Dating and psoriasis-new to me

[Guest guest]

I haven't posted here or even lurked in a long while, but I miss the support. I

have an off subject kinda of question but not so off. I was married for many

years so I never had to care about it as my ex was familiar with everything but

now that he divorced me and I'm finally dating again I'm very scared of my new

" boyfriend " finding out about the condition. The PA is under control and it does

not impair my life in anything now but my skin is bad. I've been hanging out

with this man for almost two months and avoiding intimacy well, because of the

P. I know it's silly but this man is very into looks and things like this that

I'm afraid if he " sees me " he will drop me somehow. Other than being so into

looks he is a wonderful person but there are some people that are just so picky

with appearance that you just feel it could be a dealbeaker so what I've been

trying is to see if he will be so in love by the time he finds out that it won't

matter and in the

meanwhile I'm using every possible resource to try improving my skin like

tanning, moisturizing etc. I know it sounds all so shallow as it would have if

somebody posted the same when I was married but the single mom with P life is

not easy and I really like this guy. Any advices?

[Guest guest]

I am single, mother of three. What I think is, if the man you are dating can't

handle some " imperfections " then, he isn't worth your time. I know that is blunt

but, life is to short to be with someone who expects so much. He can't be

perfect himself. Big smiles, tracy

[Guest guest]

I was married for 17yrs and for the last 5 of the marriage I have had PA and

associated conditions. My husband just could not handle the in sickness and in

health part of his wedding vows so I divorced him. I was also laid off from my

job and he could not understand why It was taking so long to find a job. He was

nothing more than a big baby. He saw a future where he would have to downsize

and have more money go to medical expenses. I wanted to downsize to a smaller

house because I was having trouble cleaning ours. Most of my paychecks were

taking care of my meds,docs,insurance. My parents have been great. I am 42 yrs

old and had to move back home. Ugh.I have vowed to never marry again.

I did not have children because of my medical situation and job stability.I

think you should concentrate on raising great kids. You have to forget about

Romance. You have some heavy baggage to bring to the relationship. Sorry but I

had to be blunt. Be a Strong Women and tell the guy you are dating everthing

that has gone on with your PA. If your PA gets worse then he will not be shocked

about your condition . Don't Start a relationship by telling a lie. Date him for

at least 5 yrs. That way you will really see how he reacts to arthritic flare

ups ect...

[Guest guest]

I know...but when is it the right time to disclose a skin condition? Should it

be disclosed or just exposed? I'm stuck with no answers since nobody I know can

relate...

[Guest guest]

Sounds like my story but i had five kids. When i was in a wheelchair

about three years ago he called me a cripple, wouldn't pay for my meds and

refused to even believe i was so sick.. Needless to say i moved out on my own,

had to apply for ssi couldn't get ssd as i was a stay at home mom for over

22 years. Its sad cause i didn't think it would happen. I went from a

wheelchair, to a walker to a can to walking on my own now, thank god for a

wonderful doctor, and well my faith as well. I just giggle sometimes when i

see him cause he never thought i would walk again, guess anything is

possible amen for that. I do have a relationship with someone who knows my

condition and is very supportive ............I agree be up front from the

start... Hugs

Jolene

[Guest guest]

, I would tell him. Don't apologize, be frank, to the point. Anyone who

loves you should understand. Since this disease " ebbs and flows " , no two days

are the same, I don' think you should go into too much detail. Just explain

things as they come. This disease should not define you. Big smiles. T

[Guest guest]

I understand what you are saying and appreciate your bluntness, but I feel like

if I give up on romance the PA wins and I'm not going to let that happen without

putting a good fight first. There has to be a way to introduce P and PA in a

relationship without breaking it, people with worst conditions get

relationships, why do we have to give it up?

[Guest guest]

,

Aside from the PsA and Fibro....I work everyday as an outpatient

therapist....I also have 2 daughters 13 and 3 years old and have been

married for 12 years to a guy 23 years older than I am. My advice to

you is to look at things from a different perspective....if the tables

were turned and he had a chronic medical condition....would you want to

know about it?? I know I would so that I could be supportive,

understand what may be involved etc......if this guy is truly honorable

and a great person....then this won't be a huge thing...if it is...then

you will know much sooner not to waste anymore time on a jerk. When I

was a single Mom to my older daughter...her bio father told me that no

one would ever want me with a kid in tow......not only did I fall in

love meeting a great guy but, my husband adopted her and we had another

child.....not all spouses bail when health issues exist......not all of

them cheat or are awful people......if this guy is good enough to have

met your children.....then you probably need to let him know what is

going on....I am not big on keeping things hidden....I would rather the

cards be on the table up front than being a surprise down the road.

Dawn B.

[Guest guest]

Thanks T. The issue is he doesn't love me yet (I think) because it's been only 2

months. Should I wait until he says he does to break the news or just go ahead

and let him see my skin? Guys in their early 30's don't usually wait 2 months to

get intimate and this one is being very patient with me, I'm lucky, I broke off

many relationships in the past because guys wanted too much too soon and I was

afraid they see my skin and run. My P is very bad on the other hand my PA is in

total remission I play tennis and go to the gym on a daily basis, so it's really

all about the skin.

[Guest guest]

Thanks Dawn, that made me hopeful. The thing is this new guy that I've been

dating for two months it's a sweetheart but look at the facts: he is younger

than me, handsome, never been married and me, well, two little ones under 5, an

unsupportive ex that barely spends time with the children, and my skin covered

80%. I just don't see it happening it would be like a fairy tale if it does, so

I'm just hoping he falls for me before he sees it...

[Guest guest]

You do deserve it, so don't give up ! We are all worth love ! T

[Guest guest]

i don't agree that you have to give up romance. that is just very negative. You

will find someone to share your lifr with probably when you least expect it .

there is someone for ebveryone . Your attitude and kindness will show wo you

really are and trust me people will be attracted to you . We do not live in a

perfect world and everyone has some kind of problems . keep up your good

attitude . don't let anyone deter you from having the life you want . keep

looking . keep on trying You will find somone . You are lovable and you are

worthy .

cathy from ma.

[Guest guest]

Im blessed with a new man in my life finally about two marriages and the

last one who called me a cripple, and yes he is younger than me never married

no kids, and he helps me more than anyone ever. I didn't think it was

possible and yes i told him the first time we met about my psoriatic

arthritis...........

Jolene

[Guest guest]

You all make me feel very blessed to be married to a man who understands the

ups and downs of P & PA and has been incredibly supportive through the years

He understands when I say I can't do that today and please go with out me

or when I say the floors so need vacuuming and I can't do it today and he

does it. That special special person is out there for you but I think you

need to be honest and tell him about the P & PA and you can certainly

explain a little and share more as you go. If he's that special person, he

will understand.

[Guest guest]

My heart aches for you cause that is a very big decision. And how wonderful of

him to not rush you into intimacy, think it is great you two have waited.

Friendship and respect is so important to have before the other stuff ! So, I

would continue to take it slow and let the P take a back seat, enjoy each other,

make sure he is good with your children. Then just tell him that you have P and

PsA but I wouldn't go on and on about it. Facts and answer his questions. There

is so much more to you than the diseases. He sounds like a good guy ! I am

divorced, three boys, but older than you, 53. So, I am not out there in the

dating world, not cause of my P or PsA, but cause I am not ready yet. Best !

[Guest guest]

cathy, you are very lucky to have a husband who understands and helps. it is

hard when your own family thinks this disease is in my head. i had a boyfriend

and he didn't want to put up with me anymore when i would say i am sorry but i

just can't. i got very tired of his whinning and only thinking of himself so i

ended it for my health. sue

[Guest guest]

Hi there,

My approach is to show right away, explain and be ready to give research sources

- and don't waste my time on those who can't deal. We deserve partners who

aren't insensitive louts about out problems (like your ex).

[Guest guest]

Thanks , but I passed the right away phase, I've been with him for 2

months hoping first comes love than whatever else. So the question is to let him

see when the occasion calls or have a talk before it happens?M.

Â

[Guest guest]

I truly do feel for you , I believe before you fall for this man any

deeper it would be in your best interest to be open with him about your

situation! As much as you are afraid of what will happen it will hurt worse if

you prolong it and it doesn't work out! You never know he sounds like he is

great so he may be very compassionate to illness! My first husband could not

except it at all he was awful, and now that our 12 year daughter is very ill ,

he is acting terrible and she is so upset! Now I have an amazing husband who

takes care of everything and stands by us through it all! There are those that

are compassionate and those that aren't no need to waste your precious time on

those that aren't! HS

[Guest guest]

Thanks...but I think it may be late, I am in love with him and I hope he is too,

but he never said the words. But you are right, before I fall any deeper I will

let him see my skin, if he asks, I'll explain, if he doesnt, well...People are

different, I'm the type that don't notice details, or if I do I dont really care

about imperfections unless they are very unique. May be he won't mind my skin

has " stains " ?(I'm tanning every other day plus enbrel, plus lots of moisturizing

oil) so no flakes, just different color skin on the patches. But if he does, and

make a big deal, I better off being dumped by him now than later. I can't live

like this anymore, just playing the guessing game...

[Guest guest]

I just had to speak up on this one..... whether he loves you now or will come

to as time goes on I think that the most important thing in a relationship is

honesty so telling him seems only right. BUT I think what you need to do is to

educate him so that he understands everything about it and you. You do not have

to overwhelm him with all the details, but give him the general idea. Let him

know that the treatments of today (ONCE YOU FIND THE RIGHT ONE FOR YOU) can just

about eliminate it.

Communication between 2 people is so important. He may pick up on your feelings

of pulling away physically as something else or something with him. We are all

such fragile creatures emotionally, but when given the chance we can thrive with

the right support. He may be the right one and then again maybe not - but as

the others said There IS someone out there who will treat you right and be

caring no matter what. Be positive & know you deserve the best in love.

Pam

\

[Guest guest]

If he makes a bid deal about it then it is his loss. T

[Guest guest]

My ex husband just wanted my PsA/Fibro/Pheriphal Neuropathy cured so he would

not have to deal with it. When I was laid off from my job he just thought that

you could go out and get another job quickly. I am unable to stand on my feet

longer than 30 mins. I also can only type for 30 mins. He had never been laid

off from a job so he did not understand or have any empathy. After 17 yrs,I

divorced him and had to move back home with my parents at 40yrs old. We did not

have any children. Since the divorce I have also been diagnosed with Osteo

arthritis and pinched nerve at L5/S1. I went from having a house and beautiful

garden to living in my parent's guest room. I have applied for SSDI and

hopefully I will get it.

My Doctor added Plaquenil to my cocktail of drugs (Humira,Lyrica,Injectable

Methotrexate, Percocet...)so hopefully I will feel well enough to go to the gym

and lift very light weights for my upper body,swim and possibly walk for 10

mins.

Dating will come in time. I know that is tough out there. I am hoping that being

more active and by dieting I can lose 20 lb. Plus, it is better for my joints.

There is a cute single guy at my church,that I wish would ask me out. We have

more things in common than me and my ex had.

I would like to prove that just because I have a chronic illness that I am not

some kind of a leper. I have a light case of Psoriasis mostly on my

back,elbows,ears and scalp.

-Beth

[Guest guest]

<<There is a cute single guy at my church,that I wish would ask me out.>>

What?  It's 2010 -- you can ask HIM out!

RA

[Guest guest]

Exactly !

-----Original Message-----

<<There is a cute single guy at my church,that I wish would ask me out.>>

What?  It's 2010 -- you can ask HIM out!

RA