Re: At My Wits End...

[Guest guest]

Karla I have tried so many different counselors over the years.

The AS experts I saw mostly proposed Behavior Therapies.

And they propose heavy use of positive reinforcement.

Even at the special private schools I visited, postive reinforcement and chart

systems were in place even for middle school kids.

You get him to agree to a target behavior, and a list of

rewards he can earn. Structure his day so it is predictable that

you are observing and reinforcing.

You shape behaviors one - three at a time, with tons of positive

reinforcement and minimal consequences.

(Parent Management Training, by Kadzin is an evidence based

therapy for behavior mod in special needs kids. Yale

Conduct Center does parent training in CT and on the phone.

I am in the midst of their training program.)

It is exhausting. I know.

Perhaps a therapist can help you hold him accountable.

I know my daughter is embarassed to tell a therapist

that she bites me and has stopped some of this.

But my daughter simply refused to see the therapist again

so this strategy of shaming didn't work too long for us.

If you can get him to stop the behavior (because he gets a reward) then you can

perhaps have a therapist or yourself explain why people don't like to be teased,

intruded on etc.

I think the Michele Winner curriculum for Social Thinking is helpful

to help an AS kid understand social perspectives.

I didn't see " insight " changing my AS daughters behaviors though. Not at this

point. But it is important she expand her social

knowledge even if it doesn't change her behavior at this point.

I am using Parent Management Training (PMT) as a way to keep my sanity. It does

have a parent calming expect because you don't

get angry or severe in punishments.

Good luck,

Pam

>

> I ma struggling with a situation here and could use ANY advice at all!! I

have 4 kids a girl 15, my aspie son who is 13, a 12 yo daughter and a 10yo

daughter. Now I know sibling rivalry is normal but my house has become constant

chaos. My son likes to pick at people, I believe he thinks he is helping. He

will tell his 12 yo sister (whom is the main taget it seems) things like why are

you wearing that? Have you showered? Your hair looks weird like that. You need

to get out more. Just constantly picking at her. Then he frequently likes to

toot his own horn if you know what I mean. Don't get me wrong I praise my kids

constantly but he takes the extra step like to tell us how funny he is, how

strong, etc, he also butts in everytime my hubby and I or anyone for that matter

are talking, and just will hear a word and stat asking us about our

conversation, sometimes its private!! he seems to have no boundaries and as much

as we go over this it doesnt sink in!! My kids fight ALL the time over this. I

tell my girls give him a break and go over with them some of the things aspies

do, but it is to the point that we wonder is it all AS? or is he just obnoxious?

I feel guilty punishing him because what if he truely cannot help it?? I fear

for him in the real world!!! His boundaries with hubby and I are awful he doenst

seem to get that there are certain things that are appropriate for us to say but

not him...he gets upset abt that. I feel awful because sometimes I can tell he

feels like we are all against him. its sad. we live in a rural small town, the

closest big city is well over 100 miles away and there is 1 therapist in town,

not with any significant AS experience...what do i do?? anyone else have these

issues? what do you tell your other kids?? help me!!!!!!!

>

> karla

>

[Guest guest]

Oh, sweetie I feel for you. There ourselves with our 13 yo aspie. From what I understand, he sees himself on the same level as the adults (us) and so butts in, enters our private conversations, does not respond well at all to authority, etc, etc, etc. The book Freaks, Geeks and AS has been helpful as it is written by a 13 yo aspie boy. It seemed to help our somewhat. This is a very difficult age anyway!Marilyn in MOFrom: kbuckland2008 <kbuckland2008@...>Subject: ( ) At My Wits End... Date: Monday, July 13, 2009, 12:06 PM

I ma struggling with a situation here and could use ANY advice at all!! I have 4 kids a girl 15, my aspie son who is 13, a 12 yo daughter and a 10yo daughter. Now I know sibling rivalry is normal but my house has become constant chaos. My son likes to pick at people, I believe he thinks he is helping. He will tell his 12 yo sister (whom is the main taget it seems) things like why are you wearing that? Have you showered? Your hair looks weird like that. You need to get out more. Just constantly picking at her. Then he frequently likes to toot his own horn if you know what I mean. Don't get me wrong I praise my kids constantly but he takes the extra step like to tell us how funny he is, how strong, etc, he also butts in everytime my hubby and I or anyone for that matter are talking, and just will hear a word and stat asking us about our conversation, sometimes its private!! he seems to have no boundaries and as much as we go over this it doesnt

sink in!! My kids fight ALL the time over this. I tell my girls give him a break and go over with them some of the things aspies do, but it is to the point that we wonder is it all AS? or is he just obnoxious? I feel guilty punishing him because what if he truely cannot help it?? I fear for him in the real world!!! His boundaries with hubby and I are awful he doenst seem to get that there are certain things that are appropriate for us to say but not him...he gets upset abt that. I feel awful because sometimes I can tell he feels like we are all against him. its sad. we live in a rural small town, the closest big city is well over 100 miles away and there is 1 therapist in town, not with any significant AS experience.. .what do i do?? anyone else have these issues? what do you tell your other kids?? help me!!!!!!!

karla

[Guest guest]

my son is 11 and yes he does those types of things as well and his 13 yr old sister doesnt understand and gets infuriated with him at times, i try also to get him to stop and i havent got a clue as discipline seems to not even matter to him and seems to never be enough in the eyes of my daughter and my boyfriend. I dont know so if you figure out pass it this way too pleasee i do have others working to help me with this sherryFrom: kbuckland2008

<kbuckland2008@...> Sent: Monday, July 13, 2009 1:06:04 PMSubject: ( ) At My Wits End...

I ma struggling with a situation here and could use ANY advice at all!! I have 4 kids a girl 15, my aspie son who is 13, a 12 yo daughter and a 10yo daughter. Now I know sibling rivalry is normal but my house has become constant chaos. My son likes to pick at people, I believe he thinks he is helping. He will tell his 12 yo sister (whom is the main taget it seems) things like why are you wearing that? Have you showered? Your hair looks weird like that. You need to get out more. Just constantly picking at her. Then he frequently likes to toot his own horn if you know what I mean. Don't get me wrong I praise my kids constantly but he takes the extra step like to tell us how funny he is, how strong, etc, he also butts in everytime my hubby and I or anyone for that matter are talking, and just will hear a word and stat asking us about our conversation, sometimes its private!! he seems to have no boundaries and as much as we go over this it doesnt

sink in!! My kids fight ALL the time over this. I tell my girls give him a break and go over with them some of the things aspies do, but it is to the point that we wonder is it all AS? or is he just obnoxious? I feel guilty punishing him because what if he truely cannot help it?? I fear for him in the real world!!! His boundaries with hubby and I are awful he doenst seem to get that there are certain things that are appropriate for us to say but not him...he gets upset abt that. I feel awful because sometimes I can tell he feels like we are all against him. its sad. we live in a rural small town, the closest big city is well over 100 miles away and there is 1 therapist in town, not with any significant AS experience.. .what do i do?? anyone else have these issues? what do you tell your other kids?? help me!!!!!!!

karla

[Guest guest]

Ah, ha, ha, ha..... are you living in my house??!! My 13 year old Aspie is exactly the same, to a tee..... There are only two kids here, so a bit less chaos. The good thing, however, is that at 13 he is getting closer to being an adult, so since he thinks he is one of the adults, at least soon he WILL be one of them, and it will seem more appropriate.... As he gets older, I must say, he is a bit better. But, it is still just as hard as ever. He IS better, but the other 13 year olds are SO MUCH better that it is still a huge gap in development.

Ah yes..... just survive one more day...

( ) At My Wits End... Date: Monday, July 13, 2009, 12:06 PM

I ma struggling with a situation here and could use ANY advice at all!! I have 4 kids a girl 15, my aspie son who is 13, a 12 yo daughter and a 10yo daughter. Now I know sibling rivalry is normal but my house has become constant chaos. My son likes to pick at people, I believe he thinks he is helping. He will tell his 12 yo sister (whom is the main taget it seems) things like why are you wearing that? Have you showered? Your hair looks weird like that. You need to get out more. Just constantly picking at her. Then he frequently likes to toot his own horn if you know what I mean. Don't get me wrong I praise my kids constantly but he takes the extra step like to tell us how funny he is, how strong, etc, he also butts in everytime my hubby and I or anyone for that matter are talking, and just will hear a word and stat asking us about our conversation, sometimes its private!! he seems to have no boundaries and as much as we go over this it doesnt sink in!! My kids fight ALL the time over this. I tell my girls give him a break and go over with them some of the things aspies do, but it is to the point that we wonder is it all AS? or is he just obnoxious? I feel guilty punishing him because what if he truely cannot help it?? I fear for him in the real world!!! His boundaries with hubby and I are awful he doenst seem to get that there are certain things that are appropriate for us to say but not him...he gets upset abt that. I feel awful because sometimes I can tell he feels like we are all against him. its sad. we live in a rural small town, the closest big city is well over 100 miles away and there is 1 therapist in town, not with any significant AS experience.. .what do i do?? anyone else have these issues? what do you tell your other kids?? help me!!!!!!!karla

[Guest guest]

>

> ... I feel awful because sometimes I can tell he feels like we are all against

him. its sad. we live in a rural small town, the closest big city is well over

100 miles away and there is 1 therapist in town, not with any significant AS

experience...what do i do?? anyone else have these issues? what do you tell your

other kids?? help me!!!!!!!

Even if you lived in the city/suburbs, you might be in the same boat because

hardly any of the specialists take insurance. The special schools are beyond

the means of most people. I know it is summer, but are you getting any help in

social skills from school? I think the more different places and people they

hear it from, the better.

I only have 2 kids, but I run into the same thing. My son with Asperger is 14

with a twin brother. For us, this has been another one of those pick your

battle things. We see results when we pick 1-3 types of behaviors and focus on

applying appropriate consequences to both kids consistently. Sometimes it is

years with the Asperger child before we see much in the way of results. I think

that is just the way it goes sometimes. Considering how long it takes, I'm glad

we have always worked on it, as it won't be something we'll be able to do in a

rush when he's about to turn 18.

I don't know if you need to worry that much about exactly what you tell the

kids. They'll each come to their own understanding of the problem. What is

important is getting consistent consequences applied, not necessarily the same

for each child. They need something to form their behavior. I just tell them

they are different kids, so we may do different things. It is easy for them to

understand that it is silly to punish the Asperger child by grounding him

whereas that is a very effective punishment for the NT child (not that I would

put it quite that way when talking to the kids). And we use the " first, then "

method with the Asperger child, but the normal " if, then " with the other child.

I do collaborative learning with the Asperger child, whereas with my other son,

I do things the normal way, sending him off to do chores on his own. I don't

talk to the kids about the latter couple of things, it is something I simply do

because it is necessary.