Advice/help -- Balance... please :)

[Guest guest]

My husband and I are struggling.

We have been for a very long time. I want to say that it

started not long after our 2nd child was born, and we began to have

some MAJOR issues with our eldest (Aspie). I honestly think that we, as a

couple, got SO wrapped up in trying to help him, trying to help our youngest,

trying to focus on supports for our child, worrying about the behavioral

concerns that have come up with our youngest (no doubt as a result of trying to

compensate for his brother), and then financial stress (because we wanted to be

able to afford therapy, specialists, etc)…. That we’ve completely

thrown all balance in our lives out the window.

We lost our focus on each other. We lost our focus on ourselves.

Our marriage is falling apart, and both of us are feeling like nothing the other

does “isn’t good enough”… we don’t see eye to eye

on a lot of parenting issues, and I’ve discovered that my husband would

rather smile, nod, and TELL me that he agrees with me on things, then tell me

he doesn’t agree, and then we find a way to compromise and move forward.

I now have a husband who says he “stopped listening to me

years ago”. That “he has gotten to a place of not caring”. That

“all I ever do is focus on the negative, and why we CAN’T do things

instead of why we CAN”. I, of course, see that as completely skewed.

However, this is how he feels.

I feel like I’m not worth the effort to him. That when I’ve

had a LONG and exhausting day with the boys (and we all know how that goes), I

just want HIM. I want him to come home and put his arms around me and just be there.

I don’t want presents, I don’t need flowers… I don’t

care about that stuff (and never have). I just want HIM. HE is like my

recharger… lol. When I’m run dry, he, can just be there with me,

and recharge my emotional levels. It’s quite incredible. He isn’t

the only thing I have in my life… but here’s where it gets

complicated. I have never tried to place the pressure on him to “FILL ME

UP”… because I know he can’t. And I have MANY things in my

life… but (uh oh, here’s where hubby says I get negative), I have

ALWAYS felt like there are things that stand in the way of me doing those

things.

1) I *love* photography. I went back to school last year

and took a few more classes, and then remembered why I hate school when it

comes to creative stuff (LOL) and would LOVE to start up my own photography

business. However, as the mother of a child with special needs, taking time

away from him to pursue that seems like something that I can’t do…

at least not right now. He’s almost 9 years old, we’re still

fighting for supports, arguing about diagnosis with doctors, etc… and I

still feel like we’re trying to get on the right track with him “GETTING

BETTER”. He *was* on medication (Concerta) but we took him off of

it, because the anxiety was THROUGH THE ROOF. Our next meeting with a

specialist isn’t until January… and between now and then, we’re

in limbo. I feel like his WHOLE life I’ve been fighting for the right

kinds of supports. This has 99.9% of the time fallen on MY shoulders. Not

because my husband doesn’t care, but because he’s always been the

one off at work. Here, he works from home… so he’s thrust into a

lot more, whether he’s ready for it or not Being that he’s

young, and now our youngest is exhibiting some difficulties of his own (and I really

don’t know how much of it is him learning behavior from his brother, how

much of it is reactionary from HAVING a brother with autism, how much of it is

his OWN struggles, etc…) but he IS struggling. And I need to be

available, at a moments notice, to drive down to the school, argue with the

(stupid) principal, etc. Devoting HOURS of my time on a business doesn’t

seem feasible to me right now.

2) I *LOVE* scrapbooking. Before we moved, I had a group

of people I used to do that with. I have tried to find people here that

scrapbook, but haven’t had much luck yet. We’ve not been here a

year yet, and this has been a HUGE transition for me (ahh do we hear some

aspie-isms? Lol). We moved from a big city (and therefore access to more

things), to a VERY small town (800 people). We’re also about 1.5hrs away

from a “major” city, and have moved into a SIGNIFICANTLY smaller

house than we were in before… which means all my scrapbooking stuff has

no home. Most of it is in Rubbermaid containers out in a shed in our backyard.

I don’t have a place to do it… and won’t have a place to do

it anytime soon. We have plans to fix up/expand the house, but it’s

EXPENSIVE, and we are BROKE This was a HUGE lifestyle change, moving out

here… my husband went from working full time (Stressed out, I might add),

making $90,000/yr, to starting his own business, and not having “guaranteed

income”. We’re struggling. A lot. And I’m finding it very

hard. I also left my family behind… and all of my friends. Whereas my

husband has come HOME (all his family is here).

3) I used to rock or wall climb all the time. The nearest wall

climbing gym is 1.5hrs away (too far to jet over on an evening), and you can’t

rock climb alone, and I have yet to find anyone who does that here. To me, that’s

a huge obstacle lol. To my husband, I’m negative.

Ok anyway… so there’s our issue. We have no balance.

We’ve stopped focusing on our marriage, and both of us feel like the

other stopped loving us years ago. Yet both of us say we love the other. Just

doesn’t feel like it from the other side. We have LOTS of things that are

stressful in our lives. We don’t have family support with the kids. We have

NEVER had babysitters. We never went on a honeymoon. We don’t go on

dates.

Anyway… help. I know, this isn’t exactly aspie

specific (maybe it is… I’ve always suspected Aspergers in myself,

so maybe you will see something I’m missing)… but if nothing else,

I think some of the challenges we face are issues that lots of families with

children with Asperger’s Syndrome or HFA face. And maybe, JUST maybe

someone will have a glint of hope for me.

Jeff, you mentioned in one of your posts about the importance of

acknowledgement of feelings in those with Aspergers. This is a HUGE one for me…

as I’ve never felt like my husband has been able to acknowledge my

feelings. Lots of times, I have to talk about how I’m feeling, irrational

or not, as a way to talk it out in my OWN head. My husband and I always end up

at the same destination, we just take different ways of getting there. And he

finds my way “too negative”. Sigh.

Thanks in advance, everyone.

=)

Heartbroken, exhausted and empty