requesting help

[Guest guest]

One thing I have never figured out is how to teach someone to recognize and ask for help when needed. I know this is a problem for a number of kids with HFA/AS. For us, our older ds is now 21 yo and he just has never asked for help. If he couldn't do something, he would just not get it done. His attitude was always that if he could not do something, he didn't want to do it anyway. He never learned or allowed us to teach him anything. It was almost like we insult him if we attempt it. Whatever he did, he already knew how or as I said, he wouldn't do it.

Now that he is this age, I guess I expected a little more ability in asking for help. But it's never happened. He will insist he doesn't have any problems that need help from anyone. Recently, he took two classes at college for the summer term and one class was too hard for him. Yet, he never would mention that he was failing the class or having any problems. He has dyslexia and I tried many times to offer help, get him books on the subject, sent him tutorial websites, etc. We'd ask how he was doing and he just, as always, grunts, ignores us or says things are fine. It's more a problem now because these classes are costing us $$. He managed to finish the class but with a "D". I even had a talk with him about dropping the class if he thought he would fail it so it wouldn't land on his transcripts. But he just kept going like someone heading to watch a train wreck. I finally wrote him an email (he responds better to technological led discussions) and used the practical approach with him, explaining why he needs to do well in certain areas, how I can help him or offering to find a tutor if he didn't want to work with his mom, how to drop classes if one is failing or probably going to fail, how everyone needs help in some things, etc.

Well, he didn't even read half the email - said it was "too long" and besides, "I know how I work, everything is fine." Augh! Has anyone found ways to work on this kind of problem - successful or not? I'd love ideas, although I realize at his age that things are not probably going to improve much.

Roxanna

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

[Guest guest]

Hi Roxanna,

You are one of the most supportive members on this forum and have such an insightful way of looking at things, I don't at all want to "teach Grandma to suck eggs" and tell you stuff you already have figured out - apologies if this is the case here.

Along the way we have tried sooooo hard to teach DD the concept that life is full of tools - she saw using pen and paper for maths as unnecessary or giving in, or being stupid or who knows what-all else!! So we have tried to convey that pen and paper is a tool for all manner of jobs, so too is her mouth in asking for help or in telling someone her needs, that just as DH uses a drill or screwdriver etc as tools so lots of things in life are tools and that using tools is clever rather than anything else - who would try making a hole in the wall without a drill, or planting something without a spade etc. Whenever then we bump into something she is reluctant to use/ask/do we try to get her to see if there are any tools she isn't using so she can see she needs to change something. We've even taught her to look at money as a tool - that allows her to buy better tools, other tools etc - her knife and fork are eating tools and so on. We talk alot about tools and now she will say when doing her maths "look Mum, I'm using my tools" as she writes down her figuring out and she is proud she is using her tools, and the "right tool for the job". This concept seems to help her to look more objectively (a little!) at a problem area and analyse somewhat that she needs to find a "tool" to help her in addressing the issue. We started out by pointing out how silly it would be trying to do obvious jobs without tools like digging up the road, wiring a plug, putting up shelves then going places pointing out the various tools used - fast food places you can see them using utensils to serve, the fryers for cooking etc, at the supermarket there are the trolleys, shopping list, bags, egg boxes, fridges, cartons and so on and the more you do it the more they realise the world is full of tools. We also tried doing a few jobs then without tools eg trying to buy the ingredients for dinner without a trolley and trying to carry everything in our hands, making a sandwich without a knife so messy fingers, eating cereal with no spoon so she got it that not using tools is pretty silly.

With this approach almost all areas of life have tools from personal hygiene - toothbrush, flannel, brush; eating - cutlery; washing dishes - sponge, liquid soap, dishwasher etc; dressing - shoes, coats, gloves; schoolwork - paper, calculator, computer, compass etc; cooking - utensils, pots, pans, scales. The list is endless but now she grasps the concept of tools and using them she is more open to help - a pretty universal tool is people and their knowledge be it Mum and Dad, teacher, shop assistant etc but she needs to use other tools - mouth/words - to unlock their help as one would a key (tool!) at a lock (tool for keeping things safe!).

I don't know if this approach might help or not with a much older child but the concept is one he might be able to grasp and possibly extend at least a little into other areas of his life with some encouragement.

Hope you find something that helps,

a

From: Roxanna

Sent: Friday, July 30, 2010 2:33 AM

Subject: ( ) requesting help

One thing I have never figured out is how to teach someone to recognize and ask for help when needed. I know this is a problem for a number of kids with HFA/AS. For us, our older ds is now 21 yo and he just has never asked for help. If he couldn't do something, he would just not get it done. His attitude was always that if he could not do something, he didn't want to do it anyway. He never learned or allowed us to teach him anything. It was almost like we insult him if we attempt it. Whatever he did, he already knew how or as I said, he wouldn't do it.Now that he is this age, I guess I expected a little more ability in asking for help. But it's never happened. He will insist he doesn't have any problems that need help from anyone. Recently, he took two classes at college for the summer term and one class was too hard for him. Yet, he never would mention that he was failing the class or having any problems. He has dyslexia and I tried many times to offer help, get him books on the subject, sent him tutorial websites, etc. We'd ask how he was doing and he just, as always, grunts, ignores us or says things are fine. It's more a problem now because these classes are costing us $$. He managed to finish the class but with a "D". I even had a talk with him about dropping the class if he thought he would fail it so it wouldn't land on his transcripts. But he just kept going like someone heading to watch a train wreck. I finally wrote him an email (he responds better to technological led discussions) and used the practical approach with him, explaining why he needs to do well in certain areas, how I can help him or offering to find a tutor if he didn't want to work with his mom, how to drop classes if one is failing or probably going to fail, how everyone needs help in some things, etc. Well, he didn't even read half the email - said it was "too long" and besides, "I know how I work, everything is fine." Augh! Has anyone found ways to work on this kind of problem - successful or not? I'd love ideas, although I realize at his age that things are not probably going to improve much.

RoxannaWhenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.