Re: Telling your child...share your story

[Guest guest]

My son is 8 I have not told him yet, it depends how severe are his symptoms, and how confused he is about himself, otherwise I would wait. My son is very confident and I don't want to spoil that, may be I wouldn't, I think the decision is VERY personal and different from one mother to another. My humble opinion, From: "michmull@..." <michmull@...>No Reply <notify-dg- >Cc: Sent: Thu, January 20, 2011 10:14:04 AMSubject: ( ) Telling your child...share your story

I'm thinking of telling my 7-year-old son about his ASD sometime soon in a low-key, age-appropriate way. I'm sense that it's about the right time and that overall it will be of benefit to him to know. But....like every parent, I have those scary "what if" feelings. Like, "What if it makes him sad? Angry? What if giving him a 'label' damages him? changes him?"...you know, all those concerns. My husband is very nervous about it. I actually think it's most likely that it won't phase him much, he'll run off to play more Pokemon and just sort of gradually absorb the information.

I think it would help me to hear people's stories about when they told their child and describe the reactions whether positive, negative, mixed, neutral. If you have the time to tell your story, either on list or off, I'd be most grateful.

-Mich

[Guest guest]

My dd told me at 2 1/2 her brain didn't work like everyone

else's.  At 4 she told me that her head is different, and at 6 she

wished she knew how to play Barbie dolls like her friends.  By then

I had done a lot of reading and figuring, so I told her she was

right, her head does work differently.  Since then, at 9 we have had

conversations that include explaining that whilst her friend

(NT) struggles with her maths in a way Beth never will, so

Beth struggles with making and keeping friends in a way

never will.  She went through a phase of being exceptionally

scathing of autistic children (we know a couple) and we had to

explain AS is on the autisic spectrum and that they should have her

sympathy - that she is just further up the line than they are and so

she should be grateful for that.

I would say that we have been very open and honest with Beth but a

lot of that has sprung from the immense difficulties my husband had

in being told all his life that he was fine, normal etc when he knew

he wasn't - he's not officially diagnosed but we're both convinced

he ticks all the boxes.  I am not AS but have dyspraxia and have

known for ever that things weren't "right" compared to all my

friends yet everyone denied it and so I became convinced I was the

one cracking up - to add to all the other issues!!

Just my thoughts - for us, talking about it, being open and honest

about it has opened up our world beyond recognition and has enabled

us as a family, rather than labeled or disabled us.  Beth is

not allowed to use it as an excuse and nor do we use it as an excuse

for bad behaviour etc but being able to talk to her about how her

head works has allowed us to discuss the way other people's heads

work and how to relate to them.

a

On 20/01/2011 15:14, michmull@... wrote:

 

I'm thinking of telling my 7-year-old son about his ASD

sometime soon in a low-key, age-appropriate way. I'm sense

that it's about the right time and that overall it will be

of benefit to him to know. But....like every parent, I

have those scary "what if" feelings. Like, "What if it

makes him sad? Angry? What if giving him a 'label' damages

him? changes him?"...you know, all those concerns. My

husband is very nervous about it. I actually think it's

most likely that it won't phase him much, he'll run off to

play more Pokemon and just sort of gradually absorb the

information.

I think it would help me to hear people's stories about

when they told their child and describe the reactions

whether positive, negative, mixed, neutral. If you have

the time to tell your story, either on list or off, I'd be

most grateful.

-Mich

[Guest guest]

Yes, I'm wondering about this too. ASD is such a vague thing to explain to a young child though (mine is 5, a young 5) - it's not like having a broken leg or something. I thought I might just keep it specific and treatment related e.g. "The OT is going to help you hold a pencil better; the PT is going to help you kick a ball" - that kind of thing, i.e. focus on the specific delays/issues rather than the nebulous ASD thing. He's been in speech for a year though, and has never asked why he does that - I don't know if he's noticed that not everyone in his class does speech.From: michmull@... <michmull@...>Subject: ( )

Telling your child...share your story"No Reply" <notify-dg- >Cc: Date: Thursday, January 20, 2011, 9:14 AM

I'm thinking of telling my 7-year-old son about his ASD sometime soon in a low-key, age-appropriate way. I'm sense that it's about the right time and that overall it will be of benefit to him to know. But....like every parent, I have those scary "what if" feelings. Like, "What if it makes him sad? Angry? What if giving him a 'label' damages him? changes him?"...you know, all those concerns. My husband is very nervous about it. I actually think it's most likely that it won't phase him much, he'll run off to play more Pokemon and just sort of gradually absorb the information.

I think it would help me to hear people's stories about when they told their child and describe the reactions whether positive, negative, mixed, neutral. If you have the time to tell your story, either on list or off, I'd be most grateful.

-Mich

[Guest guest]

there is a great book "aspergers huh?? by rosina schnurrr, phd and it is written from a childs perspective and we read it to our son when we told him when he was diagnosed at 7. you also might want to watch temple grandin, my son loves that movie because someone famous has aspergers that he can relate to. Sycamore Art StudiosSycamore Art SchoolDeborah GustlinGraphic & Web DesignArt classes for K-12www.sycamoreartstudios.comwww.sycamoreartschool.comHome: 408-710-0892 Business: 408-710-6070From: <jennywatson@...>To:

Sent: Thu, January 20, 2011 10:12:36 AMSubject: Re: ( ) Telling your child...share your story

Yes, I'm wondering about this too. ASD is such a vague thing to explain to a young child though (mine is 5, a young 5) - it's not like having a broken leg or something. I thought I might just keep it specific and treatment related e.g. "The OT is going to help you hold a pencil better; the PT is going to help you kick a ball" - that kind of thing, i.e. focus on the specific delays/issues rather than the nebulous ASD thing. He's been in speech for a year though, and has never asked why he does that - I don't know if he's noticed that not everyone in his class does speech.From: michmull@... <michmull@...>Subject: ( )

Telling your child...share your story"No Reply" <notify-dg- >Cc: Date: Thursday, January 20, 2011, 9:14 AM

I'm thinking of telling my 7-year-old son about his ASD sometime soon in a low-key, age-appropriate way. I'm sense that it's about the right time and that overall it will be of benefit to him to know. But....like every parent, I have those scary "what if" feelings. Like, "What if it makes him sad? Angry? What if giving him a 'label' damages him? changes him?"...you know, all those concerns. My husband is very nervous about it. I actually think it's most likely that it won't phase him much, he'll run off to play more Pokemon and just sort of gradually absorb the information.

I think it would help me to hear people's stories about when they told their child and describe the reactions whether positive, negative, mixed, neutral. If you have the time to tell your story, either on list or off, I'd be most grateful.

-Mich

[Guest guest]

was 7 when we told him. Actually, I didn't tell him so much as he guessed

it was something we were considering. He saw me reading about Asperger Syndrome

and said, " I DO NOT HAVE ASPERGER SYNDROME " . He had just been moved from one

really bad school to a school we all LOVED. Everyone there was helpful and

encouraging and the teachers knew what to do to help and to teach him. I

told , " Well, you don't have to agree with it, but the school needs to

believe that diagnosis otherwise you can't be in that classroom there. " He

started crying and I asked him what was wrong. He said, " I DON'T WANT TO LEAVE

MY SCHOOL! " I told him he wouldn't have to leave his school and that the school

already felt he had asperger syndrome but that he didn't have to if he didn't

want to. So I asked him, :Are you okay with asperger syndrome? " Then he said,

" Yes, as long as I don't have to leave my school. " LOL. Shortly after that he

started telling people, " I have asperger syndrome. " Sometimes he has tried to

use it as an excuse for bad behavior, but everyone works hard to help him

understand that it isn't okay. He is mostly past that now. He has told me a

few times, " I like my asperger syndrome. "

Miriam

>

> I'm thinking of telling my 7-year-old son about his ASD sometime soon in a

low-key, age-appropriate way. I'm sense that it's about the right time and that

overall it will be of benefit to him to know. But....like every parent, I have

those scary " what if " feelings. Like, " What if it makes him sad? Angry? What

if giving him a 'label' damages him? changes him? " ...you know, all those

concerns. My husband is very nervous about it. I actually think it's most

likely that it won't phase him much, he'll run off to play more Pokemon and just

sort of gradually absorb the information.

>

> I think it would help me to hear people's stories about when they told their

child and describe the reactions whether positive, negative, mixed, neutral. If

you have the time to tell your story, either on list or off, I'd be most

grateful.

>

> -Mich

>

[Guest guest]

n was diagnosed at 9. We didn't tell him right away, we had to let it sink in ourselves for a bit. But when he started saying things like, "Why am I like this?" and getting down on himself, I gave him the book "Can I tell you About Asperger's Syndrome?" (Written from a child's perspective.) He read it and he really didn't talk much about it afterward. I thought it didn't sink in. But several months later when he was fighting with his brother he said something like "I can't help it Trevor, I have Aspergers Syndrome, it makes me more emotional." So I guess he did remember what was in the book. He has referencecd it several times since, saying Aspergers is why he has a hard time making friends. He knows now that's part of what makes him different, but we tell him everyone has things that are hard for them and he

understands that.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Suzanne

suzmarkwood@...

From: michmull@... <michmull@...>Subject: ( ) Telling your child...share your story"No Reply" <notify-dg- >Cc: Date: Thursday, January 20, 2011, 7:14 AM

I'm thinking of telling my 7-year-old son about his ASD sometime soon in a low-key, age-appropriate way. I'm sense that it's about the right time and that overall it will be of benefit to him to know. But....like every parent, I have those scary "what if" feelings. Like, "What if it makes him sad? Angry? What if giving him a 'label' damages him? changes him?"...you know, all those concerns. My husband is very nervous about it. I actually think it's most likely that it won't phase him much, he'll run off to play more Pokemon and just sort of gradually absorb the information. I think it would help me to hear people's stories about when they told their child and describe the reactions whether positive, negative, mixed, neutral. If you have the time to tell your story, either on list or off, I'd be most grateful.-Mich

[Guest guest]



Dear Ms. Markwood

I hope his brother understands. It could be come a sore spot between the two of them.

T.

( ) Telling your child...share your story"No Reply" <notify-dg- >Cc: Date: Thursday, January 20, 2011, 7:14 AM

I'm thinking of telling my 7-year-old son about his ASD sometime soon in a low-key, age-appropriate way. I'm sense that it's about the right time and that overall it will be of benefit to him to know. But....like every parent, I have those scary "what if" feelings. Like, "What if it makes him sad? Angry? What if giving him a 'label' damages him? changes him?"...you know, all those concerns. My husband is very nervous about it. I actually think it's most likely that it won't phase him much, he'll run off to play more Pokemon and just sort of gradually absorb the information. I think it would help me to hear people's stories about when they told their child and describe the reactions whether positive, negative, mixed, neutral. If you have the time to tell your story, either on list or off, I'd be most grateful.-Mich

[Guest guest]

We told my daughter when she was about 10 1/2 - 11, because that is when we got

the formal diagnosis. Her issues were subtle enough before then that the Aspie

traits didn't really become apparent until she started getting older.

In any event, we approached it in a very matter of fact way. We talked about how

everyone is good at some things, and not as good at other things -- people's

brains work differently. Some people draw well; others are great at math but

can't draw, etc. We pointed out things she was especially good at, and things

she has more trouble with. And how people have different social traits, too -

some kids are quiet, some are extroverted; some have a lot of physical energy,

some are more still.

We then said that when people have a certain cluster of abilities and

difficulties, there's a name for how their brains are wired. And we described

Aspergers as the name for a certain type of brain wiring -- the type she has.

We told her what our psychiatrist told us: that people with Aspergers are very

different. It's sort of like chicken pox or measles -- some people get a lot of

spots, some hardly any. So some people have some Aspergers brain wiring, some

have more than others.

And we gave her a great children's book called All Cats have Aspergers, which

compares Aspergers to cat behavior (preference for solitariness, introversion,

independence, etc) and talks about how cats have one set of behaviors, dogs

another, and it's okay for cats to be different than dogs. As our daughter

LOVES cats, this was a really helpful analogy.

We talked about having Asperger's, and its differences from how others' brains

might be, we talked about how lots of smart and successful people had or have

Aspergers. It's not better, not worse, just different -- but not always

understood and people who don't have Aspergers don't always recognize it or

understand it. We said it's like she's a cat in a mostly-dog world.

When we identified this and told her that her brain wiring is called Aspergers,

she said " Why didn't you figure this out sooner?! " She KNEW she was different

and was hugely relieved when we addressed it directly.

We talked with her about how it's nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about,

and it's up to her if she wants to tell people. We explained that we needed her

teachers to know because it would help them understand how she thinks, why she

does things, what she needs, etc. Over the years (she is now 15) she's become

very comfortable about sharing her Aspergers with others.

[Guest guest]

I know, I try to keep things "fair" between them but it is a difficult balance. I would say his younger brother is pretty understanding at this point. All siblings fight sometimes, right?SuzanneSent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®From: " Thornton" <jthorn19@...>Sender: Date: Thu, 20 Jan 2011 18:36:42 -0500< >Reply Subject: Re: ( ) Telling your child...share your story Dear Ms. Markwood I hope his brother understands. It could be come a sore spot between the two of them. T. ( ) Telling your child...share your story"No Reply" <notify-dg- >Cc: Date: Thursday, January 20, 2011, 7:14 AM I'm thinking of telling my 7-year-old son about his ASD sometime soon in a low-key, age-appropriate way. I'm sense that it's about the right time and that overall it will be of benefit to him to know. But....like every parent, I have those scary "what if" feelings. Like, "What if it makes him sad? Angry? What if giving him a 'label' damages him? changes him?"...you know, all those concerns. My husband is very nervous about it. I actually think it's most likely that it won't phase him much, he'll run off to play more Pokemon and just sort of gradually absorb the information. I think it would help me to hear people's stories about when they told their child and describe the reactions whether positive, negative, mixed, neutral. If you have the time to tell your story, either on list or off, I'd be most grateful.-Mich

[Guest guest]

We told our son when he was 8 (he's nearly 10 now) and I will admit that is was

nerve-wracking. We wanted to do it in just the right way so that he didn't feel

like he'd been sentenced to something or think he was defective but mostly we

didn't want him to fall back on it and decide that he was incapable. We wanted

him to feel okay with the fact that he was different and things were harder for

him, but we also wanted him to keep striving to keep up and fit in the best he

could. We wanted him to know that we support him and love him just the way he

is and would try to make things easier for him, but still expect a lot out of

him.

We bought the book " Can I Tell You About Asperger Syndrome? " by Jude Welton,

read it, and had it on hand when the right moment came up. It was casual and we

just sort of explained it to him and then read him the book. It's about a 10

minute read and easy to understand. Afterwards, he really didn't react much at

all. If anything, he was smiling and felt relieved that we understood him a

bit. We also read the book to his little sister (7 years old at the time) with

him and he was proud to point out the things that applied to him and the things

that didn't. We then lent it out to both of this grandparents and all of his

aunts and uncles. There are tons of books out there on the subject of

Aspberger's, but the beauty of this one is the fact that it's short and simple

and can sum it up pretty well for someone really has no idea.

Good luck telling your son. It honestly might not faze him at all and you've

worried yourself for nothing!

[Guest guest]

I just told our dd, age 7, that she has Asperger Syndrome in the past month. I

borrowed a book from the library for kids about Asperger Syndrome. I think it

was called " Understanding Sam and Asperger Syndrome. " After it was read to our

kids a couple of times, she asked " We don't know anyone who has Asperger

Syndrome,do we? " I chickened out and didn't say anything, as with the action of

the children around, she didn't dwell on it. The next time she brought it up,

she asked more directly, " I don't have Asperger Syndrome, do I? " I said that I

thought she did. I explained what it meant, in a fairly positive light. I

spoke of her strengths and also that some things that are harder for her are

also hard for others with Asperger Syndrome. She asked how we could know for

sure. I told her of the doctor who diagnosed her 3 years ago, and others (her

OT etc.) When I asked how she felt about it, she said " I'm glad there are other

people like me. "

This all went smoother than I had thought. I'm glad to have it out in the open

now, so we can talk about it as needed.

She doesn't speak of it often, but she did try to use it once recently to get

her own way when arguing with her brother. Of course I didn't let be the

determining factor in solving the problem.

I think it will mean more to her as she gets older.

[Guest guest]

Ya know,,,,,,I was about to reply to the post. But,,,I don't need to, because you said all I would have said.!!!

When we explained it to our son, at 7, after we found out, we also made it "matter of fact". He said, "I know when I got it. I don't think I've always had it. But,,,,that's okay".

Now,,,,,,he is 14 and we've asked him if he remembers saying that he knew when he "got" it........but he can't remember. Sigh.

It's never been a big deal.

Now.....when the OCD set in really bad for about 2 months before we found a med to help, he DID wish that was gone. But, he's always embraced the AS. Probably because it's what he's always known. It's familiar......it's him.

Robin

"Normal is just

a cycle

on a washing machine....."

From: dphock <dphock@...>Subject: ( ) Re: Telling your child...share your story Date: Thursday, January 20, 2011, 7:00 PM

We told my daughter when she was about 10 1/2 - 11, because that is when we got the formal diagnosis. Her issues were subtle enough before then that the Aspie traits didn't really become apparent until she started getting older.In any event, we approached it in a very matter of fact way. We talked about how everyone is good at some things, and not as good at other things -- people's brains work differently. Some people draw well; others are great at math but can't draw, etc. We pointed out things she was especially good at, and things she has more trouble with. And how people have different social traits, too - some kids are quiet, some are extroverted; some have a lot of physical energy, some are more still.We then said that when people have a certain cluster of abilities and difficulties, there's a name for how their brains are wired. And we described Aspergers as the name for a certain type of brain wiring -- the type she has. We

told her what our psychiatrist told us: that people with Aspergers are very different. It's sort of like chicken pox or measles -- some people get a lot of spots, some hardly any. So some people have some Aspergers brain wiring, some have more than others.And we gave her a great children's book called All Cats have Aspergers, which compares Aspergers to cat behavior (preference for solitariness, introversion, independence, etc) and talks about how cats have one set of behaviors, dogs another, and it's okay for cats to be different than dogs. As our daughter LOVES cats, this was a really helpful analogy.We talked about having Asperger's, and its differences from how others' brains might be, we talked about how lots of smart and successful people had or have Aspergers. It's not better, not worse, just different -- but not always understood and people who don't have Aspergers don't always recognize it or understand it. We said it's like

she's a cat in a mostly-dog world.When we identified this and told her that her brain wiring is called Aspergers, she said "Why didn't you figure this out sooner?!" She KNEW she was different and was hugely relieved when we addressed it directly.We talked with her about how it's nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about, and it's up to her if she wants to tell people. We explained that we needed her teachers to know because it would help them understand how she thinks, why she does things, what she needs, etc. Over the years (she is now 15) she's become very comfortable about sharing her Aspergers with others.