Re: Unconsummated marriage

[Guest guest]

The GOOD news is his problem seems solvable!!

His T level of some 200 is ridiculously low, about 1/3 of the normal,

so no wonder he has a very low sex drive. Yes, he needs testosterone,

and he needs it right away, he is risking his marriage and his own

heath with low T. Well, somehow you got his T level blood tested,

that ought to convince him something is not working right in his body.

Most low T males, like those on this list, do self injections of

testosterone either every week or two weeks, no big deal, in the upper

thigh and does not really hurt at all if done right. Yes, skin spread

ons like Androgel are available to use every day, but they are much

much more expensive and many people's skin does not absorb very well.

A very few opt for T pellets surgically place under the skin in the

buttocks area every couple of months to release a steady amount of T,

but this is the most expensive method. Somehow you have to convince

him how much better life would be for both you and him if he accepts

that he needs to be T therapy and right now. Maybe if you put it in

terms of starting the program with local endocrinologist for YOUR

sake and the sake of the marriage, instead of him doing it for him

only. He may have a real problem accepting that something is " wrong "

with him and if he just ignores the issue it will somehow go away.

I have been self injecting for some 37 years, I just gave myself a

shot yesterday and I feel much much better today, stronger, more

alert, more feeling of desire in my groin. I wish and hope your

husband would realize the terrible efffect low T is having on his

body and his life, and his marriage. You seem like a terrific woman

to know what his problem is and research it and come to this forum

looking for help !!

norton

>

> My marriage of one year is unconsummated. My husband got tested for

> testosterone and it is very low (200). He never gets worked up

during

> sex, never leading to thrusts vigorous enough to penetrate. Is there

> any hope? Of having sex and of having kids? What should be the next

> steps to address the situation? He is in early 30s.

>

> Also, my husband is in acute denial that he has a problem (he tried

to

> convince me for a year that he had no dysfunction, that some people

> just take more time than others to consummate, that the marriage is

> " partially consummated " with " partial penetration " ). I have never

seen

> him ejaculate or orgasm, though he can have an erection. How do I

deal

> with this difficult attitude? It took me one year of persuading for

> him to go to a doctor.

>

[Guest guest]

Low T is the problem. Regular injections of of testosterone will get

him going. A little TLC and perhaps a push from one of the three ED

drugs will take hime the rest of the way.

I'm 59 years old, married for 26 years and was very sexually active in

my 30's and 40's. Last year I could no longer perform and found my

testosterone was 150. Regular injections of testosterone cypionate

have improved all aspects of my life.

It's not a problem in his head and has nothing to do with your

femininity or desirability.

Just as it is impossible to run an automobile without fuel, it is

impossible for a man to perform sexually without sufficient

testosterone.

There may be some underlying pathology when this happens to a young

man, but in any case the " cure " is the same.

There are several other things like aromatase inhibitors which you can

read about here, but it all starts with " T " .

Don't mess around with gels or tablets or patches. Learn to use a

needle and give him the injections yourself.

>

> My marriage of one year is unconsummated. My husband got tested for

> testosterone and it is very low (200). He never gets worked up during

> sex, never leading to thrusts vigorous enough to penetrate. Is there

> any hope? Of having sex and of having kids? What should be the next

> steps to address the situation? He is in early 30s.

>

> Also, my husband is in acute denial that he has a problem (he tried to

> convince me for a year that he had no dysfunction, that some people

> just take more time than others to consummate, that the marriage is

> " partially consummated " with " partial penetration " ). I have never seen

> him ejaculate or orgasm, though he can have an erection. How do I deal

> with this difficult attitude? It took me one year of persuading for

> him to go to a doctor.

>

[Guest guest]

I admire your courage for talking about this very sensitive topic.   A qualified

doctor is definitely needed for this diagnosis.  Please stay on top of this

matter since it is such a vital part of marriage.   While it is true some people

dont have a high sex drive, this is very low.  Your husband should stop denying

the problem exists.   From your writing, it appears to be very real.   Most

other women would have given up 11months ago.   Obviously you love your husband

and want to work this out.   Your patience is admired.  I dont want to sound so

forward with my comments but there are some strong and relevant facts in this

matter.   He needs to know that your patience exceeds that of most other married

woman.  Most of all, he needs to get off that merry go round called denial.  

Not to sound like a broken record, there is a problem.   You have identified it,

he wont acknowledge it.

  Take care, 

From: whenharry_metsally <whenharry_metsally@...>

Subject: Unconsummated marriage

Date: Wednesday, December 10, 2008, 8:25 AM

My marriage of one year is unconsummated. My husband got tested for

testosterone and it is very low (200). He never gets worked up during

sex, never leading to thrusts vigorous enough to penetrate. Is there

any hope? Of having sex and of having kids? What should be the next

steps to address the situation? He is in early 30s.

Also, my husband is in acute denial that he has a problem (he tried to

convince me for a year that he had no dysfunction, that some people

just take more time than others to consummate, that the marriage is

" partially consummated " with " partial penetration " ). I have never seen

him ejaculate or orgasm, though he can have an erection. How do I deal

with this difficult attitude? It took me one year of persuading for

him to go to a doctor.

[Guest guest]

Well " Sally " are you sure " Harry " isn't gay?

2008/12/10 Groh <victorinocks@...>

> I admire your courage for talking about this very sensitive topic. A

> qualified doctor is definitely needed for this diagnosis. Please stay on

> top of this matter since it is such a vital part of marriage. While it is

> true some people dont have a high sex drive, this is very low. Your husband

> should stop denying the problem exists. From your writing, it appears to

> be very real. Most other women would have given up 11months ago.

> Obviously you love your husband and want to work this out. Your patience

> is admired. I dont want to sound so forward with my comments but there are

> some strong and relevant facts in this matter. He needs to know that your

> patience exceeds that of most other married woman. Most of all, he needs to

> get off that merry go round called denial. Not to sound like a broken

> record, there is a problem. You have identified it, he wont acknowledge

> it.

> Take care,

>

>

>

> From: whenharry_metsally

<whenharry_metsally@...<whenharry_metsally%40>

> >

> Subject: Unconsummated marriage

> < %40>

> Date: Wednesday, December 10, 2008, 8:25 AM

>

> My marriage of one year is unconsummated. My husband got tested for

> testosterone and it is very low (200). He never gets worked up during

> sex, never leading to thrusts vigorous enough to penetrate. Is there

> any hope? Of having sex and of having kids? What should be the next

> steps to address the situation? He is in early 30s.

>

> Also, my husband is in acute denial that he has a problem (he tried to

> convince me for a year that he had no dysfunction, that some people

> just take more time than others to consummate, that the marriage is

> " partially consummated " with " partial penetration " ). I have never seen

> him ejaculate or orgasm, though he can have an erection. How do I deal

> with this difficult attitude? It took me one year of persuading for

> him to go to a doctor.

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you all for your responses. Is low testosterone also related to

low sperm count? Is it possible to have children with TRT?

My husband is in acute denial. He said things like " I could have

ejaculated but didn't because you were not on birth control and we

didn't want a baby just now " or " there was not enough lubrication " or

" you were causing stress in the marriage which was making me unable to

perform " . I have endured a year of this crazy-making. I had to tell

him that I would leave him if he didn't go to a urologist for him to

reluctantly agree to go to one after one whole year of marriage. I

have also told him I will come to all his doctor appointments so that

he can't deny/minimize he has a problem.

I would like to have a sex life and have biological children with my

husband. Is that possible if my husband has testosterone 200 at 32

years of age?

> >

> > My marriage of one year is unconsummated. My husband got tested for

> > testosterone and it is very low (200). He never gets worked up during

> > sex, never leading to thrusts vigorous enough to penetrate. Is there

> > any hope? Of having sex and of having kids? What should be the next

> > steps to address the situation? He is in early 30s.

> >

> > Also, my husband is in acute denial that he has a problem (he tried to

> > convince me for a year that he had no dysfunction, that some people

> > just take more time than others to consummate, that the marriage is

> > " partially consummated " with " partial penetration " ). I have never seen

> > him ejaculate or orgasm, though he can have an erection. How do I deal

> > with this difficult attitude? It took me one year of persuading for

> > him to go to a doctor.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Sally,

   My name is Justus Gent.  My heart goes out to the both of you.  First let me

apologize for any comments that may have been offensive, rude or insensitive.

  To answer your question.  Yes there is every reason to have a earnest

expectation of a healthy sex life and raise a family.

 You did not say he was sterile. 

 For you as a person.  You have your entire being invested in your love for him

as well as your dreams and desires for your whole life.

This surely has brought much anxiety. And you may feel vexed and distressed

everyday.

What I can tell you is I came to this group about a year ago.  My Testosterone

was 133.   I was heavily depressed and severely shaken to the core of my being. 

I was and still am naturally impotent.  But I am very much in love with my wife

and we have learned how to be intimate with the help of medicine and some

erection dysfunction tools until I am completely restored.

My wife cried continually but I thank God she loved me more than my body which

gave me enough space to repent of my own insecurity and pain as well as give

time for my doctors and true friends in this group to help.

Regardless of the opinions of others my wife loves me.  This is the substance

that will give the two of you time to be made whole and be one. 

Do not allow anyone to say otherwise.  Follow your heart with wisdom.  Many

women would have left me.  But I married the right one.  So I do not entertain

just any ones opinion of our great love.  And I urge you to restrain from others

opinions on the character of your love.

I wrote to this group on a few occasions seeking answers to restore the

intimacy.   I never got the answer in the day I asked but I have received a

abundance over time.

Manhood is difficult because it is not taught nor discussed properly as it

should.  It for many of us is full of speculation and fables. And with so much

mis-understanding comes many stumblings.

Some of the effects of low testosterone  are depression, anger, cowardliness,

timidity, fear, confusion, strife, deviant sexual thoughts, despair, loss of

ability to concentrate, moodiness, emotionality, feeling weak, feeling

inadequate, overcome. Lacking in self assurance. memory failure, inner unrest,

tiredness, passivity, reduced interest in surroundings, hypochondria, loss of

sexual desire, loss of sexual ability.  

Many men as I find when our bodies are out of balance we are subject to a

overall meltdown.  Some cycle between wealth and poverty or success and great

failure.   A man overcome with a self perception of 'Not being a Man'  will

surely falter.

So in the short run you can expect some continued disturbance but as his body

regulates he will show many fruits of kindness and being at his best.

You asked how shall I deal with this difficult attitude.   Break down the

barriers within his heart and mind by cultivating it with love and the knowledge

of the truth.

We all drown when we don't understand or know what we are talking about; 

seeming lost as to which way to go.   

The good news is that the two of you can pursue restoration with confidence. 

I will write you on Thursday.  I need to confer with others and put together a

well organized yet simplified list of proactive steps to aide in your

recovery.  

Continue to be of good courage and focus on the man you love.  

Thank you for reaching out.  There are those in the group who delight to be of

excellent support.

As I reflect daily on- from the despair from which I came.  It really could have

been so much easier.  And to this purpose I will put my best efforts for the two

of you.

Justus Gent 

 

________________________________

From: whenharry_metsally <whenharry_metsally@...>

Sent: Wednesday, December 10, 2008 3:25:33 AM

Subject: Unconsummated marriage

My marriage of one year is unconsummated. My husband got tested for

testosterone and it is very low (200). He never gets worked up during

sex, never leading to thrusts vigorous enough to penetrate. Is there

any hope? Of having sex and of having kids? What should be the next

steps to address the situation? He is in early 30s.

Also, my husband is in acute denial that he has a problem (he tried to

convince me for a year that he had no dysfunction, that some people

just take more time than others to consummate, that the marriage is

" partially consummated " with " partial penetration " ). I have never seen

him ejaculate or orgasm, though he can have an erection. How do I deal

with this difficult attitude? It took me one year of persuading for

him to go to a doctor.

[Guest guest]

How do I know if he is sterile? Does low testosterone imply sterility?

The doctor did not want to start TRT as he said that would make him

unable to have children in the future. Is there a test for sterility -

would it be semen analysis?

My husband is not a good husband anyway, he is addicted to pornography

and is emotionally distant and seems scared of intimacy and is

controlling and lacks empathy. His denial of dysfunction for a year

has led me to the limit of my patience and endurance. I wanted to see

if there is any hope with medicines. Otherwise I do not have a great

emotional relationship to stay for in the marriage. I have tried to

make him seek help, and he has tried to steamroll me into believing

everything was OK and I was just imagining problems. So I feel pretty

angry and resentful now.

>

> Hi Sally,

>

> My name is Justus Gent. My heart goes out to the both of you.

First let me apologize for any comments that may have been offensive,

rude or insensitive.

>

> To answer your question. Yes there is every reason to have a

earnest expectation of a healthy sex life and raise a family.

>

> You did not say he was sterile.

>

> For you as a person. You have your entire being invested in your

love for him as well as your dreams and desires for your whole life.

>

> This surely has brought much anxiety. And you may feel vexed and

distressed everyday.

>

> What I can tell you is I came to this group about a year ago. My

Testosterone was 133. I was heavily depressed and severely shaken to

the core of my being. I was and still am naturally impotent. But I

am very much in love with my wife and we have learned how to be

intimate with the help of medicine and some erection dysfunction tools

until I am completely restored.

>

> My wife cried continually but I thank God she loved me more than my

body which gave me enough space to repent of my own insecurity and

pain as well as give time for my doctors and true friends in this

group to help.

>

> Regardless of the opinions of others my wife loves me. This is the

substance that will give the two of you time to be made whole and be

one.

>

> Do not allow anyone to say otherwise. Follow your heart with

wisdom. Many women would have left me. But I married the right one.

So I do not entertain just any ones opinion of our great love. And I

urge you to restrain from others opinions on the character of your love.

>

> I wrote to this group on a few occasions seeking answers to restore

the intimacy. I never got the answer in the day I asked but I have

received a abundance over time.

>

> Manhood is difficult because it is not taught nor discussed properly

as it should. It for many of us is full of speculation and fables.

And with so much mis-understanding comes many stumblings.

>

>

> Some of the effects of low testosterone are depression, anger,

cowardliness, timidity, fear, confusion, strife, deviant sexual

thoughts, despair, loss of ability to concentrate, moodiness,

emotionality, feeling weak, feeling inadequate, overcome. Lacking in

self assurance. memory failure, inner unrest, tiredness, passivity,

reduced interest in surroundings, hypochondria, loss of sexual desire,

loss of sexual ability.

>

> Many men as I find when our bodies are out of balance we are subject

to a overall meltdown. Some cycle between wealth and poverty or

success and great failure. A man overcome with a self perception of

'Not being a Man' will surely falter.

>

> So in the short run you can expect some continued disturbance but as

his body regulates he will show many fruits of kindness and being at

his best.

>

> You asked how shall I deal with this difficult attitude. Break

down the barriers within his heart and mind by cultivating it with

love and the knowledge of the truth.

>

> We all drown when we don't understand or know what we are talking

about; seeming lost as to which way to go.

>

> The good news is that the two of you can pursue restoration with

confidence.

>

> I will write you on Thursday. I need to confer with others and put

together a well organized yet simplified list of proactive steps to

aide in your recovery.

>

> Continue to be of good courage and focus on the man you love.

> Thank you for reaching out. There are those in the group who

delight to be of excellent support.

>

> As I reflect daily on- from the despair from which I came. It

really could have been so much easier. And to this purpose I will put

my best efforts for the two of you.

>

> Justus Gent

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> ________________________________

> From: whenharry_metsally <whenharry_metsally@...>

>

> Sent: Wednesday, December 10, 2008 3:25:33 AM

> Subject: Unconsummated marriage

>

>

> My marriage of one year is unconsummated. My husband got tested for

> testosterone and it is very low (200). He never gets worked up during

> sex, never leading to thrusts vigorous enough to penetrate. Is there

> any hope? Of having sex and of having kids? What should be the next

> steps to address the situation? He is in early 30s.

>

> Also, my husband is in acute denial that he has a problem (he tried to

> convince me for a year that he had no dysfunction, that some people

> just take more time than others to consummate, that the marriage is

> " partially consummated " with " partial penetration " ). I have never seen

> him ejaculate or orgasm, though he can have an erection. How do I deal

> with this difficult attitude? It took me one year of persuading for

> him to go to a doctor.

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi " Sally " ,

I'm sorry to learn about what you have been going through. Certainly

your husband needs medical help, additionally both of you need

counseling to deal with all of these issues and YOUR feelings and

needs as well.

I'll be blunt here. At your age you have every right to expect a full

and satisfying sex life, certainly at least a couple of times a week.

You have been more than patient. Additionally you mentioned wanting

children. If it took a year to just get him to go once to the doctor,

in the future there will be follow up doctor visits, compliance with

medications and counseling, the future does not sound really good.

Especially with a biological clock ticking.

All of the men here, myself included, freely admit our problems with

low hormones and are eagerly seeking out help. If you have to drag him

kicking and screaming to the doctor.....doesn't sound good.

I would tell him that you asked nicely for a year, now it's time for

him to go with you to couples counseling and you will be going with

him to an anti-aging or D.O. doctor for a solution....or else.

Neil

>

> My marriage of one year is unconsummated. My husband got tested for

> testosterone and it is very low (200). He never gets worked up during

> sex, never leading to thrusts vigorous enough to penetrate. Is there

> any hope? Of having sex and of having kids? What should be the next

> steps to address the situation? He is in early 30s.

>

> Also, my husband is in acute denial that he has a problem (he tried to

> convince me for a year that he had no dysfunction, that some people

> just take more time than others to consummate, that the marriage is

> " partially consummated " with " partial penetration " ). I have never seen

> him ejaculate or orgasm, though he can have an erection. How do I deal

> with this difficult attitude? It took me one year of persuading for

> him to go to a doctor.

>

[Guest guest]

Hi,

you can go about this a number of ways.

you can have a " stand in " consumate the marriage and fulfill you needs

on a regular basis.... he/you may not like that arrangement but it

works for some.

if he takes an assortment of meds and vitamins get a bottle of

proviron (or a generic) and drop a tab in his vitamin box every day...

you'll have to get that from an international pharmacy.

or just tell him he's -got- to get his testosterone levels up!

I (and a LOT of people here) do a 1/2cc shot of test once a week and a

TINY dose of arimidex (for me 1/4mg eod) to control estrogen.

get a few cialis too ;-}

it'll take about 3 days for a normal 1/2cc dose of cypionate

(typically 200mg/cc) or enthenate (250mg/cc) to reach peak levels...

which is why I do my shot thursday morning... by saturday he'll be

HORNY and the little tab of cialis is just insurance (and to make sure

you two can consumate 5-6+ times an afternoon :-})

>

> My marriage of one year is unconsummated. My husband got tested for

> testosterone and it is very low (200). He never gets worked up during

> sex, never leading to thrusts vigorous enough to penetrate. Is there

> any hope? Of having sex and of having kids? What should be the next

> steps to address the situation? He is in early 30s.

>

> Also, my husband is in acute denial that he has a problem (he tried to

> convince me for a year that he had no dysfunction, that some people

> just take more time than others to consummate, that the marriage is

> " partially consummated " with " partial penetration " ). I have never seen

> him ejaculate or orgasm, though he can have an erection. How do I deal

> with this difficult attitude? It took me one year of persuading for

> him to go to a doctor.

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Sally,

Yes, low T can cause low sperm count, but it doesn't always.

A semen analysis would help indicate relative sterility due to

immobile, abnormally shaped, or insufficient sperm. Bear in mind that

even with a low sperm count (less than 20 million), you could still

conceive. If his low T is due to insufficient pituitary activity (low

LH & FSH), the " fertility drug " HCG can help bring up his T levels &

increase sperm count somewhat. It might be covered by your insurance

if your doctor requests it for treatment of hypogonadism, not infertility.

It's quite saddening to hear that both your husband's low testosterone

& his attitudinal issues are robbing joy from both of you. Since he

finally started seeing the doctor, is there any chance he'd check out

this group? We men can be very stubborn, especially when a woman

tries to help us. Maybe he could check out some posts, asks some

questions, or find out some info for himself. If a) he doesn't feel

comfortable with the idea of treatment & he lacks personal

motivation, he won't stay on it long, if at all.

My thoughts are with both of you.

~Xian

>

> How do I know if he is sterile? Does low testosterone imply sterility?

> The doctor did not want to start TRT as he said that would make him

> unable to have children in the future. Is there a test for sterility -

> would it be semen analysis?

>

> My husband is not a good husband anyway, he is addicted to pornography

> and is emotionally distant and seems scared of intimacy and is

> controlling and lacks empathy. His denial of dysfunction for a year

> has led me to the limit of my patience and endurance. I wanted to see

> if there is any hope with medicines. Otherwise I do not have a great

> emotional relationship to stay for in the marriage. I have tried to

> make him seek help, and he has tried to steamroll me into believing

> everything was OK and I was just imagining problems. So I feel pretty

> angry and resentful now.