Always Blaming Someone/Something Else

[Guest guest]

This describes my DD to a T. She sincerely believes everything that is done is everyone else's fault, even the objects. She has screamed at and hit inanimate objects because "They hurt me! They're mean!" Yesterday she was spitting at the shower head because it was on a setting she didn't like.

Kylie has never lied in her life (we actually have some funny stories about that), so I know this is something she really believes. It is heartbreaking and embarrassing when it happens with other children at school or at the playground. If it is at school, she keeps it together, but holds the grudge until she gets home. If it's around me or her dad, it's fair game for a huge blow-up.

I found an excerpt from Dr. Tony Attwood's book, The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome, that I found describes this behavior. (Http://www.jkp.com/catalogue/book/9781843104957/extract/) In this particular section he's discussing "Compensatory and Adjustment Strategies to Being Different." The subsection is "Denial and Arrogance." Among other things, he says, "An alternative to internalizing negative thoughts and feelings is to externalize the cause and solution to feeling different. The child can develop a form of over-compensation for feeling defective in social situations by denying that there is any problem, and by developing a sense of arrogance such that the 'fault' or problem is in other people and that the child is 'above the rules' that he or she finds so difficult to understand. The child or adult goes into what I describe as 'God mode', an omnipotent person who never makes a mistake, cannot be wrong and whose intelligence must be worshipped. Such children can deny that they have any difficulties making friends, or reading social situations or someone's thoughts and intentions. They consider they do not need any programs or to be treated differently from other children. They vehemently do not want to be referred to a psychologist or psychiatrist, and are convinced that they are not mad or stupid."

As hard as it was to read that, it helped me understand Kylie better. Now I'm trying to figure out how to help her understand this kind of thinking is not going to be helpful as she gets older.

~Cheryl S.

[Guest guest]

Yes, it sounds very familiar. I feel like I have said so many times, " I know you didn't mean to hurt him, but you hit him and hitting hurts." and hearing "but he made me!" No, he didn't make you, you made yourself do it because you were mad. You control your hands and feet and what they do, and you can make them do something different the next time you are mad.

It's good to hear it lessens as they get older, but I am still waiting for that, and looking for the "magic" words to help him take responsibility for his actions.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Suzanne

suzmarkwood@...

From: O'Brien <nicole.obrien@...>Subject: RE: ( ) Always Blaming Someone/Something Else Date: Wednesday, March 31, 2010, 3:54 AM

Yes. We definitely have had our share of experiences with this. Sometimes we still do. is 9yrs old and in grade 4. Yesterday, for example, he came home and had a note on his daysheet saying that he was saying “bad words†at lunch time. So I asked him about it. He said that another child had put them in his head, that he was saying them. So I asked if that meant it was the other childs fault, and he said yes. He truly believed that to be true. THIS is a big Aspie problem, and a direct link to their issues with “theory of mindâ€. I know for my son, he often lacks the understanding that if someone else is doing something, then that doesn’t mean HE TOO should be doing it. And vice versa. And remember… it’s not that they don’t learn from their mistakes. It’s that they lack the ability to relate one situation to another, and therefore need to be “retaught†each time

something like that occurs.

Honestly, with new levels of awareness on my son’s Asperger’s at school, and his older age, I’ve been explaining to him that he struggles to understand that because of his Asperger’s. But that’s not how things are done… and then I go on to explain how they are dealt with. Breaking it down into SIMPLE explanations seems to really help. Yesterday, I asked if it was the other child who moved his (my son’s) lips and made his voice come out. He said no. I told him that since it was HIM who made those moves, it was HIM who needed to own responsibility for what came out of his mouth. This seemed to make sense. I don’t expect it to stick for next time, but he did understand during THAT situation.

I’m not sure if this is of help to you… but perhaps maybe explaining the struggle to him, and remembering his direct issues with “Theory of Mindâ€, it might help both of you to come to a place of understanding with things

It is infuriating, and I completely empathize with your feeling frustrated on this one! If it helps, we’ve seen a decrease in this since he’s gotten older. I hope the same holds true for your boy

=)

From: [mailto:AspergersSu pport@group s.com] On Behalf Of gin2504Sent: Wednesday, March 31, 2010 12:32 AM Subject: ( ) Always Blaming Someone/Something Else

My son is 8 years old and in 2nd grade. Our biggest issue right now is getting him to acknowledge what he is doing wrong and taking responsibility for it. For example..... in the cafeteria yesterday, his "foot was just sitting there, and a 3rd grader tripped over it". He swears it was an accident. It is the same story with everything at school (and at home for that matter). He constantly says so and so got him in trouble....he is never doing anything wrong. I try to explain to him that he is responsible for his actions, but this doesn't seem to phase him. In fact, he will even blame objects. If he hits his foot getting out of the shower, he will blame (and yell at) the shower door. I am continually telling him he can not blame objects and that you cannot go around yelling at objects!! It is driving me crazy! He ended up in the principles office yesterday and can't seem to understand what he did wrong and is upset that none of the teachers ever

believe him. He usually can not lie about anything, so I can't figure out if he is just telling lies or if he truly believes these things. Just wondering if anyone else has these issues.....

[Guest guest]

Oh yes! nothing is ever Liz's fault, in her mind. She blames me, her dad, her sister, her teacher, school rules, whatever it takes. I think she really believes that is the case, because she, too, is a rotten liar From: gina9431@...Date: Wed, 31 Mar 2010 03:02:08 +0000Subject: ( ) Always Blaming Someone/Something Else

My son is 8 years old and in 2nd grade. Our biggest issue right now is getting him to acknowledge what he is doing wrong and taking responsibility for it. For example.....in the cafeteria yesterday, his "foot was just sitting there, and a 3rd grader tripped over it". He swears it was an accident. It is the same story with everything at school (and at home for that matter). He constantly says so and so got him in trouble....he is never doing anything wrong. I try to explain to him that he is responsible for his actions, but this doesn't seem to phase him. In fact, he will even blame objects. If he hits his foot getting out of the shower, he will blame (and yell at) the shower door. I am continually telling him he can not blame objects and that you cannot go around yelling at objects!! It is driving me crazy! He ended up in the principles office yesterday and can't seem to understand what he did wrong and is upset that none of the teachers ever believe him.

He usually can not lie about anything, so I can't figure out if he is just telling lies or if he truly believes these things. Just wondering if anyone else has these issues.....

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[Guest guest]

great article. Thanks for sharing, From: nicole.obrien@...Date: Wed, 31 Mar 2010 09:21:57 -0230Subject: RE: ( ) Always Blaming Someone/Something Else

One more thing… I found this article this morning, and thought

it was fitting to share

=)

Does my child know what’s right and what’s

wrong? It seems he does not really know the difference.

On the surface, the issue of right and

wrong appears to be a complicated one for Asperger’s children, but it is not.

Children with Asperger’s Syndrome have very firm ideas of right and wrong, and

they can become argumentative with adults and peers over issues of proper or

improper behavior. They are typically unable to consider shades of grey and

will perceive issues in black or white terms; however, they can discuss those

issues with an adult and come to an agreement when solutions are proposed to

them.

The good news is that Asperger’s children

are known for being able to follow clearly explained and set rules that are

consistent, and this trait can be used to help them learn right from wrong. As

these children mature, they will learn right from wrong in a rote manner at

first; but later they will develop a greater understanding of why something is

right or wrong. An important factor is that the rules, and the explanation for

the rules, should be explained in a manner that they understand, and the rules

should be consistently enforced.

In fact, their inclination to learn right

from wrong can be so profound, it might seem that Asperger’s children are

pre-programmed to detect right and wrong, and they might even bluntly announce

that a request or activity is right or wrong. Also, they will take notice of

others’ incorrect behavior, but not their own; this can be perceived as a

double standard. In addition, they may not be able to show empathy for others,

and this can lead to problems as they may do or say things that seem wrong

because they may not be able to understand or empathize with another person’s

feelings.

Children and adults who do not have a

diagnosis of Asperger’s Syndrome can relate to other people and engage

effectively in social interactions with others because they are able to

perceive things from another individual’s point of view. The ability to

comprehend someone else’s point of view is the result of correctly perceiving

speech patterns, body language, tone of voice, facial movements, and the

situation in which communication is taking place. Children with Asperger’s

Syndrome and other autistic disorders can lack the capacity to relate to and

understand others’ feelings or behavioral nuances, particularly on an emotional

level. Also, the child’s inability to interpret someone else’s actions, whether

deliberate or unintentional, can result in the child’s experiencing paranoia.

This can result in inappropriate behavior.

Children with Asperger’s Syndrome may not

exhibit traditionally moral feelings or behaviors because Asperger’s denies

them the ability to experience the capacity for emotion and introspection on

which society’s perceptions of morality are based. These children do not

experience the feelings associated with traditional right and wrong; yet, they

may possess a sense of ethics as well as a cognitive understanding of right and

wrong. Asperger’s Syndrome does not completely remove a child’s awareness of

correct and incorrect behavior; it does allow them to behave with a sense of

socially acceptable morality if they are helped to do so.

The New Busy is not the old busy. Search, chat and e-mail from your inbox. Get started.

[Guest guest]

I don’t have any advice on how to fix this, but I can

tell you my 55 yo aspie husband does the same thing. he blames people,

pets and non-living things. he has even blamed his body part—as if they

are not a part of him! His favorite thing to say is “I thought I made a

mistake once, but I was wrong”.

melody

[Guest guest]

Thank you so much for all the replies and articles. It is nice to know I am not

the only one experiencing this frustrating behavior. I've gotten a few great

suggestions I will try. As someone else said, I need to stop expecting him to

be able to relate from one situation to another. That can be so hard when you

have a child who is so stinkin smart!! Just before bed, he was repeating the

trivia questions from the radio from the whole week. Apparently they have a

trivia question at 8:10 every morning when he is on his way to school! So, we

are getting ready for bed and he asks me, " 30% of women say this is the number

one thing about being divorced, what is it? " , lol! I mean seriously, he can

memorize things word for word, but can't remember how to behave from day to day!

It is so hard to understand when your mind doesn't work that way!!! Sometimes I

think it would be easier if I too was an aspie!!

>

> My son is 8 years old and in 2nd grade. Our biggest issue right now is

getting him to acknowledge what he is doing wrong and taking responsibility for

it. For example.....in the cafeteria yesterday, his " foot was just sitting

there, and a 3rd grader tripped over it " . He swears it was an accident. It is

the same story with everything at school (and at home for that matter). He

constantly says so and so got him in trouble....he is never doing anything

wrong. I try to explain to him that he is responsible for his actions, but this

doesn't seem to phase him. In fact, he will even blame objects. If he hits his

foot getting out of the shower, he will blame (and yell at) the shower door. I

am continually telling him he can not blame objects and that you cannot go

around yelling at objects!! It is driving me crazy! He ended up in the

principles office yesterday and can't seem to understand what he did wrong and

is upset that none of the teachers ever believe him.

>

> He usually can not lie about anything, so I can't figure out if he is just

telling lies or if he truly believes these things. Just wondering if anyone

else has these issues.....

>

[Guest guest]

Oh what a great article, explains it all, our daughter exactly! she is now almost 13, has been receiving social worker services at school for 4 years, to learn and practice those skills exactly. Most importantly, I felt she should have assistance at school, where a lot of the issues happen. She has been seeing a private therapist who also identifies the emotional aspects and provides strategies. has matured a lot and actually learned to identify how some of her behaviors and actions affect others in her social group....

From: O'Brien <nicole.obrien@...> Sent: Wed, March 31, 2010 7:51:57 AMSubject: RE: ( ) Always Blaming Someone/Something Else

One more thing… I found this article this morning, and thought it was fitting to share

=)

Does my child know what’s right and what’s wrong? It seems he does not really know the difference.

On the surface, the issue of right and wrong appears to be a complicated one for Asperger’s children, but it is not. Children with Asperger’s Syndrome have very firm ideas of right and wrong, and they can become argumentative with adults and peers over issues of proper or improper behavior. They are typically unable to consider shades of grey and will perceive issues in black or white terms; however, they can discuss those issues with an adult and come to an agreement when solutions are proposed to them.

The good news is that Asperger’s children are known for being able to follow clearly explained and set rules that are consistent, and this trait can be used to help them learn right from wrong. As these children mature, they will learn right from wrong in a rote manner at first; but later they will develop a greater understanding of why something is right or wrong. An important factor is that the rules, and the explanation for the rules, should be explained in a manner that they understand, and the rules should be consistently enforced.

In fact, their inclination to learn right from wrong can be so profound, it might seem that Asperger’s children are pre-programmed to detect right and wrong, and they might even bluntly announce that a request or activity is right or wrong. Also, they will take notice of others’ incorrect behavior, but not their own; this can be perceived as a double standard. In addition, they may not be able to show empathy for others, and this can lead to problems as they may do or say things that seem wrong because they may not be able to understand or empathize with another person’s feelings.

Children and adults who do not have a diagnosis of Asperger’s Syndrome can relate to other people and engage effectively in social interactions with others because they are able to perceive things from another individual’s point of view. The ability to comprehend someone else’s point of view is the result of correctly perceiving speech patterns, body language, tone of voice, facial movements, and the situation in which communication is taking place. Children with Asperger’s Syndrome and other autistic disorders can lack the capacity to relate to and understand others’ feelings or behavioral nuances, particularly on an emotional level. Also, the child’s inability to interpret someone else’s actions, whether deliberate or unintentional, can result in the child’s experiencing paranoia. This can result in inappropriate behavior.

Children with Asperger’s Syndrome may not exhibit traditionally moral feelings or behaviors because Asperger’s denies them the ability to experience the capacity for emotion and introspection on which society’s perceptions of morality are based. These children do not experience the feelings associated with traditional right and wrong; yet, they may possess a sense of ethics as well as a cognitive understanding of right and wrong. Asperger’s Syndrome does not completely remove a child’s awareness of correct and incorrect behavior; it does allow them to behave with a sense of socially acceptable morality if they are helped to do so.