Need advice

[Guest guest]

Thanks Patty, , and Bonnie for responding to my plea for help. I posted this because I know that many of the women on this site are moms, and I'm curious to know what they think or how they would react to their child leaving and going back to someplace that has bittersweet memories (but lots of good ones as well). I know that I am an adult and shouldn't make decisions based on what pleases my parents. But my mom is SOOOOO good at making me feel guilty. She could teach a class on how to make people feel guilty. My biggest fear is that I will get back to Denver and something will happen with my health and I will find myself in a financial bind again. And then my mom can say "I told you so." But at this point, my job will enable me to make much more money than I have ever made while I lived in Denver. There is also the potential for that job with Abbott Labs to pan out (I found that out tonight). If that were offered to me, then I would be making $90K+ a yr, and finances wouldn't ever be a problem. Right now, I am bound and determined to get back to Denver. And this is whether I have the approval of my parents or not. I need to go back there not just for my happiness and to be near my physicians, but to prove to them that I can do it. That one bad yr doesn't mean that I can never make it in Denver again. I've tried to tell my parents that we all have hard times in our lives, whether it be financially, our health, family problems, etc., but no one is perfect---not even my parents. The other thing I've been thinking about is that my mom and dad may be jealous that I'm going back there. They love Denver, and recently my mom said that if they could afford to live in Denver, they'd be there in a minute (they can afford to live in Denver, but they don't like any of the houses available, and would want one built, which would cost them about $1 million). They are just picky, and want a house in the foothills of Denver or in the mtns, and that would be much more to build a house there than to buy a house here in Tucson. Anyway, I do think that there is some jealousy going on. And of course the control issue with my mom. She's no longer got control over me or my sister since we'll both be gone. Interestingly enough, when I was in therapy with my psychiatrist in Denver, she met my parents a few times, and said that based on our discussions and what she gleaned from talking to them, she felt that all my mom wants is to control my sister and me. Just an aside---when I was dating a guy in the mid 90's, he lived in southern Denver, I lived in north Denver, and my parents lived in Boulder. Well, obviously, my free time was spent with my boyfriend, and not with my parents, when I had usually spent my free time in Boulder with them prior to meeting this guy. My mom had a fit that I wasn't coming over for Sunday dinner or just to visit. She accused me of ignoring my family, being selfish, and not having my "priorities right." I moved to central Denver to be closer to my boyfriend, and that put me much farther away from my parents in Boulder. My boyfriend told me that my parents were very controlling. And my psychiatrist told me that they were very controlling, and they didn't like to lose control. And that is exactly what is happening now. At any rate, I have to go back to Denver for my mental and physical health. I have to prove to my parents that I can do this, even though they will never approve of it, and will never let me forget my financial hardships last yr. If they don't agree with it and don't want anything to do with me, then so be it. If they are going to disown me simply because I'm making a decision that I know is right for me, then they are truly the selfish ones. I am not going to continue to try to please them when it's to no avail. If I stay in Tucson, I will be miserable, depressed, and a recluse. I have no friends here. I have friends in Denver that want me to come back and will be there for me. I want to wear sweaters and coats and snow boots. I don't want warm weather 365 days of the yr! My psychiatrist told me once that I will never gain approval from my parents, and I've got to accept that and move on. And that is what I'm going to do. **Now watch this whole job thing fall through in Denver** Anymore insight I'd greatly appreciate it, because I'm trying to assimilate all that I can to ensure that I'm doing the right thing, and no one thinks I'm crazy. So, keep the feedback coming so I can read and reread what you all have written. Plus, I'd really like to get a point of view from the moms out there to see how they would feel and what they would say if their daughter was in my position and they were in my parents' position. Thanks so much! e