RE: Re: TO CAITIN

[Guest guest]

Roxanna ROCKS (yes, she knows I AM A FAN!!!!), so while her perspective may be hard to digest as a newly diagnosed, she says some of the greatest things (always words it much better than how I some times come across----). Asperger's IS difficult at first but we all become experts and learn everyday. There is just about NOTHING any one of us would NOT do to help our kids. And, it doesn't have to be a financial strapping event: we can learn here, in books (book store---we have spent hours sitting there reading and NOT buying books! and LIBRARIES): the 'tools' to help. I learn something new daily and come up with a new idea often. Good luck, and hang in there. It is a tough journey but having an answer / a diagnosis HELPED us soooo much, as we spent years (12 actually) trying to figure out what it was with our now 16 year old son before someone said ASPERGERS (psychiatrist actually diagnosed him with it) and the more we read, learned, etc, it was FOR THE FIRST TIME, the ONE DIAGNOSES that my husband and I teared up over and over about as we said THANK YOU GOD and DR. ______________, THIS IS EXACTLY OUR SON----each thing we read was like reading about OUR son---that was the best part of the diagnoses. And, that enabled US to learn, have the tools, and gain knowledge, insight and perspective to LEARN so we can be much better parents to our now known two sons with Asperger's Syndrome (we have two N.T. sons, too). Good luck, and know this group DOES ROCK. We are all here (I am more active at some times than others and sure other people are the same, too!). But, someone WILL always respond and be the support we all need when we need it. WELCOME!!!!

Ruthie Dolezal

mom to 4 sons

wife of

From: smacalli@...Date: Thu, 18 Feb 2010 05:07:06 -0800Subject: Re: ( ) Re: Fitting in... at what cost do we not

Hi, Caitlin -

My son has mild Asperger's, too. In some situations, he could appear to "fit in", but those are pretty rare, especially at the age of 13. He has an awareness about things and about himself though that we have taught him through the years. If we hadn't of brought obvious social lessons to his attention, he may never of acquired the foundation of the skill.

Here is an example. When he was younger, D would walk up to me and start telling me something when I was in the middle of doing something, and he'd start in the middle of a story so I would have no context. About 3 years ago, I started turning around and teaching him a few things about reciprocal communication right as he walked up to me, like it's good to make eye contact or look for signs that someone is interested in talking with you before you just start in with your topic. We also talked about how, if you want to tell a story, you need to share a little bit of context because if you just start in the middle, you might lose your audience. Over and over again, I would stop him up front and we would walk through the appropriate way of communicating. He is SO MUCH BETTER about this now. Is he perfect? No. Does he still have trouble with reciprocal communication? Yes, but not as challenging as it used to be. He's probably on target about 60% of the time now (is used to be closer to zero percent, no joke!)

I hope my example explains my point. I don't consider what I did teaching him to be someone he's not, but instead, teaching him social skills that will help him build relationships in the future. If I had never intervened, I don't think he would've ever picked these things up on his own. He has to be taught what social cues are and how to interpret them. As his mom, I would be doing him a huge disservice by not helping him acquire better social skills.

"Over-optimism is waiting for you ship to come in when you haven't sent one out."

From: Caitlin <caitlinwray (DOT) ca> Sent: Wed, February 17, 2010 10:09:21 PMSubject: ( ) Re: Fitting in... at what cost do we not

Hi Roxanna. I'm the one who started this thread, and my title was not meant to convey any "attitude". My son was only diagnosed last week, so the complex labrynth of issues and treatments and perspectives in AS is still very, very new to my husband and I. So new in fact, that I have not even had time to formulate any opinions one way or the other. I started this thread to gain perspectives from other parents, so thank you for yours.

We are doing our best to navigate what will be best for our son, but in my preliminary research on Aspergers I came across many articles written by adults with AS who seemed to have a unique and worthwhile insight into AS, and took the position that their way of "being" is legitimate. Many seemed to feel that some of their experiences with socialization training were very detrimental to them and their sense of self, and as a parent I don't want to immediately dismiss those concerns. Instead, I'd like to learn more about them.

The individuals I was reading about were certainly not whining or complaining. They were sharing their experiences in what I felt was a legitimate, respectful, eloquent manner. Otherwise I would likely not have lent them any credence.

I understand your points regarding fitting in and functioning in society. I think as parents this is a huge issue for us. And I agree that every child is unique and what makes sense in terms of 'training' for one, may not for another. In our case, our son's AS is so mild in many ways, that making him 'fit in' any more than he already does makes me worry - legitimately - that we will be asking him to be someone he is not. But I may find, as we move forward, that socialization training works well for him. Only time will tell.

In the meantime, I appreciate the diversity of opinions that have been shared here.

Thanks,CaitlinEmbracing change as a blessing in disguise at www.welcome- to-normal. com

> >> > > > I'm just wondering what people's perspectives are on the issue of> > 'fitting in'. I've been reading a lot of articles by aspies, and many> > seem to feel that forcing them to fit in or trying to 'cure them' is the> > wrong approach. Do you worry that 'training' your Aspie to fit in will> > fundamentally change who they are meant to be, or are you confident that> > training them to fit in is the best thing for them in the long run?> > > > This is a piece of the puzzle that I am still perplexed by... how far do> > you go with treatments before you start erasing the individual and not> > just the disorder...> > > > Caitlin> > Embracing change as a blessing in disguise at www.welcome- to-normal. com> > <http://www.welcome- to-normal. com>> >> > > > > > > > =>