How do you know if behavior is caused by AS?

[Guest guest]

Kari wrote:

<<How do you know whether your AS child's behavior/actions are totally due to AS and probably won't change because they can't help it, or whether you should continue to address things even though your efforts don't seem to be producing any results? I don't want to 'nag' and I know parents need to 'choose their battles', especially if it's something that she/he can't help due to Asperger's. Is it that she can't remember things I've reminded her about many times, or she just doesn't want to do them, or what? And how would I know each time?>>

As someone who has AS himself, I am probably more sympathetic with my AS children when they behave in aggravating ways. But an important thing to remember is that AS is primarily a communication disorder, not a behavioral disorder. AS children are capable of appropriate behavior--it just doesn't come as naturally to them as it does to neurotypicals. And when they do misbehave, it's harder to get them to see it as inappropriate. So:

- We have to make sure they understand what is required of them

- If they don't do what was required of them, we need to hold them accountable for it

- If they show a bad attitude when doing what is required of them, we need to address that too>>This is something I struggle with. Is this particular instance just being a kid or is it Asperger's? Should I be concerned or will it pass? Is it misbehavior or can it not be helped (consistently, anyway)? Does anyone understand what I mean? Does anyone else struggle with this or have any ideas? I feel like I'm the only one who doesn't seem to know, despite all the books I've read about AS. I'll be so grateful for any feedback on this! Thanks! --Kari<<

A good book on child training would come in handy here. It would mention the need to:

- Make it clear what you expect

- Follow through consistently until the child realizes you really do mean business and takes responsibility for his own behavior

- Reward good behavior consistently and punish bad behavior consistently

- Don't lose your temper or tear down the child: simply address his behavior

These tips will work just as well on AS children, as they need to be trained just as badly as anyone else. The main thing to keep in mind with AS children is that they are going to have a harder time communicating about what is required, so you will have to put extra effort in on the communication end of things, no matter how exasperated you get with their seeming stubborness over the exact wording, etc. Just to give an example from my own childhood:

My mother told me to come straight home from school one day. Since the path to school meandered, this meant I had to cut across the swamp in order to go straight. I even had to wade the creek. In the end I almost despaired because a tree was in my way and I could not go through it. When I finally did reach home, my mom needed to not get upset at me for arriving a wet, muddy mess but to praise my efforts to obey her, then calmly explain why what I did didn't please her despite my best efforts. Then she needed to explain what she was thinking when she said 'come straight home' and how important it was that I arrive home quickly (by whatever means I found appropriate) and in condition to leave right away for town.

Or another one, from Ingalls, who I'm convinced had AS:

and had great fun sliding down the haystack until there wasn't much of a stack left. When Pa came home that night, he calmly told L & M that he'd had to go to a lot of work to restack the hay and under no circumstances were they to slide down it again. But the next day went over to gaze at the beautiful golden hay. She bent close to smell it. (who, I'm convinced, was neurotypical) told to stay away from that hay. "But," responded , Pa didn't tell us we couldn't smell the hay." Then she carefully climbed up the stack, which Pa had also not told her she couldn't do. Before long she was rolling down the stack, drawing otherwise well-behaved into her destructive logic that Pa hadn't forbidden that, either. When Pa came home that night, he was rather angry, and quite astounded when both girls looked at him solemnly and denied that they had slid down the haystack. When pointed out, though, that

they had rolled down it, Pa turned around and his shoulders shook for a while. When he turned back, he wasn't angry any more, but he explained that the hay was all that Pete and Bright had to eat that winter, and THE HAY MUST STAY STACKED, therefore she should stay off it entirely.

She did. But later, when the cowherd was sleeping and his cattle went on the rampage, wisely decided that Pa's need to have his oxen not starve outweighed his desire that she stay away from the haystack, and she and bravely went out to the haystack and fought off the cattle that were devouring Pete and Bright's food supply.

Once an AS child understands the reason for a rule and feels the freedom not to have to apply it rigidly, you will find his behaviour much less exasperating--as long as he's getting the consistent training that all children need, just some more than others. But this will take a lot of communication efforts on both sides until both parties are sure that they clearly understand each other. That's were the extra work of having an AS child come in.

Buck

[Guest guest]

Wow, . This was an excellent post! I like that you encourage people to still hold their AS children accountable for their behavior but look at intention and put it all together to make it a learning experience. I try to do this with my son and you can certainly tell the difference in how he responds to me when I do vs. when I don't. Thanks for the bulleted reminders! And I love Little House on the Prairie, by the way =)

"Over-optimism is waiting for you ship to come in when you haven't sent one out."

From: Buck <bucksburg@...> Sent: Thu, November 19, 2009 12:46:12 PMSubject: ( ) How do you know if behavior is caused by AS?

Kari wrote:

<<How do you know whether your AS child's behavior/actions are totally due to AS and probably won't change because they can't help it, or whether you should continue to address things even though your efforts don't seem to be producing any results? I don't want to 'nag' and I know parents need to 'choose their battles', especially if it's something that she/he can't help due to Asperger's. Is it that she can't remember things I've reminded her about many times, or she just doesn't want to do them, or what? And how would I know each time?>>

As someone who has AS himself, I am probably more sympathetic with my AS children when they behave in aggravating ways. But an important thing to remember is that AS is primarily a communication disorder, not a behavioral disorder. AS children are capable of appropriate behavior--it just doesn't come as naturally to them as it does to neurotypicals. And when they do misbehave, it's harder to get them to see it as inappropriate. So:

- We have to make sure they understand what is required of them

- If they don't do what was required of them, we need to hold them accountable for it

- If they show a bad attitude when doing what is required of them, we need to address that too>>This is something I struggle with. Is this particular instance just being a kid or is it Asperger's? Should I be concerned or will it pass? Is it misbehavior or can it not be helped (consistently, anyway)? Does anyone understand what I mean? Does anyone else struggle with this or have any ideas? I feel like I'm the only one who doesn't seem to know, despite all the books I've read about AS. I'll be so grateful for any feedback on this! Thanks! --Kari<<

A good book on child training would come in handy here. It would mention the need to:

- Make it clear what you expect

- Follow through consistently until the child realizes you really do mean business and takes responsibility for his own behavior

- Reward good behavior consistently and punish bad behavior consistently

- Don't lose your temper or tear down the child: simply address his behavior

These tips will work just as well on AS children, as they need to be trained just as badly as anyone else. The main thing to keep in mind with AS children is that they are going to have a harder time communicating about what is required, so you will have to put extra effort in on the communication end of things, no matter how exasperated you get with their seeming stubborness over the exact wording, etc. Just to give an example from my own childhood:

My mother told me to come straight home from school one day. Since the path to school meandered, this meant I had to cut across the swamp in order to go straight. I even had to wade the creek. In the end I almost despaired because a tree was in my way and I could not go through it. When I finally did reach home, my mom needed to not get upset at me for arriving a wet, muddy mess but to praise my efforts to obey her, then calmly explain why what I did didn't please her despite my best efforts. Then she needed to explain what she was thinking when she said 'come straight home' and how important it was that I arrive home quickly (by whatever means I found appropriate) and in condition to leave right away for town.

Or another one, from Ingalls, who I'm convinced had AS:

and had great fun sliding down the haystack until there wasn't much of a stack left. When Pa came home that night, he calmly told L & M that he'd had to go to a lot of work to restack the hay and under no circumstances were they to slide down it again. But the next day went over to gaze at the beautiful golden hay. She bent close to smell it. (who, I'm convinced, was neurotypical) told to stay away from that hay. "But," responded , Pa didn't tell us we couldn't smell the hay." Then she carefully climbed up the stack, which Pa had also not told her she couldn't do. Before long she was rolling down the stack, drawing otherwise well-behaved into her destructive logic that Pa hadn't forbidden that, either. When Pa came home that night, he was rather angry, and quite astounded when both girls looked at him solemnly and denied that they had slid down the haystack. When pointed out, though, that

they had rolled down it, Pa turned around and his shoulders shook for a while. When he turned back, he wasn't angry any more, but he explained that the hay was all that Pete and Bright had to eat that winter, and THE HAY MUST STAY STACKED, therefore she should stay off it entirely.

She did. But later, when the cowherd was sleeping and his cattle went on the rampage, wisely decided that Pa's need to have his oxen not starve outweighed his desire that she stay away from the haystack, and she and bravely went out to the haystack and fought off the cattle that were devouring Pete and Bright's food supply.

Once an AS child understands the reason for a rule and feels the freedom not to have to apply it rigidly, you will find his behaviour much less exasperating- -as long as he's getting the consistent training that all children need, just some more than others. But this will take a lot of communication efforts on both sides until both parties are sure that they clearly understand each other. That's were the extra work of having an AS child come in.

Buck

[Guest guest]

Thank you for the explanation of the communication/behavior aspects in regards

to AS, and especially for the examples to help clarify this! I just want/need

someone to explain it in an abbreviated, clear, focused way for me so I can feel

more confident in how I'm handling things here. Books, etc., have so much

information in them that doesn't always fit our situation. It generally leaves

me feeling bewildered rather than informed. Thank you for helping me gain a

better perspective on these things. Take care! -Kari

> <<How do you know whether your AS child's behavior/actions are totally due to

AS and probably won't change because they can't help it, or whether you should

continue to address things even though your efforts don't seem to be producing

any results? I don't want to 'nag' and I know parents need to 'choose their

battles', especially if it's something that she/he can't help due to Asperger's.

Is it that she can't remember things I've reminded her about many times, or she

just doesn't want to do them, or what? And how would I know each time?>>

>

> As someone who has AS himself, I am probably more sympathetic with my AS

children when they behave in aggravating ways. But an important thing to

remember is that AS is primarily a communication disorder, not a behavioral

disorder. AS children are capable of appropriate behavior--it just doesn't come

as naturally to them as it does to neurotypicals. And when they do misbehave,

it's harder to get them to see it as inappropriate. So:

> - We have to make sure they understand what is required of them

> - If they don't do what was required of them, we need to hold them accountable

for it

> - If they show a bad attitude when doing what is required of them, we need to

address that too

>

> >>This is something I struggle with. Is this particular instance just being a

kid or is it Asperger's? Should I be concerned or will it pass? Is it

misbehavior or can it not be helped (consistently, anyway)? Does anyone

understand what I mean? Does anyone else struggle with this or have any ideas? I

feel like I'm the only one who doesn't seem to know, despite all the books I've

read about AS. I'll be so grateful for any feedback on this! Thanks! --Kari<<

>

> A good book on child training would come in handy here. It would mention the

need to:

> - Make it clear what you expect

> - Follow through consistently until the child realizes you really do mean

business and takes responsibility for his own behavior

> - Reward good behavior consistently and punish bad behavior consistently

> - Don't lose your temper or tear down the child: simply address his behavior

>

> These tips will work just as well on AS children, as they need to be trained

just as badly as anyone else. The main thing to keep in mind with AS children is

that they are going to have a harder time communicating about what is required,

so you will have to put extra effort in on the communication end of things, no

matter how exasperated you get with their seeming stubborness over the exact

wording, etc. Just to give an example from my own childhood:

>

> My mother told me to come straight home from school one day.  Since the path

to school meandered, this meant I had to cut across the swamp in order to go

straight. I even had to wade the creek. In the end I almost despaired because a

tree was in my way and I could not go through it. When I finally did reach home,

my mom needed to not get upset at me for arriving a wet, muddy mess but to

praise my efforts to obey her, then calmly explain why what I did didn't please

her despite my best efforts. Then she needed to explain what she was thinking

when she said 'come straight home' and how important it was that I arrive home

quickly (by whatever means I found appropriate) and in condition to leave right

away for town.

>

> Or another one, from Ingalls, who I'm convinced had AS:

>

> and had great fun sliding down the haystack until there wasn't much

of a stack left. When Pa came home that night, he calmly told L & M that he'd

had to go to a lot of work to restack the hay and under no circumstances were

they to slide down it again. But the next day went over to gaze at the

beautiful golden hay. She bent close to smell it. (who, I'm convinced, was

neurotypical) told to stay away from that hay. " But, " responded , Pa

didn't tell us we couldn't smell the hay. " Then she carefully climbed up the

stack, which Pa had also not told her she couldn't do. Before long she was

rolling down the stack, drawing otherwise well-behaved into her destructive

logic that Pa hadn't forbidden that, either. When Pa came home that night, he

was rather angry, and quite astounded when both girls looked at him solemnly and

denied that they had slid down the haystack. When pointed out, though,

that they had

> rolled down it, Pa turned around and his shoulders shook for a while. When he

turned back, he wasn't angry any more, but he explained that the hay was all

that Pete and Bright had to eat that winter, and THE HAY MUST STAY STACKED,

therefore she should stay off it entirely.

>

> She did. But later, when the cowherd was sleeping and his cattle went on the

rampage, wisely decided that Pa's need to have his oxen not starve

outweighed his desire that she stay away from the haystack, and she and

bravely went out to the haystack and fought off the cattle that were devouring

Pete and Bright's food supply.

>

> Once an AS child understands the reason for a rule and feels the freedom not

to have to apply it rigidly, you will find his behaviour much less

exasperating--as long as he's getting the consistent training that all children

need, just some more than others. But this will take a lot of communication

efforts on both sides until both parties are sure that they clearly understand

each other. That's were the extra work of having an AS child come in.

>

> Buck

>