Re: Always Blaming Someone/Something Else

March 31, 2010

Yes. We definitely have had our share of experiences with this.

Sometimes we still do. is 9yrs old and in grade 4. Yesterday, for

example, he came home and had a note on his daysheet saying that he was saying “bad

words” at lunch time. So I asked him about it. He said that another child

had put them in his head, that he was saying them. So I asked if that meant it

was the other childs fault, and he said yes. He truly believed that to be true.

THIS is a big Aspie problem, and a direct link to their issues with “theory

of mind”. I know for my son, he often lacks the understanding that if

someone else is doing something, then that doesn’t mean HE TOO should be

doing it. And vice versa. And remember… it’s not that they don’t

learn from their mistakes. It’s that they lack the ability to relate one

situation to another, and therefore need to be “retaught” each time

something like that occurs.

Honestly, with new levels of awareness on my son’s

Asperger’s at school, and his older age, I’ve been explaining to

him that he struggles to understand that because of his Asperger’s. But

that’s not how things are done… and then I go on to explain how

they are dealt with. Breaking it down into SIMPLE explanations seems to really

help. Yesterday, I asked if it was the other child who moved his (my son’s)

lips and made his voice come out. He said no. I told him that since it was HIM

who made those moves, it was HIM who needed to own responsibility for what came

out of his mouth. This seemed to make sense. I don’t expect it to stick

for next time, but he did understand during THAT situation.

I’m not sure if this is of help to you… but perhaps

maybe explaining the struggle to him, and remembering his direct issues with “Theory

of Mind”, it might help both of you to come to a place of understanding

with things

It is infuriating, and I completely empathize with your feeling

frustrated on this one! If it helps, we’ve seen a decrease in this since

he’s gotten older. I hope the same holds true for your boy

=)

From:

[mailto: ] On

Behalf Of gin2504

Sent: Wednesday, March 31, 2010 12:32 AM

Subject: ( ) Always Blaming Someone/Something Else

My son is 8 years old and in 2nd grade. Our

biggest issue right now is getting him to acknowledge what he is doing wrong

and taking responsibility for it. For example.....in the cafeteria yesterday,

his " foot was just sitting there, and a 3rd grader tripped over it " .

He swears it was an accident. It is the same story with everything at school

(and at home for that matter). He constantly says so and so got him in

trouble....he is never doing anything wrong. I try to explain to him that he is

responsible for his actions, but this doesn't seem to phase him. In fact, he

will even blame objects. If he hits his foot getting out of the shower, he will

blame (and yell at) the shower door. I am continually telling him he can not

blame objects and that you cannot go around yelling at objects!! It is driving

me crazy! He ended up in the principles office yesterday and can't seem to

understand what he did wrong and is upset that none of the teachers ever

believe him.

He usually can not lie about anything, so I can't figure out if he is just

telling lies or if he truly believes these things. Just wondering if anyone

else has these issues.....

March 31, 2010

Oh my gosh, Ben does the same thing. he is 11. It is never his fault, though I

have been working on responsibility some. I make him stop and tell my why it is

not his fault. He is now in Tae Kwon Do with his best friend with the same

problems. It has helped alot. The intructor is great with kids and the boys seem

to blame each other for things. The instructor says " no blame the other friend,

blame the other friend and you lose your belt for a week or longer " They

actually did once and they were devistated. He does continue to blame others-

and things, but it is slowly improving.

>

> My son is 8 years old and in 2nd grade. Our biggest issue right now is

getting him to acknowledge what he is doing wrong and taking responsibility for

it. For example.....in the cafeteria yesterday, his " foot was just sitting

there, and a 3rd grader tripped over it " . He swears it was an accident. It is

the same story with everything at school (and at home for that matter). He

constantly says so and so got him in trouble....he is never doing anything

wrong. I try to explain to him that he is responsible for his actions, but this

doesn't seem to phase him. In fact, he will even blame objects. If he hits his

foot getting out of the shower, he will blame (and yell at) the shower door. I

am continually telling him he can not blame objects and that you cannot go

around yelling at objects!! It is driving me crazy! He ended up in the

principles office yesterday and can't seem to understand what he did wrong and

is upset that none of the teachers ever believe him.

>

> He usually can not lie about anything, so I can't figure out if he is just

telling lies or if he truly believes these things. Just wondering if anyone

else has these issues.....

>

March 31, 2010

One more thing… I found this article this morning, and thought

it was fitting to share

=)

Does my child know what’s right and what’s

wrong? It seems he does not really know the difference.

On the surface, the issue of right and

wrong appears to be a complicated one for Asperger’s children, but it is not.

Children with Asperger’s Syndrome have very firm ideas of right and wrong, and

they can become argumentative with adults and peers over issues of proper or

improper behavior. They are typically unable to consider shades of grey and

will perceive issues in black or white terms; however, they can discuss those

issues with an adult and come to an agreement when solutions are proposed to

them.

The good news is that Asperger’s children

are known for being able to follow clearly explained and set rules that are

consistent, and this trait can be used to help them learn right from wrong. As

these children mature, they will learn right from wrong in a rote manner at

first; but later they will develop a greater understanding of why something is

right or wrong. An important factor is that the rules, and the explanation for

the rules, should be explained in a manner that they understand, and the rules

should be consistently enforced.

In fact, their inclination to learn right

from wrong can be so profound, it might seem that Asperger’s children are

pre-programmed to detect right and wrong, and they might even bluntly announce

that a request or activity is right or wrong. Also, they will take notice of

others’ incorrect behavior, but not their own; this can be perceived as a

double standard. In addition, they may not be able to show empathy for others,

and this can lead to problems as they may do or say things that seem wrong

because they may not be able to understand or empathize with another person’s

feelings.

Children and adults who do not have a

diagnosis of Asperger’s Syndrome can relate to other people and engage

effectively in social interactions with others because they are able to

perceive things from another individual’s point of view. The ability to

comprehend someone else’s point of view is the result of correctly perceiving

speech patterns, body language, tone of voice, facial movements, and the

situation in which communication is taking place. Children with Asperger’s

Syndrome and other autistic disorders can lack the capacity to relate to and

understand others’ feelings or behavioral nuances, particularly on an emotional

level. Also, the child’s inability to interpret someone else’s actions, whether

deliberate or unintentional, can result in the child’s experiencing paranoia.

This can result in inappropriate behavior.

Children with Asperger’s Syndrome may not

exhibit traditionally moral feelings or behaviors because Asperger’s denies

them the ability to experience the capacity for emotion and introspection on

which society’s perceptions of morality are based. These children do not

experience the feelings associated with traditional right and wrong; yet, they

may possess a sense of ethics as well as a cognitive understanding of right and

wrong. Asperger’s Syndrome does not completely remove a child’s awareness of

correct and incorrect behavior; it does allow them to behave with a sense of

socially acceptable morality if they are helped to do so.

March 31, 2010

My 11 yod does the same thing. She is hurting or tripping her cousins. And

when I call her on it she says she didn't mean to do it. i really don't know if

she really doesn't realize what she is doing or lying about it. It has been a

problem for awhile. Her 2 cousins have moved away so it is not as much a

problem now. They are mainly the one she did it to. I also wondered if she did

it for attention. They are younger than her.

nat