Newbie and need HELP!

[Guest guest]

Wow my story is quite a lengthy one and I have been watching the threads and

have finally decided I think I need to post as you all seem so helpful to one

another and maybe just maybe I dont have to be alone in this!I am a 33 year old

mom to 6 yes 6 wonderful boys (as if 6 wasnt shocking enough) my husband and I

have been married 12 years..our kiddos range from 12 is our oldest to 4 and a

half almost 5...

I am a stay at home mom, we run a very very tight household and have a strict

routine...I totally had it all figured out! UNTIL my 5th son Ashton started

showing signs of very high hyper activity..Then at the age of 4 my youngest son

suffered an accident that almost took his little life..Ashton is always escaping

out of the house so we had to put locks on all the insides of the doors up high

where he could not reach them, well one day I went out to do laundry (it was in

our basement and we had to go outside to get to it) when I returned I noticed

that our dog was not by the door which led me to believe ashton had let him out

or escaped (I could not lock the door as I would have been locked out) it was

then I realized my then 2 year old son was missing to and I immediately went

looking for them. We lived on a dead end road surrounded by elderly

people...When I found ashton he was playing by the neighbors house and no

Owen...I asked ashton where owen was and he looked and me and said straight

faced " hes in the pond " There was a pond in between two houses far in the back

across the street from us! I ran like I had never ran before to the pond only to

find my baby face down floating...I jumped in and got him and he was blue, and

not breathing! After running for help and my neighbor heard and called 911 I

knew I had to do something and luckily had taken infant child cpr a year earlier

for a dental office I worked for! My instincts kicked in and I started breaths

and compressions....after 4 sets of breaths and compressions he coughed and

started breathing! at that point the ambulance had shown up! Long story short he

ended up being PERFECT no lung issues, chest x-ray clean and no neurological

problems! He is my miracle baby!

So at this point amongst all of the other questions I had I was then

questionig why why...didnt ashton run home to tell me Owen had fallen in the

water..all of my other kids at the age would have most def done just that! At my

sons checkup with his pediatrician as I was telling him the story he stopped me

mid sentence and said " Ashton saw it " ? and I said yes and at that point he

looked at me put his hand on my leg and said " we have a problem " a year later

he had a diagnosis of ADHD and ODD and 4 months ago was Finally diagnosed with

aspergers! (took us 8 months to get into a psychologist in our area)

The last 2 years have been the worst and most hardest, trying, emotially

draining, mentally exhausting years of my life! I dont even know where to begin!

He has been on 5 diff meds and we are finally on track to seeing therapists and

counselors...my question is this.....Why as a parent can I not find that

connection with him? he is self destructive, vindictive, at times scary,

unmanagable, intolerable, and all around just difficult! He has sensory issues

so he is not a cuddler but I am having the worst feeling a mother should NEVER

have. When I look at him I see the chaos and craziness he has brought to our

lives not just mine and my husbands but my other kids as well...They have missed

out on SOOOO much as our day routine is around whether or not ashton is having a

good day..if he is not I will not go out in public as I cannot control him! He

runs off over every little thing and he is fast.. He will take off on me at a

store and I cant catch him. He destroys everything of his brothers (wii games 4

in the last month) breaks his glasses when he is made, wont think twice about

grabbing a pen and wtriting all over the walls etc..I know he is different and I

know I should not get mad at him as he does not understand however when he gets

in trouble and I try to discipline him (which at this point dont have the

slightest clue how as most methods with my other kids wont work) he looks at me

and laughs this evil laugh! I cry myself to sleep and some mornings dont even

want to face the day..the resentment in my house is sooo severe with his

brothers its hard to take some days, however he is usually 99 percent of the

time the root of the problem! I am suppose to be an advocate for him for school

(which he gets sent home from at least 3 days a week and still after a year of

me fighting tooth and nail not on an IEP) when I cannot control him myself...I

am seriously at the end of my rope!

I dont want to feel this way I want sooo badly to love him but at this point

in time I am fighting with my emotions and most of it is just sadness and anger.

Is this normal and what do I do? I am trying to understand him but going from 5

boys to a child with his behaviorial issues and aspergers I am at a loss! I have

read book after book but none tell me how to deal with this emotion..I know

somewhere deep down I do love him, I am his mom I should love him and want to

hold him and love on him however when he comes near me I dont even want to be in

the same room as him! Please help me I need some sort of reassurance or

direction! thank you soo much!!

Raina