), not quite Asperger's (or maybe depending on who you ask), has OCD too. So a typical day with him is that he'll get a thought in his head, something he wants, and nag us literally every 5 minutes, until we explode. The latest thing was a multi-camera system put in every room in the house so he could monitor EVERYTHING. He got this idea from Toy Story 3, if anyone knows the monkey scene. Now I can't provide this even if I had the means. So I quietly say no, over and over and over. He never gets it. We are going through parent training on how to best deal with this w/o screaming, which is where we end

up.

So I'm just saying you're not alone. And maybe some therapy for you to get rid of your guilt and sadness over having to say no sometimes.Just a thought.

Cathleen

From: Marcia <marcial7777@...> Sent: Mon, January 10, 2011 12:02:35 PMSubject: ( ) Stressed out Aspie parent

I have a 13 year old son who is the light of my life but I am under an enormous amount of stress trying to keep us in our house and nothing is working. My son is mildly retarded along with the Aspergers and never seems to be satisfied. Is it a kid thing or an aspergers trait? He is very repititive and as soon as I meet one of his needs he is asking for more than I can give him...he just doesn't seem to understand that there is no extra money for anything but food shelter and clothing. Like for example he couldn't wait for Santa to come and only asked for really one thing a PS 2 football game...our family was adopted by a group and givien very generous Christmas gifts and now that he has what he asked for he is pestering me about things coming up in the futurelike pet expos trips to the zoo a different game he wants...all the while putting more pressure on me. I keep telling him that we have to wait until the time that these events come up to see if we

can afford to go to them..he's even talking about things in October that I cannot afford. Right now I'm sitting here bawling my eyes out not knowing if we are even going to have a place to live. Is it just a kid thing to be so totally oblivious? Or is it an Aspergers trait or the fact that he is just incapable of understanding.. I feel like a really crappy mom for writing this.Any suggestions would be appreciated.Marcia

[Guest guest]

You are definitely not a crappy mom. I think it is partly a teen thing...and partly an AS thing. Teens today see so much on tv, computers, mall, magazines and at school. And, in school they all see what each other has and then want it...peer pressure. And, then our kids ...well a lot of them are OCD and can't let up...many like my son...can't wait...they need immediate self-gratification. In fact, my son did this the other day...he decided he wanted to get a video with his Xmas money...and wanted his dad to take him right there and then. At Christmas time....he would beg and beg and beg to open a gift...it got so bad I ended up giving in and letting him just to get him to stop.

I must admit...he has improved a bit. He doesn't ask for clothes and such. He mainly wants video games, videos or Burger King (LOL). Over Christmas break, he went out to eat with a bunch of his friends...we like him going but it can run into money. His father finally told him ...okay, but after this the bank is closed for a while.

Jan

"In the Midst of Difficulty lies Opportunity" Albert Einstein

Success is not measured by one's position but by the obstacles one has overcome to obtain that position

From: MacAllister <smacalli@...> Sent: Mon, January 10, 2011 5:32:20 PMSubject: Re: ( ) Stressed out Aspie parent

I'm with you, Cathleen, I think it's both a kid thing and an Aspergers thing. A kid thing (asking for things often, just like my NT 9 yr old daughter) made more difficult to deal with due to the Aspergers. Marcia - If I were you, I'd tell him "no, we can't get it." If you leave it as a "maybe" that might be what he's stuck on? If you say "no" but then are able to get it for him, he'll be pleasantly surprised. Also, YOU ARE NOT A CRAPPY MOM because you can't buy a gift for your child. This is something universal to many kids in the U.S., not just you. And it's perpetuated by parents who keeping giving "stuff" instead of spending time with their kids. You sound like a really good mom, actually. You are trying to be honest with your child by saying "maybe" but I think saying "no" would take the pressure off of you and maybe he would drop it.

With my son (14, Aspergers) he would never do this because he would think it's greedy and that is not tolerated with him. Before Christmas, my NT daughter would see a commercial for a toy and say "I want that for Christmas" and then hear an earload from my son about how ungrateful and selfish she was for wanting things. I tried to explain that it's a normal thing for a kid to want toy, especially before Christmas, but D takes it more like it's a character flaw. Or maybe it's just because his little sister asked for it =o)

From: Cathleen Veloria <cathleen.veloria@...> Sent: Mon, January 10, 2011 3:07:36 PMSubject: Re: ( ) Stressed out Aspie parent

Hello Marcia,

Please don't feel like a crappy parent. I think we've all gone through this to some extent, maybe yours is more extreme though. I think it may be a teenage and an AS thing. For instance my NT daughter is 14 and always asking for something right after we just got her something. It's like a hole that never fills up. My 7 yr. old (PDD-NOS), not quite Asperger's (or maybe depending on who you ask), has OCD too. So a typical day with him is that he'll get a thought in his head, something he wants, and nag us literally every 5 minutes, until we explode. The latest thing was a multi-camera system put in every room in the house so he could monitor EVERYTHING. He got this idea from Toy Story 3, if anyone knows the monkey scene. Now I can't provide this even if I had the means. So I quietly say no, over and over and over. He never gets it. We are going through parent training on how to best deal with this w/o screaming, which is where we end

up.

So I'm just saying you're not alone. And maybe some therapy for you to get rid of your guilt and sadness over having to say no sometimes.Just a thought.

Cathleen

From: Marcia <marcial7777@...> Sent: Mon, January 10, 2011 12:02:35 PMSubject: ( ) Stressed out Aspie parent

I have a 13 year old son who is the light of my life but I am under an enormous amount of stress trying to keep us in our house and nothing is working. My son is mildly retarded along with the Aspergers and never seems to be satisfied. Is it a kid thing or an aspergers trait? He is very repititive and as soon as I meet one of his needs he is asking for more than I can give him...he just doesn't seem to understand that there is no extra money for anything but food shelter and clothing. Like for example he couldn't wait for Santa to come and only asked for really one thing a PS 2 football game...our family was adopted by a group and givien very generous Christmas gifts and now that he has what he asked for he is pestering me about things coming up in the futurelike pet expos trips to the zoo a different game he wants...all the while putting more pressure on me. I keep telling him that we have to wait until the time that these events come up to see if we

can afford to go to them..he's even talking about things in October that I cannot afford. Right now I'm sitting here bawling my eyes out not knowing if we are even going to have a place to live. Is it just a kid thing to be so totally oblivious? Or is it an Aspergers trait or the fact that he is just incapable of understanding.. I feel like a really crappy mom for writing this.Any suggestions would be appreciated.Marcia

[Guest guest]

Macia,

I agree with the rest of the ladies. My son is 13 and being a teenager combined with AS he can be pretty relentless when he wants something. Teenagers find it hard to think that everything doesn't revolve around them anyway and then add the rigid thinking of AS it is exasperating. As I'm typing this my son is asking for the 100th time if he can get Xbox live. When I say no, for the 100th time, he starts begging. Please, please, mom...please. Until I say stop and tell him to let it go. Usually it doens't stop that quickly though. He usually will begin telling me all the reasons why he should have it and trys to strike deals with me. Sometimes its funny but when you're not in the mood it can be too much. So don't feel bad. We can't and shouldn't give our kids everything they want. I have too grown kids as well and they didn't get everything they wanted either because we just couldn' afford it. They appreciate what they have much more for it. They've

even told me this. So...just hang in there and don't feel guilty. ne

From: rushen janice <jrushen@...>Subject: Re: ( ) Stressed out Aspie parent Date: Monday, January 10, 2011, 5:55 PM

You are definitely not a crappy mom. I think it is partly a teen thing...and partly an AS thing. Teens today see so much on tv, computers, mall, magazines and at school. And, in school they all see what each other has and then want it...peer pressure. And, then our kids ...well a lot of them are OCD and can't let up...many like my son...can't wait...they need immediate self-gratification. In fact, my son did this the other day...he decided he wanted to get a video with his Xmas money...and wanted his dad to take him right there and then. At Christmas time....he would beg and beg and beg to open a gift...it got so bad I ended up giving in and letting him just to get him to stop.

I must admit...he has improved a bit. He doesn't ask for clothes and such. He mainly wants video games, videos or Burger King (LOL). Over Christmas break, he went out to eat with a bunch of his friends...we like him going but it can run into money. His father finally told him ...okay, but after this the bank is closed for a while.

Jan

"In the Midst of Difficulty lies Opportunity" Albert Einstein

Success is not measured by one's position but by the obstacles one has overcome to obtain that position

From: MacAllister <smacalli@...> Sent: Mon, January 10, 2011 5:32:20 PMSubject: Re: ( ) Stressed out Aspie parent

I'm with you, Cathleen, I think it's both a kid thing and an Aspergers thing. A kid thing (asking for things often, just like my NT 9 yr old daughter) made more difficult to deal with due to the Aspergers. Marcia - If I were you, I'd tell him "no, we can't get it." If you leave it as a "maybe" that might be what he's stuck on? If you say "no" but then are able to get it for him, he'll be pleasantly surprised. Also, YOU ARE NOT A CRAPPY MOM because you can't buy a gift for your child. This is something universal to many kids in the U.S., not just you. And it's perpetuated by parents who keeping giving "stuff" instead of spending time with their kids. You sound like a really good mom, actually. You are trying to be honest with your child by saying "maybe" but I think saying "no" would take the pressure off of you and maybe he would drop it.

With my son (14, Aspergers) he would never do this because he would think it's greedy and that is not tolerated with him. Before Christmas, my NT daughter would see a commercial for a toy and say "I want that for Christmas" and then hear an earload from my son about how ungrateful and selfish she was for wanting things. I tried to explain that it's a normal thing for a kid to want toy, especially before Christmas, but D takes it more like it's a character flaw. Or maybe it's just because his little sister asked for it =o)

From: Cathleen Veloria <cathleen.veloria@...> Sent: Mon, January 10, 2011 3:07:36 PMSubject: Re: ( ) Stressed out Aspie parent

Hello Marcia,

Please don't feel like a crappy parent. I think we've all gone through this to some extent, maybe yours is more extreme though. I think it may be a teenage and an AS thing. For instance my NT daughter is 14 and always asking for something right after we just got her something. It's like a hole that never fills up. My 7 yr. old (PDD-NOS), not quite Asperger's (or maybe depending on who you ask), has OCD too. So a typical day with him is that he'll get a thought in his head, something he wants, and nag us literally every 5 minutes, until we explode. The latest thing was a multi-camera system put in every room in the house so he could monitor EVERYTHING. He got this idea from Toy Story 3, if anyone knows the monkey scene. Now I can't provide this even if I had the means. So I quietly say no, over and over and over. He never gets it. We are going through parent training on how to best deal with this w/o screaming, which is where we end

up.

So I'm just saying you're not alone. And maybe some therapy for you to get rid of your guilt and sadness over having to say no sometimes.Just a thought.

Cathleen

From: Marcia <marcial7777@...> Sent: Mon, January 10, 2011 12:02:35 PMSubject: ( ) Stressed out Aspie parent

I have a 13 year old son who is the light of my life but I am under an enormous amount of stress trying to keep us in our house and nothing is working. My son is mildly retarded along with the Aspergers and never seems to be satisfied. Is it a kid thing or an aspergers trait? He is very repititive and as soon as I meet one of his needs he is asking for more than I can give him...he just doesn't seem to understand that there is no extra money for anything but food shelter and clothing. Like for example he couldn't wait for Santa to come and only asked for really one thing a PS 2 football game...our family was adopted by a group and givien very generous Christmas gifts and now that he has what he asked for he is pestering me about things coming up in the futurelike pet expos trips to the zoo a different game he wants...all the while putting more pressure on me. I keep telling him that we have to wait until the time that these events come up to see if

we can afford to go to them..he's even talking about things in October that I cannot afford. Right now I'm sitting here bawling my eyes out not knowing if we are even going to have a place to live. Is it just a kid thing to be so totally oblivious? Or is it an Aspergers trait or the fact that he is just incapable of understanding.. I feel like a really crappy mom for writing this.Any suggestions would be appreciated.Marcia

[Guest guest]

Thanks you guys...I've been holding all this in for months. I will start telling him no istead of maybe and see if it slows him down a bit. And he does the same thing with fast food...he likes finger foods because he doesn't want to use his fork. Tonight as an Aspie will he surprised me he said dinner was delicious and it was all fork food then he thanked me for picking up his favorite movie at the library a couple times. Just when you think you've had enough they seem to show their light. I'm glad I wrote and should do so more often. Thanks for the support and for listening.

Marcia

( ) Stressed out Aspie parent

I have a 13 year old son who is the light of my life but I am under an enormous amount of stress trying to keep us in our house and nothing is working. My son is mildly retarded along with the Aspergers and never seems to be satisfied. Is it a kid thing or an aspergers trait? He is very repititive and as soon as I meet one of his needs he is asking for more than I can give him...he just doesn't seem to understand that there is no extra money for anything but food shelter and clothing. Like for example he couldn't wait for Santa to come and only asked for really one thing a PS 2 football game...our family was adopted by a group and givien very generous Christmas gifts and now that he has what he asked for he is pestering me about things coming up in the futurelike pet expos trips to the zoo a different game he wants...all the while putting more pressure on me. I keep telling him that we have to wait until the time that these events come up to see if

we can afford to go to them..he's even talking about things in October that I cannot afford. Right now I'm sitting here bawling my eyes out not knowing if we are even going to have a place to live. Is it just a kid thing to be so totally oblivious? Or is it an Aspergers trait or the fact that he is just incapable of understanding.. I feel like a really crappy mom for writing this.

Any suggestions would be appreciated.

Marcia

[Guest guest]

It sound like a very stressful time. This issue with obsessiveness is

not easy to fix. You can tell yourself that you are a good Mom

and that you are doing what you can do at the moment. No sense

in beating yourself up.

I can tell you no matter how much I buy, it is never enough. There is something

very obsessive about some of our kids that needs to be

figured out if a behavior plan or medication would help reduce.

You can try distractions as a way to get off these ideas, but

if often is not easy with our kids to do that. That is something

that works with typical kids, get them interested in sports

or socializing or friends.

You can let him look online or in catalogies and dream all

he wants. But some kids get impulsive when looking at stuff

and it can make it worse, since some are the type that have to

have it now.

You can try medication with the goal of lowering his obsessiveness.

Dr. Hollander wrote a number of books one is " Clinical Treatment of Autism "

and the other is " Clinical Treatment of Impulse Control Disorders. " Both books

are about trying to figure out how to

reduce obsessive behaviors (that are not OCD). Dr. Hollander

is an expert in autism and anxiety disorders at Mount Sinai

in NYC. There is a lot to figure out when giving medications to

children. We have to be informed and assess if the risks of medications are

worth the benefit.

I hope he can be redirected and distracted but if not there

are other options to help.

Best of wishes to you and I hope your personal issues

are resolved quickly.

Pam

>

> I have a 13 year old son who is the light of my life but I am under an

enormous amount of stress trying to keep us in our house and nothing is working.

My son is mildly retarded along with the Aspergers and never seems to be

satisfied. Is it a kid thing or an aspergers trait? He is very repititive and

as soon as I meet one of his needs he is asking for more than I can give

him...he just doesn't seem to understand that there is no extra money for

anything but food shelter and clothing. Like for example he couldn't wait for

Santa to come and only asked for really one thing a PS 2 football game...our

family was adopted by a group and givien very generous Christmas gifts and now

that he has what he asked for he is pestering me about things coming up in the

futurelike pet expos trips to the zoo a different game he wants...all the while

putting more pressure on me. I keep telling him that we have to wait until the

time that these events come up to see if we can afford to go to them..he's even

talking about things in October that I cannot afford. Right now I'm sitting

here bawling my eyes out not knowing if we are even going to have a place to

live. Is it just a kid thing to be so totally oblivious? Or is it an Aspergers

trait or the fact that he is just incapable of understanding.. I feel like a

really crappy mom for writing this.

>

> Any suggestions would be appreciated.

>

>

> Marcia

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks Sheryl..Having one child with AS and no other children or friends I don't know what the norm is..I'm glad I wrote.

Marcia

( ) Stressed out Aspie Parent

I am totally in the same boat. I have two AS children. One 14 and

one 9. My 9 year old tends to be the worst. He is constantly wanting

new video games. He just got a PS3 for Christmas, and of course he

wants new games to go with it. This happened when he got the Wii 2

years ago. Its a never ending thing. If it isn't games for the

consoles, its games to play online. And of course if you tell the

kids (any of my 3) that we don't have the money for something, they

say we are poor. We aren't poor! We have what we need, and should be

happy with that. So I think its a AS thing, and a NT thing. All kids

around this age are oblivious to how things really work. And it seems

like know matter how much you try to explain to them, its in one ear

and out the other. So I feel your pain :-( We have bills that we are

so far behind on, yet we constantly get the "gimmies" from the kids.

I can't really give any advice on how to make it better, but you are

by no means alone. Best of luck in everything, and I pray things get

better real soon!

Blessings,

Sheryl in MA mom to 14, AS, Meghan 12 NT, and Liam 9 AS

--

~Sheryl~ Proud mom to two children with Aspergers.....Autism isn't a

tragedy, Ignorance is.

[Guest guest]

My son is like this too.  It used to stress me out a lot more but I got hold of a book from the thrift shop I volunteer at called " How to say No without feeling guilty "   That book has really helped me.  Even just having it in my hand has helped me at the teen center where I work because they will see the book and sometimes they will do the sigh and eye roll thing and not even ask.  :-)  It has helped me a lot and you might be able to find a copy at the library.  I'm pretty sure I got the title right but my friend borrowed it for a while.

Kathy J.On Mon, Jan 10, 2011 at 12:02 PM, Marcia <marcial7777@...> wrote:

 

I have a 13 year old son who is the light of my life but I am under an enormous amount of stress trying to keep us in our house and nothing is working. My son is mildly retarded along with the Aspergers and never seems to be satisfied. Is it a kid thing or an aspergers trait? He is very repititive and as soon as I meet one of his needs he is asking for more than I can give him...he just doesn't seem to understand that there is no extra money for anything but food shelter and clothing. Like for example he couldn't wait for Santa to come and only asked for really one thing a PS 2 football game...our family was adopted by a group and givien very generous Christmas gifts and now that he has what he asked for he is pestering me about things coming up in the futurelike pet expos trips to the zoo a different game he wants...all the while putting more pressure on me. I keep telling him that we have to wait until the time that these events come up to see if we can afford to go to them..he's even talking about things in October that I cannot afford. Right now I'm sitting here bawling my eyes out not knowing if we are even going to have a place to live. Is it just a kid thing to be so totally oblivious? Or is it an Aspergers trait or the fact that he is just incapable of understanding.. I feel like a really crappy mom for writing this.

Any suggestions would be appreciated.

Marcia