From /Re: Death Is Not A Failure

[Guest guest]

Hi everyone,

wrote this beautil letter 6 months ago.

We'll miss her.

Aveline

>

> Fifteen years ago, when I was given a terminal diagnosis, I was terrified of

dying. I had so much anxiety that I went on Ativan, which helped me relax

tremendously. I was then able to focuse and work very hard on alternatives and

with the help of chemotherapy, I went into remission. As I have said so many

times before, none of us has any guarantees of a cancer cure and/or remission.

Yes, we try and fight because we do not want to die and leave our loved ones

behind.

>

> But the bible says that there is a season for everything. And yes, it mentions

that there is a season for dying. Every single person will have to die someday.

>

> What happens when someone is an active member on this website and then

discovers that their cancer has taken a turn for the worse? Do they isolate

themselves, reach out to others, feeling deep down inside that this time it

might be over? Are they afraid to talk about it for fear of being judged and

criticized? Or do we help this individual as eagerly as we would if we were

trying to save his life? It takes work to die and people need help making this

transition.

>

> I had a CT scan today. I have been throwing up everytime I drink water. My

voice is raspy at times. My doctor thinks my tumors are growing. We will see.

But regardless of what the outcome for me might be, there are other members on

this website who may be needing the peace of mind that Death Is Not A Failure.

In other words, we may need to help them die and make the transition. I have

been a hospice caregiver for clients on and off for the last twenty-five years.

I have witnessed many deaths. There is a need for us in this society to talk

about death. My brother died when I was six years old. His name was never

mentioned in our home again. When I tried to bring up his name, I was told, " Oh,

you were too young to remember that. " My parents did the best they could, but, I

grew up with this tremendous fear and dread of death. Most people do not want to

die or even phathom the concept of them not being here anymore. There are kids

to raise, or grandkids, husbands, wives, brothers and sisters, other family

members and friends--even friends on this website--that we don't want to let

down. We want to keep fighting so they won't be hurt when we die. But everyone

has to die someday. We all will make the transition.

>

> I am suggesting that we embrace individuals who's time has come and only he or

she knows this. There is also a time to stop fighting for some folks and accept

that this is perhaps the time to make the transition. We will be most helpful if

we embrace the individual's personal choices without trying to rescue or save

them from their death. If a person decides it is time for them to let go and

stop fighting, them it is more loving to embrace this for them. Of course, since

most of us on this website, including myself, are in the fighting mode, I am

sure it may be difficult to support such a member. It may make us uncomfortable.

We don't want to face our own death, which I have stated is inevitable for all

of us. So, in fact we are all just stalling the inevitable. We are biding time.

For me, when Farrah and both died on the same day, it was just

devastating. Death.

>

> What is death? I don't know. I don't know if there is anything on the other

side. But I do believe in Jesus and I do have peace of mind at this point and I

pray that those who may be facing death can have the peace of mind that they are

not alone. Death is something we all must face at some point down the journey of

our lives. As human beings, we will need to one day shed this body that embodies

our spirit. It has been planned this way for millions of years (or however long

us humans have been around).

>

> One thing in my work as a hospice caregiver is that I would witness family

members stroking there loved ones cheeks and foreheads and saying, " It is o.k.

to die. You can let go now. We are going to be alright. " The gift that is given

is that the dying person is now not made to feel responsible for hurting,

abandoning and leaving people. Of course everyone will miss him or her. But we

are giving permission for the person to make his or her final good-bye.

>

> Shortly after my diagnosis in August 1994, I was sitting on the edge of my

daughter's bed crying on night. I said to her (she was just 16), " But I don't

want to die. " Unbelievably, this is what she said to me: " Mom, death is like

childbirth. We come kicking and screaming into the world. Wouldn't it be

something that death is the same thing? We might get on the otherside and it is

so wonderful that we kick ourselves for being so resistant to dying. " This is

the most beautiful thing that has ever been said to me in my life. No wonder my

daughter has a 4.1 grade average at the University of Oregon. She is brilliant!!

>

> So, I hope that we can have a healthy discussion of death on this website,

even though most of us work feverously to avoid it, understandably. But as my

daughter said, death might not be so bad after all.

>

> Sincerely,

>

> Dorr

>