A RECONSIDERATION OF MY BELIEFS.

[Guest guest]

For the past 18 years of my " cancer journey " I have been especially

stubborn about hearing or listening to anyone trying to tell me that

cancer has an emotional and spiritual component. My daughter has been

trying for 18 years (starting from age 11----my poor daughter) to get

me to tune into the emotional causes of " my " cancer. When diagnosed

for the third time in 2006, she kept telling me, " Mom, it's all

emotional. You need to deal with your grief and anger. The lungs

(where the cancer metastasized to) are the site of grief. " The more I

told her to stop it, the more she pushed. She has kept on me about

yoga and I have finally signed on for two yoga sessions this month.

She has gotten me to a meditative Ayurveda head massage thing, which

relaxes your mind and body. I didn't want to hear any of it. My

friend the Angel Man had such a strong faith that he used to

say, " Bring it on! " (death that is). He died of lymphoma in 1996. He

never worried about his death and in fact he died happy. He lived his

life up until the last moment. He ate French pastries while I downed

wheat grass and raw foods. He believed in ANGELS.

All this time I have been pig-headed and determined to win this

battle over cancer, beating down any opponent who questioned my

scientifically trained brain. I have watched many people die over the

years as I continued my battle and journey over this spectacle of

death. Any mention of the " mind-body connection " I met with silent

scorn. My old roommate used to shove it down my throat that I had

brought the cancer on because of my " anger " issues. I was glad when

she finally moved out.

I have never slowed down enough in my life to realize that I have

always been doing something, planning something, or talking about

something. Never have I just RELAXED. The last three weeks, for

instance, when I had to make five trips to my car over a 24 hour

period (parked 1 mile away) in order to lug groceries up to my

elderly client, I was forced to sit down---literally in the middle of

the snow and ice-covered driveway---in order to catch my breath. Of

course, the five trips were over a 24 hour period, but I HAD to stop

and smell the flowers. Otherwise, I was about to collapse in the

snow. A question kept cropping up in my brain, " What is the big

hurry? What is the big rush? " I looked out over the vast tall trees

and the lake below from the perch on the hill as I stopped to catch

my breath. I inhaled the crisp mountain air. So, out of this hardship

I am learning to slow down and take things easier. Did it take

turning 56 and cancer to learn this? Apparently. I am not

particularly proud of confessing this. But I assume that I am an

extreme example of a driven, type A+ personality. Always competing,

striving, planning, plotting, controlling, dealing, negotiating, etc.

At the very least, gaining mastery over one's emotions will lead to a

happier, healthier life. I do not have mastery over my emotions. This

is my major goal now. The foundation for ANY healing protocol must

come from a place of positive emotion and belief, for without this,

no stage can be set, no foundation laid for a strong house. The basic

12 steps teach this---we have to lay the foundation for a good life.

Just four nights ago three teen-age girls---two of them were sisters--

-were killed on a detoured road not far from my place of work. One

thirteen year old sister was thrown from the car and lived--the only

survivor out of four young girls. They hit a patch of ice and spun

into a jeep. They had gone out for a night of hairdos, manicures,

dinner and a movie. No alcohol was involved. Just good kids out for

some fun. A man today in Fedex Kinko's told me about coming up the I-

5 from Salem and he hit a patch of ice the day before Christmas Eve.

He did a 720 degree spin in the road and miraculously there was no

one in front or behind him on this usually very busy interstate

between the Mexican and Canadian borders. Life is short. We don't

know how long we will have to enjoy this gift of life.

I am now intrigued that there is a vast amount of knowledge that I

have closed my mind off to for many years. The " Big Book " of

Alcoholics Anonymous states, " There is a principle which is a bar

against all information, which is proof against all arguments and

which cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance - that

principle is contempt prior to investigation. " Herbert Spencer

I have not been a particularly happy person for the past few years or

so. I have basically been on a dry drunk now for about 3-5 years

having stopped attending the spiritual 12 step programs. I am now

reading the " Thought for the Day " and the " Big Book " and the " 12

Steps, " and I am re-affirming my faith in Christ and seeking his

presence. He came to me the other night and visited me. I felt His

presence.

I personally think the emotional aspects of any healing modality are

the most challenging and the real work. Here is where you find what

makes you tick. It is extremely painful at times, but also so

rewarding to finally discover who you are. I don't like the fact that

indeed I am an angry person and fly off the handle at people and then

have to go back and apologize. It is a deeply routed behavior pattern

I learned from my father, who learned it from his father, probably.

But what would life be like without all the excess emotional baggage?

Wouldn't that be even more wonderful then knowing how many days I had

left? I would choose quality over quantity any ole day. Surviving

cancer for 20 years is one thing. Being truly happy and serene for 5

years I would settle for in a heart beat.

The three day retreats at Cedar Springs are dirt cheap at $400, which

includes all lodging, raw foods and juicing. I would certainly

consider doing a big get together at some future point for those of

us on the website. Any interest out there? Please be sure

to read McHaffey's story in the " Complete Cancer Cleanse. " He

is a 25-28 year leukemia survivor, given 30 days to live back in the

early 1980's. He is big on the mind-body connection, but also into

the raw foods, juicing. He did I think 10% animal protein; 30% cooked

foods and 60% raw foods. Sounds pretty balanced and sane to me. Maybe

this is where I got my inspiration to relax a bit on my tightly

controlled raw diet. I can't lose anymore weight. all my pants are

almost down to my knees.

Some good books on soul level healing that I just discovered

are " Cell-Level Healing: The Bridge from Soul to Cell " by Joyce

Whiteley Hawkes (got this in the mail recently) and " Molecules of

Emotion " by Candace Pert. McHaffey mentions Candace in his

book " The Complete Cancer Cleanse Diet. " I just ordered this on

Amazon.com.

Dorr