Divorce

[Guest guest]

i decided tonight to stop playing games and file for divorce.i am scared and hurting. i will tell all in the morning..HELP....

Dear Jana,

You are not alone, we are all with you hon. Just hang in there and tell us whats going on when you are up to it. Scream if you need. *gentle hugs*

Love Aisha.

[Guest guest]

Jana,

Honey, I'm here and online right now if you are here and want to

talk...e-mail me or I'm in the IRC chat room too....

Hang in there babe. We love you.

love,

janalise wrote:

> i decided tonight to stop playing games and file for divorce.

>

> i am scared and hurting.

>

> i will tell all in the morning..

>

> HELP....

> janalise

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[Guest guest]

Thought you might get a laugh out of this. My favourite local radio station has

the BEST morning " crew " ever. One of them is a highly regarded stand up

comedienne here in Australia called Harmer (the station is 2DayFM 104.1 in

Sydney Australia). She's great at coming out with hilarious one-liners, and the

other day I heard this one...

" Men never leave women! They just act like bastards until women leave them! "

With regards

tonjen@...

divorce

Hey again. Sorry I havn't done my part to keep things hopping here

lately, but things have been a little hectic here. Dean and I are

trying to work out many problems, an not having much luck at it. A

[Guest guest]

Thought you might get a laugh out of this. My favourite local radio station has

the BEST morning " crew " ever. One of them is a highly regarded stand up

comedienne here in Australia called Harmer (the station is 2DayFM 104.1 in

Sydney Australia). She's great at coming out with hilarious one-liners, and the

other day I heard this one...

" Men never leave women! They just act like bastards until women leave them! "

With regards

tonjen@...

divorce

Hey again. Sorry I havn't done my part to keep things hopping here

lately, but things have been a little hectic here. Dean and I are

trying to work out many problems, an not having much luck at it. A

[Guest guest]

Has anyone here divorced with the real issue being your disability? Looks like

that may be where we are headed. Have known it was an issue for my husband for

years, been in the back of my head for a long time that it was too much for him.

We have been married for 20 years, we seperated once and were almost divorced, I

filed and called it off a week before it was final. Similar issues I guess but

it was disquised in " another woman " and other issues-I had to change for him and

he didn't! Love him, basicly a good guy, not perfect. Guess why I'm asking is

that seldom do people want to admit that a divorce is because one is disabled so

you don't hear much about it.

-Eileen

[Guest guest]

Hi Eileen,

I have psoriatic arthritis, osteoarthritis and fibromyalgia. I am 41 and work

for Frito-Lay as a route driver for the last 4 years. The last 6 months I have

gotten worse as far as joint pain, muscle pain and fatigue. I have a wife that

is selfish, critical, unforgiving and basically has no compassion for my

illnesses. I keep telling her I need to find another job that is less physical

and demanding just to have some kind of normal life. I know we need money but

the problem is she " wants " the house painted, nicer landscaping, a family room

added on and so forth. Nothing that we " need " that will stopping us from

breathing if you know what I mean.

The problem is she is permanently disabled and that is another story in itself

for another day. But the point I try to make to her is when she went on

disability she needed to lower her expectations and wants. And now that I am

sick also the game has changed so to speak. Now I just got back to work after

being out for 6 weeks under the FMLA because my pain was unbearable. The Rheumy

said I needed to rest my joints and get this under control.

So while I was out I contacted HR to explain my condition and to see if other

positions were available. They sent me an accommodations packet to get filled

out. But after being back to work for 3 days they sent me home and said I cannot

come back until I get a report from the Rheumy!!! He wrote a note saying I could

return to work but that was not good enough. They are questioning how I am fine

all of a sudden to do the job. I said I can perform the job but they did not

listen. The feeling I am getting is that they are retaliating against me. I am

going to wait until I get the report filled out on Monday and see if they

reinstate me. If they drag their feet then I have no choice but to file a

disability discrimination complaint.

But in all reality accommodation or not I really can't do the job. It is more

the necessity of money right now. I have another job I am trying to get that

would still be delivering but it would a lot less physical, slow paced and less

demanding but of course less money. But I would at least have my health to where

I can function because right now the Frito job makes me so stiff and sore it is

hard on me.

And that is a main reason we are butting heads. I know I need to find another

job less money or not. As long as I can make enough to pay the bills and maybe

have a few dollars left over then that is all I need. I am not materialistic and

those things will not make me any happier or sadder. lately I am trusting more

in Jesus to guide me in what way I should go. I know he knows I cannot due my

current job so I am sure he has a plan for me.

I have told her that she needs to get it through her head that I have real

illness. And what I am going through with work, pain etc. is very common for

people with these illnesses. So my plan is to do what is best for me and let the

chips fall where they may. My marriage has always been rocky and me being sick

too has made it worse. If changing jobs or even going on permanent disability

myself is the answer then will have to do it divorce or not. The rheumy said

perm. disability may be the way you have to go since I have so many joints

involved at such a young age.

Sorry to ramble but I wanted to paint the whole picture. I am sure you and me

are not the only ones that face this issue. Feel free to respond back and thanks

for listening.

Rich

[Guest guest]

Eileen,

I, too divorced after 21 years of marriage. I can say without a doubt that it

was a combination of my PA and the depression that came with it. The last two

years I could see it coming, but was helpless to stop it. Anti-depressants,

marriage counseling didn't quite do it. When my wife finally asked for the

divorce, I didn't argue or try to fight to save it. I knew it was best for her

and the kids that I be left alone until I came to grips with my disease. It took

a good five years to get my head straight. She's remarried and I now have a good

relationship with her and the kids.

Jim

[Guest guest]

Eileen,

Hi, yep I am someone who has separated from my Husband as he couldn't stand my

" Laziness " anymore. He left just before I was diagnosed with PsA. He even made

threats that I would get my kids taken off me because of the state of the house.

With two small and active children the house is always in a mess with toys and

craft but never dirty etc.. but he just couldn't understand why I couldn't keep

up with the housework and why I needed to to rest ect...I havn't even bother to

tell him my diagnosis but I made sure to tell our mutual friends and his mother

especially when Rheum. put me on Methotrexate!! Obviously there were other

issues but according to him I was the problem. So the way I see it now, is that

if he wasn't going to support me now, in our 5th year of marriage, he was never

going to in our 20th year either. Whatever happened to " In sickness and in

Health?? "

[Guest guest]

Dear Rich,

It¹s so amazing how many people forget those words, ³in sickness and in

health². I often joke with my husband that he didn¹t realize what he was

getting himself into when he spoke those works almost 34 years ago. From

almost the beginning of our marriage I had health problems on and off.

Luckily, I was able to raise 2 wonderful girls before my health got as bad

as it is now. I was also able to work in our business for years, and we

even had a bed set up in the back room for the girls if they got sick at

school or if I needed to rest during the day. There are ways to adjust in a

marriage to health problems. In our early years I mainly suffered from

allergies and asthma. We took many trips to the ER to keep me breathing,

but as I got older my asthma let up some, but my joints and muscles starting

aching horribly. In between those two things I had 2 surgeries and ended up

with a complete hysterectomy at the age of 32. It did solve my female

problems, but I think it weakened my resistance to arthritis and then I was

diagnosed with fibro before it was even recognized as a disease.

Even though many family members never believed me, my husband always did. I

think that helped keep me sane or I might have either gone crazy or just

given up. Now I¹m dealing with chronic PA that has gone on for the last 10

years. I can¹t seem to find a medication that slows it downs or even

managed the pain at all. I¹m currently on Arava, after trying two biologics

that nearly killed me with side effects. My lungs and my heart have both

been damaged by being on Humira for only a week. I now have COPD, and need

surgeries to replace both my knees, both jaw joints need to be replaced,

have broken my pelvis two times, and I think every joint is affected by PA

now. So far my doctor doesn't think I¹ll ever recover from major surgery.

He isn¹t afraid of me dying in surgery, but the recovery time might take so

long that I could end up in bed for the rest of my life. So I¹ve pretty

much put that idea out of my mind. I¹m in a power wheel chair now, have to

sleep in a recliner to keep my lungs up enough to breath, use oxygen every

night, and am fighting infection every turn due to developing diabetes from

being on prednisone from the arthritis and the asthma. So my husband has

gone from having a wife who helped him all she could, to doing almost

everything by himself now. He does all the grocery shopping, laundry,

works the office with out me, and puts up with my bouts of crying and

depression that hit when the pain is overwhelming. Add to the fact that my

daughter has severe Fibromyalgia, and recently had a stroke at only 26, and

you can say we have been under quite a bit of stress in the past few years.

That¹s not even all of it, but it¹s too much to write down. I¹ve been told

I should write a book, but first of all who would want to read all of that

mess, let alone even believe that so much could happen to one family? Plus

I do try to focus on the positive, where ever I can find it...lol.

Has your wife ever looked into reading the PA site or has she ever seen just

how bad this disease can get? Would she go to your doctor with you and let

him tell her just how severe your pain is and how life changing this disease

can be? I know when I finally ended up in pain management and I thought my

husband wasn¹t really ³getting it² I had him go with me to some of the

appointments. He watched me go through epidural injections, pain shots,

spinal blocks and all sorts of things to control the pain. He saw my X-rays

and he realized just how bad it was. Then to top it all off he started

developing health problems. He has diabetes, but for years it had only been

a pain in his neck and not really life changing. Suddenly he ended up in

the hospital with blood clots, and six month later needed heart stents to

keep him alive. We are lucky he didn¹t just drop over from exertion cutting

the grass one day. Again all of his problems happened in the past 4 years,

so I¹ve been seeing the side of him being ill as well as myself. I know

when he comes home from work he is just exhausted. Right now we are at the

point of just surviving each day together. He still is working in our

business, but since the economy has been so bad, it¹s affected us big-time.

So now we are even facing an uncertain future.

The things I¹ve been trying to express, and have taken a long way to get

this across is it has been possible to deal with all of this because we have

each other. Otherwise, we never would have made it this long. Both our

girls are out of the house, but our youngest who has been sick with the

stoke might have to move back home due to not being able to work and from

money problems. I¹ve given up saying ³things can¹t get any worse²...lol. I

try to remind myself that we were very close to losing her. So we are

lucky in a low of ways. My oldest daughter is healthy and doing great, but

the poor things has the problems of dealing with all of us when she does

come home. It can¹t be easy on her either.

But we still have our sense of humor and we have each other. That means

everything to all of us. I feel sorry for your wife if all she thinks of is

material things. After all, you can¹t take those things with you,

regardless how hard you try in the end. It¹s hard to give up on your

dreams. My husband I had plans to travel after the girls were grown and

with the business doing well things looked pretty good, even with my health

problems. Now things have turned again, but I have do doubt we will still

survive everything once again. I try and remember to remind myself of at

least 10 things I¹m grateful for every night before I go to sleep. I

usually always go past 10 things. So as hard as it is, life can still be

wonderful, even without a family room. It¹s just one more room to clean

anyway...lol. Tell your wife that she is lucky now to have a home with so

many people losing them every day across the country.

I hope you and your wife make it work together because it¹s easier facing a

major illness with someone than without someone, as long as they are on your

side and sup portative. She has to be willing to adapt, or she¹ll find

herself alone. Good luck and I hope things work out for you. I'm in the

process of finally filing for disability though I¹ve been told to do it for

years. It¹s something no one wants to do, but I¹ve finally faced the fact

that there isn¹t going to be a miracle cure to in time to fix all my damaged

bones and stop all my health problems. All you can do if focus on one thing

a day and try and get through it. Good luck and let me know how things work

out.

I¹ll be thinking of you,

Fran in it¹s getting hot here finally in Florida!

[Guest guest]

I agree with . I am fortunate to have a committed husband who is with me

" for better or worse, sickness and health " We have been through so much together

as three of our children have had or have serious health problems. I find that

chronic or serious illness either brings people closer or drives them apart. It

hasn't been easy, but I also have found that I can only be responsible for my

actions, words and attitude. I also count on God to be my strength and comfort

as my husband, though he loves me, is only human and cannot solve all my

problems and is sometimes less than loving. I pray that we can all forgive our

loved ones for their lack of understanding and take our concerns to the Lord who

loves us and wants our relationships to be healed. God bless, Patty