When to PUSH and when to Back off...

[Guest guest]

Hey all

I’m in need of some of your excellent guidance again…

My husband and I are at COMPLETE odds over our Aspie son. He’s

9yrs old, and in grade 4. My husband seems to think I let him manipulate me,

and I see it different (obviously LOL). I think my husband pushes him too much,

and in areas where he’s not ABLE… instead of not WILLING (As my husband views

it). The thing is… our aspie comes to me all the time. He won’t go NEAR my

husband, he won’t let him say a word, he doesn’t respect him, trust him, go to

him for comfort, nothing… because when it comes to most things, my husband

shrugs it off and tells him he shouldn’t be affected by that, or shouldn’t be

upset by that, or shouldn’t let his “brain do thatâ€.

Can anyone, in a generalistic way… share with me your

experiences with knowing when is a good time to “push them†beyond their

boundaries in a learning type of way, and when to respect their limitations,

and back off, because pushing is going to do nothing but force a meltdown?

Where is the line between them “knowing what to do to get out of doing things

they find uncomfortableâ€, and being unable to cope, and only reacting because

of their disability, and us having to give them what they need at that

particular moment?

EXAMPLE… Christmas, as we all know, is an overwhelming time of

year as it is. On the last day of school for the kids (and the inevitable build

up of stress during the previous couple of weeks for our boy), we went to my

husband’s cousins new house for a quick visit. It was agreed it would be a

quick visit. We got there, and actually went off to play with their

children for a bit, but quickly came back upset because they were playing rough

(and he’s SO Not into that). SO I set him up in the living room to watch

Christmas shows, and the cousin got him some gingerale and a cookie, and life

was good. He was content this way for about 30mins, and then completely lost

it. It was obvious that he’d hit his breaking point. He melted into a pile of

goo on the floor, sobbing that heart aching sob, not the “fakey†cry, which I

know the difference of… and screaming, kicking, etc… saying “I WANT TO GO BUY

MILK AND GO HOME!†(he knew we were out) So… I got up from the table where we’d

been visiting, and went over to comfort him and let him know we’d wrap things

up and be on our way (we’d been there over an hour already anyway, and it was

getting late). As I was walking over to him, my husband said to the table of

people “See, ’s figured out that if he thrashes on the floor, he can get

what he wants.†Needless to say, I was upset. I spun around and said “That is

NOT how this works.â€

I then gathered up , and our other son, got their boots

and coats on, thanked my husband’s cousin, and told her to tell DH we’d be

waiting in the truck.

Then comes the next issue… we live in a rural area, and there

are no streetlights. It is PITCH BLACK here at night. Like… can’t see 2 feet in

front of you dark. *I* find it creepy, and I’m an adult without sensory

issues Anyway… it petrifies , even when we’re in the truck with the

lights on, and he has a flashlight in his hand (Which he did). Hubby left us

waiting in the truck for 10mins before coming out to take us to buy milk and go

home – and he thinks that I  “let manipulate meâ€â€¦ and doesn’t quite see

why I was so upset for the comment he made to his cousins.

Did I not push enough? Did he manipulate me in that moment?

Guidance please… thanks all

=)