feeling guilt/depressed

[Guest guest]

My son is 11yrs. old now...he has never had any "real friends"...just has one "friend" who is 3yrs younger, lives a few doors down our street. I have to monitor the play-dates very closely - I use walkey-talkies so that I know exactly what/where my son is/doing. Just last fall he had 2x decided to run home from this playmate, while calling me on his talkie, crying, yelling that he needed to kill himself and it was all his fault! He came home & had a full tantrum, destroyed the house, looking for something to hurt himself...he knew it was his own fault because during his playdate with the peer, things got out of control and my son kicked his "friend" hard in the groin, prompting the friends mother to send my son home. I am still friends with the boy's mom, and through talking with her, I have managed to explain my son's emotional shortcomings

(Asperger).

My son still has his "friend". But I know he will not have more than this. He can only manage 1 at a time. My son was different all of his life. The school has never quite been able to get it. He was constantly suspended from Kindergarden! Went to shortened days, I meanwhile was trying to keep my career! What a nightmare. Childcare providers kept kicking him out! I finally was forced to quit my job....and anyway....after years of tests, various psyc "professionals" telling me to "learn how to be a better parent" I have decided that I must keep advocating for my son, no one else will. I have grieved, and I still cry & grieve that my son is different, now. But he is so very smart & talented (in math & reading) he is at least 2yrs maybe 3yrs ahead of his class (currently 5th grade). He just cannot do things that are "liquid" like social/communication, and he is extremely awkward in sports.