Re: intro--and how do I deal with other cruel children

[Guest guest]

I have talked to family members about issues like this. Not too

much changed in large family get togethers.

My husband or I usually have to supervise and correct behaviors as they occur.

And this seems to work well. Although it makes

her very dependent on us.

WE have nice interations when I get the children (cousins)

together 1:1 and also younger children are more accepting.

I found in other groups like the girl scouts if I was

present and directed the girls to include my daughter

they did but as they got older (3rd grade) they would exclude

her at recess when I was not present. My daughter found this

intolerable and tried to correct the situation but

there was no way for her or myself to make an impact. The parent

of these children felt at recess it was the kids choice.

And the school didn't want to get involved at recess.

We left girl scouts in third grade due to exclusion at

recess. I still think it was worth it for k-2, my daughter

enjoyed it.

About mean kids: I don't know what to say. I try to point out people

that are kind and helpful not the reverse. But we did use girl

scout values to describe what is a friend and what is not.

And she seemed to know what was kind and not.

What I try to do and can do is take my daughter places that

are typical for kids her age and in this way she experinces

a lot of what other kids do.

Pam

>

> I am new here and looking for support. My son is being tested for Asperger's

syndrome. He is six years old and I won't even go into all of his quirks lol.

We have thought for sometime he might be on the pdd spectrum but no doctors

would listen. He was diagnosed with sensory integration disorder at age three,

and has been in therapy off and on since. My daughter who is three also has

sensory integration disorder along with some social delays but not near as

pronounced. I also have an eight months old who is showing some signs of

sensory issues (hopefully not!).

>

> Okay, my current issue is children in our family that are singling my son out.

They don't want to play with him, so they trick him into staying in a room

(jail) while they go play something else. He doesn't even realize they are

being mean. Should I try to teach him to recognize mean behavior, or let him

keep on being naive about it? He seems happy for now. Also, should I approach

the parents or would that make things worse for him?

>

[Guest guest]

If these are children in your own family that are being mean to your child then those parents are your family as well -- right? If so -- you have every right and should speak with all of them about your son's situation. The fact is -- he has social delays ... as does mine ... and needs people to make extra allowances for him. One of the beautiful parts of aspergers is their innocence -- and mine, too -- doesn't see when kids are being mean -- he doesn't get sarcasm ... He understands bullies -- we talk about it a lot -- but won't call someone bully unless it's overt.My whole family is well aware of what we're going through with my son and having a formal diagnosis made it easier to allow them to make more allowances for his behavior -- which we've been dealing with his whole life... He's 8 now and we just got the diagnosis a month or

so ago. Good luck ... It's a tough road but family, should be the most understanding of all. If they aren't ... you might consider limiting your time around them for the benefit of all.

[Guest guest]

We've had many good experiences and only a few bad ones. We try to prevent kids

coming to their own conclusions about 's behavior. Classmates watch videos

about asperger syndrome. Neighborhood kids learn from me and their parents

because I always educate the parents. The biggest problems come in when both

and another kid have disabilities and they don't understand each other.

usually gets on well with asperger kids but there are other kinds of

invisible disabilities that can make it very difficult for and another

child get along. Some kids with ADHD drive crazy. We have a friend who is

going through a nasty divorce, really mean and ugly behavior on the part of the

mom, and this friend's son just can't get along with . He's rough and

doesn't seem to know how to play pretend battles in a fair way. loves to

pretend sword fights. Nobody ever gets hit with anything except maybe

accidentally. We have toy swords but sometimes the swords are pretend as well.

Anyway, in a good pretend battle for he is willing to take a fall as long

as the other guy takes a fall. This kid would just go, " Ya missed me, ya missed

me, ya missed me and he'd laugh and it would drive crazy. We don't get

together with them any more. It's just too difficult. Well, and the dad, our

friend, has some issues as well. They really WANT to get together, but I'm

afraid to try and my husband who is supposed to be this guy's friend and who

knows the guy better than the rest of us, wants no part of it. So we just don't

do it.

Sorry, I've gone off the track. It's really hard to know what to do with

cruelty. Prevention is a big help. has a 1:1 support person at school who

knows what is going on with at all times. Any potential cruelty is

prevented just by never being without an adult. In our neighborhood I tend

to hover probably a bit more than I should but I want to be around to observe

and prevent difficulties. The boy who lives next door has his own issues and

has zero tolerance for anyone who is a little different. He can be nasty even

to his friends and is only comfortable 1:1. I see him out playing quite a bit

with the kids in the neighborhood but these other kids are sort of within a

range of more typical behavior and a higher than normal level of patience.

These other kids have the potential to be great with but since they hang

around with the other kid I am terrified it will end badly for . This boy

is a blackbelt in karate and brags about having beaten up kids in his old

school. Maybe he's all talk, though. It's hard to say. The fact is, I doubt

he'd be good for so I keep them apart. is so sweet and friendly but

this boy just ignores him and perhaps that is for the best.

Educating parents and figuring out which parents are educable and reasonably

empathetic helps because they're willing to teach their own kids and see as

an opportunity to expose their kids to someone different who needs help.

Everyone feels good in that situation. The kids feel like they're helping

and become very fond of him. We miss some of our friends in Texas because of

this. One of the best of them has a big sister who is an SLP. She was in

college doing her degree in speech pathology when we lived near them. She saw

have a big meltdown one day and say me working with him and told their

mother, " You don't really see just how hard she's working. " She knew. It was a

beautiful thing. I saw her watching me with a kind of frown but it wasn't a

mean look and I didn't know what it meant because I was so busy with but

later their mom told me what she said. She was watching, concentrating and

trying to learn from it! Wow, I felt so good hearing about it.

The absolute worst was a kid whose parents thought he could do no wrong and told

me, " YOUR kid is the one with the PROBLEM " . Yeah, and their kid did sneaky mean

things to which was reacting. Biting, hitting and running, planning to hit

and telling all the kids to run away at the same time. decked the kid

on someone driveway right in front of his mother. I didn't find out until hours

later that the boy had planned the attack and told everyone to run. I saw all

the kids running and crying and running after them and then pummeling this

kid on the ground. Ummm, it wasn't great, but ya know, I feel like can and

will defend himself if needed. I can't say I was angry with because it

just wouldn't be true. Once I knew what happened it made me laugh because this

kid was just so ROTTEN. He'd be nice to when there were no other kids to

play with and mean to him when other kids were around. Teaching his parents

didn't help at all. They were immature at best. They never saw their perfect

boy doing anything and even when he admitted biting he said he did it

because he was afraid of . pounded him that time, too, but nobody saw

the kid bite . I found the bite mark on 's shoulder, a perfect child's

mouth bite mark that drew blood. couldn't communicate what happened but it

wasn't like him to just lash out for no reason. It wasn't always a good reason

and sometimes he'd hit the nearest person even when the nearest person hadn't

done anything, but there was always an explanation. The stuff with this kid

would defy explanation until would be calm enough to tell me what happened.

Anyway, explaining usually works well but I'd steer clear of kids whose parents

think they can do no wrong.

Miriam

>

> If these are children in your own family that are being mean to your child

then those parents are your family as well -- right?  If so -- you have every

right and should speak with all of them about your son's situation.  The fact is

-- he has social delays ... as does mine ... and needs people to make extra

allowances for him.  One of the beautiful parts of aspergers is their innocence

-- and mine, too -- doesn't see when kids are being mean -- he doesn't get

sarcasm ... He understands bullies -- we talk about it a lot -- but won't call

someone bully unless it's overt.

>

> My whole family is well aware of what we're going through with my son and

having a formal diagnosis made it easier to allow them to make more allowances

for his behavior -- which we've been dealing with his whole life... He's 8 now

and we just got the diagnosis a month or so ago. 

>

>

> Good luck ... It's a tough road but family, should be the most understanding

of all.  If they aren't ... you might consider limiting your time around them

for the benefit of all.

>

>

>

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