Just Be There

[Guest guest]

Just Be There

By Sophia Dare

Just Be There

Loss is a part of life. If we are not experiencing it at the moment,

most likely we are close to someone who is. Seeing our loved ones hurt

can make us feel powerless and ineffective, and it is the number one

question that I hear when I speak and meet others.

" What can I do to comfort my friend, or mother, or sister, or brother,

in their grief " ?

Grief used to only be associated with a death, but now it is known

that grief is a very real emotion in any type of a loss. This can be a

painful divorce and the loss of the dream for that family unit, the

continual grief of caring for a loved one with disabilities or

illness, even the loss of a career, or a sudden move. They all have

one thing in common and that is the emotion of grief.

So I have put together a small booklet of 6 tips that were truly a

blessing to us after losing our 8 year old son, , to heart

disease. Although our experience refers mostly to the loss of our

child, I hope that these points are beneficial to all of us as we

console and comfort others that are grieving.

1. Drop all expectations

Everyone handles loss differently. Do not have any preconceived

notions about how they should grieve or feel or react. Our background

experiences, our fears, our personalities, all contribute to who we

are and how we handle adversities and the severity that we perceive

it. There is no " right way " to do it.

Dropping our expectations means applying unconditional acceptance and

love.

I Corinthians 13:7

My husband and I both responded in totally different ways to our

grief. We know now that neither of us was right or wrong. We both

responded in the manner that we could cope with at the time. He was

trying to hold together his responsibilities as our provider and move

on, and we know now that when we bottle up that much emotion inside,

it does eventually have to come out at some time. It may be 2 years,

or 5 years, or even 10 years. It is different for everyone. We cannot

determine how fast someone moves through the process. They, alone, are

the ones who must seek help, read books, talk it out, or find

activities that are therapeutic to them to heal.

Love them right where they are. As emotional creatures, that can be a

difficult thing for us to do. Especially if it is your spouse that is

grieving and they are unable to meet your expectations and needs at

the time. But it is one of the benefits available to us when we seek

God and His unconditional love for us. He loves us in all of our

circumstances and is no respecter of persons. I found that it has

applied to every relationship in my life that I desire to keep.

Speaking of keeping relationships…

2. Determine to Be There

Someone once said that 95% of success in life is just " showing up " .

I was amazed at the number of people who responded to us in our loss.

It was an abundant overflow. But I was also amazed at those friends

that disappeared the moment our son died. They just no longer reached

out, and we were unable to fuel relationships in our grief. So we all

just lost touch with one another. I had already read something about

this " phenomenon " so I tried to understand it.

As a close friend or acquaintance, we grieve for and with our friend

on our own level. So many people were affected by 's death. He

touched so many lives with his warmth and his love. For some, to speak

of it, was just too much. All they could do to ease their own pain or

uneasiness was end our relationship altogether.

It has been over 5 years now. I have crossed paths occasionally with

someone we knew, and they will literally break out in tears upon

seeing me, and then apologize profusely for never calling or writing

or reaching out. They just did not know what to say.

So, if the grieving person is someone you truly care about, if you

will hold them in your heart and carry the guilt of not reaching out

to them in their need, then by all means, you should reach out. Pick

up the phone and make that call.

It is ironic that some people flee from the awkwardness of not knowing

what to say, and yet, some of my most comforting friends really did

not have to say anything at all. They were just there. Tell them that

you do not know what to say or what to do, but that you love them and

want to be there for them anyway you can. Just be by their side.

Appreciate their silence when they need it. Have a good ear or a

shoulder to cry on when they need that too. Just having a friend to

hang out with and walk through the everyday routine of life is a

tremendous comfort, even if no words are spoken. They know you showed

up and that speaks volumes.

If speaking is a challenge, then send a card or a personal note. I

kept all of our correspondence that we received and still have it

today. It made such a huge difference in our life and soothed our pain

like a warm balm. I have pulled them out on occasion through the years

just to re-read. I am so comforted once again by the outpouring of

love from 's community.

3. Determine to Remain There

There will be a time when everyone else leaves the house, and the

holidays are coming around the corner again. Most people will think

your friend has finally " gotten over it " because they get back to the

routine of life, but that is far from true. We all know that many

people can exist for years, being completely broken inside. That is

when you will be able to make the most impact as a friend. The

holidays will be especially important to openly welcome them into your

home.

Be cognizant of their emotions and stability, as, over time, grief can

sometimes lead to serious depression and substance abuse. Be aware of

the symptoms, and if noticed, encourage them to seek professional help

or support groups. We know from personal experience that suppressed

emotions can lead to physical and spiritual setbacks that the world

may not notice. Be close enough in their life to notice.

So when you do reach out, what do you do?

4.Find a Need and Fill it

Other than sending a note or making a nice comment in passing, what

else can you DO for them? The list is endless. Here are some ideas to

get you started.

In the beginning stages, they are most likely just floating through

their daily routine, consumed with their pain, and less aware of the

goings-on around them. Anything you can step in and do for them is a

blessing. But because everyone's lives are so busy and unique, you

will have to ask and be specific. Could you come by on this date and

help clean their house? You could also offer to help with some

laundry, take the dry-cleaning, buy some items at the grocery store,

or take their children to the park – just ask. It may be that their

biggest need is companionship. You could develop a routine of inviting

them to go with you on an activity that you both love, like golfing or

shopping or coffee once a week at the café. It really does not matter

as long as you do something.

I heard a million times, " Let me know if you need anything. " Some

friends truly meant it, and others I knew did not. But I was never

going to call up even my closest friends and say, " Can you please

leave your family and come over here and help me clean my house, then

take my kids out so I can do nothing but sleep today. " Especially

after some time had passed and most people did not even know I was

still grieving. Just find a need and fill it.

Philippians 2:4

5.Pray For Them

In the Bible, God's promises and His strength have given me purpose to

see beyond all of this earthly loss to find meaning and eternal

significance. If your friend or loved one does not have the Lord in

their life, pray for them, as much as possible. Pray that this

experience will bring them to a place where they seek Him into their

heart, finding the hope and peace that it brings.

If they already know God, pray for them, and pray with them. Your

prayers will lift them and carry them until they are able to speak to

God again themselves. Regardless of their situation, I say pray.

Romans 12:10-13

*They may not be facing a loss of a person, but a serious and

justifiable offense. When the damage and the bitterness become

unbearably consuming there is no other answer but to let your love of

God and your desire for His will and plan be greater than any offense.

Your prayers and the love of God shining through you will be

instrumental in guiding them back to Him.

6. Share Joy

One of my favorite writers on grief is Barbara . She has been

through more grief and loss than any mother that I know, and yet her

books like, " Stick a geranium in your hat and be happy " are filled

with humor and thankfulness and joy. It was hard for me to comprehend

finding joy in my life again after losing . I really felt guilty

laughing or enjoying life without him in it. But reading her books

reminded me of the joy that is already our free gift from God. It is

deeper than just an emotion and comes from the security that we have

in Him and His love for us.

I remembered a speaker sharing that the true path to joy was just in

forgetting ourselves and serving others. One of the strongest survival

instincts we have in grieving is to focus on ourselves – our pain, our

loss, our changed life, etc. It seemed necessary for a season to

simplify and to heal. But I found it comforting to focus on a higher

purpose for my life and for my son's life. It was healing to others to

hear our story and message, and it was therapeutic for me to be

involved in activities that were making a difference in others' lives.

The only way back to finding joy in my life was to devote myself to my

purpose, my family and my calling… To serve, and to shine.

So as you reach out to your friend or loved one, help them to find

their unique purposes and talents that they can share. Add humor and

love and a positive perspective to their life.

Philippians 4:8 AMP

You will be a tremendous blessing in their life and in their loss. But

you may find that in serving them, you find healing and abundant joy

returning back to you as well.

God Bless you for being there.

Author's Bio

Author, speaker and artist, Sophia Dare, founded Dare2Shine Inc. to

encourage women to find hope, joy and peace through their

circumstances. After raising a child with special needs, losing him,

and finding gratitude with her husband and two small boys, she offers

inspirational articles, resources and a SHINE gallery or florals and

butterflies to help the hurting. Visit www.dare2shine.com

and her blog www.sophiadare.blogspot.com, entitled " A mom's grateful

journal " .

http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/Just_Be_There.html

Send them LOVE continually.

By sharing your stories, and process, you are using your experience in

a healing way.