Re: Don't Forget the Positives - great newsletter article from Social Perspectives..

[Guest guest]

Thank you for sharing! I needed to read this as a parent, and I will be sharing this with my son's teachers. Snyder

[Guest guest]

This is a really REALLY great article. I try very hard to focus on positives.

Even during a meltdown I can find ways to use positive comments rather than

negative. I say things like, " I know you're a great kid and you don't really

want to behave that way. " Which, by the way, ends most meltdowns my son has.

It seems harder with my daughter some how. She gets in a negative mood and then

no matter what anyone says she stays there. We went through this yesterday and

I noticed that the more negative she became the more negative my husband became

with her. Then I had to find a positive way to tell my husband to be positive

with my daughter. LOL. I told him I didn't think she was feeling well which

made him more negative. " If she's sick she should be in bed! " She wasn't sick

she was sad and grumpy. I told him I didn't think it was a physical ailment and

that she just needed to be hugged extra hard (paraphrasing from a simpsons

episode that my husband totally GETS). That worked well for everyone. My

husband has some strong asperger traits but not quite enough for an official dx,

I think. My daughter has the social skills but is anxious and obsessive. In

many ways my husband and daughter are very similar. If one thing goes wrong the

whole world is wrong wrong wrong and they hate life. Fortunately, I'm able to

work with my daughter to help her with it. My husband has been doing the same

thing for almost 49 years. It is much harder for him to change. Anyway, I try

to use the focus on positive with everyone in my house regardless of any

diagnosis because it makes us all feel better. If I say positive things to my

kids I actually feel more positive about them. Sometimes I'll bring up stuff

that they did YEARS ago that I thought were great. I want them to know that

just because they're having a bad time now doesn't mean they've never had a good

moment. My son is positive about 99% of the time and he's my asperger kid.

He's like me in this respect. Once a sad moment is over, it's over and never to

be thought of again in most instances. Of course this makes it easier for me to

understand him and deal with him. We are very alike. It is much harder for my

daughter even though she doesn't have AS. So I find myself having to work

harder with her.

Now if I could JUST get my husband to focus on positive with ME rather than

negative. If I do 9000 things in a day but there's laundry I haven't folded he

gets upset about the laundry and non of the other stuff (driving 30 minutes to

get to his office to take him his phone because he's forgotten it, making phone

calls to figure out bills or taking kids to appointments) means NOTHING at that

point. Oh well, I go to a counselor for that. Well and the kids are an endless

source of positive comments. " You're the best mom in the whole world. " " I love

your grey hair. " " I love your floppy arms, they're so soft. " Even things that

seem negative can be positive to them. Me not being at the weight I'd like to

be certainly doesn't make THEM think anything negative about me. I lost 30 lbs

recently, though, and my daughter made me a little " Weight Loss Award " on her

computer. She check my pedometer regularly to see how many steps I've done.

MOMS NEED POSITIVES TOO! LOL.

Thanks for posting this. I signed up for the newsletter.

Miriam

>

> From the Social Perspectives newsletter...this is good advice! I've done this

with my son quite a bunch since 4th grade and he's really responded to it...easy

to overlook it though. Scroll all the way down to the end for info on how to get

the newsletter sent directly to you.

> ____________________________________

>

> Often times when someone puts a great deal of effort into a task or activity,

they reap immediate rewards and/or reinforcements. Think about it. Working on

and learning academic tasks results in good grades and recognition from parents

and teachers. Performing or engaging in the arts results in compliments and

references by others. Excelling in a sporting event may lead to a team or

individual win or record. All of these things take effort and practice to

refine over time.

>

> Social skills are assumed present in people. Many kids and adults really

struggle on a consistent basis to be successful in social situations, yet don't

often recognize or understand the natural consequences or " rewards " . Though

they may struggle their hardest just to " fit in " and seem to be a typical member

of a social interaction, rarely does anyone say " gee, that was an awesome

conversation you just had " .

>

> Sometimes we tend to focus on the deficits and therefore our reinforcement for

behaviors and application of strategies and concepts leans on the side of

improving or increasing social interaction. What about the day to day positive

things that are occurring. People need to be reinforced for what they do well,

not just the areas in need of improvement.

>

> All strategies and ideas taught to increase social interaction should not just

address areas of need or explore difficult situations, but should also highlight

and praise the positives that each individual possesses, even if those

interactions seem very " typical " and " appropriate " in comparison to peers.

Often it takes extra energy and concentration just to get by without standing

out.

>

> So if you are utilizing Social Stories or Comic Strip Conversations (Carol

Gray), Expected/Unexpected Behaviors ( Winner) or any other

taught strategies, be sure to also continue to use these to examine the areas

where the individual is successful and acknowledge the effort and success that

they are having. For example, use Social Stories to highlight areas of strength

or even typical social behaviors that a child generally does fine with. Point

out all of the " Expected " behaviors as well as how others feel, even if it isn't

anything normally considered exceptionally great. Don't just focus on examining

the difficult areas….use the proven strategies to examine areas of success as

well. We all want to be acknowledged for things in which we put forth great

effort, no matter how " average " .

> ____________________________________________________

>

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